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Chapter no 11

From Blood and Ash

There had been a handful of times in my life where reality felt more like a dream.

The night Iโ€™d heard my motherโ€™s screams and my fatherโ€™s shouts to run was one of them. Everything had felt hazy, as if I was there but somehow disconnected from my body. My parents being slaughtered was far more serious and traumatizing than what was happening right now. Still, I was on the brink of possibly being discovered. And if Hawke told the Duke where Iโ€™d beenโ€ฆ

My mouth dried as a fist clenched deep in my chest.

Perhaps there was some truth to what Vikter had said about me wanting to be found unworthy. But even if that were true, I would want to be as far away from the Duke as possible if and when that occurred.

Hawke hadnโ€™t seen my full face the night at the Red Pearl, but heโ€™d seen enough that it could trigger recognition. At some point, he was bound to figure it out. Probably after he heard me speak. However, I hadnโ€™t considered that moment occurring here in front of the Duke and Duchess.

โ€œPenellaphe.โ€ The Dukeโ€™s tone carried a thread of warning. I was taking too long. โ€œWe do not have all day.โ€

โ€œGive her a moment, Dorian.โ€ The Duchess turned to her husband. โ€œYou know why she hesitates. We have time.โ€

I wasย notย hesitating for the reason they believedโ€”why the Duke smiled with such relish. Of course, I was uncomfortable baring my face, myย scarsย in front of Hawke. Truthfully, though, that was the least of my concerns at the moment, but the Duke was probably internally screaming with twisted joy.

The man absolutely loathed me.

Dorian Teerman pretended that he didnโ€™t, that he thought I was this miracle-born, a Chosen, just like his wife believed. But I knew better. The time spent in his otherย officeย proved exactly how he felt about me.

I wasnโ€™t sure what it was about me that he hated, but there had to be something. As far as I knew, he was at least somewhat decent toward the Ladies and Lords in Wait. But me? He loved nothing more than discovering something that made me uncomfortable, only to then exploit it. And if I really wanted to make his day, Iโ€™d give him something to be disappointed in, a reason to continue hisย lessons.

Face burning as if on fireโ€”from anger and frustration more than embarrassmentโ€”I reached for the clasps along the chains at the same moment Tawny rose, nearly tearing them apart as I unhooked them. The veil loosened, and before it could fall, Tawny caught the sides and helped ease the headdress off.

Cool air kissed my cheeks and the nape of my neck. I stared straight at the Duke. I wasnโ€™t sure what he saw in my face, but his smile faded, and his eyes turned to shards of obsidian. His jaw clenched, and I knew I shouldnโ€™t, but I couldnโ€™t stop myselfโ€ฆ

I smiled.

It was just a hint of a grin, one that probably wasnโ€™t noticeable to anyone but the Duke, but he saw it. I knew he did.

I was sure Iโ€™d pay for it later, but at that moment, I didnโ€™t care. Someone shifted to my right, ending my epic stare-off with the Duke,

and reminding me that we werenโ€™t the only two in the room. He wasnโ€™t the only one looking at me.

The right side of my face was visible to Hawke, the side that the Duke often said was beautiful. The side I imagined matched my motherโ€™s.

Drawing in a shallow breath, I turned my head until I completely faced Hawke. No side profiles. No hiding or mask that covered the two scars. My hair was secured in a braid and then wrapped in a knot, so it too provided no curtain. He saw everything that had been bared at the Red Pearl and then some. He saw the scars. I braced myself. Just like the Duke knew I would, because deep down, whether Teerman knew why or not, Hawkeโ€™s reaction would affect me.

It would hurt more than it should. But Iโ€™d be damned if I let it show.

Lifting my chin, I waited for the look of shock or revulsion, or even worse, pity. I expected nothing less. Beauty was highly coveted and worshipped, flawlessness even more.

Because beauty was considered godlike.

Hawkeโ€™s golden gaze roamed my face, his stare so potent that it felt like a caress along the scars, my cheeks, and then my lips. A shiver danced across my shoulders as his eyes came back to mine. Our gazes locked. Held. The air seemed to be sucked from the room, and I felt flushed, as if Iโ€™d been sitting out in the sun for too long.

I didnโ€™t know what I saw as I stared back at him, but there was no shock etched into his expression, no revulsion, and especially no pity. His face wasnโ€™t empty, exactly. There wasย somethingย there, in his eyes and in the set of his mouth, but I had no idea what it was.

But then the Duke spoke, his tone deceptively pleasant. โ€œSheโ€™s truly unique, isnโ€™t she?โ€

I stiffened.

โ€œHalf of her face is a masterpiece,โ€ the Duke murmured, and my skin flashed cold and then hot as my stomach twisted. โ€œThe other half a nightmare.โ€

A tremor coursed down my arms, but I kept my chin high and resisted the urge to pick up something,ย anything, and throw it at the Dukeโ€™s face.

The Duchess spoke, though saying what, I wasnโ€™t sure. Hawkeโ€™s gaze remained fastened on mine as he stepped forward. โ€œBoth halves are as beautiful as the whole.โ€

My lips parted on a sharp inhale. I couldnโ€™t even look to see what the Dukeโ€™s reaction was, though I was sure it was nothing short of cataclysmic.

Hawke placed a hand on the hilt of his broadsword and bowed slightly, his gaze never once leaving mine. โ€œWith my sword and with my life, I vow to keep you safe, Penellaphe,โ€ he spoke, voice deep and smooth, reminding me of rich, decadent chocolate. โ€œFrom this moment until the last moment, I am yours.โ€

 

 

Closing my bedroom door behind me, I leaned against it and exhaled raggedly. Heโ€™d said my name when he took his vow as my guard. Not what I was butย whoย I was, and that wasโ€ฆ

That wasnโ€™t the way it was supposed to be.

With my sword and with my life, I vow to keep you safe, Maiden, the Chosen. From this moment, until the last moment, I am yours.

That was how Vikter had sworn his oath, as did Hannes and then Rylan.

Had the Commander not informed Hawke of the correct words? I couldnโ€™t imagine heโ€™d forget. The look on the Dukeโ€™s face once Hawke had straightened couldโ€™ve set fire to wet grass.

Tawny spun to face me, the pale blue gown she wore swishing around her feet. โ€œHawke Flynn is your guard, Poppy.โ€

โ€œI know.โ€

โ€œPoppy!โ€ she repeated my name, practically shouting it. โ€œThat!โ€โ€”she pointed to the hallโ€”โ€œis your guard.โ€

My heart toppled over itself. โ€œKeep your voice down.โ€ I peeled away from the door and took her hand, pulling her farther into the chamber. โ€œHeโ€™s probably standing outsideโ€”โ€

โ€œAs your personal guard,โ€ she stated for the third time.

โ€œIย know.โ€ Hearth thumping, I pulled her toward the window.

โ€œAnd I know that this is going to sound terrible, but I have to say it. I canโ€™t contain it.โ€ Her eyes were wide with excitement. โ€œItโ€™s a vast improvement.โ€

โ€œTawny,โ€ I replied, slipping my hand free of hers.

โ€œI know. I recognize that it was terrible, but I had to say it.โ€ She pressed her hand to her chest as she glanced back to the door. โ€œHeโ€™s quiteโ€ฆ exciting to look at.โ€

Indeed.

โ€œAnd heโ€™s clearly interested in moving up in the ranks.โ€

Her brows knitted as she turned back to me. โ€œWhy would you say that?โ€

I stared at her, wondering if sheโ€™d paid any attention to what the Duke had said. โ€œHave you ever heard of a Royal Guard that young?โ€

Tawnyโ€™s nose scrunched.

โ€œNo. You havenโ€™t. Thatโ€™s what befriending the Commander of the Royal Guard will do for you,โ€ I pointed out, heart thumping. โ€œI cannot believe that there was no other Royal Guard just as qualified.โ€

She opened her mouth, closed it, and then her eyes narrowed. โ€œYouโ€™re having a very strange, unexpected reaction.โ€

I crossed my arms. โ€œI donโ€™t know what you mean.โ€

โ€œYou donโ€™t? Youโ€™ve watched him train in the yardโ€”โ€ โ€œI have not!โ€ I totally had.

Tawny cocked her head to the side. โ€œIโ€™ve been with you on more than one occasion as you watched the guards train from the balcony, and you werenโ€™t watching just any guard. You were watchingย him.โ€

I snapped my mouth shut.

โ€œYou seem almost angry about him being named your guard, and unless thereโ€™s something you havenโ€™t told me, then I have no idea why.โ€

There was a lot that I hadnโ€™t told her.

The suspicion in her gaze grew as she studied me. โ€œWhat havenโ€™t you told me? Has he said something to you before?โ€

โ€œWhen would I have had a chance for him to speak to me?โ€ I asked weakly.

โ€œAs much as you creep around this castle, Iโ€™m sure there is a lot you overhear that doesnโ€™t actually require you speaking to someone,โ€ she pointed out and then stepped forward. Her voice lowered. โ€œDid you overhear him say something bad?โ€

I shook my head. โ€œPoppyโ€ฆ.โ€

The last thing I wanted was for her to think Hawke had done something wrong. That was why I blurted out what I did. Or maybe it was because I had to say something. โ€œI kissed him.โ€

Her lips parted. โ€œWhat?โ€

โ€œOr he kissed me,โ€ I corrected. โ€œWell, we kissed each other. There was mutual kissโ€”โ€

โ€œI get it!โ€ she shrieked and then took a visible deep breath. โ€œWhen did this happen? How did this happen? And why am I now just hearing about this?โ€

I plopped down in one of the wingback chairs by the fireplace. โ€œIt wasโ€ฆit was the night I went to the Red Pearl.โ€

โ€œI knew it.โ€ Tawny stomped her slippered foot. โ€œI knew something else had happened. You were acting too weirdโ€”too worried about being in trouble. Oh! I want to throw something at you. I canโ€™t believe you havenโ€™t said anything. I would be screaming this from the top of the castle.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™d be screaming it because you could. Nothing would happen to you. But me?โ€

โ€œI know. I know. Itโ€™s forbidden and all that.โ€ She hurried over to the other chair and sat, leaning toward me. โ€œBut Iโ€™m your friend. Youโ€™re supposed to tell your friends these kinds of things.โ€

Friend.

I wanted so very badly to believe that we wereโ€”that weโ€™d be that if she werenโ€™t bound to me. โ€œIโ€™m sorry I didnโ€™t say anything. Itโ€™s just thatโ€ฆ Iโ€™ve done a lot of things I shouldnโ€™t do, but thisโ€ฆthis is different. I thought if I didnโ€™t say anything, it would, I donโ€™t knowโ€ฆโ€

โ€œGo away? That the gods wouldnโ€™t know?โ€ Tawny shook her head. โ€œIf the gods know now, they knew then, Poppy.โ€

โ€œI know,โ€ I whispered, feeling terrible, but I couldnโ€™t tell her why Iโ€™d kept it to myself. I didnโ€™t want to hurt her, and I sensed that this would. I wouldnโ€™t need my touch to know that.

โ€œIโ€™ll forgive you for not telling me if you tell me what happened in very, very graphic detail,โ€ she said.

I cracked a grin, and then I did just that. Well, almost that. As I slowly unhooked my veil and draped it across my lap, I told her how Iโ€™d come about to be in the room with him and how he thought I was Britta. I told her how he offered to do whatever I wanted once he realized that I wasnโ€™t her, and that heโ€™d asked me to wait for him to return. But I didnโ€™t tell her how heโ€™d kissed meย elsewhere.

Tawny stared at me with more awe than even Agnes had when she realized I was the Maiden. โ€œOh, my gods, Poppy.โ€

I nodded slowly.

โ€œI so wish youโ€™d stayed.โ€ โ€œTawny.โ€ I sighed.

โ€œWhat? You canโ€™t say you donโ€™t wish youโ€™d stayed. Not just a little

bit.โ€

I couldnโ€™t say that.

โ€œI bet you wouldnโ€™t be a Maiden any longer if you had.โ€ โ€œTawny!โ€

โ€œWhat?โ€ She laughed. โ€œIโ€™m kidding, but I bet youโ€™dย barelyย be a

Maiden. Tell me, did youโ€ฆenjoy it? The kissing?โ€

I bit down on my lip, almost wishing that I could lie. โ€œYes. I did.โ€ โ€œThen why are you so upset that heโ€™s your guard?โ€

โ€œWhy? Your hormones must be clouding your rational thought.โ€

โ€œMy hormones are always clouding my rational thought, thank you very much.โ€

I snorted. โ€œHeโ€™s going to recognize me. He has to once he hears me speak, right?โ€

โ€œI imagine.โ€

โ€œWhat if he goes to the Duke and tells him that I was at the Red Pearl? That Iโ€ฆallowed him to kiss me?โ€ And do more, but at this point, the kissing would be bad enough. โ€œHe has to be one of the youngest Royal Guards, if notย theย youngest. Itโ€™s clear heโ€™s interested in advancement, and what better way to secure that than to gain the Dukeโ€™s favor. You know how his favorite guards or staff are treated! Theyโ€™re practically treated better than those on the Court.โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t think he has an interest in gainingย His Graceโ€™sย favor,โ€ she argued. โ€œHe said you were beautiful.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m sure he was just being kind.โ€

She stared at me as if Iโ€™d admitted to snacking on dog hair. โ€œFirst off, you are beautiful. You know thatโ€”โ€

โ€œIโ€™m not saying that to fish for compliments.โ€

โ€œI know, but I felt the overwhelming need to remind you of such.โ€ She gave me a quick, broad smile. โ€œHe didnโ€™t have to say anything in response to the Duke being a general ass.โ€

My lips twitched.

โ€œHe couldโ€™ve just ignored it and proceeded on to the Royal Guard oath, which, by the way, he made sound likeโ€ฆsex.โ€

โ€œYes,โ€ I admitted, thinking I wouldnโ€™t have realized that before the night in the Red Pearl. โ€œYes, he did.โ€

โ€œI almost needed to fan myself, just so you know. But back to the more important part of this development. Do you think heโ€™s already recognized you?โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t know.โ€ I let my head fall back against the seat. โ€œI wore a mask that night, and he didnโ€™t remove it, but I think I would recognize someone in or out of a mask.โ€

She nodded. โ€œI would like to think that I would, and I would definitely hope that a Royal Guard would.โ€

โ€œThen that means he chose not to say anything.โ€ He hadnโ€™t said anything as both Vikter and he had escorted us to my chambers. โ€œAlthough, he might not have recognized me. It was dimly lit in that room.โ€

โ€œIf he didnโ€™t, then I imagine he will when you speak, as you said. Itโ€™s not like you can be completely silent every time youโ€™re around him,โ€ she stated. โ€œThat would be suspicious.โ€

โ€œObviously.โ€ โ€œAnd odd.โ€

โ€œAgreed.โ€ I toyed with the chains on the veil. โ€œI donโ€™t know. Either he didnโ€™t, or he did and chose not to say anything. Maybe heโ€™s planning to lord it over my head or something.โ€

Her brows slammed down. โ€œYouโ€™re an incredibly suspicious person.โ€

I started to deny that but realized I couldnโ€™t. I wisely moved along. โ€œHe probably just didnโ€™t recognize me.โ€ A weird mixture of relief and disappointment mingled with a thrill of anticipation. โ€œYou know what?โ€

โ€œWhat?โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t know if Iโ€™m relieved or disappointed that he didnโ€™t recognize me. Or if Iโ€™m excited that he might have.โ€ Shaking my head, I laughed. โ€œI just donโ€™t know, but it doesnโ€™t matter. Whatโ€ฆwhat happened between us was one time only. It was just thisโ€ฆthing. It canโ€™t happen again.โ€

โ€œSure,โ€ she murmured.

โ€œNot that Iโ€™m even thinking heโ€™dย wantย to do any of that again, especially now that he knows it was me. If he does.โ€

โ€œUh-huh.โ€

โ€œBut what Iโ€™m trying to say is that itโ€™s not a thing to even consider. What he does with the knowledge is the only thing that matters,โ€ I finished with a nod.

Tawny looked as if she were seconds away from clapping. โ€œYou know what I think?โ€

โ€œIโ€™m half afraid to hear it.โ€

Her brown eyes glimmered. โ€œThings are about to get so much more exciting around here

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