WHAT WERE MY coping strategies?
A full list on that was yet to be googled, but for now, I decided on the ride home from Dr. Nicoleโs bungalow, coping strategy number one would be art.
I mean, objectively, I had a giant deadline. So I needed to be doing art, anyway. And the truest thing I knew about myself was this: I was always happy when I was making things.
I grabbed my favorite, most bright and delightful box of watercolors โฆ but then, instead of just doing something fun, I started working. On faces. Instead of just picking something, anything, colorful and pleasant to paintโ a fruit basket, say, or some flowersโI bore down on myself like some kind of ruler-toting schoolmarm. Hell-bent on forcing my fusiform face gyrus into submission, I spent an entire Saturday painting face after face after face like a madwoman chasing her own puzzle-piece-shaped shadow.
How did it go?
Iโm guessing not well.
But of course once they were done, I couldnโt see them.
Fine. Didnโt matter. Maybe if I did enough of them, things would start to shift.
Or not.
Either way, it was something to do.
So what if the grim determination of my attitude sucked the joy out of it
all?
I had less than three weeks to fix my FFG.
By the end of the night, when my fingers were stained turquoise and
plum and tangerine, and my eyes felt like sandpaper, I had a stack of
scribbled, unintelligible faces a foot high and a whole table of others laid out to dry.
My plan was to get up the next day and do it again. But then, the next morning, Peanut got sick.
THANK GOD THIS face-blindness thing applied only to humans.
Peanutโs big, brown, perfectly round, saturated-with-affection puppy eyes had been like a balm for my weary soul. After Iโd brought him home from being boarded, it was the two of us against the world. I looked at that little mug of his a hundred times a dayโpositively savoring his jaunty yellow mustache and that perky button nose and those ears that never could seem to both flop forward at the same time.
โYouโreย not faceless, Peanut,โ Iโd tell him, pressing my nose into his fur. If there were a dog hall of fame, Peanut would be on all their merchandise. He was cute as hell without being full of himself. He was endlessly cheery. He was a good eater without being a glutton. He was just as happy to go on a walk as he was to spend the entire day napping. He loved a good squeaky toy, but he lost interest at exactly the same rate I did. He loved me madlyโleaping in circles whenever I came back home from anywhereโbut without taking it too far. Without, say, suffering from separation anxiety and eating my shoes. His self-esteem was solid. His
fashion sense was legendary. His sense of humor was totally deadpan.
I preferred him to most people even in normal times, is what Iโm saying.
But of course, even more so now, when โmost peopleโ were the last thing on earth I wanted to see.
And so when I woke up way too early on Sunday morning and set out his favorite breakfast dishโtorn pieces of croissant from his favorite French bakeryโbut he sat still and stared at me โฆ my heart dropped in my chest.
I just knew, you know? I sensed in an instant something was wrong.
I tried coaxing him over, holding up a piece and taking a nibble myself, hoping heโd come take it. (He didnโt.) I tried picking him up and setting him in front of the dish, like that might inspire him to dive in. (It didnโt.) I tried
giving the dish ten seconds in the microwave, like that might make it seem fresh-baked and more appealing. (Kind of the opposite.)
But nothing.
All Peanut wanted to do was hold himself still like a statue.
I squeaked his squeaky squirrel, but he just stared at me, like,ย Really?ย I tossed it across the room and ran after it like we were racing, but he just blinked at me, like,ย Please.ย And when I finally picked up his leash and jangled it at him and watched himย fully not respond,ย thatโs when I called the vet.
The new vetโbecause it was closest. They werenโt even open yet, but I told the answering service it was an emergency.
They said theyโd page one of the vets to meet me at the clinic.
And hereโs how worried about Peanut I was: I didnโt even think to request Dr. Addison.
IT WAS A small clinic, not some big 24-hour place. But they did have weekend hours.
They were open only from eight to noon on Sundays, but I wrapped Peanut up in his favorite velour blanket, cradled him in my arms, power walked the entire two blocks over because I still wasnโt allowed to run for skull-related reasons, and was sitting on the bench by the clinic doors at 7:45.
My heart was wheezing. I donโt even think it was pumping blood at that pointโjust straight adrenaline and a dark feeling of dread that Peanut was dying.
Which was unacceptable. Even though he was fourteen years old.
This was no joke. Iโd done a pretty impressive set of mathematical calculations involving the life spans of all the different dog breeds he was a mix of, and by every analysis, I was guaranteed at least two more years.
Some dogs in his general category made it to eighteen, even.
Thatโs all I could think as I sat on the bench with tears positively shellacking my face. I was not letting this dog die. I was not losing the only person who loved me. Not today. Any treatment.ย Anything.ย Iโd call Lucinda
if I had to. Iโd beg my dad. No bill was too high. No humiliation was too great.
A few minutes later, Dr. Oliver Addison himself showed up, and I heard his leather dress shoes tapping the pavement of the parking lot before I saw the man himself.
When I looked up, I swear he was walking in slo-mo like a superhero. Thatโs how I remember it: backlit with a lens flare, the good doctor already wearing his white lab coat, which was unbuttoned and flapping behind him, cape-like, in the wind. This was no casual-Sunday ensemble: the man was bringing his professional A game, wearing a tie, suit slacks, and that epic, slicked-back Clark Kent hair.
And letโs not forget his gait: that confident, badass, Iโm-going-to-save- your-pooch stride.
How had I never noticedย gaitsย before?
They were practically a love language all to themselves.
In another situation, I would have melted at the sightโdripped through the bench slats and puddled on the sidewalk.
But I stayed focused. For Peanut.
I stood up as Dr. Addison got closer, totally unaware that I was rocking the opposite of hisย GQย cover shoot vibe: I was still in the cotton calico baby-doll pajamas Iโd slept in. And I shouldโve popped on my sneakers as I headed out the door, but I somehow traveled two blocks to the vet clinic in my fuzzy slippers shaped like bunny rabbits, instead.
But the mortification of that would hit me later. Right now, there were only two things in the world: the little fuzzball dog burrito in my arms and the man who needed to save him.
Dr. Addison slowed as he got close, taking in the sight of us.
โThereโs something wrong,โ I said, my voice trembly from crying. โHe wonโt eat. He wonโt move.โ And now, we both noticed, he was panting.
Dr. Addison nodded like an unflappable hero and said, โLetโs get him inside.โ
He led us straight past all the exam rooms, back to the back, where the real veterinary medicine took place. All the boarded dogs in their kennels woke up as we came in and started barking and whining and rattling around.
Dr. Addison didnโt even notice.
When we got to an exam table, he said, โRemind me of his age?โ
โFourteen,โ I saidโthen added, โA very youthful fourteen,โ like that might matter.
Dr. Addison reached for Peanut, and I handed him over like a swaddled babe. Then he unwrapped him, saying, โHey, buddy. Letโs get a look at you.โ
Peanut must have really been feeling bad, because even though he didnโt like men in general, he tolerated Dr. Addisonโholding still and crouching on the stainless-steel exam table.
Dr. Addison ran his hands all around, feeling for lumps and bumps.
Palpating things. Checking his gums, which were, apparently, too white. โThatโs bad?โ I asked.
โThey should be pinker,โ Dr. Addison answered, but he was already on to checking other things.
When the rest of the staff arrived, they gently led me back out to the waiting area, saying they could work faster that way. The faceless tech Iโd met the first day said theyโd be running blood work and chemistries, checking red and white cells and platelets and kidney and liver function. โWeโll know a lot more in a few hours,โ she said. โYou can go home. Weโll call you when we get the results.โ
โIโll stay here, if thatโs all right.โ
The faceless tech nodded. โSure.โ Then she held out a folded lab coat to me. โDr. Addison said you might say that. And he thought you might be โฆ cold.โ
And so I put it on and stayed. I think I was hungry, but I didnโt notice. I hadnโt had any coffee that morning, and I did notice the caffeine headache creeping up the back of my neck. I didnโt have anything to doโhadnโt even brought my phoneโso I just squeezed over and over on that little spot between your thumb and forefinger thatโs supposed to be a pressure point for relieving tension. Pressing on one hand, then the other โฆ waiting for it to work.
It didnโt really work.
I kept expectingโany minuteโfor Dr. Addison to come striding out like a TV doctor and tell me that everything was fixed.
Instead, at noon, he came out and told me they wanted to give Peanut a blood transfusion.
That didnโt sound good.
I worked my pressure points even harder.
โThe labs came back,โ he said, โand weโve diagnosed him with IMHA, which stands for immune-mediated hemolytic anemia.โ
Oh god. More medical terms. I shook my head. โWhat is that?โ
โHis immune system is attacking his own red blood cells. His hematocrit was at twelve when it should be closer to fifty. Thatโs why heโs panting. He canโt get enough oxygen.โ
All I could ask was, โWhy is this happening?โ
It was probably more of a rhetorical, big-picture, why-is-my-whole-life- falling-apart-all-at-once question than a medical one. But Dr. Addison answered it anyway, all earnest: โWe donโt know what causes it,โ he said. โItโs idiopathic. All of a sudden, the immune system just goes haywire and starts attacking itself.โ
โIs it curable?โ I asked.
โItโs life-threatening,โ he said, โbut it can be cured. The survival rate is thirty to seventy percent.โ
Thirty to seventy percent?ย What a useless piece of information. โI really was hoping for just a flat yes.โ
โWeโre going to give him everything weโve got,โ Dr. Addison promised. โHe looks like a fighter.โ
At that, I felt tears flooding up in my chest. โThe thing isโฆโ I said then, trying to push my voice to sound normal through the tightness in my throat. โThe thing is โฆ I canโt lose him. Do you know what I mean? Iย canโt.โ
Dr. Addison nodded, and I could sense a new tenderness about him. โThe blood transfusion should help a lot,โ he said next. โGive him the energy he needs to fight.โ
I nodded, my face wet again. โI know everybody thinks their dog is the best dog, but the thing is my dog really is actually, literally, the best.โ What was I saying?
โLater today,โ Dr. Addison went on, staying focused, โweโll want to get him eating. Can you tell me his favorite foods?โ
I sat up straighter and pawed at my eyes, determined to pull it together. โYes. He loves tortillas, doughnuts, and rigatoni Bolognese. Heโs a big fan of saag paneer. He goes crazy for California rolls. He also loves crepesโ but only like the kind you get in Paris. If theyโre too pancakey, thatโs a no.โ
Dr. Addison tilted his head. โI was thinking more like โฆ dog food.โ โHeโs not really a dog food guy,โ I said.
โYour dog doesnโt eat dog food?โ
โI mean, itโll do in a pinch. But if youโre asking me what he likesโฆโ โAll those carbs canโt be healthy for him.โ
Iโd heard this before, and Iโd defended my little guy before, too. โHeโs a foodie,โ I said. โHe has a very refined palate.โ
Dr. Addison took that in.
And then a little joke Iโd made many times popped into my head, and I just said it now without really stopping to wonder if, in our current situation, it was still true: โYou know those old guys who smoke a pack a day but live to be a hundred?โ
โYeah?โ
โHeโs kind of like that, but with croissants.โ
I WANTED TO just stay in the waiting room of the vet clinic all day and all night, foreverโbut hunger and exhaustion forced me, not long before dinnertime, to leave Peanut in Dr. Addisonโs sexy but capable hands and go home.
I also wanted to take that lab coat with me, but I left itโwalking home instead in my baby-doll pjโs and bunny slippers, feeling extra naked and alone, and fully expecting to run into some humiliating stranger. A former boss. A premed professor. My dad.
But the person I ran into was Mr. Kim.
I knew him, of course, because he always wore dress shoes, suit pants, a button-down Oxford shirt, and suspenders. Heโd been dressing like that Sueโs entire life. No matter what he was doing.
And I was so glad it was him, of all people. Heโd seen Sue and meโ lots of timesโin much crazier getups than bunny slippers.
This evening, he was tinkering with the mechanics of the elevator doors, but when he saw me, he abandoned that project. โCome see me,โ he said, gesturing me toward him.
โWhat about the elevator?โ I asked.
But he waved me off. โWeโve got stairs.โ
He led me around to a quiet corner, and then he cut right to the chase. โI hear that youโre not just using the rooftop as a studioโyouโre living there.โ
Mr. Kim smiled a lot. Maybe he wasnโt always smilingโbut he was often smiling.
But I couldnโt sense him smiling now.
My heart dropped. Was I getting kicked out?
Was I reallyโright here, in my pjโs and bunny slippers, with Peanut in the ICU, at the brokest and sickest and most disoriented Iโd ever been in my lifeโgetting kicked out of my apartment by the closest thing to a father figure I had?
His voice was pretty serious. โThat wonโt work,โ he said, shaking his head with a vibe like he was truly sorry.
I nodded.ย Of course.ย I never should have snuck around behind the Kimsโ back to begin with.
โItโs not an apartment,โ he said next. โRenting it as a studio is one thing. But itโs not fit to live in. I reallyโโand here he shook his head
โโcanโt rent that place as living quarters.โ
I nodded harder. โI get it. Youโre right. Iโm so sorry.โ Oh god, I was so screwed.
But then Mr. Kim let out a chuckle that he couldnโt suppress any longer. โSo I guess,โ he said, clapping his hand on my shoulder, โyouโll just have to stay there for free.โ