TUESDAY, JUNE 25TH
5 3 DAYS UNTIL I CAN LEAVE
MILES IS ONย his way out the door when I get home, a piece of toast clamped in his mouth and his keys, phone, and water bottle clutched in one hand.
โRunning late?โ I guess, holding the door open so he can slip out.
He nods, plucks the toast from between his lips. โHad to give Julia a ride. To aย date.โ
โSheโs been here, like, three days,โ I marvel. โI know. Guess she met him at BARn.โ
A few seconds tick by in which neither of us seems to have anything at all to say. Itโs the first time weโve been alone in the apartment together since Julia showed up.
I break first: โAnyway! Iโll let you go.โ
โRight. See you later.โ He turns to go but almost immediately does an about-face. โI forgot to mention, I canโt do this Sunday.โ
โOh.โ I try not to look crestfallen. I try not toย beย crestfallen. Itโs honestly probably for the best if we spend a little less time together. โNo worries.โ
โThe thing is,โ he begins.
โMiles, really, itโs fine,โ I promise.
โNo, I know, itโs just . . .โ He pauses. โIโm committed to this thing Saturday night.โ
I nod eagerly, like Iโm not only personally invested in but also thrilled by his having plans.
โBut I have two tickets,โ he says. โSo I was thinking maybe youโd want to go with me?โ
โOh,โ I say.
I must take too long to go on, because a slight smile tugs at his mouth, his eyes sparking with humor. โThereโs no pressure, Daphne,โ he says. โIf you donโt want toโโ
โNo,โ I say. โItโs not that.โ It isย exactlyย that.
โI just might have to get some work done,โ I say.
The work being,ย notย finding myself alone with Miles Nowak on a Saturday night and incapable of maintaining theย friendlyย boundaries weโve established.
โSorry,โ I force out. โMaybe next time.โ
He nods. โSure,โ he says. โIโll see you later.โ I nod too. โSee you.โ
He pops the toast back between his lips and disappears into the stairwell at the end of the hall.
I shut myself into the apartment and wait for the full-body regret to simmer down.
Itโs for the best. Iโm stuck here forย at leastย fifty-three more days, and Iโm not going to blow up my lifeย againย in that window.
I drop my bag and shuffle deeper into the apartment. Juliaโs shoes are in the front hall, her clothes everywhere in the living room and bedding still wadded on the sofa. The bathroom counter is smeared with makeup, and sheโs left two separate hair tools plugged in.
Minus the fire hazard, I donโt mind. As a kid, I was so jealous of my friends who had siblings. My best memories were all of movie nights with Mom or our long Saturday morning wanders through kitsch shops and record stores, but so much of my childhood was sitting in an otherwise empty apartment, longing for the kind of noise, clutter, permanence that comes from having a family, rather than just one overworked mother.
Julia might be a slob, but having her stuff everywhere makes the empty apartment feel a little less lonely.
I unplug her flat iron and clean up a bit, then take a shower and make some Easy Mac. While I eat, I email potential sponsors along with a few higher-profile authors we hosted back at the Richmond library to ask whether they could record videos to air as we meet our fundraising goals throughout the night. Then I check my phone calendar against the wall calendar. To my surprise, Miles has added his winery shifts in blue, and Julia (I presume) has added in scratchy red, across this Thursday:ย COMMIT MURDER.
Underneath it, I scribble as small as I can:ย Call FBI about Julia.
Then I get in bed and try to read, without any success. Then I try to watch an action movie and quickly realize itโs not fun to watch that sort of thing alone, so I take to scrolling social media, seeing college friendsโ summer pregnancy announcements, a Richmond coworkerโs recent trip to Thailand to see family, and then, without any warning, there she is, on my screen.
Petra.
And sure, thatโs jarring enough. But itโs not what makes me fling my phone across the room, pulse racing.
Itโs who posted the picture. Itโs who else isย inย it.
The tiny woman with her, arms wrapped around Petra, both of them beaming in front of decimated plates of chocolate waffles on an orange- checked tablecloth.
I only saw the image for a second, but itโs seared into my mind.
How could it not be, when Iย recognizeย the tablecloth, the waffles, and even Petraโs beaming friend?
I crawl across the bed, heart in my throat, and brace myself before flipping the phone face up again.
Cooper posted the picture. I donโt need the geotagโRICHMOND, VIRGINIAโto know where the shot was taken. Itโs our brunch spot. The one he, Sadie, Peter, and I used to go to most Saturdays.
Peter and Petra are visiting them.
I canโt breathe. My clothes feel too tight, my skin hot and itchy. I stumble to the window and my arms have gone too weak to open it on the
first try. When I finally do, thereโs no breeze to break the heat, anyway.
Itโs one thing to be replaced by an ex. Itโs another to feel like your whole life has been handed over to someone else.
I think I might be sick. I even go into the bathroom, just in case.
This is your fault, a voice whispers from the back of my mind.ย Youโre the one who built everything around him.
Moved toย hisย hometown. Let Sadieโs and my relationship get absorbed by the four of us, our weekly girlsโ nights becoming double dates, our weekend trips replaced with couplesโ vacations, our conversations unfolding in our group chat instead of on long phone calls. Iโm the one who put all my eggs in the incredibly awkward basket of willfully befriending Scott and the rest of Peterโs Waning Bay buddies instead of making my own
โnever mind how hard it is to make headway into a group whoโs mostly interested in rehashing shared memories. Moved into a house that belonged only to Peter.
Miles was right. I need to stop fixating on how much Iโve lost, and focus on building something new. I already knew my old life was over. Sitting here and simmering in it wonโt do me any good.
I close the toilet and sit atop the lid, pulling up my messages with Ashleigh.ย You said you had a hobby I could borrow?ย I type.
Every fourth Wednesday of the month. AKA tomorrow, she writes.
You in?
What is it?ย I ask.ย All you said is it isnโt โorganized exercise.โ Still true, she replies.ย Donโt show up in raggedy sweats.
Is it DISorganized exercise?ย I ask.
Thatโs certainly closer, she says.
Great, I say, and then I text Miles too. Maybe itโs a mistake, maybe itโs notย smart, but being โsmartโ hasnโt paid off well for me thus far.
Iโm in for Saturday, I tell him.
THIS IS NOTย how I pictured Ashleighโs monthly poker night.
For one thing, the man who answers the door to the bilevel five miles outside town isnโt a stranger.
Heโs a seventy-something-year-old dead ringer for Morgan Freeman, as long as you ignore the full Red Wingsโbranded sweatsuit and matching slippers, which donโt strike me as a particularly Freemanesque sartorial choice.
โAbout time you showed up!โ he greets us and steps aside to let us into his home.
โHarvey!โ I say, too stunned to move.
โSorry weโre late.โ Ashleigh tips her head toward me. โDaphneโs fault, obviously.โ
Harvey snorts. โI know Iโve got a youthful glow, but I wasnโt born yesterday. Come in, come in. Shoes off. Everyoneโs back in the breakfast nook.โ
I slip my loafers off next to Ashleighโs knee-high boots and we follow Harvey down a narrow, wood-paneled wall toward the sound of smooth jazz and the potent smell of cigar smoke. Every inch of the walls is devoted to at least three generations of family photos, ranging from recent shots of his granddaughtersโ soccer tournaments all the way back to time-faded wedding portraits of him and his late wife.
โSo how long has this poker night been going on?โ I ask.
โLiterally since I was born,โ Ashleigh says, โbut I wasnโt allowed to join until I was eighteen.โ
โYouโve known each other that long?โ I say, surprised. Theyโre friendly at work, but Iโve never once gotten the sense that they actuallyย knowย each other.
โSince she was two feet tall,โ Harvey tells me now. โSo eighth grade,โ I say, and he hacks out a laugh.
โHarvey has this whole thing about โnot showing favoritismโ at work.โ Ashleigh makes finger quotes. โHe even made the district manager do my job interview rather than just hiring me.โ
โWouldnโt you hate wondering whether youโd really deserved it or not?โ he asks.
โNot really, no,โ she says.
Harvey moves out of the hallway, so we can slide into the breakfast nook after him. โLook who decided to finally show up,โ he says, โand she brought us a new fifth!โ
โTrial basis only,โ Ashleigh says. โWeโll see if she can hold her own.
This is Daphne. Daphne, this isโโ
โLenore!โ I say, shocked anew to spot tall, gangly Lenore from the asparagus stand, tucked back in the chair closest to the roomโs bay window. And right beside her, the final participant in poker night, tiny and dark- haired: โBarb!โ
Theyโre both wearing the same visors as when I met them. Both have matching cigars hanging out of their mouths. Lenore yanks hers out from between her lips as she stands to greet me. โWhat a nice surprise!โ
Ashleigh looks between us. โYou know each other?โ
โWeโve met,โ I say, right as Barb chimes in, โSheโs our friend Milesโs new girl!โ
Small towns.
โHow do you know Miles?โ Ashleigh asks. Right as I say, โOh, weโre just friends.โ
Right as Harvey says, โWho the hell is Miles?โ and sinks into one of the cane-backed dining chairs. Itโs the first time Iโve ever heard Harvey swear. Still less shocking than the Red Wings slippers.
Lenore asks Ashleigh, โHow doย youย two know each other?โ โDaphne works with us at the library,โ Ashleigh replies. โWhoโs this Miles fellow?โ Harvey says.
โMiles is my roommate,โ I clarify, at which Lenore and Barb exchange a knowing look.
Ashleigh slings her huge purse onto the floor and drops into the chair beside Harvey, leaving me to take the one next to Barb. Harvey plucks a cigar from a small wooden box in the center of the laminate table, then slides the box toward us.
โNo, thanks,โ I say. Ashleigh pops one right out, reaching for the cigar cutter in the boxโs lid. โSo how do all ofย youย know each other?โ I ask.
Harvey starts to shuffle. โOh, we all go way back.โ
โGrace Episcopal.โ Lenore nods like,ย You understand. I donโt.
โMy mom was the priest there,โ Ashleigh explains. โMy stepmom, technically, but my dad died when I was tiny, and my mom married Adara when I was six, so she was a parent to me for basically as long as I can remember.โ
A sadness flutters through the room. Harvey sets his hand atop Ashleighโs and gives it a squeeze. โShe was a good woman.โ
โThe best.โ Lenore exhales a perfect ring of smoke toward the open bay window. โGreat poker player too.โ
Before I can askโor decide if I shouldโAshleigh says curtly, โStomach cancer. Five and a half years ago.โ
I think of my own mother and feel like my chest might crumple. โIโm so sorry. I had no idea.โ
โItโs hard.โ She cups a hand around her cigar as she lights it. โWhen we lost Adara, Mom really needed to be somewhere new, so she moved out to Sedona, where her sister lives. Mulder and I miss both of them a lot, but at least without Mom and Adara in the game undercutting me, I can finally take these geezers for all theyโre worth.โ
Lenore scoffs. โGood luck.โ
โShe taught me everything she knew,โ Ashleigh says, hands up, cigar dangling from the corner of her mouth like a Hunter S. Thompson character. โIโm the heir apparent here.โ
โWouldโve been,โ Barb replies, โif youโd been the kind of kid who listens to a damn word your elders say.โ
They ooh. They aah. They trash-talk. They keep accusing each other of putting off the inevitable, until finally we play the first round.
I quickly fold, nothing but a pair of twos in my hand. Harvey celebrates his winning royal flush by shuffling into the kitchen and coming back with a bottle of nice scotch. He pours a little for each of us and Barb puts a new record on.
โRound two,โ Lenore says, rubbing her hands together.
By the end of the night, Iโve lost forty bucks, won eleven of it back, smoked my first cigar, and promised to go to Harveyโs seventy-fifth birthday party, which isnโt until Octoberโthree and a half months from nowโbut for which planning has already commenced.
โWeโre going to rent a party bus and go down to the casino!โ Barb tells me, eyes sparkling from laughing, drinking, smoking, and soundly kicking our asses at the card table.
โAssuming I donโt kick the bucket before then,โ Harvey says.
โOh, no, weโll still rent the party bus,โ Lenore puts in. โItโll just be a funeral instead of a birthday.โ
โGoing out in style,โ Harvey says.
โShould we make sure youโre wearing your signature look?โ I ask, gesturing toward his getup. As soon as Iโve said it, I feel that familiarย oh shitย dip in my stomach, unsure whether the joke crossed an invisible line.
But Harveyโs coughing out a laugh along with a cloud of smoke. โYou can come back,โ Harvey tells me; then to Ashleigh, pointedly, โBring her back.โ Then, to me again: โJust donโt expect special treatment at work.โ
I cross my heart.
At the front door, we all exchange hugs farewell, then Ashleigh and I slip on our shoes and step out into the quiet cul-de-sac. Most of the other houses are either totally dark or have one lone bulb glowing beside their front doors, but if Ashleighโs to be believed, poker night is just getting started.
โShare a cab?โ she asks, swaying slightly on the spot as she summons one on her phone.
Neither of us is fit to drive. โFirst a hobby, then a cab,โ I say. โWhatโs next?โ
โA deadly secret,โ Ashleigh deadpans. At least I think itโs a joke.
โThat was really fun,โ I say. โI havenโt been to a party since . . .โ I think for a moment. โMy engagement party, I guess.โ
โYou thought that was a party?โ she says. โWe really do need to get you out more.โ
I shrug. โIโve always been kind of a tagalong, I guess. Only lately I havenโt had anyone to tag along after.โ
โYouโre not a tagalong,โ she says. โYouโre a we-girl.โ โLike aย wee lass?โ I ask.
โNo, like, Weย love that restaurant. Weย always vacation there. Weย donโt really like scary movies. A woman whoโs more comfortable being a part of a whole, who never goes anywhere without a partner.โ
โShit,โ I say. โYouโre right.โ
โOf course Iโm right,โ she says. โIโm wise.โ
The firstย weย was my mom and me, then it was Sadie and me, then Peter. Iโve always cleaved to the people I love, tried to orient my orbit around them. Maybe, I realize, Iโve been trying to make myself un-leave-able. But it hasnโt worked.
โI donโt want to just be a part ofย we,โ I say. โI want to be anย I.โ โYouโre already anย I. Itโs just about how much you embrace it.โ โI guess,โ I say.
Ashleigh appraises me. โYou held your own tonight.โ
โYeah, well, I have a feeling they went easy on me,โ I say.
โOh, they treated you like you were made of glass,โ she agrees, her head cocked and gaze appraising. โBut youโre not so delicate, Vincent.โ
โIโm not.โ It feels true, at least right now. Iโm not so delicate. Lonely, hurt, angry, a little bit whiny? Sure.
But not delicate.
Maybe I could handle staying here, where my life fell apart. Maybe I could start over, making something my own this time.
The cab pulls up. โAshleigh?โ I say. โHm?โ she says.
โThank you,โ I say. โReally.โ
She rolls her eyes. โWe needed a fifth.โ
I shake my head. โNot just that. For being my friend. For still giving me a chance, after the last year.โ
Her ever-blunt features soften. โYou know,โ she says, โI needed one too.โ
โIโm glad it could be me,โ I tell her.
โRight back at you.โ The cabdriver flashes his lights at us, and with our arms slung over each otherโs shoulders, we wobble down the driveway to meet him.
For reasons I donโt completely understand, I feel like I could cry.