rest is a right, not a reward
if you have been viewing care tasks as moral, it is likely you either a) never stop moving, feel anxious and overwhelmed, and are constantly exhausted or b) lack motivation, feel paralyzed and
overwhelmed, and are constantly exhausted. They are really two sides of the same coin. And the coin is shame. When we believe our worth is dependent on completing the never-ending list of care tasks, we are unlikely to let ourselves rest until everything is done. Even when we manage to shame ourselves into action, we find that those who work in shame also rest in shame. Instead of relief, taking a
break only brings feelings of guilt. You do not have to earn the right to rest, connect, or recreate. Unlearn the idea that care tasks must be totally complete before you can sit down. Care tasks are a never- ending list, and if you wait until everything is done to rest, you will
never rest.
Keep in mind that rest is more than sleep. Sleep is a recharging activity that happens when you are unconscious. Tons of studies demonstrate the importance of sleep for your well-being. We talk
less about the equal importance of rest. Rest is a recharging activity that happens when you are conscious. Everyone finds different activities restful, but in general we’re seeking the same qualities: connecting, slowing down, and just being, rather than being
productive.
Rest is hard for a lot of people because they have conflated “doing nothing” or being unproductive with being lazy. Developing a
compassionate inner voice that can challenge these messages is
key. Recognize that being nonproductive is a necessary diversion. Rest is necessary for energy, and rest is necessary for work.
As children, many of us are taught we cannot rest or play until our chores are done. This is because our parents desire to teach us the good values of responsibility, delayed gratification, care for our
environment, and respect for our family. This arrangement works quite well because as a child your chores are finite. Usually a short list: make your bed, take out the trash, and fold your laundry, et
cetera. So we finish this list and move on without guilt. However, when we become adults, this list of care tasks is not finite. It is a
never-ending list of tasks that repeat themselves daily. How many of us have internalized the message that we cannot move on to rest or play until this list is done? And if we do, we feel guilt. How will we
raise our children (or re-parent ourselves) to learn both responsibility and rest?
“how do i know if i need a break or if i’m just being lazy?”
Sometimes I come downstairs after putting the kids to bed, look at the house mess, and think, “I really want to sit down, but doing
closing duties would be such a kindness to morning me, so I’m going to put on some music and motivate.” Other times I come down those stairs and feel the subtle pang of a body and mind asking to be cared for right now—and on those nights I do the bare minimum or even
nothing at all. Remember, laziness doesn’t exist.
For a long time, when I chose to cut corners with care tasks I would feel immense guilt at being irresponsible. Yet where did I get the message that choosing to prioritize rest over the dishes for one night is irresponsible? The problem isn’t that I chose to rest instead of clean the kitchen; it’s that I told myself I was being a bad person by doing so. How would it be different if I chose instead to say, “It would be a great kindness to myself right now to just let this go and rest tonight. It will still be there tomorrow”?
Most people fear that if they embrace this type of self-kindness, it will simply enable them to stay unfunctional forever. I think this fear is unfounded.
I don’t believe in laziness, but even if I did the good news is that self-kindness is extremely motivating. It might be that when you first start giving yourself full permission to rest without guilt you find
yourself resting a lot. Maybe that’s what your body and mind need. Research shows that people who report feeling burnout can take months or even years before they start feeling recovered from the damage of that psychological stress. Your body might need that extended time to process and rest and be. If you do this with self- kindness, you will find yourself more motivated to care for yourself than if you pushed on berating yourself for being lazy. So I just wouldn’t worry about it. I find that the balance between rest and
work seems to work itself out pretty naturally when you practice self-kindness.
So whatever you do, friends, do it with kindness.
when you can’t financially afford to rest
It’s all good and well to beat the drum of rest being vital, but the truth is that some people cannot afford to rest. They have to work constantly just to pay their bills or feed their family. While I know this is true, I have always been too privileged to experience that. So it would be silly of me to try to give advice about how to find times to rest when your hands are full with trying to survive. What I can say is that people who are forced to hustle and grind day in and day out are already some of the most creative and resourceful people I’ve ever known. They are already, on the regular, having to make decisions between two things they need when they can only afford the time or money for one. Neither I, nor any author, can give a blanket advice
that will solve that problem. All I can say is that you absolutely have the right to elevate your need and your family’s need for rest as
something as deserving of all the creativity and resourcefulness you already have. Maybe that looks like one night a week when everyone
eats off paper plates so there are no dishes, and scheduling a family movie night so there is no bedtime struggle and everyone just gets to relax and take it slow. Or maybe it looks completely different for you. There are seasons of life when we just can’t get all of our needs met, but the mental shift of seeing rest not as luxury but as a valid need helps you get creative, or at least validates it’s okay to mourn how difficult life is right now.
Shortcut: read chapter 25 for a chapter on division of labor or skip to chapter 26.
