contributing is morally neutral

when you experience legitimate barriers to completing care tasks while living in a partnership with someone else, you may experience guilt. Even those who have understanding partners experience this from time to time. Let’s explore what is morally neutral about

contributing to a family.

I believe the moral gut check here isn’t “Am I contributing enough?” but “Am I taking advantage of someone else?”

You are not required to contribute to be worthy of love and care and belonging. We know this is true because you could be connected to a ventilator unable to contribute anything (and in fact be using lots of resources) and still be a worthy human being. We all have seasons of life when we are capable of contributing more or less than the people around us.

This is a hard concept to tease out because there are some very obviously wrong ways to act when it comes to division of household labor. A partner who comes home after work and expects to relax all evening while their partner, who also worked all day (whether inside or outside the home), does all of the household labor is clearly in the wrong and should feel guilty. But the moral issue is not that that

partner is not contributing enough—it’s that they feel more entitled to rest than their partner and are exploiting their partner’s labor to get it.

If you feel more entitled to more respect because of your gender or the size of your paycheck, that is wrong.

This is what I try to teach my children when we talk about care tasks in our home. Instead of telling them that contributing is a moral obligation, I place the value on our attitudes towards one

another. I want my kids to be responsible, yes. But just as important, I want them to know that it’s okay to not “pull their weight” when they are sick with the flu. I want my kids to grow up to care for others and treat them fairly without being crushed by the false guilt of thinking

their worth is tied to how much they can produce or contribute. I want that for all of us.

Summary: Contribution and productivity are not moral values— but nonexploitation and humility are. When someone demands the benefits of being a part of a family but refuses responsibilities to

that family of which they are capable, it’s a form of entitlement that exploits the other members of that family. However, having a limited capacity is not the same as being entitled and accepting help is not the same as exploiting others.