A strange yawning in Redโs gut, the sound hidden by the wheels on the road. She couldnโt be hungry, could she? Theyโd only stopped for dinner at a rest stop a few hours ago. But the feeling doubled down, twisting again, so she reached out for the bag of chips in front of Maddy. She removed a handful, placing them carefully in her mouth one by one, cheese dust coating her ๏ฌngertips.โ
โOh yeah,โ Simon said, standing up and sidling out of the booth, heading toward his bunk beyond the mini-kitchen. โAnd youse all owe me seven bucks for the snacks I got at the gas station.โ
Red stared down at the chips left in her hand.
โHey.โ Maddy leaned over the table. โIโll cover you for the snacks, donโt worry about it.โ
Red swallowed. Looked down even farther to hide her eyes from Maddy. Not worrying wasnโt a choice, not one Red had anyway. In her darkest moments, those winter nights when she had to wear her coat to bed, over two pairs of pajamas and ๏ฌve pairs of socks, and still shivered anyway, Red sometimes wished she were Maddy Lavoy. To live in that warm house as though it belonged to her, to have everything they had and everything she didnโt anymore.
Stop that. She felt a ๏ฌush in her cheeks. Shame was a red feeling, a hot one, just like guilt and anger. Why couldnโt the Kennys heat their home on guilt and shame alone? But things would get better soon, right? Real soon, that was the plan, what it was all for. And then everything would be di๏ฌerent. How freeing it would be to just do or think, and not have to double-think or triple-think, or sayย No thank you, maybe next time.ย To not beg for extra shifts at work and lose sleep either way. To take another handful of chips just because she wanted to.
Red realized she hadnโt said anything yet. โThanks,โ she mumbled, keeping her eyes to herself, but she didnโt take any more chips, it didnโt feel right. Sheโd just have to live with that feeling in her gut. And maybe it wasnโt hunger after all that.
โNo worries,โ Maddy said. There, see, she didnโt have any. Maddy had no need for worries. She was one of those people who was good at everything, ๏ฌrst try. Well, apart from that time she insisted on taking up the harp. Unless Red was one of Maddyโs worries. It did seem that way sometimes.
โAre we in South Carolina yet?โ Red said, changing the subject, one thingย sheย was good at.
โNot yet,โ Oliver called behind, though he wasnโt the Lavoy sheโd asked.
โSoon. I think we should be at the campsite in around forty minutes.โ โWoohoo, spring break!โ Simon yelled again in a high-pitched voice, and
somehow he had another bottle of beer in his hand, the refrigerator door swinging open behind him.
โI got it,โ Arthur said, passing an unsteady Simon in the narrow space between the sofa bed and the dining table, clapping him on the back. Arthur darted forward to catch the refrigerator door and pushed it shut, the dim overhead lights ๏ฌashing against his gold-framed glasses as he turned. Red liked his glasses, standing out against his tan skin and curly dark brown hair. She wondered whether she needed glasses; faraway things seem to have gotten farther and fuzzier lately. Another thing to add to the to-worry list, because she couldnโt do anything about it. Yet. Arthur caught her looking, smiling as he ran a ๏ฌnger over the light stubble on his chin.
โGiven up on Twenty Questions, have you?โ he asked them both.
โRed forgot her person, place or thing,โ Maddy said, and that made Red think: Wasnโt there something else sheโd forgotten, something she wanted to ask Maddy?
โChip?โ Maddy o๏ฌered the bag to Arthur.
โAh, Iโm good, thanks.โ He backed away from the bag, almost tripping over the corner of the sofa bed. A look clouded his eyes, and now that she was looking, was there a slight sheen of sweat on his forehead? Red didnโt normally catch these things, but this one she did. Did that mean she looked at him too often?
โWhatโs up?โ she said. โDeathly allergic to cheese pu๏ฌs?โ
โNo, thankfully,โ Arthur said, feeling his way as he sat down on the sofa bed.
Oh yes, Red needed to ask Maddy about which side she slept on. Shit, Arthur had just said something and she hadnโt listened. Best to go with a well-placed โHuh?โ
โI said at least I donโt feel as dizzy as Simon probably does.โ โCarsick?โ Red said. โWell, RV-sick?โ
โNo, itโs not that.โ Arthur shook his head. โProbably far too late to be telling you all this, but Iโm not that great with tight spaces.โ He looked around at the crammed-in furniture and the compact kitchen. โI thought it would be widerโโ
โThatโs what she said!โ Simon interrupted.
โFor godโs sake, Simon, enough withย The O๏ฌceย references,โ Maddy said. โHeโs been doing that since middle school, before he even knew what it meant.โ
โIโm standing right here, Mads, donโt third-person me.โ
โCan you all shut up for a second?โ Oliver spoke over Maddyโs retort. โWeโre trying to navigate over here.โ
Red turned back to Arthur. โWell, good thing youโre not spending a whole week in this cramped RV. Ohโฆwait.โ Red smiled at him.
โI know, right.โ
Arthur was Simonโs friend, really, but he was all of theirs by now. He didnโt go to their high school, he went to one in South Philly, but he and
Simon were on the same basketball team, both joined last year sometime. Red guessed Arthur didnโt much like his friends at his own school, because heโd been coming to all their parties and hangouts since senior year began. And that was okay, because she liked having him around. He always asked how she was and how was her day, even though Red usually answered with lies or exaggerated stories with only faint traces of the truth. He showed interest when Red wasnโt interesting at all. And there was that time he dropped her home after that New Yearโs Eve party and let her sit in his car, warming up in the dry air of the heater before she had to go inside the cold house and ๏ฌnd whatever mess her dad had left for her. Arthur didnโt know that was happening, he thought they were just talking, talking the night away at two in the morning outside her house. A small kindness he never knew heโd given her. She should give him one back.
โWeโll be at the campsite soon, I think,โ she said. โYou can get out and stretch your legs in the great big outdoors. Iโll come with you.โ
โYeah.โ Arthur smiled. โIโll be ๏ฌne.โ His gaze dropped from her face to the table, where she was resting one hand. โI was meaning to ask earlier, but I didnโt want to distract you from driving. What does your hand say?โ
โOh.โ Red blushed, raising the hand and rubbing at it self-consciously, realizing as she did that there was something written on the back of that one too. To-do lists everywhere, even on her own body. To-do lists and never-get-done lists. โIโve got a two-for-one special for you,โ she said. โOn our left hand, we have:ย Call AT&T.โ
โAh, I see. Fascinating. What about?โ he asked.
โYou know,โ Red said. โJust to check in with them, see how theyโre doing, whether they had a good day.โ
Arthur nodded, a wry smile to match hers. โAnd did you do it?โ
Red pursed her lips, looking at the empty box sheโd drawn near her knuckle. โNo,โ she said. โI ran out of time.โ
โAnd hand number two?โ
โOn hand number two,โ Red said, drawing out the suspense, โwe have the very elaborate and detailed instruction:ย Pack.โ
โYou must have done that one,โ Arthur said.
โJust about,โ she replied like it was a joke, but she was telling the truth this time. Packed literally right before she left the house this morning, no time to even double-check her bag against her list. Sheโd been too busy making sure there was enough food in the house for her dad while she was away.
โWell, if you did it, why havenโt you checked it o๏ฌ?โ Arthur said, pointing to the small empty box on the see-through ๏ฌesh of her hand. โHere.โ He stood up, grabbing one of Maddyโs pens from the table that sheโd used in an earlier game of Hangman. He uncapped it and leaned toward Red, pressing the felt-tip end against her skin. Gently, he drew two lines: a check mark in the little box. โThere you go,โ he said, standing back to admire his handiwork.
Red looked at her hand. And it felt stupid to admit it to herself, but the sight of that little check mark did change something in her. Small, minuscule, a tiny ๏ฌrework bursting in her head, but it felt good. It always felt good, checking o๏ฌ those boxes. She held out her hand proudly for Maddy to examine and got the nod of approval she was looking for.
Arthur was still watching her, a look in his eyes, a di๏ฌerent one that Red couldnโt decipher.
โBrazil nuts,โ Red said.
Arthurโs face screwed up. โWhat?โ
โI used to be allergic to them as a kid, but Iโm not anymore. Isnโt that weird, that a person can just change like that?โ she said, ๏ฌdgeting with the front pocket of her light blue jeans. Sheโd been sitting here in this spot a long time now. Too long. โMy moโp-parents had to write it on my hand, so I wouldnโt forget. Also, does the pattern in the curtains remind anyone of something?โ She touched the white-and-blue curtain hanging down next to her, running her hand between the pleats. โItโs been bugging me all day, canโt work out what it is. A cartoon or something.โ
โItโs just a random pattern,โ Maddy answered.
โNo, itโs something. Itโs something.โ Red traced her ๏ฌnger over it. Like the silhouette of a character she couldnโt quite place. From a book she was
read at night, or a TV show? Either way, best not to think back to that time, to when she was little, because of who else might be there.
โTomatoes,โ Arthur said, saving her from the memory. โGive me a rash around my mouth. Only when raw, though.โ He straightened up, as did the wrinkles in his white baseball jersey, navy on the arms. โAnyway, I think I better help with the directions. Iโm sensing that Simon is being a hindrance.โ
โIโm doing a stellar job, thank you very much,โ Simon said, looking over Oliverโs shoulder at an iPhone with a marble orange case; must be Reynaโs. There was a map on the screen, a blue dot moving along a highlighted road. The blue dot was them, the six of them and all thirty-one feet of RV. Thank god it wasnโt a red dot. Blue was safer.
Arthur sidled to the front, blocking Redโs view of the screen, her eyes falling instead to Maddy, who gave her a not-so-subtle wink.
โHuh?โ
Maddy shushed her silently, nodding her head ever so slightly in Arthurโs direction. โChecks all the boxes,โ she whispered.
โStop it,โ Red warned her. โYou stop it.โ
They both stopped, because just then Maddyโs phone rang, an angry-wasp buzz against the table. The screen lit up with the view from the front camera: the o๏ฌ-white ceiling and a sliver of the underside of Maddyโs chin. Across the top was the wordย Momย andย FaceTime video,ย with aย slide to answerย button waiting patiently at the bottom.
Maddyโs reaction was instant. Too quick. She tensed, bones sharpening beneath her skin. Her hand darted out to grab the phone, holding it up and away to hide it from Red.
Red knew that was what she was doing, she always knew, though Maddy didnโt know she knew.
โIโll call her when we get to the campsite,โ Maddy said, almost too quiet to hear over the wheels, pressing the side button to reject the call. Looking anywhere but at Red.
Mom.
Like Maddy thought Red would split open and bleed just to see the word.
It had been the same for years. In freshman year, Maddy used to take kids to the side and tell them o๏ฌ for sayingย yo Mommaย jokes in front of Red. She didnโt think Red would ever ๏ฌnd out. It was a forbidden word, a dirty word. She even got weird talking about the Mummers Parade in front of Red.
How ridiculous.
Except, the thing was, Maddy wasnโt wrong.
Red did bleed just to see the word, to hear it, to think it, to remember, the guilt leaving a crater in her chest. Blood, red as her name and red as her shame. So, she didnโt think it, or remember, and she wouldnโt look to the left to see her momโs face in her re๏ฌection in the window. No, she wouldnโt. These eyes were just hers.
