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Chapter no 23

Funny Story

WEDNESDAY, JULY 24TH

24 DAYS UNTIL THE READ- A -THON

ASIDE FROM THEย radio silence about my Ocean City library application, Iโ€™m having a streak of uncommonly good luck.

On Sunday, Miles surprised me and (a less than thrilled) Julia with a

drive down to a little town called North Bear Shores for a bookstore event with a romance writer Sadie had turned me on to years ago. After the signing, the shop owner and her geology professor wife ended up falling in love with Miles (obviously) and making a donation toward the Read-a-thon. On Monday, two childrenโ€™s book authors agreed to send videos for Read-a-thon prizes, while a third offered to do a live video call with the

kids.

Tuesday, our monthly Fortnite tournament kicked off with our highest turnout ever, and today, when Maya dropped by the desk to pick up her holds, Iโ€™d finally managed to convince her to come to next weekโ€™s YA book club.

Mom screams with excitement when I tell her on our call as I walk home.

That or she accidentally drops some free weights close to her toes. โ€œThatโ€™s great, honey,โ€ she says. โ€œI know that kidโ€™s been a tough nut to

crack.โ€

โ€œSheโ€™s justย soย shy. But the other kids in the group are really sweet,โ€ I say. โ€œAnd a couple are homeschooled, so sheโ€™s probably never met them, which could be good. A clean slate.โ€

โ€œGod, once, when you were having a hard time at a new school, I remember asking you if you wanted to be homeschooled,โ€ Mom says.

I snort. โ€œWhen would you have had time toย homeschoolย me?โ€

โ€œI wouldnโ€™t have,โ€ she says. โ€œBut you were so unhappy at school. I didnโ€™t know what to do. I wanted to just rescue you from your misery. Do you remember what you said to me?โ€

โ€œI never even remember homeschooling being on the table,โ€ I say.

โ€œYou said youโ€™d miss your teachers too much.โ€ She bursts into breathless laughter, which turns into a groan of exertion, followed by the clank of weights hitting the floor. โ€œYou were shy, but you were brave.โ€

โ€œI was a little nerd, you can say it,โ€ I say.

โ€œBack then they used to call it โ€˜a pleasure to have in class,โ€™ โ€ she tells me.

My phone beeps and I step under an awning. โ€œHold on a second,โ€ I tell her, blocking the glare to read the screen. โ€œWhat theย hell?โ€

โ€œIs everything okay?โ€ Mom asks. โ€œYep!โ€ I say too brightly.

Everythingโ€™s great except that my dadโ€™s trying to call me, and itโ€™s not two weeks after a major holiday, when Iโ€™d normally hear from him.

I fire a text his way:ย Sorry, on the phone.

He replies immediately, an extreme rarity:ย Gimme a call when you get a sec. Fun news.

Anxiety corkscrews through me.ย Fun news, in Jason Roberts Speak, is usually:ย Hey, Iโ€™m dating a twenty-six-year-old!ย (Not for long.)

Or,ย I made a friend who owns a catamaran, so Iโ€™m going out of the country for a while. Send you a postcard when I hit dry land!ย (He wonโ€™t.)

โ€œDaphne?โ€ Mom asks.

โ€œEverythingโ€™s fine.โ€ She and Dad arenโ€™t mortal enemies or anything, but she stopped having contact with him pretty much the moment I turned eighteen, and as good as my mom is at empathizing, laughing through the shit storms in life, sheโ€™s always gone out of her way toย notย trash Dad. For my sake, I know, but sometimes I just want her to stop being supermom and

just agree with me that heโ€™s the worst. So mostly we just donโ€™t talk about him.

โ€œWell, look,โ€ she says. โ€œIโ€™m happy for you, and Iโ€™m proud of you, and I love you.โ€

โ€œAnd you have to go?โ€ I autofill.

โ€œI do,โ€ she says. โ€œIโ€™m going to the beach tomorrow with some friends, but talk next week?โ€

โ€œNo problem,โ€ I tell her. โ€œLove you.โ€

โ€œLove you more,โ€ she says, hanging up before I can argue.

When I pass the taffy-green fairy-tale cottage, the morning glories vining around the picket fence are in full bloom, little birds cheeping from the branches like one more good omen.

On a whim, I check the online listing. The price has recently dropped fifty thousand dollars, but itโ€™s still well beyond my real-life range. Still, it feels good to daydream.

To picture myself in a place like that. Hosting dinners and watching action movies. Grabbing chai from the cafรฉ up the street and filling vases with fresh-cut lavender. Drinking wine out back with friends during lightning bug season.

I can almost see it. I can almost see a life here.

 

 

โ€œANY BIG PLANSย for your birthday?โ€ Harvey asks Ashleigh as we settle around the poker table several hours later with the others.

โ€œItโ€™s your birthday?โ€ I say. โ€œWhen?โ€

She groans. โ€œA week from Saturday. Forty-three. Andย noย to big plans. It just so happens to fall on the weekend Mulder and I get back from visiting my mom in Sedona, so heโ€™ll be at his dadโ€™s place, and Iโ€™ll be at home rotting my brain to the tune of Bravo reality TV.โ€

โ€œWhy would you be home?โ€ I say. โ€œWeย should do something.โ€ Around her cigar, Lenore says, โ€œYouโ€™re not gonna win this battle.โ€

โ€œIโ€™ve always hated my birthday,โ€ Ashleigh explains. โ€œItโ€™s just one more reminder of how little progress Iโ€™ve made. Iโ€™m in exactly the same spot I was this time last year. Looking at the same four walls in the same house in the same town, only minus a husband.โ€

โ€œOh, sweetie, thatโ€™s not true at all!โ€ Barb pipes in. โ€œYouย leftย a stagnant marriage. You started therapy. You got Mulder through a tough year, and now youโ€™ve broughtย Daphneย into our little circle!โ€

โ€œAnd itโ€™s not a day to celebrate progress, anyway,โ€ I insist. โ€œItโ€™s a day to celebrateย existence. We have to do something.โ€

โ€œArenโ€™t the roles a bit reversed here?โ€ Her brow arches. โ€œIโ€™mย the fun, take-charge one.โ€

โ€œYou are,โ€ I agree. โ€œBut you canโ€™tย Ashleighย yourself, so someone else has to.โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t want to go out.โ€ She sticks out her bottom lip.

โ€œThen we wonโ€™t go out,โ€ I relent. โ€œWhat if I come over and we paint?โ€

Her face scrunches, an expression akin to disgust. โ€œLike Bob Ross landscapes?โ€

โ€œLike a room,โ€ I say. โ€œIn your house. You said Duke never wanted you to, right? And youโ€™re tired of looking at the same four walls. So pick a wall color, and Iโ€™ll come help paint.โ€

โ€œIโ€™mย terribleย at painting,โ€ she says. โ€œI get too impatient and fuck up the โ€˜cut-in.โ€™ โ€

โ€œWell, youโ€™re in luck, because Iโ€™mย amazingย at the cut-in,โ€ I say. She snorts. โ€œYou would be.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m not insulted by that,โ€ I tell her.

She considers for a beat. โ€œSo youโ€™ll come do all the hard parts, and Iโ€™ll pour the wine,ย whileย we watch the housewives throw drinks and scream โ€˜just own itโ€™ at each other?โ€

โ€œSure,โ€ I say. โ€œAnyone else want in?โ€

Lenore guffaws. โ€œIโ€™m good, but you girls enjoy yourselves.โ€ Harvey and Barb nod agreement.

โ€œOkay, Vincent,โ€ Ashleigh says after a moment of consideration. โ€œSaturday night after next. Iโ€™ll pick a color. You wear your adorable

friendship-montage overalls.โ€ โ€œI donโ€™t have those,โ€ I say.

โ€œWell, youโ€™ve got all week.โ€

โ€œI know a great farm supply store,โ€ Barb offers helpfully.

โ€œNow, can we please get to the cards?โ€ Harvey says. โ€œIโ€™m feeling lucky tonight.โ€

And he is pretty lucky that night. He wins six hands. I win the game.

 

 

WE GET RAINEDย out on Sunday. Miles didnโ€™t tell usย whatย we were supposed to do, only that it requires good weather. โ€œThink you could call off on Thursday?โ€ he asks me as weโ€™re making our respective tea and coffee in the kitchen. Ordinarily, Iโ€™d hate to call off, but with Ashleigh out all week, workโ€™s been a little boring, and there isnโ€™t much on the libraryโ€™s calendar that day, so I give in.

I still wake up at seven, even without an alarm, and decide to ease into my day reading and sipping iced tea at one of Fikaโ€™s sidewalk tables. On a whim, I order matcha and like it more than I expected, but still decide to go back in for my usual before walking home.

The thoroughly facial-pierced barista looks up and calls brightly, โ€œYouโ€™re back!โ€

โ€œI am,โ€ I say.

โ€œAnother matcha?โ€ he says. โ€œOr iced chai with milk?โ€

โ€œChai, please,โ€ I say. โ€œPlus an iced miel, and an iced hazelnut latte.โ€ โ€œBig day?โ€ he teases.

โ€œFor my roommates,โ€ I say.

โ€œGot it.โ€ Heโ€™s scribbling my name on all three cups, without asking for it. I feel an embarrassing amount of pride at having become a regular someplace new, on my own.

โ€œHow much do I owe you?โ€ I ask when he brings the finished drinks to me.

โ€œOn the house today,โ€ he says. โ€œWhat? Are you sure?โ€ I ask.

He looks around, then leans in. โ€œMy manager isnโ€™t here, thereโ€™s no one in line behind you to demand their own free drinks, and youโ€™re a good tipper. Iโ€™m sure.โ€

โ€œWell, thanks.โ€ I stuff the ten-dollar bill in my handโ€”part of last Wednesday nightโ€™s winningsโ€”into the jar.

โ€œJonah,โ€ he puts in, without me asking. โ€œThanks, Jonah,โ€ I say.

He beams. โ€œHave a good day, Daphne.โ€

On my walk home, my dad tries to call me and I accidentally hang up. I forgot to call him back last week, which isnโ€™t like me. But itโ€™s not like him to call me, period.

At this point, weโ€™re sustaining more of aย casual texts every few months

kind of relationship.

At a stoplight, I text him:ย Sorry, can I call you back in just a few?ย Iโ€™m terrible at multitasking even when the two tasks at hand arenโ€™t as demanding as (a) navigating small talk with my semiestranged father and

(b) navigating crowds of ice-cream-sandwich-carrying out-of-towners zigzagging in every direction.

No need, Dad replies.ย Just wanted to confirm the address your mom gave me.

So heโ€™s mailing me something. Right when Iโ€™ve finally started clearing out the wedding junk.

If this surprise package is anything like Dadโ€™s last few, I can look forward to an intriguing assortment of miracle-cure vitamins, essential oils, and weed gummies Iย did notย ask for and likely are an actual crime to mail. For good measure, sometimes he throws in something vaguely nostalgic but ultimately misguided. Like a yellow snow hat he found in his attic and is convinced belonged to me as a kid.

In that case, I so thoroughly did not recognize the hat that the only logical explanation was: it belonged to whoever owned the house before Dad, and since he could only afford the place due to the fact that aย violent

crimeย had been committed there, youโ€™d better believe that hat went straight into the trash.

I did, however, briefly burn the sage he sent me, in the general vicinity of the trash can, before tossing it in after the snow cap. I figure we reached net-zero on that particular โ€œgift.โ€

Inside our apartment building, I check my phone again. The address Dad sent for confirmation is, in fact, Milesโ€™s place. Still, I dial his number as Iโ€™m trudging upstairs, determined to talk him out of sending me anything.

The call rings out. I try once more. A message prompts me to leave a voice mail as I reach our door.

After the beep, I say, โ€œHey, Dad.โ€ My key jams in the lock, and it takes some wiggling to get it to turn. โ€œSorry I missed you. Just give me a call back whenโ€”โ€

The door swings open.

Iย donโ€™t open it.

Someone on the other side does.

A middle-aged woman with a 1960s-esque beehive and cleavage to her chin.

She looks every bit as surprised to seeย meย coming into my apartment as I am to seeย herย already standing inside it.

โ€œDaphne!โ€ she shouts, with pure ecstasy.

โ€œHiiii,โ€ I say, trying furiously to place her and gettingย nowhere.

My dad steps out of the kitchen, into view, slipping one hand over the womanโ€™s shoulder. โ€œHey, kid,โ€ he says. โ€œSurprise!โ€

Enjoy a fast, distraction-free reading experience. 'Request a Book' and other cool features are coming soon,

Enjoy a fast, distraction-free reading experience. 'Request a Book' and other cool features are coming soon.

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