ovember 2008
The cheapest FlฤฑGht to chฤฑcaGo left at six a.m., so Rhoan borrowed his brotherโs car early that morning, and he and Carrie
drove Alice to the airport. She knew that if they hadnโt, she wouldnโt have made her way there on her own. She felt strange and heavy-limbed, after two weeks without speaking to her mother, knowing that she had a father. She needed her friendsโ hands on her back. Carrie had offered to travel to Chicago with her, but Alice knew she had to do this by herself.
She wouldnโt let them hug her goodbye. โIโll be back tomorrow,โ she said.
โYou can always change your ticket and stay longer,โ Carrie said. โI want you to go there and show those people what theyโve been
missing,โ Rhoan said. โTheyโre your family. Donโt be afraid to tell them off if necessary. But donโt be afraid to smile either.โ
Alice walked through the airport, wearing her gray backpack. She followed the instructions of the flight attendants while boarding the plane and closed her eyes for the duration of the flight. She couldnโt bear for anyone to speak to her, even to offer a beverage. Alice squeezed the armrests and was aware of every bounce of the plane, every small disruption of the air and space she occupied.
At OโHare, a giant, labyrinthine airport with cathedral-like glass ceilings, Alice waited in the taxi queue and then gave the driver the address for the Bulls practice facility in downtown Chicago. She tried
to pay attention to the city as the car crossed the river and entered a thicket of tall buildings. Elevated trains rattled above the car. There didnโt seem to be as many people on the sidewalks as in New York. Sheโd hoped to see murals, maybe even Ceceliaโs, but in this part of the city, the walls were blank.
Alice thought,ย This is where my mother grew up. This is where Iโll meet my father.ย She felt alone almost as a physical sensation: Her skin tingled as if she hadnโt been touched in days. She found that she could barely remember the sound of her motherโs voice, and this panicked her. Being here made Alice feel like sheโd left Julia behind in some way that was important and permanent. She texted her mother for the first time since the night in the Greek restaurant:ย A shadow represents either the blocking out of light or the other half of a person. When a character loses their shadow, theyโve lost a part of themselves and have to search to get it back.
The taxi came to a stop. Alice paid and climbed out of the car. She knew she couldnโt stand still or allow herself to think. She pulled open the glass door in front of her and walked into a large foyer. She could hear the thumping of basketballs in the distance, and there were a few extremely tall men sitting on couches in the corner, their knees raised high. An older man with a whistle around his neck walked past her, and he was close to seven feet tall. Alice had a strange realization that she was in a place where people wouldnโt find her height of any interest; this building was populated with giants.
She walked up to the desk. A young man looked up from his computer. He blinked at her and then said, โHow can Iโฆโ He paused. โMaโam, you look just like one of our physios.โ
โWilliam Waters?โ Alice said. He nodded. โItโs uncanny.โ โCan I see him, please?โ
โI donโt think heโs come in yet. He should be here any minute, though. Do you want to take a seat and wait?โ
She nodded and walked across the foyer to where the couches were. She realized, as she sat down, that the furniture was unusually high off the ground, built for oversized humans. Alice tried her best to appear calm and relaxed and not to look startled every time the front door opened, which was often. After fifteen minutes, she texted Carrie:ย How long do I wait?
The reply came:ย A long time.
After thirty minutes, the young man from the front desk walked over and said, โIโm sorry this is taking so long. Williamโs usually right on time. I left a message on his cellphone, letting him know you were here. Iโm sure heโll arrive soon.โ
Alice nodded her thanks and wondered, while he walked away, how heโd described her in the voicemail. Had he said,ย A tall woman who looks like you is here? Or,ย The daughter you never wanted has shown up?
An hour passed, and her stomach grumbled. It was almost lunchtime, and sheโd woken up well before dawn, too nervous to eat. She saw the pitying looks the people who worked there were giving her. She thought,ย Iโm an idiot. He clearly knows Iโm here and isnโt coming for that reason. They all feel bad for me.
She texted Carrie:ย In ten minutes, Iโm leaving.
Her friend wrote right back.ย You can leave that building, but youโre not leaving Chicago. You committed to twenty-four hours there. Your ticket is for tomorrow. Call one of your aunts. See someone.
Alice considered this. She wanted, more than anything, to go
back to the airport. Back to her safe, comfortable life. She had done the brave thing by coming here, and it hadnโt worked out. But what Carrie had said about Alice sealing herself off after losing her father at the age of five had rung true. She had been wrapped up in her motherโs hair; sheโd imbibed her motherโs control with her morning glass of orange juice as a child. She was twenty-five years old, and she had never been in love, never had s*x. Sheโd been kissed once, by a drunken boy at a college party, but she had never kissed. She
liked her safe life, but she could see how she might need to open some windows, if only to show herself that she could.
โIโm sorry, miss.โ The young man was in front of her again. โI tried to contact his colleague Kent too, because William is often with him, but his phone also went to voicemail. I hate to see you wait here. How about you give me your cell number and then go about your day? I can contact you when William turns up.โ
Alice wrote her cellphone number on the pad of paper the man handed her and thanked him. She walked out of the building with her head high, as if she werenโt embarrassed, as if she knew what she was going to do next. It turned out that she did, once she was in the clear air of the sidewalk. She would call her aunt Cecelia, whose artwork wallpapered her bedroom and her dreams. Alice had her numberโall the phone numbers, actuallyโfrom Rhoanโs research.
While she listened to the phone ring, she thought,ย If no one answers, I get to go back to the airport.ย When a female voice said, โHello?โ Aliceโs heart sank.
โIs this Cecelia Padavano?โ she said.
โNoโthis is Izzy. Are you calling from the hospital? Can I take a message? Iโm her daughter.โ
โWhat?โ Alice said. โNo, Iโm not calling from a hospital. Iโฆuhโฆmy name is Alice. Padavano. I think youโre my cousin?โ
A silence took over then, on both ends of the phone line. Alice sank into the quiet as if into the deep end of a pool, having no idea when or if she would reach the bottom. โSweet Jesus,โ Izzy said finally. โAlice! Where are you? Are you in Chicago?โ
Alice nodded, and then realized she had to speak. โYes.โ โCome here right now,โ Izzy said. โWe need you. Come home.โ
