gentle skill building: kick-starting
motivation
i bought an exercise bike.
“Okay, but will you really use it?” Michael said with a kind but knowing tone.
After I gave him what can only be described as an award-winning presentation on the benefits of exercise (boosting serotonin and
dopamine helps with mood regulation and focus) and told him that having such a convenient way to exercise at home would ensure that, for the first time in my life, I would actually stick with exercising for more than a week, he reluctantly agreed it sounded like a good idea.
I started out strong, riding multiple times a week for a month and getting up to forty-five-minute rides. This time was going to be
different!
Sound familiar? You probably know where this is going. I have used the exercise bike exactly once in the past two months. The fact that Michael has come to love it and ride it regularly is probably the only reason he hasn’t gotten mad at me for getting it.
When my kids went back to preschool in the fall I told myself I would just start by riding for five minutes after I dropped them off. That would get the ball rolling.
The first day of school came and I didn’t do the five minutes.
In the past, when I predictably fall off after the first wave of motivation the guilt sets in. “You’ve done it again, KC. Just like the
last thing. Stop kidding yourself.” Followed by a few attempts to get back on track, which also fail. I never manage to recapture that initial
motivation and in turn give up completely and feel guilty whenever I look at the thing.
The great dream of getting into the exercise groove followed by dismal compliance is probably not a new story for anyone reading right now (and if it wasn’t an exercise habit that couldn’t stick, it’s
journaling or meditating or keeping your room clean). That part of this story was unfortunately not that different. But here is what has been different.
Instead of concluding the problem was that I just needed to try
harder the next day, I said out loud, “I didn’t get on the bike yesterday for five minutes even though I do want to get on the bike. This tells me that five minutes was too big of a goal. I wonder if I could get on for three minutes?”
I got on the bike planning to ride for three minutes. Then rode two minutes after that. The next day I got on for five minutes and did five more while I was it. Then we all got the stomach bug and I didn’t ride for a week. But now I know I can do three minutes. I’ve found my on- ramp.
Maybe I’ll get back into a rhythm of doing it more often and maybe it will keep being inconsistent. One thing I know is that if I keep the shame removed I can keep the on-ramp open. The worst-case scenario here is I sometimes get three minutes of health and mood
benefits.
the problem of task initiation
One of the most common concerns I hear from those struggling with care tasks is, “I want to get things done, but I just can’t motivate
myself to do it.”
Now, problems with motivation are valid, but I want you to
consider if it’s really motivation you are lacking. Motivation means a desire or drive to do something and a recognition that you see that
thing as worth doing. If you don’t understand why doing laundry matters or you feel so awful that you just think you don’t deserve
clean clothes so what’s the point, you are struggling to find motivation. If, however, you want clean clothes, you feel your life would be better with clean clothes, and you would like to be able to do the laundry you’ve been staring at for hours but just can’t seem to make yourself do, that’s not a lack of motivation. That is a problem with task initiation.
If you have a diagnosis like ADHD, autism, PTSD, or depression (and many others), you are probably familiar with task initiation
problems, because those diagnoses famously create problems with executive functioning, of which task initiation is one. If you’ve been
living with situational factors that affect executive functioning like trauma, grief, chronic stress, or sleep deprivation, you may also be experiencing issues with task initiation.
Take a deep breath here. You are not lazy. You just need help circumventing some barriers.
Task initiation barriers usually present themselves as difficulties in transitions. So I’m sitting in a chair and I need to go do dishes, but it’s very difficult to initiate the transition from sitting comfortably in my chair to getting up to do dishes. What I need to do here is find a way to create momentum. Just like with my exercise bike, we can widen the entry point to the task by creating an on-ramp.
Ideas that help with task initiation:
creating movement momentum with music
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One way to widen the entry point is to use music. Moving from
sitting down to up and dancing is a big transition. But moving from sitting down to wiggling your toes to the beat is a small one. From
there the transition to moving your legs and arms to the song is also a small step. It’s another small step to move your whole body in a fantastic chair dance. Now you’re already moving, so you might as well stand up! When you’re up and active, it’s only a small transition to moving towards the sink. Oftentimes momentum will pick up from there.
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We know that “neurons that fire together wire together” and that your brain can associate feelings with experiences. If you dance every day to the same happy song with your baby, or your pet, or a friend on FaceTime and after a week play that song while folding
laundry or doing dishes, your brain will associate happiness with that song and will provide a little pleasure reward.
permission to start
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“I’m going to make myself do the dishes now.” “I forced myself to shower today.” Let’s try a perspective shift. Instead of bullying
yourself into finishing a task, instead try giving yourself permission to start a task. Let yourself get a little done. Say, “I am going to do one dish.” Often you’ll find that motivation kicks in after you have
already started. It’s stressful to try to summon up 100 percent of the momentum to do something while sitting on the couch. Let yourself use 5 percent energy to do 5 percent of the task. Maybe you keep going. Maybe you don’t. That’s okay. Anything worth doing is worth doing partially.
moving towards
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Instead of “I need to finish this” or even “I need to start this,” begin to say to yourself, “How can I move towards this task?” When you want to get your kitchen reset before you sit down for the evening, moving towards can just mean going and standing in the kitchen. Do nothing; do anything; sit by the sink; look at your phone while you
lean on the counter. Even this placeholder step can help create enough momentum to eventually pick up one dish.
built-in wait times
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What activities in your life do you enjoy that have built-in wait times?
Maybe it’s waiting for the kettle to boil or for cookies to bake. Next time you want to do a care task, start an enjoyable task and use the wait time to start a care task. Knowing that there is a finish line can
lower the barrier to entry. My favorite trick is to cut myself a break on cooking dinner and order DoorDash, using the wait time to get some things done. Knowing I can be totally finished when the food arrives feels motivating to me.
bundling
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If you tend to avoid care tasks because they are boring, choose
something you can enjoy during the task: a Netflix show, a podcast, an audiobook, et cetera. Don’t just limit yourself to home care tasks either. A good podcast or audiobook while you shower can make all the difference.
body doubling
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Have you ever noticed it’s easier to do something when a friend is with you? Even if they don’t help, there is something about the
presence of another person that can make doing tasks easier. Ask a friend to spend time with you while you do care tasks. You can even call them on the phone.
timed cleaning
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One of my favorite tools is the visual timer. It helps in so many ways!
Sometimes when we think of a task that seems unpleasant, like
unloading the dishwasher, our brain tells us that the task is going to take much longer than it actually does. Other times tasks like
cleaning our bedroom feel so huge it’s overwhelming to even start. In those instances it’s helpful to set a timer for a small increment of
time that you feel you can stomach. Usually between five and fifteen minutes. The visual color helps your brain conceptualize the amount of time left more clearly than a regular clock or timer. When using a timer, you realize that unloading the dishwasher only takes four
minutes! When you are cleaning your bedroom, the timer gives you permission to stop after fifteen minutes regardless of whether the task is done. Feel like you’re in the groove now and want to keep
going? Great! Want to stop? That’s allowed too.
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(Note: The visual timer is also helpful for those who experience time blindness. When you have forty-five minutes to get ready for
work, setting a visual timer makes time management easier because you can see the time remaining as a percentage of time rather than a number. This is also the reason it’s great for kids!)
There are a few brands that sell visual timers. Time Timer and Secura are two good brands. If audible ticking bothers you, make sure to get one where you can turn that feature off.
The metaphor of an on-ramp is used to explain how you can make starting a task feel easier, in the same way that the entrance lane to a highway allows you to gradually merge onto the road.
