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Chapter no 3

From Blood and Ash

As far as I knew, there had only been one person whoโ€™d been found unworthy upon Ascension. Their name had been erased from our histories, as well as any piece of information about who they were and whatever deeds had caused his or her exile. Theyโ€™d been forbidden to live among mortals, and without family, support, or protection, faced certain death. Even the villages and the farmers with their small Rises and guards suffered staggering mortality rates.

While my Ascension was different from the others, I could still be found unworthy, and I imagined my punishment would be just as grave, but I didnโ€™t have the mental capacity to deal with that.

No.

That was a lie.

I didnโ€™tย wantย to deal with that. I should, but I wasnโ€™t leaving the room. I wasnโ€™t stopping Hawke. Iโ€™d already made up my mind even if I didnโ€™t understand why he was still here, with me.

Dampening my lower lip with my tongue, I felt dizzy and even a little faint, and I never feltย faint. Those impossibly thick lashes lowered, and his gaze was so intent on my mouth that it was like a caress. I shivered.

Those eyes of his seemed even brighter than before as his finger traced the outline of my mask, all the way to where the satin ribbon disappeared under the fall of my hair. โ€œMay I remove this?โ€

Unable to speak, I shook my head no.

Hawke halted for a moment, and then the half-smile appearedโ€”no dimple this time, though. He trailed his finger away from the mask, then ran it along the line of my jaw and down my throat, to where the cloak was fastened. โ€œHow about this?โ€

I nodded.

His fingers were deft, and he brushed the cloak aside and then trailed just one fingertip along the neckline, following the rapid rise and fall of the

swell of my breast. A riot of sensations followed his finger, so many I couldnโ€™t make sense of them all.

โ€œWhat do you want from me?โ€ he asked, toying with the small bow between my breasts. โ€œTell me, and Iโ€™ll make it so.โ€

โ€œWhy?โ€ I blurted out. โ€œWhy would youโ€ฆdo this? You donโ€™t know me, and you thought I was someone else.โ€

A flicker of amusement crossed his striking features. โ€œI have nowhere to be at the moment, and Iโ€™m intrigued.โ€

My brows lifted. โ€œBecause you have nowhere to be at the moment?โ€ โ€œWould you rather I wax poetic about how Iโ€™m charmed by your

beauty, even though I can only see half your face? Which, by the way, from what I can see is pleasing. Would you rather I tell you Iโ€™m captivated by your eyes? They are a pretty shade of green from what I can tell.โ€

I started to frown. โ€œWell, no. I donโ€™t want you to lie.โ€

โ€œNone of those things were a lie.โ€ He tugged on the bow as he dipped his head, brushing his lips over mine. The soft contact sent a wave of awareness through me. โ€œI told you the truth, Princess. Iโ€™m intrigued by you, and itโ€™s fairly rare anyone intrigues me.โ€

โ€œSo?โ€

โ€œSo,โ€ he repeated with a chuckle as his lips glided along my jaw. โ€œYouโ€™ve changed my evening. Iโ€™d planned to return to my quarters. Maybe get a good, albeit boring, night of sleep, but I have a suspicion that tonight will be anything but boring if I spend it with you.โ€

I drew in a shallow breath, weirdly flattered, and yet still confused by his motivations. I wished someone was here to ask, but even if they were, that would be weirdโ€”and awkward.

The two glasses by the settee appeared in my mind. โ€œWere youโ€ฆwere you with someone before me?โ€

His head lifted and stared down at me. โ€œThatโ€™s a random question.โ€ โ€œThere are two glasses by the settee,โ€ I pointed out.

โ€œItโ€™s also a random,ย personalย question asked by someone whose name I donโ€™t even know.โ€

My cheeks warmed. He had a point.

He was quiet for so long that doubt crept in. Maybe I shouldnโ€™t care if he had been with someone else this evening, but I did, and if that told me anything, it screamed that this was a mistake. I was in over my head. I knew nothing about him, of what wasโ€”

โ€œI was with someone,โ€ he answered, and disappointment swelled. โ€œA friend who is not like the owner of the cloak. One I hadnโ€™t seen in a while. We were catching up, in private.โ€

The dismay eased, and I decided that he must be telling the truth. He didnโ€™t have to lie to have me when he could have any number of others who would be eager toย intrigueย him.

โ€œSo, Princess, will you tell me what you want from me?โ€ I took another uneven breath. โ€œAnything?โ€

โ€œAnything.โ€ He moved his hand then, cupping my breast as he ran his thumb across the center.

It was such a light touch, but I gasped as bolts of pleasure darted through me. My body reacted on its own, arching into his touch.

โ€œIโ€™m waiting,โ€ he said, swiping his thumb once more and scattering my already disjointed thoughts. โ€œTell me what you enjoy, so I can make you love it.โ€

โ€œIโ€ฆโ€ I bit down on my lip. โ€œI donโ€™t know.โ€

Hawkeโ€™s gaze flew to mine, and such a long moment passed that I began to wonder if Iโ€™d said the wrong thing. โ€œIโ€™ll tell you what I want.โ€ His thumb moved in slow, tight circles across a most sensitive part. โ€œI want you to remove your mask.โ€

โ€œIโ€ฆโ€ A sharp, pulsing thrill rippled through my body, quickly followed by my heady wonder. What I feltโ€ฆ Iโ€™d never felt anything like it before. Sharp and sweet, a different type of anguish. โ€œWhy?โ€

โ€œBecause I want to see you.โ€ โ€œYou can see me now.โ€

โ€œNo, Princess,โ€ he said, lowering his head until his lips brushed the neckline of my gown. โ€œI want to really see you when I do this without your gown between you and my mouth.โ€

Before I could ask what he meant, I felt the wet, warm glide of his tongue through the thin, silken gown. I gasped, shocked by the act and by the rush of liquid heat it brought forth, but then his gaze lifted to mine as his mouth closed over the tip of my breast. He sucked deep and long, and the gasp turned to a cry that would surely embarrass me later.

โ€œRemove your mask.โ€ His head lifted as he slid a hand over my hip. โ€œPlease.โ€

He wouldnโ€™t recognize me if I did. Hawke would never know who I was with or without the mask, butโ€ฆ

If I removed the facial covering, would he say what the Duke often did? That I was both a masterpiece and a tragedy? And when he felt the uneven slices of skin scattered along my stomach and thighs, would he jerk his hand away in horror?

My skin chilled.

I hadnโ€™t thought this through. At all.

The wonderful, exhilarating heat dimmed. Hawke wasnโ€™t an Ascended, but he was like them in appearance, nearly flawless. I had never been ashamed of the scars before. Not when they were proof of the horror Iโ€™d survived. But if heโ€”

Hawkeโ€™s hand slid down my outer right thigh to where the dress parted and stopped, right over the hilt of the dagger. โ€œWhat theโ€ฆ?โ€

Before I could even take another breath, heโ€™d unsheathed the blade, his fingers coming precariously close to one of the scars. I sat up, but he was faster, rocking backward.

The candlelight glinted off the red blade. โ€œBloodstone and wolven bone.โ€

โ€œGive that back,โ€ I demanded, scrambling to my knees.

His gaze shifted from the dagger to me. โ€œThis is a unique weapon.โ€ โ€œI know.โ€ My hair fell forward, over my shoulders.

โ€œThe kind thatโ€™s not inexpensive,โ€ he continued. โ€œWhy are you in possession of this, Princess?โ€

โ€œIt was a gift.โ€ Which was true. โ€œAnd Iโ€™m not foolish enough to come to a place like this unarmed.โ€

He stared at me for a moment and then focused on the dagger again. โ€œCarrying a weapon and having no idea how to use it doesnโ€™t make one wise.โ€

Irritation flared to life just as hotly as the desire heโ€™d elicited from me mere moments ago. โ€œWhat makes you think I donโ€™t know how to use it? Because Iโ€™m female?โ€

โ€œYou canโ€™t be surprised that I would be shocked. Learning how to use a dagger isnโ€™t exactly common for females in Solis.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re right.โ€ And he was. It wasnโ€™t socially appropriate for females to know how to wield a weapon or be able to defend themselves, something that always bothered me. If my mother had known how to defend herself, she might still be here. โ€œBut I do know how to use it.โ€

The right side of his lips curved up. โ€œNow, Iโ€™m truly intrigued.โ€

He moved unbelievably fast, thrusting the dagger blade down into the bed. I gasped, wondering what the owners of the Red Pearl would think of that, but then he pounced. He took me back down to the mattress, his weight covering me once more, and he pressed into me in a way that caused all the interesting parts to meet. His mouth lined up with mineโ€”

A fist pounded on the door, silencing whatever he was about to ask. โ€œHawke?โ€ A male voice rang out. โ€œYou in there?โ€

He stiffened above me, his warm breath against my lips as he closed his eyes.

โ€œItโ€™s Kieran.โ€ The man called out a name I didnโ€™t recognize.

โ€œAs if I didnโ€™t know that already,โ€ Hawke muttered under his breath, and a small giggle left me. His eyes opened, and that half-grin appeared.

โ€œHawke?โ€ Kieran pounded some more.

โ€œI think you should answer him,โ€ I whispered.

โ€œDammit,โ€ he cursed. Looking over his shoulder, he called out, โ€œIโ€™m thoroughly, happily busy at the moment.โ€

โ€œSorry to hear that,โ€ Kieran replied as Hawke refocused on me. Kieran knocked again. โ€œBut the interruption is unavoidable.โ€

โ€œThe only unavoidable thing I see is your soon-to-be broken hand if you pound on that door one more time,โ€ Hawke warned, and my eyes widened. โ€œWhat, Princess?โ€ His voice lowered. โ€œI told you I was really intrigued.โ€

โ€œThen I must risk a broken hand,โ€ Kieran answered.

A growl of frustration rumbled from deep within Hawkeโ€™s throat, the sound strangely animalistic. Goosebumps pimpled my skin.

โ€œTheโ€ฆenvoy has arrived,โ€ Kieran added through the door.

Shadows crept across Hawkeโ€™s face. His lips moved as if he murmured something, but the sound was too low for me to hear.

A chill chased away some of the heat. โ€œAnโ€ฆenvoy?โ€

He nodded. โ€œThe supplies weโ€™ve been waiting for,โ€ he explained. โ€œI need to go.โ€

I nodded in return, understanding that he had to leave as I reached between us, grasping the edge of the cloak.

For a long moment, Hawke didnโ€™t move, but then he shifted off me, standing. He called out to Kieran as he grabbed his tunic off the floor. I yanked the forgotten dagger out of the mattress, quickly sheathing it as he

pulled the tunic over his head and shrugged a baldric over his shoulders, securing the belt at his waist. There were two sheaths at his sides for weaponsโ€”weapons I hadnโ€™t been aware of until now.

He picked up two short swords from the chest near the door, and I thought that maybe I needed to be better aware of my surroundings the next time I barged into a room.

His blades were honed to a wicked, deadly point, intended for close- contact fighting, and each side was serrated, designed to cut through flesh and muscle.

I knew how to use them, too, but I kept that to myself.

โ€œIโ€™ll come back as soon as I can.โ€ He sheathed the swords flat to his sides. โ€œI swear.โ€

I nodded once more.

Hawke stared at me. โ€œTell me that youโ€™ll wait for me, Princess.โ€ My heart skipped over itself. โ€œI will.โ€

Turning, he walked to the door and then stopped. He faced me. โ€œI look forward to returning.โ€

I said nothing as he left the room, opening the door only wide enough for him to slip through. When the door clicked into place behind him, I let go of the breath I had been holding and looked down at the front of my gown. The area of my breast was still damp, the white material nearly transparent. My cheeks flushed hotly as I scooted off the bed and stood on surprisingly weak knees.

My gaze lifted to the door, and I closed my eyes, unsure if I was disappointed or relieved by the interruption. Truthfully, it was a mixture of both, because Iโ€™d lied to Hawke.

I wouldnโ€™t be here when he returned.

 

 

โ€œWhat did you do last night?โ€

The question snapped my attention from the biscuit I was currently devouring to the Lady in Wait who sat across from me.

Tawny Lyon was the second daughter of a successful merchant, given to the Royal Court at the age of thirteen during the Rite. Tall and lithe, with

rich brown skin and beautiful brown eyes, she was absolutely enviable. Some of the Ladies and Lords in Wait were assigned tasks outside of preparation to join the Court after Ascension, and since we were the same age, she had been assigned as my companion shortly after her Rite. Her duty ranged from keeping me company to assisting me with my bath or to dress if I required it.

Tawny was one of the few people who could make me laugh over the silliest things. Actually, she was one of the few people who were even allowed to speak to me. She was the closest thing I had to a friend, and I cared for her deeply.

I believed she cared for me too, or at the very least, liked me, but she was required to be with me unless I dismissed her for the day. If she hadnโ€™t been given the task of being my companion, we never wouldโ€™ve spoken. That fact was not a reflection upon her as a person, but because she would be like all the rest, either forbidden to socialize with me or wary of my presence.

The knowledge often sat heavy in my chest, another chunk of ice, but even though I knew our friendship was rooted in duty, I trusted her.

At least, to a certain degree.

She knew I was trained, but she didnโ€™t know the things I sometimes assisted Vikter with, and she had no knowledge of my gifts. I kept those things to myself because sharing that information would either put others or her in harmโ€™s way.

โ€œI was here.โ€ Wiping buttery crumbs from my fingers, I gestured to the rather sparse chamber. We were in the small anteroom that opened up to the bedroom. There were only two chairs by the fireplace, a wardrobe and a chest, a bed, one nightstand, and a heavy fur rug under our feet. Others had moreโ€ฆcreature comforts. Tawny had a beautiful chaise in her room and a pile of plush floor coverings, and I knew some of the other Ladies and Lords in Wait had vanities or desks, walls lined with bookshelves, and even electricity.

Over the years, those items had been stripped from my chamber for one infraction or another.

โ€œYou were not in your room,โ€ Tawny said. A simple topknot was tryingโ€”and failingโ€”to keep the mass of brown and gold curls swept back from her face. More than a few had snuck free to rest against her cheeks. โ€œI checked on you shortly after midnight, and you werenโ€™t here.โ€

My heart skipped a beat. Had something occurred where the Duke or Duchess had sent Tawny for me? If so, Tawny wouldnโ€™t be able to lie, but I imagined if that had happened, I would already know.

I would have already been summoned to the Dukeโ€™s private office. โ€œWhy were you checking on me?โ€ I asked.

โ€œI thought I heard your door opening and closing, so I decided to investigate, but no one was here.โ€ She paused. โ€œNo one. Including you.โ€

There was no way sheโ€™d heard me return. Iโ€™d used the old servantsโ€™ access, and while that door was as creaky as a bag of bones, her room was on the other side of where my bed sat. That door was one of the reasons Iโ€™d never asked to be moved to the newer, renovated parts of the stronghold. Through there, I could access nearly any part of the castle and could come and go without being seen.

It more than compensated for the lack of electricity and the constant, chilly draft that seemed to always make its way in around the windows no matter how sunny the day was.

My palms dampened as I glanced at the closed hallway door. Had someone been looking for me? Again, I would know by now, so it was likely Tawny thought sheโ€™d heard something.

Knowing Tawny as I did, I knew she wouldnโ€™t let this go if I didnโ€™t give her something. โ€œI couldnโ€™t sleep last night.โ€

โ€œNightmares?โ€

I nodded, feeling a little guilty for the sympathy that crept into her eyes.

โ€œYouโ€™ve been having a lot of them lately.โ€ She leaned back in the chair. โ€œAre you sure you donโ€™t want to try one of the sleeping drafts the Healer made for you?โ€

โ€œYes. I donโ€™t like the idea ofโ€”โ€

โ€œBeing knocked out senseless?โ€ she finished for me. โ€œItโ€™s really not that bad, Poppy. You rest very deeply, and honestly, with as little sleep as you manage, I think it would be good to at least try.โ€

The mere idea of taking something that would put me in such a deep sleep that it would take an army marching through my chamber to wake me made me sweat. I would be rendered completely helpless, and that was something I would never allow to happen.

โ€œSo, what did you do?โ€ A pause. โ€œOr should I ask, where did you go?โ€ Her eyes narrowed as I became enraptured in the fine trim of the napkin.

โ€œYou snuck out, didnโ€™t you?โ€

In that moment, Tawny proved that she knew me just as well as I knew her. โ€œI donโ€™t know why youโ€™d think that.โ€

โ€œBecause you donโ€™t have a history of doing that?โ€ She laughed when I glanced up at her. โ€œCome on, tell me what you did. Iโ€™m sure itโ€™s more exciting than what I was doing, which was listening to Mistress Cambria prattle on about how inappropriate this Lady or Lord in Wait is. I pled a viciously upset stomach just to be able to excuse myself.โ€

I giggled, knowing that Tawny wouldโ€™ve done just that. โ€œThe Mistresses are a lot to handle.โ€

โ€œThat is being too kind,โ€ she remarked.

Grinning, I picked up the cup of creamed coffee. The Mistresses were servants of the Duchess, who helped her run the household but also kept track of the Ladies in Wait. Mistress Cambria was a dragon of a woman that scared even me.

โ€œI did sneak out,โ€ I admitted. โ€œWhere did you go without me?โ€

โ€œI think you might be upset when you hear where.โ€ โ€œMost likely.โ€

I peeked up at her. โ€œThe Red Pearl.โ€

Her eyes widened to the size of the saucers scattered across the trolley between us. โ€œAre you serious?โ€

I nodded.

โ€œI canโ€™tโ€ฆโ€ She appeared to take a deep breath. โ€œHow?โ€

โ€œI borrowed one of the maidโ€™s cloaks, and I used that mask I found.โ€ โ€œYouโ€ฆyou devious little thief.โ€

โ€œI returned the cloak this morning, so I donโ€™t think you can call me a thief.โ€

โ€œWho cares if you returned it.โ€ She tipped forward. โ€œWhat was it like?โ€

โ€œInteresting,โ€ I said, and when she begged for more details, I told her what Iโ€™d seen. She was enthralled, hanging on every word I said as if I were sharing with her the actual ritual that completed the Ascension.

โ€œI canโ€™t believe you didnโ€™t take me with you.โ€ She fell back in her chair with a pout, but then sprang forward once more. โ€œDid you see anyone there you recognized? Loren claims she goes there nearly every other evening.โ€

Loren, another Lady in Wait, claimed many things. โ€œI didnโ€™t see her, butโ€ฆโ€ I trailed off, unsure if I should tell her about Hawke.

Iโ€™d left no more than ten minutes after Hawke had, relieved to find that Vikter was also nowhere to be seen. Neither was the strange woman who knew more than she should. Iโ€™d done everything in my power not to think about what had happened in that room with him.

Which meant, I failed the moment I returned to my bed. Iโ€™d lain there until exhaustion claimed me, replaying everything heโ€™d saidโ€ฆeverything heโ€™d done. Iโ€™d woken with the strangest frustration, an ache in my chest and lower belly.

โ€œBut what?โ€ she asked.

I wanted to tell her. Gods, did I ever want to share whatโ€™d happened with Hawke with someone. I had a hundred questions bursting to be let out, but last night was different. Iโ€™d crossed a big line, and while I didnโ€™t feel like I had debased myself or done anything truly wrong, I knew that my guardians wouldnโ€™t agree. Neither would the Priests and Priestesses. Going to the Red Pearl was one thing. Sharing myself in any form with another was a totally different matter. That knowledge could be a weapon.

I trusted Tawny, but as I acknowledged before, only to a certain degree.

And even though the mere thought of Hawke made my stomach tighten into dozens of little coils, it wasnโ€™t something that would ever happen again. When I saw him during the City Council sessions, he wouldnโ€™t know that it had been me heโ€™d calledย Princess. Heโ€™d have no idea that heโ€™d been my first kiss.

What weโ€™d doneโ€ฆit belonged to just me. It had to stay that way.

I exhaled slowly, ignoring the sudden scratchy lump in my throat. โ€œBut many were wearing masks. She couldโ€™ve been there, and I wouldnโ€™t have known. Anyone couldโ€™ve been.โ€

โ€œIf you ever go to the Red Pearl without me again, I will cut holes in the bottoms of your shoes,โ€ she warned, toying with the white beads dotting the neckline of her rose-colored gown.

A shocked laugh left me. โ€œWow.โ€ She giggled.

โ€œHonestly, Iโ€™m glad you didnโ€™t go with me.โ€ When she frowned, I quickly added, โ€œI really shouldnโ€™t have gone there myself.โ€

โ€œYes, going to the Red Pearl is forbidden, and Iโ€™m sure itโ€™s as forbidden as you being trained to use a dagger or a sword as a guard on the Rise.โ€

That was something I hadnโ€™t been able to hide from Tawny, and she had never shared, which was one of the reasons I knew I could trust her with most things. โ€œYes, butโ€”โ€

โ€œJust like that one time you snuck out to view a fighting ring. Or when you convinced me to bathe in the lakeโ€”โ€

โ€œThat was your idea,โ€ I corrected, and her willingness to aid me in doing forbidden things was the other reason she held almost all of my trust. โ€œAnd it was also your idea to do it without clothing.โ€

โ€œWho bathes in their clothes?โ€ she asked, widening her eyes innocently. โ€œAnd that was a mutual idea, thank you very much. I think we should do that again and soon before it gets too cold to even walk outside. But I could spend all morning listing things that youโ€™ve done that are either forbidden by the Duke and Duchess or prohibited for the Maiden to do, and up until now, nothing has happened. The gods havenโ€™t appeared and deemed you unworthy.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s true,โ€ I acknowledged as I smoothed a crease from the skirt of my gown.

โ€œOf course, it is.โ€ She plucked up a small, round powdery pastry and popped it into her mouth. Somehow, she didnโ€™t get a single dusting of sugar on her. Meanwhile, if I so much as breathed in the direction of those pastries, I ended up with a fine coating of white powder in places that made no sense. โ€œSo, when do we go back?โ€

โ€œIโ€ฆI donโ€™t think I should.โ€ โ€œYou donโ€™t want to?โ€

I opened my mouth, then closed it and tried not to fall down that rabbit hole. The problem was that I wanted to go back.

When I was lying in bed and hadnโ€™t been obsessively rewinding the time spent with Hawke, reliving the razor-edged yearning and thrill his kiss had dragged out of me, Iโ€™d wondered if he had come back like he promised, and if I had done the right thing by leaving.

Of course, in the eyes of my guardians and the gods, it had been the right thing, but had it been so for me? Should I have stayed and experienced infinitely more before there might not be any more chances?

My gaze lifted to the windows that faced the west portion of the Rise. The dark shapes of the guards patrolling the ledge were the only movement. Was Hawke out there? Why was I even wondering that?

Because there was more than just a small part of me that wished Iโ€™d stayed, and I knew it would be a long time before I stopped wondering about what wouldโ€™ve happened if Iโ€™d waited. Would he have carried out whatever Iโ€™d wanted?

I didnโ€™t even know what that wouldโ€™ve entailed. I had ideas. I had my imagination. I had other peopleโ€™s stories of their experiences, but they were not mine. They were just thin, transparent copies of the real thing.

And I knew if I returned, I would go back in hopes that heโ€™d be there.

That was why I shouldnโ€™t go back.

Looking at the open wardrobe, I saw first the white veil with its delicate gold chains, and a heaviness settled over me. I could already feel its substantial weight, even though the material was made out of the finest, lightest silk. When it was first slipped over my head at age eight, Iโ€™d panicked, but after ten years, I shouldโ€™ve grown used to it by now.

While I no longer felt like I couldnโ€™t breathe or see while wearing it, it still felt heavy.

Hanging beside it was the only color in my wardrobe, a splash of red among a sea of white. It was a ceremonial gown tailored for the upcoming Rite. The dress had arrived the morning before, and I hadnโ€™t tried it on yet. It would be the first time I was allowed to attendโ€”allowed to wear anything other than white and be seen without the veil. Of course, I would be masked, like everyone else.

The only reason I was allowed to attend this Rite when all the others had been forbidden, was because it would be the last Rite before my Ascension.

Whatever excitement I felt about the Rite was tempered by the fact that it would be the last.

Tawny rose and drifted to one of the windows. โ€œThe mist hasnโ€™t come in a while.โ€

Tawny had a habit of jumping from topic to topic, but this switch was jarring. โ€œWhat made you think of that?โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t know.โ€ She tucked back a loose curl. โ€œActually, I do. I overheard Dafina and Loren talking last night,โ€ she said. โ€œThey claimed

they heard from one of the Huntsmen that the mist has been gathering beyond the Blood Forest.โ€

โ€œI hadnโ€™t heard that.โ€ My stomach knotted as I remembered Finley, and I wished I hadnโ€™t eaten so many slices of bacon.

โ€œI probably shouldnโ€™t have brought it up.โ€ She turned from the window. โ€œItโ€™s just thatโ€ฆit has been decades since the mist even neared the capital. Itโ€™s not something weโ€™d have to worry about there.โ€

No matter where we were, the mist was something to worry about. Just because it hadnโ€™t gotten close in decades didnโ€™t mean it wouldnโ€™t, but I didnโ€™t say that.

She pushed away from the window, coming back to the table to kneel next to where I sat. โ€œCan I be honest with you for a moment?โ€

My brows rose. โ€œArenโ€™t you always?โ€ โ€œWell, yes, but thisโ€ฆis different.โ€

More than curious to know what she was thinking about, I nodded for her to go on.

Tawny drew in a deep breath. โ€œI know our lives are different, as were our pasts, and as our futures will be, but you treat the Ascension as if it may very well be your death when itโ€™s the exact opposite. Itโ€™s life. Itโ€™s a new beginning. It is a Blessingโ€”โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re starting to sound like the Duchess,โ€ I teased.

โ€œBut itโ€™s the truth.โ€ She reached over and clasped my hand. โ€œIn a few months, you wonโ€™t be dead, Poppy. Youโ€™ll be alive and no longer bound by these rules. Youโ€™ll be in the capital.โ€

โ€œIโ€™ll have been given to the gods,โ€ I corrected her.

โ€œAnd how amazing is that? You will experience something very few people do. I knowโ€ฆ I know you fear that you wonโ€™t return from them, but youโ€™re the Queenโ€™s favorite Maiden.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m her only Maiden.โ€

Her eyes rolled. โ€œYou know thatโ€™s not why.โ€ I did.

The Queen had done more for me than what was ever required of her, but that didnโ€™t change that my Ascension would be nothing like hers.

โ€œAnd when you come back, Ascended, I will be right by your side. Just think of the mischief we can make.โ€ Tawny squeezed my hand, and I saw that she truly believed that would happen.

It could.

But it wasnโ€™t a certainty. I had no idea what it truly meant to be given to the gods. Although every small detail seemed to be documented about the history of the kingdom, there were a few things that werenโ€™t written about. Iโ€™d never been able to find anything about previous Maidens, and Iโ€™d asked Priestess Analia over a hundred times what it meant to be given to the gods, and the answer was always the same.

A Maiden doesnโ€™t question the godsโ€™ plans. She has faith in them without knowledge of them.

Maybe I truly wasnโ€™t worthy of being a Maiden, because I found it hard to have faith in anything without knowledge of it.

But Tawny did. As did Vikter and Rylan, and literally everyone else I knew. Even Ian.

None of them had been given to the gods, though.

I searched Tawnyโ€™s eyes, looking for just the slightest hint of fear. โ€œYouโ€™re not afraid at all, are you?โ€

โ€œOf the Ascension?โ€ She rose, locking her fingers together in front of her. โ€œNervous? Yes. Afraid? No. Iโ€™m excited to begin a new chapter.โ€

To begin a life that was her own, where she could wake up and eat whenever she pleased, spend her days however she wanted, and with whomever she desired instead of being my perpetual shadow.

Of course, she wasnโ€™t afraid. And while I didnโ€™t feel the same, I had not once taken into consideration what it meant for her.

For the most part, Tawny was always more than willing to take part in whatever adventure I conjured up, and often suggested some herself. But if the gods were watching, especially this close to the Ascension, they could find her unworthy for taking part. That wasnโ€™t something Iโ€™d just now thought about, but it hadnโ€™t struck me with such clarity before that my attitude towards the Ascension could ruin her eagerness.

Guilt surfaced, the taste of it sour in the back of my throat. โ€œIโ€™m so selfish.โ€

Tawny blinked, bewildered. โ€œWhat makes you say that?โ€

โ€œIโ€™ve most likely tarnished your excitement with all my doom and gloom,โ€ I told her. โ€œI havenโ€™t really thought about how excited you must be.โ€

โ€œWell, when you put it that way,โ€ she said and then laughed, the sound soft and warm. โ€œHonestly, Poppy, you havenโ€™t. How you feel about the Ascension hasnโ€™t affected how I feel.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m relieved to hear that, but still, I should be more excited for you.

Thatโ€™s whatโ€ฆโ€โ€”I took a thin breathโ€”โ€œthatโ€™s what friends do.โ€

โ€œHave you been excited for me? Happy?โ€ she asked. โ€œEven though youโ€™re worried for yourself?โ€

I nodded. โ€œOf course.โ€

โ€œThen you have done what a friend does.โ€

Maybe that was true, but I promised myself I would be better, starting with no longer risking her Ascension by involving her in my escapades. I could live with the dire consequences of being found unworthy because it would be my life and my own actions that led to it, but I wouldnโ€™t do that to Tawny.

I couldnโ€™t live with that.

 

 

After I took supper in my room later that day, Vikter knocked on my door. When I looked up at his face, golden and weathered by life on the Rise and years in the sun, I didnโ€™t think about knowing where he was the night before and the subsequent awkwardness. I saw his expression and knew something had occurred.

โ€œWhatโ€™s happened?โ€ I whispered.

โ€œWeโ€™ve been summoned,โ€ he said, and my heart lurched in my chest. There were only two reasons why weโ€™d be summoned. One would be the Duke, and the other was equally terrible, but for far different reasons. โ€œThereโ€™s a cursed.โ€

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