There had been a handful of times in my life where reality felt more like a dream.
The night Iโd heard my motherโs screams and my fatherโs shouts to run was one of them. Everything had felt hazy, as if I was there but somehow disconnected from my body. My parents being slaughtered was far more serious and traumatizing than what was happening right now. Still, I was on the brink of possibly being discovered. And if Hawke told the Duke where Iโd beenโฆ
My mouth dried as a fist clenched deep in my chest.
Perhaps there was some truth to what Vikter had said about me wanting to be found unworthy. But even if that were true, I would want to be as far away from the Duke as possible if and when that occurred.
Hawke hadnโt seen my full face the night at the Red Pearl, but heโd seen enough that it could trigger recognition. At some point, he was bound to figure it out. Probably after he heard me speak. However, I hadnโt considered that moment occurring here in front of the Duke and Duchess.
โPenellaphe.โ The Dukeโs tone carried a thread of warning. I was taking too long. โWe do not have all day.โ
โGive her a moment, Dorian.โ The Duchess turned to her husband. โYou know why she hesitates. We have time.โ
I wasย notย hesitating for the reason they believedโwhy the Duke smiled with such relish. Of course, I was uncomfortable baring my face, myย scarsย in front of Hawke. Truthfully, though, that was the least of my concerns at the moment, but the Duke was probably internally screaming with twisted joy.
The man absolutely loathed me.
Dorian Teerman pretended that he didnโt, that he thought I was this miracle-born, a Chosen, just like his wife believed. But I knew better. The time spent in his otherย officeย proved exactly how he felt about me.
I wasnโt sure what it was about me that he hated, but there had to be something. As far as I knew, he was at least somewhat decent toward the Ladies and Lords in Wait. But me? He loved nothing more than discovering something that made me uncomfortable, only to then exploit it. And if I really wanted to make his day, Iโd give him something to be disappointed in, a reason to continue hisย lessons.
Face burning as if on fireโfrom anger and frustration more than embarrassmentโI reached for the clasps along the chains at the same moment Tawny rose, nearly tearing them apart as I unhooked them. The veil loosened, and before it could fall, Tawny caught the sides and helped ease the headdress off.
Cool air kissed my cheeks and the nape of my neck. I stared straight at the Duke. I wasnโt sure what he saw in my face, but his smile faded, and his eyes turned to shards of obsidian. His jaw clenched, and I knew I shouldnโt, but I couldnโt stop myselfโฆ
I smiled.
It was just a hint of a grin, one that probably wasnโt noticeable to anyone but the Duke, but he saw it. I knew he did.
I was sure Iโd pay for it later, but at that moment, I didnโt care. Someone shifted to my right, ending my epic stare-off with the Duke,
and reminding me that we werenโt the only two in the room. He wasnโt the only one looking at me.
The right side of my face was visible to Hawke, the side that the Duke often said was beautiful. The side I imagined matched my motherโs.
Drawing in a shallow breath, I turned my head until I completely faced Hawke. No side profiles. No hiding or mask that covered the two scars. My hair was secured in a braid and then wrapped in a knot, so it too provided no curtain. He saw everything that had been bared at the Red Pearl and then some. He saw the scars. I braced myself. Just like the Duke knew I would, because deep down, whether Teerman knew why or not, Hawkeโs reaction would affect me.
It would hurt more than it should. But Iโd be damned if I let it show.
Lifting my chin, I waited for the look of shock or revulsion, or even worse, pity. I expected nothing less. Beauty was highly coveted and worshipped, flawlessness even more.
Because beauty was considered godlike.
Hawkeโs golden gaze roamed my face, his stare so potent that it felt like a caress along the scars, my cheeks, and then my lips. A shiver danced across my shoulders as his eyes came back to mine. Our gazes locked. Held. The air seemed to be sucked from the room, and I felt flushed, as if Iโd been sitting out in the sun for too long.
I didnโt know what I saw as I stared back at him, but there was no shock etched into his expression, no revulsion, and especially no pity. His face wasnโt empty, exactly. There wasย somethingย there, in his eyes and in the set of his mouth, but I had no idea what it was.
But then the Duke spoke, his tone deceptively pleasant. โSheโs truly unique, isnโt she?โ
I stiffened.
โHalf of her face is a masterpiece,โ the Duke murmured, and my skin flashed cold and then hot as my stomach twisted. โThe other half a nightmare.โ
A tremor coursed down my arms, but I kept my chin high and resisted the urge to pick up something,ย anything, and throw it at the Dukeโs face.
The Duchess spoke, though saying what, I wasnโt sure. Hawkeโs gaze remained fastened on mine as he stepped forward. โBoth halves are as beautiful as the whole.โ
My lips parted on a sharp inhale. I couldnโt even look to see what the Dukeโs reaction was, though I was sure it was nothing short of cataclysmic.
Hawke placed a hand on the hilt of his broadsword and bowed slightly, his gaze never once leaving mine. โWith my sword and with my life, I vow to keep you safe, Penellaphe,โ he spoke, voice deep and smooth, reminding me of rich, decadent chocolate. โFrom this moment until the last moment, I am yours.โ
Closing my bedroom door behind me, I leaned against it and exhaled raggedly. Heโd said my name when he took his vow as my guard. Not what I was butย whoย I was, and that wasโฆ
That wasnโt the way it was supposed to be.
With my sword and with my life, I vow to keep you safe, Maiden, the Chosen. From this moment, until the last moment, I am yours.
That was how Vikter had sworn his oath, as did Hannes and then Rylan.
Had the Commander not informed Hawke of the correct words? I couldnโt imagine heโd forget. The look on the Dukeโs face once Hawke had straightened couldโve set fire to wet grass.
Tawny spun to face me, the pale blue gown she wore swishing around her feet. โHawke Flynn is your guard, Poppy.โ
โI know.โ
โPoppy!โ she repeated my name, practically shouting it. โThat!โโshe pointed to the hallโโis your guard.โ
My heart toppled over itself. โKeep your voice down.โ I peeled away from the door and took her hand, pulling her farther into the chamber. โHeโs probably standing outsideโโ
โAs your personal guard,โ she stated for the third time.
โIย know.โ Hearth thumping, I pulled her toward the window.
โAnd I know that this is going to sound terrible, but I have to say it. I canโt contain it.โ Her eyes were wide with excitement. โItโs a vast improvement.โ
โTawny,โ I replied, slipping my hand free of hers.
โI know. I recognize that it was terrible, but I had to say it.โ She pressed her hand to her chest as she glanced back to the door. โHeโs quiteโฆ exciting to look at.โ
Indeed.
โAnd heโs clearly interested in moving up in the ranks.โ
Her brows knitted as she turned back to me. โWhy would you say that?โ
I stared at her, wondering if sheโd paid any attention to what the Duke had said. โHave you ever heard of a Royal Guard that young?โ
Tawnyโs nose scrunched.
โNo. You havenโt. Thatโs what befriending the Commander of the Royal Guard will do for you,โ I pointed out, heart thumping. โI cannot believe that there was no other Royal Guard just as qualified.โ
She opened her mouth, closed it, and then her eyes narrowed. โYouโre having a very strange, unexpected reaction.โ
I crossed my arms. โI donโt know what you mean.โ
โYou donโt? Youโve watched him train in the yardโโ โI have not!โ I totally had.
Tawny cocked her head to the side. โIโve been with you on more than one occasion as you watched the guards train from the balcony, and you werenโt watching just any guard. You were watchingย him.โ
I snapped my mouth shut.
โYou seem almost angry about him being named your guard, and unless thereโs something you havenโt told me, then I have no idea why.โ
There was a lot that I hadnโt told her.
The suspicion in her gaze grew as she studied me. โWhat havenโt you told me? Has he said something to you before?โ
โWhen would I have had a chance for him to speak to me?โ I asked weakly.
โAs much as you creep around this castle, Iโm sure there is a lot you overhear that doesnโt actually require you speaking to someone,โ she pointed out and then stepped forward. Her voice lowered. โDid you overhear him say something bad?โ
I shook my head. โPoppyโฆ.โ
The last thing I wanted was for her to think Hawke had done something wrong. That was why I blurted out what I did. Or maybe it was because I had to say something. โI kissed him.โ
Her lips parted. โWhat?โ
โOr he kissed me,โ I corrected. โWell, we kissed each other. There was mutual kissโโ
โI get it!โ she shrieked and then took a visible deep breath. โWhen did this happen? How did this happen? And why am I now just hearing about this?โ
I plopped down in one of the wingback chairs by the fireplace. โIt wasโฆit was the night I went to the Red Pearl.โ
โI knew it.โ Tawny stomped her slippered foot. โI knew something else had happened. You were acting too weirdโtoo worried about being in trouble. Oh! I want to throw something at you. I canโt believe you havenโt said anything. I would be screaming this from the top of the castle.โ
โYouโd be screaming it because you could. Nothing would happen to you. But me?โ
โI know. I know. Itโs forbidden and all that.โ She hurried over to the other chair and sat, leaning toward me. โBut Iโm your friend. Youโre supposed to tell your friends these kinds of things.โ
Friend.
I wanted so very badly to believe that we wereโthat weโd be that if she werenโt bound to me. โIโm sorry I didnโt say anything. Itโs just thatโฆ Iโve done a lot of things I shouldnโt do, but thisโฆthis is different. I thought if I didnโt say anything, it would, I donโt knowโฆโ
โGo away? That the gods wouldnโt know?โ Tawny shook her head. โIf the gods know now, they knew then, Poppy.โ
โI know,โ I whispered, feeling terrible, but I couldnโt tell her why Iโd kept it to myself. I didnโt want to hurt her, and I sensed that this would. I wouldnโt need my touch to know that.
โIโll forgive you for not telling me if you tell me what happened in very, very graphic detail,โ she said.
I cracked a grin, and then I did just that. Well, almost that. As I slowly unhooked my veil and draped it across my lap, I told her how Iโd come about to be in the room with him and how he thought I was Britta. I told her how he offered to do whatever I wanted once he realized that I wasnโt her, and that heโd asked me to wait for him to return. But I didnโt tell her how heโd kissed meย elsewhere.
Tawny stared at me with more awe than even Agnes had when she realized I was the Maiden. โOh, my gods, Poppy.โ
I nodded slowly.
โI so wish youโd stayed.โ โTawny.โ I sighed.
โWhat? You canโt say you donโt wish youโd stayed. Not just a little
bit.โ
I couldnโt say that.
โI bet you wouldnโt be a Maiden any longer if you had.โ โTawny!โ
โWhat?โ She laughed. โIโm kidding, but I bet youโdย barelyย be a
Maiden. Tell me, did youโฆenjoy it? The kissing?โ
I bit down on my lip, almost wishing that I could lie. โYes. I did.โ โThen why are you so upset that heโs your guard?โ
โWhy? Your hormones must be clouding your rational thought.โ
โMy hormones are always clouding my rational thought, thank you very much.โ
I snorted. โHeโs going to recognize me. He has to once he hears me speak, right?โ
โI imagine.โ
โWhat if he goes to the Duke and tells him that I was at the Red Pearl? That Iโฆallowed him to kiss me?โ And do more, but at this point, the kissing would be bad enough. โHe has to be one of the youngest Royal Guards, if notย theย youngest. Itโs clear heโs interested in advancement, and what better way to secure that than to gain the Dukeโs favor. You know how his favorite guards or staff are treated! Theyโre practically treated better than those on the Court.โ
โI donโt think he has an interest in gainingย His Graceโsย favor,โ she argued. โHe said you were beautiful.โ
โIโm sure he was just being kind.โ
She stared at me as if Iโd admitted to snacking on dog hair. โFirst off, you are beautiful. You know thatโโ
โIโm not saying that to fish for compliments.โ
โI know, but I felt the overwhelming need to remind you of such.โ She gave me a quick, broad smile. โHe didnโt have to say anything in response to the Duke being a general ass.โ
My lips twitched.
โHe couldโve just ignored it and proceeded on to the Royal Guard oath, which, by the way, he made sound likeโฆsex.โ
โYes,โ I admitted, thinking I wouldnโt have realized that before the night in the Red Pearl. โYes, he did.โ
โI almost needed to fan myself, just so you know. But back to the more important part of this development. Do you think heโs already recognized you?โ
โI donโt know.โ I let my head fall back against the seat. โI wore a mask that night, and he didnโt remove it, but I think I would recognize someone in or out of a mask.โ
She nodded. โI would like to think that I would, and I would definitely hope that a Royal Guard would.โ
โThen that means he chose not to say anything.โ He hadnโt said anything as both Vikter and he had escorted us to my chambers. โAlthough, he might not have recognized me. It was dimly lit in that room.โ
โIf he didnโt, then I imagine he will when you speak, as you said. Itโs not like you can be completely silent every time youโre around him,โ she stated. โThat would be suspicious.โ
โObviously.โ โAnd odd.โ
โAgreed.โ I toyed with the chains on the veil. โI donโt know. Either he didnโt, or he did and chose not to say anything. Maybe heโs planning to lord it over my head or something.โ
Her brows slammed down. โYouโre an incredibly suspicious person.โ
I started to deny that but realized I couldnโt. I wisely moved along. โHe probably just didnโt recognize me.โ A weird mixture of relief and disappointment mingled with a thrill of anticipation. โYou know what?โ
โWhat?โ
โI donโt know if Iโm relieved or disappointed that he didnโt recognize me. Or if Iโm excited that he might have.โ Shaking my head, I laughed. โI just donโt know, but it doesnโt matter. Whatโฆwhat happened between us was one time only. It was just thisโฆthing. It canโt happen again.โ
โSure,โ she murmured.
โNot that Iโm even thinking heโdย wantย to do any of that again, especially now that he knows it was me. If he does.โ
โUh-huh.โ
โBut what Iโm trying to say is that itโs not a thing to even consider. What he does with the knowledge is the only thing that matters,โ I finished with a nod.
Tawny looked as if she were seconds away from clapping. โYou know what I think?โ
โIโm half afraid to hear it.โ
Her brown eyes glimmered. โThings are about to get so much more exciting around here