PROGRESS REPORT 15

July 12—Nemur, Strauss, Burt, and a few of the others on the project were waiting for me in the psych office. They tried to make me feel welcome but I could see how anxious Burt was to take Algernon, and I turned him over. No one said anything, but I knew that Nemur would not soon forgive me for going over his head and getting in touch with the Foundation. But it had been necessary. Before I returned to Beekman, I had to be assured they would permit me to begin an independent study of the project. Too much

time would be wasted if I had to account to Nemur for everything I did.

He had been informed of the Foundation’s decision, and my reception was a cold and formal one. He held out his hand, but there was no smile on his face. “Charlie,” he said, “we’re all glad you’re back and going to work with us. Jayson called and told me the Foundation was putting you to work on the project. This staff and the lab are at your disposal. The computer center has assured us that your work will have priority—and of course if I can help in any way…”

He was doing his utmost to be cordial, but I could see by his face that he was skeptical. After all, what experience did I have with experimental psychology? What did I know about the techniques that he had spent so many years developing? Well, as I say, he appeared cordial, and willing to suspend judgment. There isn’t much else he can do now. If I don’t come up with an explanation for Algernon’s behavior, all of his work goes down the drain, but if I solve the problem I bring in the whole crew with me.

I went into the lab where Burt was watching Algernon in one of the multiple problem boxes. He sighed and shook his head. “He’s forgotten a lot. Most of his complex responses seem to have been wiped out. He’s solving problems on a much more primitive level than I would have expected.”

“In what way?” I asked.

“Well, in the past he was able to figure out simple patterns—in that blind-door run, for example: every other door, every third door, red doors only, or the green doors only—but now he’s been through that run three times and he’s still using trial and error.”

“Could it be because he was away from the lab for so long?”

“Could be. We’ll let him get used to things again and see how he works out tomorrow.”

I had been in the lab many times before this, but now I was here to learn everything it had to offer. I had to absorb procedures in a few days that the others had taken years to learn. Burt and I spent four hours going through the lab section by section, as I tried to familiarize myself with the total picture. When we were all through I noticed one door we had not looked into.

“What’s in there?”

“The freeze and the incinerator.” He pushed open the heavy door and turned on the light. “We freeze our specimens before we dispose of them in the incinerator. It helps cut down the odors if we control decomposition.” He turned to leave, but I stood there for a moment.

“Not Algernon,” I said. “Look … if and … when … I mean I don’t want him dumped in there. Give him to me. I’ll take care of him myself.” He didn’t laugh. He just nodded. Nemur had told him that from now on I could have anything I wanted.

Time was the barrier. If I was going to find out the answers for myself I had to get to work immediately. I got lists of books from Burt, and notes from Strauss and Nemur. Then, on the way out, I got a strange notion.

“Tell me,” I asked Nemur, “I just got a look at your incinerator for disposing of experimental animals. What plans have been made for me?”

My question stunned him. “What do you mean?”

“I’m sure that from the beginning you planned for all exigencies. So what happens to me?”

When he was silent I insisted: “I have a right to know everything that pertains to the experiment, and that includes my future.”

“No reason why you shouldn’t know.” He paused and lit an already lit cigarette. “You understand, of course, that from the beginning we had the highest hopes of permanence, and we still do … we definitely do—”

“I’m sure of that,” I said.

“Of course, taking you on in this experiment was a serious responsibility. I don’t know how much you remember or how much you’ve pieced together about things in the beginning of the project, but we tried to make it clear to you that there was a strong chance it might be only temporary.”

“I had that written down in my progress reports, at the time,” I agreed, “though I didn’t understand at the time what you meant by it. But that’s beside the point because I’m aware of it now.”

“Well, we decided to risk it with you,” he went on, “because we felt there was very little chance of doing you any serious harm, and we were sure there was a great chance of doing you some good.”

“You don’t have to justify that.”

“But you realize we had to get permission from someone in your immediate family. You were incompetent to agree to this yourself.”

“I know all about that. You’re talking about my sister, Norma. I read about it in the papers. From what I remember of her, I imagine she’d have given you approval for my execution.”

He raised his eyebrows, but let it pass. “Well, as we told her, in the event that the experiment failed, we couldn’t send you back to the bakery or to that room where you came from.”

“Why not?”

“For one thing, you might not be the same. Surgery and injections of hormones might have had effects not immediately evident. Experiences since the operation might have left their mark on you. I mean, possibly emotional disturbances to complicate the retardation; you couldn’t possibly be the same kind of person—”

“That’s great. As if one cross weren’t enough to bear.”

“And for another thing there’s no way of knowing if you would go back to the same mental level. There might be regression to an even more primitive level of functioning.”

He was letting me have the worst of it—getting the weight off his mind. “I might as well know everything,” I said, “while I’m still in a position to have some say about it. What plans have you made for me?”

He shrugged. “The Foundation has arranged to send you to the Warren State Home and Training School.”

“What the hell!”

“Part of the agreement with your sister was that all the home’s fees would be assumed by the Foundation, and you would receive a regular monthly income to be used for your personal needs for the rest of your life.” “But why there? I was always able to manage on my own on the outside, even when they committed me there, after Uncle Herman died.

Donner was able to get me out right away, to work and live on the outside. Why do I have to go back?”

“If you can take care of yourself on the outside, you won’t have to stay in Warren. The less severe cases are permitted to live off the grounds. But we had to make provision for you—just in case.”

He was right. There was nothing for me to complain about. They had thought of everything. Warren was the logical place—the deep freeze where I could be put away for the rest of my days.

“At least it’s not the incinerator,” I said. “What?”

“Never mind. A private joke.” Then I thought of something. “Tell me, is it possible to visit Warren, I mean go through the place and look it over as a visitor?”

“Yes, I think they have people coming down all the time—regular tours through the home as a kind of public relations thing. But why?”

“Because I want to see. I’ve got to know what’s going to happen while I’m still enough in control to be able to do something about it. See if you can arrange it—as soon as possible.”

I could see he was upset about the idea of my visiting Warren. As if I were ordering my coffin, to sit in before I died. But then, I can’t blame him because he doesn’t realize that finding out who I really am—the meaning of my total existence involves knowing the possibilities of my future as well as my past, where I’m going as well as where I’ve been. Although we know the end of the maze holds death (and it is something I have not always known—not long ago the adolescent in me thought death could happen only to other people), I see now that the path I choose through that maze makes me what I am. I am not only a thing, but also a way of being—one of many ways—and knowing the paths I have followed and the ones left to take will help me understand what I am becoming.

That evening and for the next few days I immersed myself in psychology texts: clinical, personality, psycho-metrics, learning, experimental psychology, animal psychology, physiological psychology, behaviorist, gestalt, analytical, functional, dynamic, organismic, and all the rest of the ancient and modern factions, schools, and systems of thought. The depressing thing is that so many of the ideas on which our psychologists base their beliefs about human intelligence, memory, and learning are all wishful thinking.

Fay wants to come down and visit the lab, but I’ve told her not to. All I need now is for Alice and Fay to run into each other. I’ve enough to worry about without that.

---

PROGRESS REPORT 16

July 14—It was a bad day to go out to Warren—gray and drizzly—and that may account for the depression that grips me when I think about it. Or

perhaps I’m kidding myself and it was the idea of possibly being sent there that bothered me. I borrowed Burt’s car. Alice wanted to come along, but I had to see it alone. I didn’t tell Fay I was going.

It was an hour-and-a-half drive out to the farmland community of Warren, Long Island, and I had no trouble finding the place: a sprawling gray estate revealed to the world only by an entrance of two concrete pillars flanking a narrow side-road and a well-polished brass plate with the name Warren State Home and Training School.

The roadside sign said 15 MPH, so I drove slowly past the blocks of buildings looking for the administrative offices.

A tractor came across the meadow in my direction, and in addition to the man at the wheel there were two others hanging on the rear. I stuck out my head and called: “Can you tell me where Mr. Winslow’s office is?”

The driver stopped the tractor and pointed to the left and ahead. “Main Hospital. Turn left and bear to your right.”

I couldn’t help noticing the staring young man riding at the rear of the tractor, hanging on to a handrail. He was unshaven, and there was the trace of an empty smile. He had on a sailor’s hat with the brim pulled down childishly to shield his eyes, although there was no sun out. I caught his glance for a moment—his eyes wide, inquiring—but I had to look away. When the tractor started forward again, I could see in the rear view mirror that he was looking after me, curiously. It upset me … because he reminded me of Charlie.

I was startled to find the head psychologist so young, a tall, lean man with a tired look on his face. But his steady blue eyes suggested a strength behind the youthful expression.

He drove me around the grounds in his own car, and pointed out the recreation hall, hospital, school, administrative offices, and the two-story brick buildings he called cottages where the patients lived.

“I didn’t notice a fence around Warren,” I said.

“No, only a gate at the entrance and hedges to keep out curiosity seekers.”

“But how do you keep … them … from wandering off … from leaving the grounds?”

He shrugged and smiled. “We can’t, really. Some of them do wander off, but most of them return.”

“Don’t you go after them?”

He looked at me as if trying to guess what was behind my question. “No. If they get into trouble, we soon know about it from the people in town—or the police bring them back.”

“And if not?”

“If we don’t hear about them, or from them, we assume they’ve made some satisfactory adjustment on the outside. You’ve got to understand, Mr. Gordon, this isn’t a prison. We are required by the state to make all reasonable efforts to get our patients back, but we’re not equipped to closely supervise four thousand people at all times. The ones who manage to leave are all high-moron types—not that we’re getting many of those any more. Now we get more of the brain-damaged cases who require constant custodial care—but the high-morons can move around more freely, and after a week or so on the outside most of them come back when they find there’s nothing for them out there. The world doesn’t want them and they soon know it.”

We got out of the car and walked over to one of the cottages. Inside, the walls were white tile, and the building had a disinfectant smell to it. The first-floor lobby opened up to a recreation room filled with some seventy- five boys sitting around waiting for the lunch bell to be sounded. What caught my eye immediately was one of the bigger boys on a chair in the corner, cradling one of the other boys—fourteen or fifteen years old— cuddling him in his arms. They all turned to look as we entered, and some of the bolder ones came over and stared at me.

“Don’t mind them,” he said, seeing my expression. “They won’t hurt you.”

The woman in charge of the floor, a large-boned, handsome woman, with rolled up shirt sleeves and a denim apron over her starched white skirt, came up to us. At her belt was a ring of keys that jangled as she moved, and only when she turned did I see that the left side of her face was covered by a large, wine-colored birthmark.

“Didn’t expect any company today, Ray,” she said. “You usually bring your visitors on Thursdays.”

“This is Mr. Gordon, Thelma, from Beekman University. He just wants to look around and get an idea of the work we’re doing here. I knew it wouldn’t make any difference with you, Thelma. Any day is all right with you.”

“Yeah,” she laughed strongly, “but Wednesday we turn the mattresses.

It smells a lot better here on Thursday.”

I noticed that she kept to my left so that the blotch on her face was hidden. She took me through the dormitory, the laundry, the supply rooms, and the dining hall—now set and waiting for the food to be delivered from the central commissary. She smiled as she talked, and her expression and the hair piled in a bun high on her head made her look like a Lautrec dancer but she never looked straight at me. I wondered what it would be like living here with her to watch over me.

“They’re pretty good here in this building,” she said. “But you know what it is. Three hundred boys—seventy-five on a floor—and only five of us to look after them. It’s not easy to keep them under control. But it’s a lot better than the untidy cottages. The staff there doesn’t last very long. With babies you don’t mind so much, but when they get to be adults and still can’t care for themselves, it can be a nasty mess.”

“You seem to be a very nice person,” I said. “The boys are fortunate to have you as their house-supervisor.”

She laughed heartily still looking straight ahead, and showed her white teeth. “No better or worse than the rest. I’m very fond of my boys. It’s not easy work, but it’s rewarding when you think how much they need you.” The smile left her for a moment. “Normal kids grow up too soon, stop needing you … go off on their own … forget who loved them and took care of them. But these children need all you can give—all of their lives.” She laughed again, embarrassed at her seriousness. “It’s hard work here, but worth it.”

Back downstairs, where Winslow was waiting for us, the dinner bell sounded, and the boys filed into the dining room. I noticed that the big boy who had held the smaller one in his lap was now leading him to the table by the hand.

“Quite a thing,” I said, nodding in that direction.

Winslow nodded too. “Jerry’s the big one, and that’s Dusty. We see that sort of thing often here. When there’s no one else who has time for them,

sometimes they know enough to seek human contact and affection from each other.”

As we passed one of the other cottages on our way to the school, I heard a shriek followed by a wailing, picked up and echoed by two or three other voices. There were bars on the windows.

Winslow looked uncomfortable for the first time that morning. “Special security cottage,” he explained. “Emotionally disturbed retardates. When there’s a chance they’ll harm themselves or others, we put them in Cottage K. Locked up at all times.”

“Emotionally disturbed patients here? Don’t they belong in psychiatric hospitals?”

“Oh, sure,” he said, “but it’s a difficult thing to control. Some, the borderline emotionally disturbed, don’t break down until after they’ve been here for a while. Others were committed by the courts, and we had no choice but to admit them even though there’s really no room for them. The real problem is that there’s no room for anyone anywhere. Do you know how long our own waiting list is? Fourteen hundred. And we may have room for twenty-five or thirty of them by the end of the year.”

“Where are those fourteen hundred now?”

“Home. On the outside, waiting for an opening here or in some other institution. You see, our space problem is not like the usual hospital overcrowding. Our patients usually come here to stay for the rest of their lives.”

As we arrived at the new school building, a one-story glass-and- concrete structure with large picture windows, I tried to imagine what it would be like walking through these corridors as a patient. I visualized myself in the middle of a line of men and boys waiting to enter a classroom. Perhaps I’d be one of those pushing another boy in a wheelchair, or guiding someone else by the hand, or cuddling a smaller boy in my arms.

In one of the woodworking classrooms, where a group of older boys were making benches under a teacher’s supervision, they clustered around us, eyeing me curiously. The teacher put down the saw and came towards us.

“This is Mr. Gordon from Beekman University,” said Winslow. “Wants to look over some of our patients. He’s thinking of buying the place.”

The teacher laughed and waved at his pupils. “Well, if he b-buys it, he’s g-got to t-take us with it. And he’s g-got to get us some more w-wood to w-work with.”

As he showed me around the shop, I noticed how strangely quiet the boys were. They went on with their work of sanding or varnishing the newly finished benches, but they didn’t talk.

“These are my’s-silent b-boys, you know,” he said, as if he sensed my unspoken question. “D-deaf m-mutes.”

“We have a hundred and six of them here,” explained Winslow, “as a special study sponsored by the federal government.”

What an incredible thing! How much less they had than other human beings. Mentally retarded, deaf, mute—and still eagerly sanding benches.

One of the boys who had been tightening a block of wood in a vise, stopped what he was doing, tapped Winslow on the arm, and pointed to the corner where a number of finished objects were drying on display shelves. The boy pointed to a lamp base on the second shelf, and then to himself. It was a poor job, unsteady, the patches of wood-filler showing through, and the varnish heavy and uneven. Winslow and the teacher praised it enthusiastically, and the boy smiled proudly and looked at me, waiting for my praise too.

“Yes,” I nodded, mouthing the words exaggeratedly, “very good … very nice.” I said it because he needed it, but I felt hollow. The boy smiled at me, and when we turned to leave he came over and touched my arm as a way of saying good-bye. It choked me up, and I had a great deal of difficulty controlling my emotions until we were out in the corridor again.

The principal of the school was a short, plump, motherly lady who sat me down in front of a neatly lettered chart, showing the various types of patients, the number of faculty assigned to each category, and the subjects they studied.

“Of course,” she explained, “we don’t get many of the upper I.Q.’s any more. They’re taken care of—the sixty and seventy I.Q.’s—more and more in the city schools in special classes, or else there are community facilities for caring for them. Most of the ones we get are able to live out, in foster

homes, boarding houses, and do simple work on the farms or in a menial capacity in factories or laundries—”

“Or bakeries,” I suggested.

She frowned. “Yes, I guess they might be able to do that. Now, we also classify our children (I call them all children, no matter what their ages are, they’re all children here), we classify them as tidy or untidy. It makes the administration of their cottages a lot easier if they can be kept with their own levels. Some of the untidies are severely brain-damaged cases, kept in cribs, and they will be cared for that way for the rest of their lives…”

“Or until science finds a way to help them.”

“Oh,” she smiled, explaining to me carefully, “I’m afraid these are beyond help.”

“No one is beyond help.”

She peered at me, uncertainly now. “Yes, yes, of course, you’re right.

We must have hope.”

I made her nervous. I smiled to myself at the thought of how it would be if they brought me back here as one of her children. Would I be tidy or not?

Back at Winslow’s office, we had coffee as he talked about his work. “It’s a good place,” he said. “We have no psychiatrists on our staff—only an outside consulting man who comes in once every two weeks. But it’s just as well. Every one of the psych staff is dedicated to his work. I could have hired a psychiatrist, but at the price I’d have to pay I’m able to hire two psychologists—men who aren’t afraid to give away a part of themselves to these people.”

“What do you mean by ‘a part of themselves’?”

He studied me for a moment, and then through the tiredness flashed an anger. “There are a lot of people who will give money or materials, but very few who will give time and affection. That’s what I mean.” His voice grew harsh, and he pointed to an empty baby bottle on the bookshelf across the room.

“You see that bottle?”

I told him I had wondered about it when we came into his office.

“Well, how many people do you know who are prepared to take a grown man into his arms and let him nurse with the bottle? And take the chance of having the patient urinate or defecate all over him? You look

surprised. You can’t understand it, can you, from way up there in your research ivory tower? What do you know about being shut out from every human experience as our patients have been?”

I couldn’t restrain a smile, and he apparently misunderstood, because he stood up and ended the conversation abruptly. If I come back here to stay, and he finds out the whole story, I’m sure he’ll understand. He’s the kind of man who would.

As I drove out of Warren, I didn’t know what to think. The feeling of cold grayness was everywhere around me— a sense of resignation. There had been no talk of rehabilitation, of cure, of someday sending these people out into the world again. No one had spoken of hope. The feeling was of living death—or worse, of never having been fully alive and knowing. Souls withered from the beginning, and doomed to stare into the time and space of every day.

I wondered about the house-mother with her red-blotched face, and the stuttering shop teacher, and the motherly principal, and youthful tired- looking psychologist, and wished I knew how they had found their way here to work and dedicate themselves to these silent minds. Like the boy who held the younger one in his arms, each had found a fulfillment in giving away a part of himself to those who had less.

And what about the things I wasn’t shown?

I may soon be coming to Warren, to spend the rest of my life with the others … waiting.

July 15—I’ve been putting off a visit to my mother. I want to see her and I don’t. Not until I’m sure what is going to happen to me. Let’s see first how the work goes and what I discover.

Algernon refuses to run the maze any more; general motivation has decreased. I stopped off again today to see him, and this time Strauss was there too. Both he and Nemur looked disturbed as they watched Burt force- feed him. Strange to see the little puff of white clamped down on the worktable and Burt forcing the food down his throat with an eye-dropper.

If it keeps up this way, they’ll have to start feeding him by injection. Watching Algernon squirm under those tiny bands this afternoon, I felt them

around my own arms and legs. I started to gag and choke, and I had to get out of the lab for fresh air. I’ve got to stop identifying with him.

I went down to Murray’s Bar and had a few drinks. And then I called Fay and we made the rounds. Fay is annoyed that I’ve stopped taking her out dancing, and she got angry and walked out on me last night. She has no idea of my work and no interest in it, and when I do try to talk to her about it she makes no attempt to hide her boredom. She just can’t be bothered, and I can’t blame her. She’s interested in only three things that I can see: dancing, painting, and sex. And the only thing we really have in common is sex. It’s foolish of me to try to interest her in my work. So she goes dancing without me. She told me that the other night she dreamed she had come into the apartment and set fire to all my books and notes, and that we went off dancing around the flames. I’ve got to watch out. She’s becoming possessive. I just realized tonight that my own place is starting to resemble her apartment—a mess. I’ve got to cut down on the drinking.

July 16—Alice met Fay last night. I’d been concerned about what would happen if they came face to face. Alice came to see me after she found out about Algernon from Burt. She knows what it may mean, and she still feels responsible for having encouraged me in the first place.

We had coffee and we talked late. I knew that Fay had gone out dancing at the Stardust Ballroom, so I didn’t expect her home so early. But at about one forty-five in the morning we were startled by Fay’s sudden appearance on the fire-escape. She tapped, pushed open the half-open window and came waltzing into the room with a bottle in her hand.

“Crashing the party,” she said. “Brought my own refreshments.”

I had told her about Alice working on the project at the university, and I had mentioned Fay to Alice earlier—so they weren’t surprised to meet. But after a few seconds of sizing each other up, they started talking about art and me, and for all they cared I could have been anywhere else in the world. They liked each other.

“I’ll get the coffee,” I said, and wandered out to the kitchen to leave them alone.

When I came back, Fay had taken off her shoes and was sitting on the floor, sipping gin out of the bottle. She was explaining to Alice that as far as she was concerned there was nothing more valuable to the human body than sunbathing, and that nudist colonies were the answer to the world’s moral problems.

Alice was laughing hysterically at Fay’s suggestion that we all join a nudist colony, and she leaned over and accepted a drink that Fay poured for her.

We sat and talked until dawn, and I insisted on seeing Alice home. When she protested that it wasn’t necessary, Fay insisted that she would be a fool to go out alone in the city at this hour. So I went down and hailed a cab.

“There’s something about her,” said Alice on the way home. “I don’t know what it is. Her frankness, her open trust, her unselfishness…”

I agreed.

“And she loves you,” said Alice.

“No. She loves everyone,” I insisted. “I’m just the neighbor across the hall.”

“Aren’t you in love with her?”

I shook my head. “You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved.” “Let’s not talk about that.”

“Then you’ve cut me off from an important source of conversation.” “Only one thing I’m worried about, Charlie. The drinking. I’ve heard

about some of those hangovers.”

“Tell Burt to confine his observations and reports to the experimental data. I won’t have him poisoning you against me. I can handle the drinks.”

“I’ve heard that one before.” “But never from me.”

“That’s the only thing I have against her,” she said. “She’s got you

drinking and she’s interfering with your work.” “I can handle that too.”

“This work is important now, Charlie. Not only to the world and millions of unknown people, but to you. Charlie, you’ve got to solve this thing for yourself as well. Don’t let anyone tie your hands.”

“So, now the truth comes out,” I teased. “You’d like me to see less of

her.”

“That’s not what I said.”

“It’s what you meant. If she’s interfering with my work we both know I’ve got to cut her out of my life.”

“No, I don’t think you should cut her out of your life. She’s good for you. You need a woman who’s been around as she has.”

“You would be good for me.”

She turned her face away. “Not in the same way she is.” She looked back at me. “I came here tonight prepared to hate her. I wanted to see her as a vile, stupid whore you’d gotten mixed up with, and I had big plans about coming between you and saving you from her in spite of yourself. But now that I’ve met her, I realize I have no right to judge her behavior. I think she’s good for you. So that really lets the air out of me. I like her even if I disapprove. But in spite of that, if you’ve got to drink with her and spend all of your time with her in night clubs and cabarets dancing, then she’s in your way. And that’s a problem only you can solve.”

“Another one of those?” I laughed.

“Are you up to this one? You’re deeply involved with her. I can tell.” “Not all that deep.”

“Have you told her about yourself?” “No.”

Imperceptibly, I could see her relax. By keeping the secret about myself, I had somehow not committed myself to Fay completely. We both knew that, wonderful as she was, Fay would never understand.

“I needed her,” I said, “and in a way she needed me, and living right across from each other, well it was just handy, that’s all. But I wouldn’t call it love—not the same thing that exists between us.”

She looked down at her hands and frowned. “I’m not sure I know what does exist between us.”

“Something so deep and significant that Charlie inside me is terrified whenever there seems to be any chance of my making love to you.”

“And not with her?”

I shrugged. “That’s how I know it’s not important with her. It doesn’t mean enough for Charlie to panic.”

“Great!” she laughed. “And ironic as hell. When you talk about him that way, I hate him for coming between us. Do you think he’ll ever let you

… let us…”

“I don’t know. I hope so.”

I left her at the door. We shook hands, and yet, strangely, it was much closer and more intimate than an embrace would have been.

I went home and made love to Fay, but kept thinking of Alice.

July 27—Working around the clock. Over Fay’s protests, I’ve had a cot moved into the lab. She’s become too possessive and resentful of my work. I think she could tolerate another woman, but not this complete absorption in something she can’t follow. I was afraid it would come to this, but I have no patience with her now. I’m jealous of every moment away from the work

—impatient with anyone who tries to steal my time.

Though most of my writing time is spent on notes which I keep in a separate folder, from time to time I have to put down my moods and thoughts out of sheer habit.

The calculus of intelligence is a fascinating study. In a sense this is the problem I’ve been concerned with all my life. Here is the place for the application of all the knowledge I have acquired.

Time assumes another dimension now—work and absorption in the search for an answer. The world around me and my past seem far away and distorted, as if time and space were taffy being stretched and looped and twisted out of shape. The only real things are the cages and the mice and the lab equipment here on the fourth floor of the main building.

There is no night or day. I’ve got to cram a lifetime of research into a few weeks. I know I should rest, but I can’t until I know the truth about what is happening.

Alice is a great help to me now. She brings me sandwiches and coffee, but she makes no demands.

About my perception: everything is sharp and clear, each sensation heightened and illuminated so that reds and yellows and blues glow. Sleeping here has a strange effect. The odors of the laboratory animals, dogs, monkeys, mice, spin me back into memories, and it is difficult to know whether I am experiencing a new sensation or recalling the past. It is impossible to tell what proportion is memory and what exists here and now

—so that a strange compound is formed of memory and reality; past and

present; response to stimuli stored in my brain centers, and response to stimuli in this room. It’s as if all the things I’ve learned have fused into a crystal universe spinning before me so that I can see all the facets of it reflected in gorgeous bursts of light….

A monkey sitting in the center of his cage, staring at me out of sleepy eyes, rubbing his cheeks with little old-man shriveled hands … chee … cheee … cheeeee… and bouncing off the cage wire, up to the swing overhead where the other monkey sits staring dumbly into space. Urinating, defecating, passing wind, staring at me and laughing … cheeee … cheeeee … cheeeee….

And bouncing around, leap, hop, up around and down, he swings and tries to grab the other monkey’s tail, but the one on the bar keeps swishing it away, without fuss, out of his grasp. Nice monkey … pretty monkey … with big eyes and swishy tail. Can I feed him a peanut?…No, the man’ll holler. That sign says do not feed the animals. That’s a chimpanzee. Can I pet him? No. I want to pet the chip-a-zee. Never mind, come and look at the elephants.

Outside, crowds of bright sunshiny people are dressed in spring.

Algernon lies in his own dirt, unmoving, and the odors are stronger than ever before. And what about me?

July 28—Fay has a new boy friend. I went home last night to be with her. I went to my room first to get a bottle and then headed over on the fire escape. But fortunately I looked before going in. They were together on the couch. Strange, I don’t really care. It’s almost a relief.

I went back to the lab to work with Algernon. He has moments out of his lethargy. Periodically, he will run a shifting maze, but when he fails and finds himself in a dead-end, he reacts violently. When I got down to the lab, I looked in. He was alert and came up to me as if he knew me. He was eager to work, and when I set him down through the trap door in the wire

mesh of the maze, he moved swiftly along the pathways to the reward box. Twice he ran the maze successfully. The third time, he got halfway through, paused at an intersection, and then with a twitching movement took the wrong turn. I could see what was going to happen, and I wanted to reach down and take him out before he ended up in a blind alley. But I restrained myself and watched.

When he found himself moving along the unfamiliar path, he slowed down, and his actions became erratic: start, pause, double back, turn around and then forward again, until finally he was in the cul-de-sac that informed him with a mild shock that he had made a mistake. At this point, instead of turning back to find an alternate route, he began to move in circles, squeaking like a phonograph needle scratched across the grooves. He threw himself against the walls of the maze, again and again, leaping up, twisting over backwards and falling, and throwing himself again. Twice he caught his claws in the overhead wire mesh, screeching wildly, letting go, and trying hopelessly again. Then he stopped and curled himself up into a small, tight ball.

When I picked him up, he made no attempt to uncurl, but remained in that state much like a catatonic stupor. When I moved his head or limbs, they stayed like wax. I put him back into his cage and watched him until the stupor wore off and he began to move around normally.

What eludes me is the reason for his regression—is it a special case? An isolated reaction? Or is there some general principle of failure basic to the whole procedure? I’ve got to work out the rule.

If I can find that out, and if it adds even one jot of information to whatever else has been discovered about mental retardation and the possibility of helping others like myself, I will be satisfied. Whatever happens to me, I will have lived a thousand normal lives by what I might add to others not yet born.

That’s enough.

July 31—I’m on the edge of it. I sense it. They all think I’m killing myself at this pace, but what they don’t understand is that I’m living at a peak of clarity and beauty I never knew existed. Every part of me is attuned to the

work. I soak it up into my pores during the day, and at night—in the moments before I pass off into sleep—ideas explode into my head like

fireworks. There is no greater joy than the burst of solution to a problem.

Incredible that anything could happen to take away this bubbling energy, the zest that fills everything I do. It’s as if all the knowledge I’ve soaked in during the past months has coalesced and lifted me to a peak of light and understanding. This is beauty, love, and truth all rolled into one. This is joy. And now that I’ve found it, how can I give it up? Life and work are the most wonderful things a man can have. I am in love with what I am doing, because the answer to this problem is right here in my mind, and soon—very soon—it will burst into consciousness. Let me solve this one problem. I pray God it is the answer I want, but if not I will accept any answer at all and try to be grateful for what I had.

Fay’s new boy friend is a dance instructor from the Stardust Ballroom.

I can’t really blame her since I have so little time to be with her.

August 11—Blind alley for the past two days. Nothing. I’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere, because I get answers to a lot of questions, but not to the most important question of all: How does Algernon’s regression affect the basic hypothesis of the experiment?

Fortunately, I know enough about the processes of the mind not to let this block worry me too much. Instead of panicking and giving up (or what’s even worse, pushing hard for answers that won’t come) I’ve got to take my mind off the problem for a while and let it stew. I’ve gone as far as I can on a conscious level, and now it’s up to those mysterious operations below the level of awareness. It’s one of those inexplicable things, how everything I’ve learned and experienced is brought to bear on the problem. Pushing too hard will only make things freeze up. How many great problems have gone unsolved because men didn’t know enough, or have enough faith in the creative process and in themselves, to let go for the whole mind to work at it?

So I decided yesterday afternoon to put the work aside for a while and go to Mrs. Nemur’s cocktail party. It was in honor of the two men on the board of the Welberg Foundation who had been instrumental in getting her

husband the grant. I planned to take Fay, but she said she had a date and she’d rather go dancing.

I started out the evening with every intention of being pleasant and making friends. But these days I have trouble getting through to people. I don’t know if it’s me or them, but any attempt at conversation usually fades away in a minute or two, and the barriers go up. Is it because they are afraid of me? Or is it that deep down they don’t care and I feel the same about them?

I took a drink and wandered around the big room. There were little knots of people sitting in conversation groups, the kind I find it impossible to join. Finally, Mrs. Nemur cornered me and introduced me to Hyram Harvey, one of the board members. Mrs. Nemur is an attractive woman, early forties, blonde hair, lots of make-up and long red nails. She had her arm through Harvey’s. “How is the research coming?” She wanted to know.

“As well as can be expected. I’m trying to solve a tough problem right now.”

She lit a cigarette and smiled at me. “I know that everyone on the project is grateful that you’ve decided to pitch in and help out. But I imagine you’d much rather be working on something of your own. It must be rather dull taking up someone else’s work rather than something you’ve conceived and created yourself.”

She was sharp, all right. She didn’t want Hyram Harvey to forget that her husband had the credit coming. I couldn’t resist tossing it back at her. “No one really starts anything new, Mrs. Nemur. Everyone builds on other men’s failures. There is nothing really original in science. What each man contributes to the sum of knowledge is what counts.”

“Of course,” she said, talking to her elderly guest rather than to me. “It’s a shame Mr. Gordon wasn’t around earlier to help solve these little final problems.” She laughed. “But then—oh, I forgot, you weren’t in any position to do psychological experimentation.”

Harvey laughed, and I thought I’d better keep quiet. Bertha Nemur was not going to let me get the last word in, and if things went any further it would really get nasty.

I saw Dr. Strauss and Burt talking to the other man from the Welberg Foundation—George Raynor. Strauss was saying: “The problem, Mr. Raynor, is getting sufficient funds to work on projects like these, without

having strings tied to the money. When amounts are earmarked for specific purposes, we can’t really operate.”

Raynor shook his head and waved a big cigar at the small group around him. “The real problem is convincing the board that this kind of research has practical value.”

Strauss shook his head. “The point I’ve been trying to make is that this money is intended for research. No one can ever know in advance if a project is going to result in something useful. Results are often negative. We learn what something is not—and that is as important as a positive discovery to the man who is going to pick up from there. At least he knows what not to do.”

As I approached the group, I noticed Raynor’s wife, to whom I had been introduced earlier. She was a beautiful, dark-haired woman of thirty or so. She was staring at me, or rather at the top of my head—as if she expected something to sprout. I stared back, and she got uncomfortable and turned back to Dr. Strauss. “But what about the present project? Do you anticipate being able to use these techniques on other retardates? Is this something the world will be able to use?”

Strauss shrugged and nodded towards me. “Still too early to tell. Your husband helped us put Charlie to work on the project, and a great deal depends on what he comes up with.”

“Of course,” Mr. Raynor put in, “we all understand the necessity for pure research in fields like yours. But it would be such a boon to our image if we could produce a really workable method for achieving permanent results outside the laboratory, if we could show the world that there is some tangible good coming out of it.”

I started to speak, but Strauss, who must have sensed what I was going to say, stood up and put his arm on my shoulder. “All of us at Beekman feel that the work Charlie is doing is of the utmost importance. His job now is to find the truth wherever it leads. We leave it to your foundations to handle the public, to educate society.”

He smiled at the Raynors and steered me away from them. “That,” I said, “is not at all what I was going to say.”

“I didn’t think you were,” he whispered, holding onto my elbow. “But I

could see by that gleam in your eye you were ready to cut them to pieces. And I couldn’t allow that, could I?”

“Guess not,” I agreed, helping myself to another martini. “Is it wise of you to drink so heavily?”

“No, but I’m trying to relax and I seem to have come to the wrong place.”

“Well, take it easy,” he said, “and keep out of trouble tonight. These people are not fools. They know the way you feel about them, and even if you don’t need them, we do.”

I waved a salute at him. “I’ll try, but you’d better keep Mrs. Raynor away from me. I’m going to goose her if she wiggles her fanny at me again.”

“Shhhh!” he hissed. “She’ll hear you.”

“Shhhh!” I echoed. “Sorry. I’ll just sit here in the corner and keep out of everyone’s way.”

The haze was coming over me, but through it I could see people staring at me. I guess I was muttering to myself—too audibly. I don’t remember what I said. A little while later I had the feeling that people were leaving unusually early, but I didn’t pay much attention until Nemur came up and stood in front of me.

“Just who the hell do you think you are, that you can behave that way?

I have never seen such insufferable rudeness in my life.”

I struggled to my feet. “Now, what makes you say that?”

Strauss tried to restrain him, but he spluttered and gasped out: “I say it, because you have no gratitude or understanding of the situation. After all, you are indebted to these people if not to us—in more ways than one.”

“Since when is a guinea pig supposed to be grateful?” I shouted. “I’ve served your purposes, and now I’m trying to work out your mistakes, so how the hell does that make me indebted to anyone?”

Strauss started to move in to break it up, but Nemur stopped him. “Just a minute. I want to hear this. I think it’s time we had this out.”

“He’s had too much to drink,” said his wife.

“Not that much,” snorted Nemur. “He’s speaking pretty clearly. I’ve put up with a lot from him. He’s endangered—if not actually destroyed—our work, and now I want to hear from his own mouth what he thinks his justification is.”

“Oh, forget it,” I said. “You don’t really want to hear the truth.”

“But I do, Charlie. At least your version of the truth. I want to know if you feel any gratitude for all the things that have been done for you—the abilities you’ve developed, the things you’ve learned, the experiences you’ve had. Or do you think possibly you were better off before?”

“In some ways, yes.” That shocked them.

“I’ve learned a lot in the past few months,” I said. “Not only about

Charlie Gordon, but about life and people, and I’ve discovered that nobody really cares about Charlie Gordon, whether he’s a moron or a genius. So what difference does it make?”

“Oh,” laughed Nemur. “You’re feeling sorry for yourself. What did you expect? This experiment was calculated to raise your intelligence, not to make you popular. We had no control over what happened to your personality, and you’ve developed from a likeable, retarded young man into an arrogant, self-centered, antisocial bastard.”

“The problem, dear professor, is that you wanted someone who could be made intelligent but still be kept in a cage and displayed when necessary to reap the honors you seek. The hitch is that I’m a person.”

He was angry, and I could see he was torn between ending the fight and trying once more to beat me down. “You’re being unfair, as usual. You know we’ve always treated you well—done everything we could for you.”

“Everything but treat me as a human being. You’ve boasted time and again that I was nothing before the experiment, and I know why. Because if I was nothing, then you were responsible for creating me, and that makes you my lord and master. You resent the fact that I don’t show my gratitude every hour of the day. Well, believe it or not, I am grateful. But what you did for me—wonderful as it is—doesn’t give you the right to treat me like an experimental animal. I’m an individual now, and so was Charlie before he ever walked into that lab. You look shocked! Yes, suddenly we discover that I was always a person—even before—and that challenges your belief that someone with an I.Q. of less than 100 doesn’t deserve consideration. Professor Nemur, I think when you look at me your conscience bothers you.”

“I’ve heard enough,” he snapped. “You’re drunk.”

“Ah, no,” I assured him. “Because if I get drunk, you’ll see a different Charlie Gordon from the one you’ve come to know. Yes, the other Charlie who walked in the darkness is still here with us. Inside me.”

“He’s gone out of his head,” said Mrs. Nemur. “He’s talking as if there were two Charlie Gordons. You’d better look after him, doctor.”

Dr. Strauss shook his head. “No. I know what he means. It’s come up recently in therapy sessions. A peculiar dissociation has taken place in the past month or so. He’s had several experiences of perceiving himself as he was before the experiment—as a separate and distinct individual still functioning in his consciousness—as if the old Charlie were struggling for control of the body—”

“No! I never said that! Not struggling for control. Charlie is there, all right, but not struggling with me. Just waiting. He has never tried to take over or tried to prevent me from doing anything I wanted to do.” Then, remembering about Alice, I modified it. “Well, almost never. The humble, self-effacing Charlie you were all talking about a while ago is just waiting patiently. I’ll admit I’m like him in a number of ways, but humility and self- effacement are not among them. I’ve learned how little they get a person in this world.

“You’ve become cynical,” said Nemur. “That’s all this opportunity has meant to you. Your genius has destroyed your faith in the world and in your fellow men.”

“That’s not completely true,” I said softly. “But I’ve learned that intelligence alone doesn’t mean a damned thing. Here in your university, intelligence, education, knowledge, have all become great idols. But I know now there’s one thing you’ve all overlooked: intelligence and education that hasn’t been tempered by human affection isn’t worth a damn.”

I helped myself to another martini from the nearby sideboard and continued my sermon.

“Don’t misunderstand me,” I said. “Intelligence is one of the greatest human gifts. But all too often a search for knowledge drives out the search for love. This is something else I’ve discovered for myself very recently. I present it to you as a hypothesis: Intelligence without the ability to give and receive affection leads to mental and moral breakdown, to neurosis, and possibly even psychosis. And I say that the mind absorbed in and involved in itself as a self-centered end, to the exclusion of human relationships, can only lead to violence and pain.

“When I was retarded I had lots of friends. Now I have no one. Oh, I know lots of people. Lots and lots of people. But I don’t have any real friends. Not like I used to have in the bakery. Not a friend in the world who

means anything to me, and no one I mean anything to.” I discovered that my speech was becoming slurred, and there was a lightness in my head. “That can’t be right, can it?” I insisted. “I mean, what do you think? Do you think that’s … that’s right?”

Strauss came over and took my arm.

“Charlie, maybe you’d better lie down a while. You’ve had too much to drink.”

“Why y’all looking at me like that? What did I say wrong? Did I say something wrong? I din’t mean to say anything that wasn’t right.”

I heard the words thick in my mouth, as if my face had been shot full of novocaine. I was drunk—completely out of control. At that moment, almost with the flick of a switch, I was watching the scene from the dining room doorway, and I could see myself as the other Charlie—there near the sideboard, drink in hand, eyes wide and frightened.

“I always try to do the right things. My mother always taught me to be nice to people because she said that way you won’t get into trouble and you’ll always have lots of friends.”

I could see by the way he was twitching and writhing that he had to get to the bathroom. Oh, my God, not there in front of them. “Excuse me, please,” he said, “I got to go…” Somehow, in that drunken stupor, I managed to turn him away from them and head him toward the bathroom.

He made it in time, and after a few seconds I was again in control. I rested my cheek against the wall, and then washed my face with cool water. Still groggy, but I knew I was going to be all right.

That’s when I saw Charlie watching me from the mirror behind the washbasin. I don’t know how I knew it was Charlie and not me. Something about the dull, questioning look in his face. His eyes, wide and frightened, as if at one word from me he would turn and run deep into the dimension of the mirrored world. But he didn’t run. He just stared back at me, mouth open, jaw hanging loosely.

“Hello,” I said, “so you’ve finally come face to face with me.”

He frowned, just a bit, as if he didn’t understand what I meant, as if he wanted an explanation but didn’t know how to ask for it. Then, giving it up, he smiled wryly from the corner of his mouth.

“Stay there right in front of me,” I shouted. “I’m sick and tired of your spying on me from doorways and dark places where I can’t catch up with

you.”

He stared.

“Who are you, Charlie?” Nothing but the smile.

I nodded and he nodded back. “Then what do you want?” I asked. He shrugged.

“Oh, come now,” I said, “you must want something. You’ve been following me—”

He looked down and I looked at my hands to see what he was looking at. “You want these back, don’t you? You want me out of here so you can come back and take over where you left off. I don’t blame you. It’s your body and your brain—and your life, even though you weren’t able to make much use of it. I don’t have the right to take it away from you. Nobody does. Who’s to say that my light is better than your darkness? Who’s to say death is better than your darkness? Who am I to say?…

“But I’ll tell you something else, Charlie.” I stood up and backed away from the mirror. “I’m not your friend. I’m your enemy. I’m not going to give up my intelligence without a struggle. I can’t go back down into that cave. There’s no place for me to go now, Charlie. So you’ve got to stay away. Stay inside my unconscious where you belong, and stop following me around. I’m not going to give up—no matter what they all think. No matter how lonely it is. I’m going to keep what they’ve given me and do great things for the world and for other people like you.”

As I turned toward the door, I had the impression he was reaching out his hand toward me. But the whole damned thing was foolish. I was just drunk and that was my own reflection in the mirror.

When I came out, Strauss wanted to put me into a taxi, but I insisted I could get home all right. All I needed was a little fresh air, and I didn’t want anyone to come with me. I wanted to walk by myself.

I was seeing myself as I really had become: Nemur had said it. I was an arrogant, self-centered bastard. Unlike Charlie, I was incapable of making friends or thinking about other people and their problems. I was interested in myself, and myself only. For one long moment in that mirror I had seen myself through Charlie’s eyes—looked down at myself and saw what I had really become. And I was ashamed.

Hours later I found myself in front of the apartment house, and made my way upstairs and through the dimly lit hallway. Passing Fay’s room, I could see there was a light on, and I started toward her door. But just as I was about to knock I heard her giggling, and a man’s answering laugh.

It was too late for that.

I let myself into my apartment quietly and stood there for a while in the dark, not daring to move, not daring to turn on the light. Just stood there and felt the whirlpool in my eyes.

What has happened to me? Why am I so alone in the world?

4:30 A.M.—The solution came to me, just as I was dozing off. Illuminated! Everything fits together, and I see what I should have known from the beginning. No more sleep. I’ve got to get back to the lab and test this against the results from the computer. This, finally, is the flaw in the experiment.

I’ve found it.

Now what becomes of me?

August 26—LETTER TO PROFESSOR NEMUR (COPY)

Dear Professor Nemur:

Under separate cover I am sending you a copy of my report entitled: “The Algernon-Gordon Effect: A Study of Structure and Function of Increased Intelligence,” which may be published if you see fit.

As you know, my experiments are completed. I have included in my report all of my formulas, as well as mathematical analyses of the data in the appendix. Of course, these should be verified.

The results are clear. The more sensational aspects of my rapid climb cannot obscure the facts. The surgery-and-injection techniques developed by you and Dr. Strauss must be viewed as having little or no practical applicability, at the present time, to the increase of human intelligence.

Reviewing the data on Algernon: although he is still in his physical youth, he has regressed mentally. Motor activity impaired; general

reduction of glandular functioning; accelerated loss of coordination; and strong indications of progressive amnesia.

As I show in my report, these and other physical and mental deterioration syndromes can be predicted with statistically significant results by the application of my new formula. Although the surgical stimulus to which we were both subjected resulted in an intensification and acceleration of all mental processes, the flaw, which I have taken the liberty of calling the “Algernon-Gordon Effect,” is the logical exten sion of the entire intelligence speed-up. The hypothesis here proved may be described most simply in the following terms:

ARTIFICIALLY-INDUCED INTELLIGENCE DETERIORATES AT A RATE OF TIME DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE QUANTITY OF THE INCREASE.

As long as I am able to write, I will continue to put down my thoughts and ideas in these progress reports. It is one of my few solitary pleasures and is certainly necessary to the completion of this research. However, by all indications, my own mental deterioration will be quite rapid.

I have checked and rechecked my data a dozen times in hope of finding an error, but I am sorry to say the results must stand. Yet, I am grateful for the little bit that I here add to the knowledge of the function of the human mind and of the laws governing the artificial increase of human intelligence.

The other night Dr. Strauss was saying that an experimental failure, the disproving of a theory, was as important to the advancement of learning as a success would be. I know now that this is true. I am sorry, however, that my own contribution to the field must rest upon the ashes of the work of this staff, and especially those who have done so much for me.

Yours truly,

Charles Gordon encl: report

copy: Dr. Strauss

The Welberg Foundation

September 1—I must not panic. Soon there will be signs of emotional instability and forgetfulness, the first symptoms of the burnout. Will I

recognize these in myself? All I can do now is keep recording my mental

state as objectively as possible, remembering that this psychological journal will be the first of its kind, and possibly the last.

This morning Nemur had Burt take my report and the statistical data down to Hallston University to have some of the top men in the field verify my results and the application of my formulas. All last week they had Burt going over my experiments and methodological charts. I shouldn’t really be annoyed by their precautions. After all, I’m just a Charlie-come-lately, and it is difficult for Nemur to accept the fact that my work might be beyond him. He had come to believe in the myth of his own authority, and after all I am an outsider.

I don’t really care any more what he thinks, or what any of them think for that matter. There isn’t time. The work is done, the data is in, and all that remains is to see whether I have accurately projected the curve on the Algernon figures as a prediction of what will happen to me.

Alice cried when I told her the news. Then she ran out. I’ve got to impress on her that there is no reason for her to feel guilty about this.

September 2—Nothing definite yet. I move in a silence of clear white light. Everything around me is waiting. I dream of being alone on the top of a mountain, surveying the land around me, greens and yellows—and the sun directly above, pressing my shadow into a tight ball around my legs. As the sun drops into the afternoon sky, the shadow undrapes itself and stretches out toward the horizon, long and thin, and far behind me….

I want to say here again what I’ve said already to Dr. Strauss. No one is in any way to blame for what has happened. This experiment was carefully prepared, extensively tested on animals, and statistically validated. When they decided to use me as the first human test, they were reasonably certain that there was no physical danger involved. There was no way to foresee the psychological pitfalls. I don’t want anyone to suffer because of what happens to me.

The only question now is: How much can I hang on to?

September 15—Nemur says my results have been confirmed. It means that the flaw is central and brings the entire hypothesis into question. Someday there might be a way to overcome this problem, but that time is not yet. I

have recommended that no further tests be made on human beings until these things are clarified by additional research on animals.

It is my own feeling that the most successful line of research will be that taken by the men studying enzyme imbalances. As with so many other things, time is the key factor—speed in discovering the deficiency, and speed in administering hormonal substitutes. I would like to help in that area of research, and in the search for radioisotopes that may be used in local cortical control, but I know now that I won’t have the time.

September 17—Becoming absent minded. Put things away on my desk or in the drawers of the lab tables, and when I can’t find them I lose my temper and flare up at everyone. First signs?

Algernon died two days ago. I found him at four thirty in the morning when I came back to the lab after wandering around down at the waterfront

—on his side, stretched out in the corner of his cage. As if he were running in his sleep.

Dissection shows that my predictions were right. Compared to the normal brain, Algernon’s had decreased in weight and there was a general smoothing out of the cerebral convolutions as well as a deepening and broadening of brain fissures.

It’s frightening to think that the same thing might be happening to me right now. Seeing it happen to Algernon makes it real. For the first time, I’m afraid of the future.

I put Algernon’s body into a small metal container and took him home with me. I wasn’t going to let them dump him into the incinerator. It’s foolish and sentimental, but late last night I buried him in the back yard. I wept as I put a bunch of wild flowers on the grave.

September 21—I’m going to Marks Street to visit my mother tomorrow. A dream last night triggered off a sequence of memories, lit up a whole slice of the past and the important thing is to get it down on paper quickly before I forget it because I seem to forget things sooner now. It has to do with my mother, and now—more than ever—I want to understand her, to know what she was like and why she acted the way she did. I mustn’t hate her.

I’ve got to come to terms with her before I see her so that I won’t act harshly or foolishly.

September 27—I should have written this down right away, because it’s important to make this record complete.

I went to see Rose three days ago. Finally, I forced myself to borrow Burt’s car again. I was afraid, and yet I knew I had to go.

At first when I got to Marks Street I thought I had made a mistake. It wasn’t the way I remembered it at all. It was a filthy street. Vacant lots where many of the houses had been torn down. On the sidewalk, a discarded refrigerator with its face ripped off, and on the curb an old mattress with wire intestines hanging out of its belly. Some houses had boarded up windows, and others looked more like patched-up shanties than homes. I parked the car a block away from the house and walked.

There were no children playing on Marks Street—not at all like the mental picture I had brought with me of children everywhere, and Charlie watching them through the front window (strange that most of my memories of the street are framed by the window, with me always inside watching the children play). Now there were only old people standing in the shade of tired porches.

As I approached the house, I had a second shock. My mother was on the front stoop, in an old brown sweater, washing the ground floor windows from the outside even though it was cold and windy. Always working to show the neighbors what a good wife and mother she was.

The most important thing had always been what other people thought

—appearances before herself or her family. And righteous about it. Time and again Matt had insisted that what others thought about you wasn’t the only thing in life. But it did no good. Norma had to dress well; the house had to have fine furniture; Charlie had to be kept inside so that other people wouldn’t know anything was wrong.

At the gate, I paused to watch as she straightened up to catch her breath. Seeing her face made me tremble, but it was not the face I had struggled so hard to recall. Her hair had become white and streaked with iron, and the flesh of her thin cheeks was wrinkled. Perspiration made her forehead glisten. She caught sight of me and stared back.

I wanted to look away, to turn back down the street, but I couldn’t—not after having come so far. I would just ask directions, pretending I was lost in a strange neighborhood. Seeing her had been enough. But all I did was stand there waiting for her to do something first. And all she did was stand there and look at me.

“Do you want something?” Her voice, hoarse, was an unmistakable echo down the corridors of memory.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. My mouth worked, I know, and I struggled to speak to her, to get something out, because in that moment I could see recognition in her eyes. This was not at all the way I wanted her to see me. Not standing there in front of her, dumbly, unable to make myself understood. But my tongue kept getting in the way, like a huge obstruction, and my mouth was dry.

Finally, something came out. Not what I had intended (I had planned something soothing and encouraging, to take control of the situation and wipe out all the past and pain with a few words) but all that came out of my cracked throat was: “Maaa…”

With all the things I had learned—in all the languages I had mastered

—all I could say to her, standing on the porch staring at me, was, “Maaaa.” Like a dry-mouthed lamb at the udder.

She wiped her forehead with the back of her arm and frowned at me, as if she could not see me clearly. I stepped forward, past the gate to the walk, and then toward the steps. She drew back.

At first, I wasn’t sure whether or not she really recognized me, but then she gasped: “Charlie!.. ” She didn’t scream it or whisper it. She just gasped it as one might do coming out of a dream.

“Ma…” I started up the steps. “It’s me…”

My movement startled her, and she stepped backwards, kicking over the bucket of soapy water, and the dirty suds rushed down the steps. “What are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to see you … talk to you…”

Because my tongue kept getting in my way, my voice came out of my throat differently, with a thick whining tone, as I might have spoken a long time ago. “Don’t go away,” I begged. “Don’t run away from me.”

But she had gone inside the vestibule and locked the door. A moment later I could see her peering at me from behind the sheer white curtain of the door window, her eyes terrified. Behind the window her lips moved soundlessly. “Go away! Leave me alone!”

Why? Who was she to deny me this way? By what right did she turn away from me?

“Let me in! I want to talk to you! Let me in!” I banged on the door against the glass so hard it cracked, and the crack spread a web that caught my skin for a moment and held it fast. She must have thought I was out of my mind and had come to harm her. She let go of the outer door and fled down the hallway that led into the apartment.

I pushed again. The hook gave way and, unprepared for the sudden yielding, I fell into the vestibule, off balance. My hand was bleeding from the glass I had broken, and not knowing what else to do, I put my hand into my pocket to prevent the blood from staining her freshly scrubbed linoleum.

I started in, past the stairs I had seen so often in my nightmares. I had often been pursued up that long, narrow staircase by demons who grabbed at my legs and pulled me down into the cellar below, while I tried to scream without voice, strangling on my tongue and gagging in silence. Like the silent boys at Warren.

The people who lived on the second floor—our landlord and landlady, the Meyers—had always been kind to me. They gave me sweets and let me come to sit in their kitchen and play with their dog. I wanted to see them, but without being told I knew they were gone and dead and that strangers lived upstairs. That path was now closed to me forever.

At the end of the hallway, the door through which Rose had fled was locked, and for a moment I stood—undecided.

“Open the door.”

The answer was the high-pitched yapping of a small dog. It took me by surprise.

“All right,” I said. “I don’t intend to hurt you or anything, but I’ve come a long way, and I’m not leaving without talking to you. If you don’t open the door, I’m going to break it down.”

I heard her saying: “Shhhh, Nappie … Here, into the bedroom you go.” A moment later I heard the click of the lock. The door opened and she stood there staring at me.

“Ma,” I whispered, “I’m not going to do anything. I just want to talk to you. You’ve got to understand, I’m not the same as I was. I’ve changed. I’m normal now. Don’t you understand? I’m not retarded any more. I’m not a moron. I’m just like anyone else. I’m normal—just like you and Matt and Norma.”

I tried to keep talking, babbling so she wouldn’t close the door. I tried to tell her the whole thing, all at once. “They changed me, performed an operation on me and made me different, the way you always wanted me to be. Didn’t you read about it in the newspapers? A new scientific experiment that changes your capacity for intelligence, and I’m the first one they tried it on. Can’t you understand? Why are you looking at me that way? I’m smart now, smarter than Norma, or Uncle Herman, or Matt. I know things even college professors don’t know. Talk to me! You can be proud of me now and tell all the neighbors. You don’t have to hide me in the cellar when company comes. Just talk to me. Tell me about things, the way it was when I was a little boy, that’s all I want. I won’t hurt you. I don’t hate you. But I’ve got to know about myself, to understand myself before it’s too late. Don’t you see, I can’t be a complete person unless I can understand myself, and you’re the only one in the world who can help me now. Let me come in and sit down for a little while.”

It was the way I spoke rather than what I said that hypnotized her. She stood there in the doorway and stared at me. Without thinking, I pulled my bloody hand out of my pocket and clenched it in my pleading. When she saw it her expression softened.

“You hurt yourself…” She didn’t necessarily feel sorry for me. It was the sort of thing she might have felt for a dog that had torn its paw, or a cat that had been gashed in a fight. It wasn’t because I was her Charlie, but in spite of it.

“Come in and wash it. I’ve got some bandage and iodine.”

I followed her to the cracked sink with the corrugated drainboard at which she had so often washed my face and hands after I came in from the back yard, or when I was ready to eat or go to sleep. She watched me roll up my sleeves. “You shouldn’t have broke the window. The landlord’s gonna be sore, and I don’t have enough money to pay for it.” Then, as if impatient with the way I was doing it, she took the soap from me and washed my hand. As she did it, she concentrated so hard that I kept silent, afraid of breaking the spell. Occasionally she clucked her tongue, or sighed, “Charlie, Charlie, always getting yourself into a mess. When are you going to learn to take care of yourself?” She was back twenty-five years earlier when I was her little Charlie and she was willing to fight for my place in the world.

When the blood was washed off and she had dried my hands with paper toweling, she looked up into my face and her eyes went round with fright. “Oh, my God!” she gasped, and backed away.

I started talking again, softly, persuasively to convince her that nothing was wrong and I meant no harm. But as I spoke I could tell her mind was wandering. She looked around vaguely, put her hand to her mouth and groaned as she looked at me again. “The house is such a mess,” she said. “I wasn’t expecting company. Look at those windows, and that woodwork over there.”

“That’s all right, Ma. Don’t worry about it.”

“I’ve got to wax those floors again. It’s got to be clean.” She noticed some fingermarks on the door and taking up her washrag she scrubbed them away. When she looked up and saw me watching her, she frowned. “Have you come about the electric bill?”

Before I could say no, she wagged her finger, scolding, “I intend to send a check out the first of the month, but my husband is out of town on business. I told them all they don’t have to worry about the money, because my daughter gets paid this week, and we’ll be able to take care of all our bills. So there’s no need bothering me for money.”

“Is she your only child? Don’t you have any other children?”

She started, and then her eyes looked far away. “I had a boy. So brilliant that all the other mothers were jealous of him. And they put the evil eye on him. They called it the I.Q. but it was the evil-I.Q. He would have

been a great man, if not for that. He was really very bright—exceptional, they said. He could have been a genius…”

She picked up a scrub brush. “Excuse me now. I’ve got to get things ready. My daughter has a young man coming for dinner, and I’ve got to get this place clean.” She got down on her knees and started to scrub the already shining floor. She didn’t look up again.

She was muttering to herself now, and I sat down at the kitchen table. I would wait until she came out of it, until she recognized me and understood who I was. I couldn’t leave until she knew that I was her Charlie. Somebody had to understand.

She had started humming sadly to herself, but she stopped, her rag poised midway between the bucket and the floor, as if suddenly aware of my presence behind her.

She turned, her face tired and her eyes glistening, and cocked her head. “How could it be? I don’t understand. They told me you could never be changed.”

“They performed an operation on me, and that changed me. I’m famous now. They’ve heard of me all over the world. I’m intelligent now, Mom. I can read and write, and I can—”

“Thank God,” she whispered. “My prayers—all these years I thought He didn’t hear me, but He was listening all the time, just waiting His own good time to do His will.”

She wiped her face in her apron, and when I put my arm around her, she wept freely on my shoulder. All the pain was washed away, and I was glad I had come.

“I’ve got to tell everyone,” she said, smiling, “all those teachers at the school. Oh, wait till you see their faces when I tell them. And the neighbors. And Uncle Herman—I’ve got to tell Uncle Herman. He’ll be so pleased. And wait until your father comes home, and your sister! Oh, she’ll be so happy to see you. You have no idea.”

She hugged me, talking excitedly, making plans for the new life we were going to have together. I hadn’t the heart to remind her that most of my childhood teachers were gone from this school, that the neighbors had long moved away, that Uncle Herman had died many years ago, and that my father had left her. The nightmare of all those years had been pain enough. I wanted to see her smiling and know I had been the one to make her happy. For the first time in my life, I had brought a smile to her lips.

Then after a while, she paused thoughtfully as if remembering something. I had the feeling her mind was going to wander. “No!” I shouted, startling her back to reality, “Wait, Ma! There’s something else. Something I want you to have before I go.”

“Go? You can’t go away now.”

“I have to go, Ma. I have things to do. But I’ll write to you, and I’ll send you money.”

“But when will you come back?”

“I don’t know—yet. But before I go, I want you to have this.” “A magazine?”

“Not exactly. It’s a scientific report I wrote. Very technical. Look, it’s

called The Algernon-Gordon Effect. Something I discovered, and it’s named partly after me. I want you to keep a copy of the report so that you can show people that your son turned out to be more than a dummy after all.”

She took it and looked at it in awe. “It’s … it’s your name. I knew it would happen. I always said it would happen someday. I tried everything I could. You were too young to remember, but I tried. I told them all that you’d go to college and become a professional man and make your mark in the world. They laughed, but I told them.”

She smiled at me through tears, and then a moment later she wasn’t looking at me any more. She picked up her rag and began to wash the woodwork around the kitchen door, humming—more happily, I thought— as if in a dream.

The dog started barking again. The front door opened and closed and a voice called: “Okay, Nappie. Okay, it’s me.” The dog was jumping excitedly against the bedroom door.

I was furious at being trapped here. I didn’t want to see Norma. We had nothing to say to each other, and I didn’t want my visit spoiled. There was no back door. The only way would be to climb out the window into the back yard and go over the fence. But someone might mistake me for a burglar.

As I heard her key in the door, I whispered to my mother—I don’t know why—”Norma’s home.” I touched her arm, but she didn’t hear me. She was too busy humming to herself as she washed the woodwork.

The door opened. Norma saw me and frowned. She didn’t recognize me at first—it was dim, the lights hadn’t been turned on. Putting down the shopping bag she was carrying, she switched on the light. “Who are you?…”

But before I could answer, her hand went over her mouth, and she slumped back against the door.

“Charlie!” She said it the same way my mother had, gasping. And she looked the way my mother used to look—thin, sharp features, birdlike, pretty. “Charlie! My God, what a shock! You might have gotten in touch and warned me. You should have called. I don’t know what to say…” She looked at my mother, sitting on the floor near the sink. “Is she all right? You didn’t shock her or anything…”

“She came out of it for a while. We had a little talk.”

“I’m glad. She doesn’t remember much these days. It’s old age— senility. Dr. Portman wants me to put her into a nursing home, but I can’t do it. I can’t stand to think of her in one of those institutions.” She opened the bedroom door to let the dog out, and when he jumped and whined joyously, she picked him up and hugged him. “I just can’t do that to my own mother.” Then she smiled at me uncertainly. “Well, what a surprise. I never dreamed. Let me look at you. I never would have recognized you. I’d have passed you by in the street. So different.” She sighed. “I’m glad to see you, Charlie.”

“Are you? I didn’t think you’d want to see me again.”

“Oh, Charlie!” She took my hands in hers. “Don’t say that. I am glad to see you. I’ve been expecting you. I didn’t know when, but I knew someday you’d come back. Ever since I read that you had run away in Chicago.” She pulled back to look up at me. “You don’t know how I’ve thought about you and wondered where you were and what you were doing. Until that professor came here last—when was it? last March? just seven months ago?

—I had no idea you were still alive. She told me you died in Warren. I believed it all these years. When they told me you were alive and they needed you for the experiment, I didn’t know what to do. Professor … Nemur?—is that his name?—wouldn’t let me see you. He was afraid to upset you before the operation. But when I saw in the papers that it worked and you had become a genius—oh, my!—you don’t know what it felt like to read about that.

“I told all the people in my office, and the girls at my bridge club. I showed them your picture in the paper, and I told them you’d be coming back here to see us one day. And you have. You really have. You didn’t forget us.”

She hugged me again. “Oh, Charlie. Charlie … it’s so wonderful to find all of a sudden I’ve got a big brother. You have no idea. Sit down—let me

make you something to eat. You’ve got to tell me all about it and what your plans are. don’t know where to start asking questions. I must sound ridiculous—like a girl who has just found out her brother is a hero, or a movie star, or something.”

I was confused. I had not expected a greeting like this from Norma. It had never occurred to me that all these years alone with my mother might change her. And yet it was inevitable. She was no longer the spoiled brat of my memories. She had grown up, had become warm and sympathetic and affectionate.

We talked. Ironic to sit there with my sister, the two of us talking about my mother—right there in the room with us—as if she wasn’t there. Whenever Norma would refer to their life together, I’d look to see if Rose was listening, but she was deep in her own world, as if she didn’t understand our language, as if none of it concerned her any more. She drifted around the kitchen like a ghost, picking things up, putting things away, without ever getting in the way. It was frightening.

I watched Norma feed her dog. “So you finally got him. Nappie—short for Napoleon, isn’t it?”

She straightened up and frowned. “How did you know?”

I explained about my memory: the time she had brought home her test paper hoping to get the dog, and how Matt had forbidden it. As I told it, the frown became deeper.

“I don’t remember any of it. Oh, Charlie, was I so mean to you?”

“There’s one memory I’m curious about. I’m not really sure if it’s a memory, or a dream, or if I just made it all up. It was the last time we played together as friends. We were in the basement, and we were playing a game with the lamp shades on our heads, pretending we were Chinese coolies—jumping up and down on an old mattress. You were seven or eight, I think, and I was about thirteen. And, as I recall, you bounced off the mattress and hit your head against the wall. It wasn’t very hard—just a bump—but Mom and Dad came running down because you were screaming, and you said I was trying to kill you.

“She blamed Matt for not watching me, for leaving us alone together, and she beat me with a strap until I was nearly unconscious. Do you remember it? Did it really happen that way?”

Norma was fascinated by my description of the memory, as if it awakened sleeping images. “It’s all so vague. You know, I thought that was

my dream. I remember us wearing the lampshades, and jumping up and down on the mattresses.” She stared out of the window. “I hated you because they fussed over you all the time. They never spanked you for not doing your homework right, or for not bringing home the best marks. You skipped classes most of the time and played games, and I had to go to the hard classes in school. Oh, how I hated you. In school the other children scribbled pictures on the blackboard, a boy with a duncecap on his head, and they wrote Norma’s Brother under it. And they scribbled things on the sidewalk in the schoolyard—Morons Sister and Dummy Gordon Family. And then one day when I wasn’t invited to Emily Raskin’s birthday party, I knew it was because of you. And when we were playing there in the basement with those lampshades on our heads, I had to get even.” She started to cry. “So I lied and said you hurt me. Oh, Charlie, what a fool I was—what a spoiled brat. I’m so ashamed—”

“Don’t blame yourself. It must have been hard to face the other kids. For me, this kitchen was my world—and that room there. The rest of it didn’t matter as long as this was safe. You had to face the rest of the world.” “Why did they send you away, Charlie? Why couldn’t you have stayed

here and lived with us? I always wondered about that. Every time I asked her, she always said it was for your own good.”

“In a way she was right.”

She shook her head. “She sent you away because of me, didn’t she?

Oh, Charlie, why did it have to be? Why did all this happen to us?”

I didn’t know what to tell her. I wished I could say that like the House of Atreus or Cadmus we were suffering for the sins of our forefathers, or fulfilling an ancient Greek oracle. But I had no answers for her, or for myself.

“It’s past,” I said. “I’m glad I met you again. It makes it a little easier.”

She grabbed my arm suddenly. “Charlie, you don’t know what I’ve been through all these years with her. The apartment, this street, my job. It’s all been a nightmare, coming home each day, wondering if she’s still here, if she’s harmed herself, guilty for thinking about things like that.”

I stood up and let her rest against my shoulder, and she wept. “Oh, Charlie. I’m glad you’re back now. We’ve needed someone. I’m so tired. ”

I had dreamed of a time like this, but now that it was here, what good was it? I couldn’t tell her what was going to happen to me. And yet, could I accept her affection on false pretenses? Why kid myself? If I had still been

the old, feeble-minded, dependent Charlie, she wouldn’t have spoken to me the same way. So what right did I have to it now? My mask would soon be ripped away.

“Don’t cry, Norma. Everything will work out all right.” I heard myself speaking in reassuring platitudes. “I’ll try to take care of you both. I have a little money saved, and with what the Foundation has been paying me, I’ll be able to send you some money regularly—for a while anyway.”

“But you’re not going away! You’ve got to stay with us now—”

“I’ve got to do some traveling, some research, make a few speeches, but I’ll try to come back to visit you. Take care of her. She’s been through a lot. I’ll help you for as long as I can.”

“Charlie! No, don’t go!” She clung to me. “I’m frightened!” The role I had always wanted to play—the big brother.

At that moment, I sensed that Rose, who had been sitting in the corner

quietly, was staring at us. Something in her face had changed. Her eyes were wide, and she leaned forward on the edge of her seat. All I could think of was a hawk ready to swoop down.

I pushed Norma away from me, but before I could say anything, Rose was on her feet. She had taken the kitchen knife from the table and was pointing at me.

“What are you doing to her? Get away from her! I told you what I’d do to you if I ever caught you touching your sister again! Dirty mind! You don’t belong with normal people!”

We both jumped back, and for some insane reason, I felt guilty, as if I had been caught doing something wrong, and I knew Norma felt the same way. It was as if my mother’s accusation had made it true, that we were doing something obscene.

Norma screamed at her: “Mother! Put down that knife!”

Seeing Rose standing there with the knife brought back the picture of that night she had forced Matt to take me away. She was reliving that now. I couldn’t speak or move. The nausea swept over me, the choking tension, the buzzing in my ears, my stomach knotting and stretching as if it wanted to tear itself out of my body.

She had a knife, and Alice had a knife, and my father had a knife, and Dr. Strauss had a knife….

Fortunately, Norma had the presence of mind to take it away from her, but she couldn’t erase the fear in Rose’s eyes as she screamed at me. “Get him out of here! He’s got no right to look at his sister with sex in his mind!”

Rose screamed and sank back into the chair, weeping.

I didn’t know what to say, and neither did Norma. We were both embarrassed. Now she knew why I had been sent away.

I wondered if I had ever done anything to justify my mother’s fear. There were no such memories, but how could I be sure there weren’t horrible thoughts repressed behind the barriers of my tortured conscience? In the sealed-off passageways, beyond blind alleys, that I would never see. Possibly I will never know. Whatever the truth is, I must not hate Rose for protecting Norma. I must understand the way she saw it. Unless I forgive her, I will have nothing.

Norma was trembling.

“Take it easy,” I said. “She doesn’t know what she’s doing. It wasn’t me she was raving at. It was the old Charlie. She was afraid of what he might do to you. I can’t blame her for wanting to protect you. But we don’t have to think about it now, because he’s gone forever isn’t he?”

She wasn’t listening to me. There was a dreamy expression on her face. “I’ve just had one of those strange experiences where something happens, and you have the feeling you know it’s going to happen, as if it all took place before, the exact same way, and you watch it unfold again. ”

“A very common experience.”

She shook her head. “Just now, when I saw her with that knife, it was like a dream I had a long time ago.”

What was the use of telling her she had undoubtedly been awake that night as a child, and had seen the whole thing from her room—that it had been repressed and twisted until she imagined it as a fantasy. No reason for burdening her with the truth. She would have enough sadness with my mother in the days to come. I would gladly have taken the burden and the pain off her hands, but there was no sense in starting something I couldn’t finish. I would have my own suffering to live with. There was no way to stop the sands of knowledge from slipping through the hourglass of my mind.

“I’ve got to go now,” I said. “Take care of yourself, and of her.” I squeezed her hand. As I went out, Napoleon barked at me.

I held it in for as long as I could, but when I reached the street it was impossible. It’s hard to write it down, but people turned to look at me as I walked back to the car, crying like a child. I couldn’t help myself, and I didn’t care.

As I walked, the ridiculous words drummed themselves into my head over and over again, rising to the rhythm of a buzzing noise:

Three blind mice … three blind mice, See how they run! See how they run! They all run after the farmer’s wife,

She cut off their tails with a carving knife, Did you ever see such a sight in your life, As three … blind … mice?

I tried to shut it out of my ears, but I couldn’t, and once when I turned to look back at the house and the porch, I saw the face of a boy, staring at me, his cheek pressed against the window pane.