If it weren’t for the fact that I needed to return to Chicago for my cat, Merlin, and a few other clothes, I wouldn’t have bothered attending the Kane Company board meeting. My presence is not required unless there is a vote since I do not have an active position within the company.
The only reason I’ve bothered to sit through boring meetings in the first place is to screw my dad. He’s always hated me being on the board ever since my grandfather appointed me six years ago after he tore my ACL, so I made it a point to sit in on every miserable meeting just to spite him.
To think that people accuse me of not having a purpose in life.
Every time I walk into the Kane Company corporate office for a meeting, I feel the same urge to rush out the front door. It’s like my senses are going haywire due to environmental issues. overstimulation Despite all the years of dealing with sensory processing issues, I still struggle not to obsess over how my tie feels too tight and my suit feels too scratchy.
This right here is why I’m not cut out for corporate life. My brothers are the complete opposite, exuding confidence as they speak during the board meeting. They both look like corporate clones with their dark, slicked-back hair, crisp pinstriped suits, and perfectly groomed beards. It is obvious that they have always been suitable for the
company politics and terrible desk jobs while trying to beat the all-time high score on Candy Crush under the table.
The Head of Acquisitions and Sales for a division of our streaming service, DreamStream, rises from his chair and stands at the front of the room. He fumbles through the first few slides of his, which catches my attention. He may not be a business expert like my brothers, but I am a people person who figures everything out. There’s a slight glow to his skin that only seems to get worse the more my father stares at him with piercing dark eyes and a constant scowl.
The presenter uses his laser pointer to highlight a graphic. “Monthly subscriptions for our DreamStream platform have decreased twelve percent over the last quarter.”
“Twelve percent? On top of the six percent loss from the previous quarter? I speak probably for the first time this year.
Everyone sitting in the conference room looks at me, including my brothers. Declan’s dark eyebrows raise as Rowan’s brown eyes widen. My father stares ahead with a clenched jaw, a permanent expression he’s had since I first breathed.
The older man at the front of the room giving the presentation plays with his remote control before moving to the next slide. “Right. Moving on… Our research shows that families are cutting back on monthly subscription services due to increased competition and market oversaturation. According to our surveys, we were voted the second most likely subscription service to be cut of family budgets.”
“Did you ask them why that was?” I press.
“Well, yes. It all comes down to two main things: affordability and content.”
“But if it really was an affordability issue, then other streaming services would have the same difficulties.”
Rowan turns to me, pinning me with his dark gaze. “What’s the matter?”
I give him a nonchalant shrug. “My interest has been piqued.”
“Then we better take advantage before you lose it again.” Her brown eyes light up.
I know my brother means well, but all he does is discourage me from continuing my line of questioning. The last thing I want is to give people a reason to want more from me. Being the family reject is an easy job, and Rowan’s comment reminds me of that.
No expectations. No disappointments. My life motto.
 |
After the board meeting, Declan motions for me to speak, but someone distracts him, giving me time to escape. I’m not in the mood to deal with him after our fight last week. My walk to the elevators is quick, without anyone bothering to stop me to chat. The doors begin to close, but a hand shoots out and causes them to open again. They separate to reveal the one person I wouldn’t want to share a second with, much less the minute’s drive it takes to get to the lobby.
You knew there was a risk of this happening.
My father’s usual scowl only deepens when he looks at me with his dark, beady eyes. “You’re leaving now?”
“Now that I’ve crossed bothering you off today’s to-do list, I’m done.” I rearrange my suit for the umpteenth time.
“Do you have any intention of doing something useful with your life?”
“I’m not sure. I considered learning to juggle, but then I saw a video about ukuleles, so I started getting into that during my free time.”
He scoffs. “Your whole life is considered free time. You have no job, no purpose, nothing but a loaded trust fund that shouldn’t even be yours.”
“I see you’re still bitter that Mom created that trust fund for me without your knowledge, but you should really let it go. My therapist says it’s not good to keep all that inside.”
“The only bitterness I have toward your mother is her weakness for you .”
I give his shoulder a squeeze, matching the way my chest feels at his words. “Oh, dad. Don’t hold it against her. After all, she believed in you too, and we know what a monster you turned out to be.
His nostrils flare. “You are a huge disappointment.” “At least I’m doing one thing right.”
“You think it’s funny? That being the family joke is an accomplishment? Wake up. You’re a pathetic waste of space who shouldn’t even be allowed in this building since you’re a stain on our family name.”
My chest pounds, but I hide my pain with a smile. “This might be the most you’ve talked to me in a whole year.”
My father makes a noise in the back of his throat. Disdain rolls off him in waves, but I ignore it. I learned a long time ago that getting angry and showing that his words matter means he wins.
I can’t wait to earn my shares and ruin my father’s chance to regain control of the company. Any letter and inheritance that my
Grandfather will never add up the percentage of shares that my brothers and I will have combined. Even if he inherits the 6 percent of the shares that have not yet been accounted for, he will never have enough power to overthrow us again.
The tension rises between us, without either of us saying a single word. He looks at me like I’m the bane of his existence, and I do my best to keep my smile in place.
Kill them with kindness , Mom used to say. I hope my father chokes on that.
The elevator dings and the doors open to the busy tenth floor. A group of people get into the elevator, ending our toxic exchange. My father moves to a corner while I position myself near the doors for my great escape.
Although I let most of my father’s comments bounce off of me, I sometimes struggle. I’m only human after all. My father has always been good at picking at my weaknesses. It’s not hard for him, especially once I got hurt playing hockey and lost the only thing that made me feel special.
He pushed and pushed until I spiraled, turning into a copy of the person who annoys me the most.
Him.
|
“I’m going to miss you, little one.” Iris snuggles Merlin against her chest. It only took my cat two years to warm up to her and now they are best friends with her. His black fur contrasts with his dark skin, highlighting the deep tones in both.
He’ll be back in a few months. I zip up my luggage before placing it upright on the floor.
His smile falls. “Months? I don’t think she can last that long without you here.”
They call me too dependent…”
She hits me on the arm. “Shut up. What if Declan and I come to visit you? I always wanted to see the lake after all your stories, and you’re the one who said summers were always the best.”
“Uhh…”
“Try to look a little less horrified, will you?” She pinches the skin between my ribs.
“Let me get settled first and then we can talk about your visit. Good?” “Good.” He lets Merlin go before plopping down on my couch. “What was it like being back?”
“I’m still processing everything.”
The gold beads at the ends of her braids jingle as she tilts her head. “That bad?”
“I knew Lana was mad at me…” “But you ran away before you had to deal with it.” I tilt my chin. “Exactly.”
“Well, eventually you have to face your past.”
“It feels like I’m being slapped repeatedly.”
She laughs. “Maybe this is all good for you. “It might help you get closure.”
I fall into the leather chair across from her. “Who says I need closure?” “The fact that you haven’t had a romantic relationship for six years.” A strange frown crosses my face. “She hasn’t interested me.” The lie slips away easily, perfected after mastering the art of pretending not to give a damn.
Of course, I’m interested, but that doesn’t make it possible. At least not when I’m still a mess.
Iris looks at me with narrowed eyes. “Are you sure about that?” “Yeah.”
“You could have fooled me with the way you asked me out.” She threw a pillow directly at her face. “It was a joke.”
“Says the man who kissed me.”
“And then proceeded to vomit afterwards.” She shudders. “Do not remind me that”.
I’m not sure whose drunk idea it was, but our kiss was a mistake the moment it happened. Our lack of romantic chemistry was a clear indication that Iris and I would never be more than friends.
She shakes her head. “Me aside, you’ll never be able to move on to someone new if you’re still holding on to someone else’s memory.”
My stomach turns. “I’m not holding on to someone else’s memory.”
“Really? Then give me your wallet.” She extends her hand. “No.”
She crosses her arms against her pink t-shirt. “Exactly as I thought.” My eyes narrow. “Retaining a photo is not a crime.”
“It is not the photo but what it symbolizes that matters.” “And what is that?”
“That a part of you will always love a part of her, no matter how much you try to deny it.”
“It is impossible not to love her.”
Iris leans forward. “So you admit that you love her.”
“I never denied it in the first place. “Those kinds of feelings don’t go away, no matter how much I wish they did.”
“I don’t have a good feeling about this.” She rubs her temple.
“There’s no need to worry. I know there’s no chance in hell we’ll ever get back together.”
I made sure of that the moment I walked away from her, turning her fear of abandonment into a reality.
And I have never forgiven myself.
|
It’s not until Iris leaves for the night that I pull out my wallet and look for the picture she talked about. The edges of the small photo are worn from years of wear and countless wallet transfers.
It’s been over a decade since the photo was taken, but I remember the day like it was yesterday. Lana’s mom took him from us the summer after I came back from rehab. We’re both on the dock, drinking Colombian cholados to celebrate my twenty-first birthday. Lana stares into the camera lens, eyes bright and face radiant, while my attention is solely on her.
It’s obvious that I loved her, even back then, although I never acted on my feelings. I was happy to remain friends while we both figured out our lives. Lana had just turned eighteen and I had just gotten out of rehab and was still struggling with the stressors in my life. And then I got drafted into the National Hockey League when Lana was not yet twenty. Neither of us were ready for the sacrifices we needed to make to be together, so we kept things platonic. It almost killed me inside, but I knew it was worth the wait.
At least until you fucked things up for good.
I turn the image over and trace the words he wrote on the back.
Get drunk on life, not alcohol.
Love, Lana
He gave it to me as a going away gift that summer and I’ve had it ever since.
At first, it was the push I needed to stay sober. Every time I was tempted to drink, I would pull the message out of it and stare at it until the demons left me alone. It helped me stay the course for a few years despite all the temptations around me. But later
I tore my ACL and lost my hockey career, which made it easy to fall back into destructive habits.
The truth is that I lost more than my job that year. I got lost _ My life became a series of bad decisions as I tried to fix the gaping hole in my chest.
It took Grandpa’s accident to put me on the right path. But by the time I took the right path, it was too late. The girl who promised me forever had her arms around someone else, and I… I was too late
