cleaning and parental trauma
“my dad used to come home late at night and if the house wasn’t spotless he would wake us up screaming and make us clean in the middle of the night. I was always so tired the next day at school.”
“My mother would lock me in my room and tell me to clean it. I was so overwhelmed by the mess I would just sit there paralyzed and she would come in and scream at me for being lazy.”
“If I didn’t clean my room to their standards, they would come in and dump everything on the floor and tell me to start over.”
These are just a few of the examples of chore trauma I’ve heard from clients. It is not uncommon for abusive caregivers to use
chores as a manner of punishment and humiliation, as a way to withhold love and inflict pain. This has a profound impact on the little self, and the messaging carries into adulthood. This usually has one of two effects: (1) you avoid care tasks because you see them as
punishment and now that you are an adult you can finally get free of them, or (2) you are constantly and even obsessively cleaning
because you have internalized the message that you are dirty or
failing if anything is out of place. Next time you hear the inner bully, pay close attention to the messages it gives. Is it really your voice, or is it the voice of a past caregiver? Therapy can be a huge help in
unpacking this type of trauma and can help you redefine care tasks as care instead of punishment.
If you experienced neglect and abuse as a child and that abuse happened in a very dirty or cluttered environment, you may feel it is your utmost duty as a parent to never let your kids feel the way you did as a child. It’s important to remember that your children do not
have the same emotional context around mess or dirt as you. Mess to you was chaos and danger. It was a lack of safety, and being unloved and uncared for. No parent wants their children to feel this way, which is why you may go overboard ensuring there is never any mess or clutter—maybe even to the point of exhaustion or emotional distress. Let me offer you some comfort. Your children will never experience mess the way you did if
are safe and loving. Toys on the floor will mean nothing to them but a parent who cared enough to buy them. Dishes in the sink will represent to them a parent who always fed them. Stains on their clothes will remind them of how cool it is to have a parent who lets them use art supplies or play in
the mud.
Tear this out and hang it in your home: “This is a safe home and I am safe in it.”
