Earlier the same day.
I saw nothing but black. My head felt like a lot of bowling balls were set on my shoulders. My eyes took a moment to focus on other
things than just the bright light.
I squint, trying to sit up looking around to see my stuffed animal, Shovel next to me.
“Oh my God, you’re awake.” I hear a voice; blonde hair surrounded my arm.
It took five seconds for me to see her bright blue ocean eyes. It was Margo, “Anna?” She asked me as I looked back at her, I felt inaudible.
“Nurse?!” She stands up, opening the door as nurses flood the room, putting their hands all over me.
I couldn’t breathe, feeling the need to sob as my senses felt filled to the brim.
A hand holds mine; I turn to look at a lady I have never seen in my life. I turned to the right to see my father next to Liam who was hooked on a monitor.
“Grayson?” I force out with a weak voice, “Where’s Grayson?” I almost plead.
Unsure of what my need was or why I was in a hospital bed, I felt blood rush through my brain, like I was tender and frail at the same time. A delay of sharp pain shoots up my leg, my mouth opening to a squirm.
“It’s okay baby, just relax for the nurses.” I heard from an old lady who was taking a needle to my arm.
I hear beeps to my left, my heartbeat at a fast space, “Stop surrounding her!” Margo’s voice come to my radar once again, “She’s not comfortable with crowds or multiple people at once.”
A nurse turns to look at Margo, “Then maybe you and the family members should go.”
Margo laughs, folding her arms. “Trust me, out of everyone here, you want me here.”
Everything was happening so fast, yet everyone was in slow motion.
My body weakened once again. It was like I was sedated.
The nurses pull away, leaving the room in a couple of minutes. Margo rushes over to me with a fast voice, “I’m here.” She holds my other hand.
I pulled away from the random lady who had tears streaming down her face. “Dad?” I felt my eyes water at that very moment.
“Oh sweetheart…” He walks closer, the other lady moving out of the way, in the background with Liam.
If Liam was here, Grayson would have to be near, right?
My dad sat next to me, his breathing relaxed and slow. I closed my eyes.
The room quieted down as I swallowed.
“Adrianna.” My father whispers as he kisses my hand, I didn’t say anything, only look at him, “I’m so sorry for everything. I should’ve been there for you.”
I felt my heart ache, tears falling one after the other.
“I’m so sorry, dad…” He shushes me. Margo squeezes my hand with comfort. I missed her so much.
“Where’s Juliette and Verina?” I ask, my voice breaking. “They are coming straight after school.”
I look forward, seeing Liam. “Liam?” I sit up.
“Adrianna.”
“What are you doing here? And who’s next to you?” She was practically drowning in her own puddle of tears.
“Honey,” I looked at my dad suddenly sounding awkward, “That lady, her name is Odessa Brookshire, Liam’s mother… and also yours.”
I felt a whole wave of shock run through my body, as I stared into her eyes. They shared the same color as mine. Her hair, raven like mine. Even the way her lips pouted was like me replicated.
I swallowed; I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t think I had enough energy to react in any way shape or form. I was confused and hurt. My own father knew that my mother was still around and didn’t feel the need to tell me.
On the contrary Liam looked about as blind-sided as I did. Not only did I gain a mother, but I had gained a brother that I had known distantly for years.
I looked at Liam’s arm, it was patched up by cotton and medical tape.
I then realized that I hadn’t said anything then, not really sure, I could.
It felt like my lips were sewn together. I felt my body freeze.
I did nothing but squeeze Margo’s hand who sat there as silent as I was, “Honey?”
I just stared.
“Maybe you should give her some space, Odessa.” My father says as I watch their hatred radiate from each other.
“If that’s what she wants.”
She looks at me like I was her lifeline, but where was that for my whole life? Did she not want to reach out? Did she not want to see me? Or even meet me at all?
I looked away, my father walking closer, “She doesn’t have to say anything because I am. I want you to leave the room.”
“I’m her mother.”
“You may be her mother, but I’m her father legally. I have provided for her and have been with her.”
I couldn’t take any more of this. I wanted them all out of the room. I wanted Margo by my side, and I wanted my friends on the couch. I want people who actually care about me.
I look at Margo, tears running down my face as she stands, “With all due respect, Mr. Cassian and Mrs. Brookshire, I think you should both leave and let Adrianna take all of this information in without the both of you screaming at each other.”
“How dare you!” My mother turns to Margo, her finger raised and her voice moving up an octave. Liam whips in front of her.
“Mother, please.”
And our mother backs down, her face hurt and her eyes tortured, “I just want my baby safe.” She looks at me again, “Both of my babies.”
“They aren’t babies anymore, Odessa.” My father adds with irritation.
My mother’s sad eyes stay on mine, “Yes, well that’s the last time I saw them together.”
There was a silent moment before Margo walked closer to the door, opening it, hoping my parents would walk through it.
One by one they both walk through. My heart slows down, Margo shuts the door and runs next to me my arms wrapped around hers.
“Thank the fucking lord you’re okay.” She whispers. I breath out, “It’s okay, I deserved it.”
She pulls away, “What?”
I closed my eyes, and I had some time to think about it of course, and it was true. I felt like I deserved every little thing that had happened to me.
It was the second time that my heart had to be revived. Sue me if I’m tired, but I was hoping that the doctors weren’t good at their jobs.
It was like all my hopes were being poured into a basin filled with holes, leaking everywhere uncontrollably. For the duration of my lifetime, I have always been told I was a strong girl. A girl who knew exactly what she was doing with her life.
Doctors would tell me the same things every time, that I would be better off walking away and ignoring the diagnosed signs of my anxiety, depression, and my OCD.
I felt happy when I ignored it, but I felt like I was bottling it up and the accumulated air pressure built up so much to the point of shattering.
I was too embarrassed to talk about it. I was terrified to tell Margo that I had been taking drugs again. That I overdosed again.
I let the tears fall, “I’m so sorry.” I sniffled.
My eyes shuttering even harder, “I didn’t think it was that bad until it happened. I wasn’t thinking and I’m sorry for hiding everything.”
Margo pulls away, her eyes still on mine, “Don’t ever blame yourself. I didn’t know how it feels like to be in your shoes. I wouldn’t know how to deal with anything you’ve dealt with.”
No one ever understood me, deeper than the surface of course. No one will ever understand the hell that lived in my head that I never allowed to enter or leave.
I didn’t know how to ever respond to it. I was always scared to respond to it. I wondered how it would feel if I ever did.
Margo leans over, “Just because you carry everything so well doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy.”
We both turn our heads to a loud bang of Liam bumping to a random equipment, his face turning bright red.
“Liam!” I sat up, Margo placing her arm in front of me so that I stood back down.
“Adrianna.”
I wasn’t quite sure how to talk to Liam now, not that we were that close before Grayson, and I got together. A sense of need to speak to him was at play.
“I’m not really sure what to say right now.” Margo quickly turned her eyes back to mine, signaling that she was going to leave the room to give Liam and I time to speak to each other.
Liam takes her spot, sitting on the chair next to my bed. “I know this might sound fucking crazy and you don’t deserve to find out this way, nor did I.” He pauses, “It’s just…”
He sighs, like he was embarrassed. I felt my eyes start to water, “I’ve never really had real family other than my mother—our mother… and I don’t know how to speak to you as if you’re my sister.”
Sister. I was a sister.
I smiled; my grin reached the opposing sides of my face. Did he think that this would be easy for me as well? I wasn’t stupid, I knew that Liam had donated me the blood I needed to survive.
“Liam, you didn’t even know that I was your sister a week ago, but you didn’t hesitate to give me blood, I think that actions speak louder than words here.”
He looked confused and surprised, “Why are you looking at me like that?” I laugh.
He tilts his head, “How did you know that it was my blood?”
I look at the IV hooked to my hand, the tube travelled to a blood pack which had been hung to administrate blood to my veins, labelled “Liam Brookshire” which also included the date, the same night of the gala.
The same night as the accident.
I look back at him as he nodded, “I don’t think I could ever repay you for this, you saved my life.”
Liam laughs, “I’m sure you would’ve done the same if you were in my position.” He adds as I thought about it.
And honestly it truly would have depended on whether I was in a fantastic mood or not. Maybe if he wasn’t a complete bonehead to Margo, it
would’ve earned him extra points.
I smiled back, “Of course.”
Liam nods, “I don’t know if you want a relationship with me or our mother, but you don’t have to worry if you think mother wouldn’t want you. Something tells me that she always thought that she should’ve took you instead of me a long time ago.”
“That’s nonsense.”
Liam laughs again like I was delusional, “No one has to say it, but I know I’m a screw up Adrianna. I’m a rich kid with daddy and mommy issues that does nothing but slap a puck around every fucking day.”
He pauses, “The only person who told me I could be more than that is making it pretty clear that she doesn’t think so anymore.”
I look back at him, “Liam, no one’s perfect. I certainly am not perfect, trust me.” He rolls his eyes as I do the same.
“I’m a twenty-year-old girl who’s been hospitalized not once, but twice because of self-harming, drug abuse, eating disorders, anxiety, and pain killer overdoses.”
I look around the hospital room, “I know these doctors, not because I read their name tags but because I’ve been here so much. I’m practically a regular customer.”
We stay quiet. I wasn’t sure if he felt the same embarrassment that I had felt, or even a big weight lifted off my shoulders, but he nodded, “We are more alike than I thought. Huh.” He makes a point as I agreed with him.
“I have never told anyone about this, only Margo and my father.” I add as Liam smiles.
“I don’t talk to anyone but Grayson, Neil, and Christopher.” He stands up, “I’ll bury both our secrets to the grave.”
I flinched a second after I heard Grayson’s name come out of his mouth. And it was like he knew what the next words to come out of my mouth were going to be.
He interrupts, “He’s surviving.”
He shook his head lightly, “He’s been a complete mess with you here, Adrianna. He’s even slacking in hockey,” he whispered.
My eyes widened in alarm, and I sat up quickly. “We have to tell him I’m okay, that we’re going to be okay, and that everything is going to be just fine.”
He gently pushed me back down. “No, you need to stay here and recover. I’ll tell him before the game today.”
I narrowed my eyes, the way I did when someone dared to challenge me, but I forgot that Liam Brookshire wasn’t just another student at Hawthorne who was scared of me.
He was an elite. He wouldn’t back down.
“I’m late to the game anyway. I’ll tell him there,” he said, and I felt my heart settle down. With a small smile, I closed my eyes.
“Can you ask him to come by?” I asked slowly.
He shook his head with a soft laugh. “Nothing’s going to stop that man from rushing over to you the moment he hears you’re awake.”
I couldn’t help but feel like my world was collapsing and reassembling itself over and over again.
It felt like I was finally nearing the end of a marathon, with the finish line in sight, and I had never felt better.
After Liam left, I grew excited at the thought of finally hearing Grayson’s voice again, or even just seeing him.
I glanced to my side and saw my stuffed animal cuddled up next to me. Only he knew that I couldn’t sleep without that silly dog.
As I lay there, I began to rethink everything I might say to him. Should I tell him I missed him first, or that I was happy to see him?
Should I stand and hug him? No, that would be awful if I tripped and fell. Should I tell him I couldn’t imagine a world where we don’t work out?
That was it. That’s what I was going to tell him, so I sat and waited. Except I sat there for hours and hours. It was now midnight.
I had no calls.
No visit from him.
And no hope that he cared.
