I fight everything in me not to go after Lana. My hands shake and my legs tremble with the need to grab her and force her to listen to me. To prove that I love her enough to fight for us and our happy ending.
Unfortunately, I know our situation can’t be fixed with words when she thinks I’m a liar.
That’s because you are.
No. I never lied outright, although weaving a story of half-truths doesn’t make me better. If anything, I feel worse, knowing that regardless of my intentions, the result remains the same. I hurt her
When you leave Wisteria Lake this time, don’t bother coming back. It’s not like you have any reason to come back anyway . Her voice, strong and brave despite the trembling of her chin, repeats in my head.
Lana couldn’t be more wrong, even if she has every reason to believe she’s right. As long as she and Cami are here, I have every reason to come back and fight for the people I love. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to show her that my heritage has nothing to do with how I feel about her and my reason for being sober.
But how?
I run my hands through my hair, pulling at the strands to center myself. The stab of pain punishes me for a moment and eases the panic that sets in.
accumulates in my chest. The relief is temporary, however, when I face one of the last things she said.
I want you to leave the guest house before I wake up in the morning.
I don’t want to go, but staying and bothering Lana more is not an option. It would kill me to leave, knowing that she would most likely think the worst of me, but I can’t think of a better punishment for hurting her.
It’s what you deserve.
 |
I sleep like absolute shit. My mind won’t stop racing, and I end up tossing and turning for most of the night. When five in the morning arrives, I call it a night and wake up. My head is pounding, so I swallow some painkillers and get to work packing my belongings before Lana wakes up. I focus on the task until it is complete, and my luggage seems ready to explode.
My room appears the same as when I first arrived: empty and lifeless. The only thing that stands out is the photo I left on the bed. Before leaving the bedroom, I check the drawers and closet for anything I might have missed. I almost forgot the folded piece of yellow construction paper that was on top of my nightstand. With a shaking hand, I open Cami’s card once more.
Get well, Cow-L.
I trace the curve of the crooked heart before putting it in my backpack. The door in front of mine remains closed, so I close mine gently behind me and head towards Cami’s room on the other side of the house. There’s no way I can’t say goodbye to her.
Lana may not like it, but I can’t go to rehab letting her son think I abandoned her. The thought of her thinking I disappeared without caring enough to say goodbye is a punishment I can’t bear.
Cami is curled up in a ball under her covers, clutching her stuffed lamb to her chest. She looks so peaceful compared to her usual wild self when she’s awake.
The pain in my chest that hasn’t gone away since yesterday returns, stronger than ever. Missing Cami will be inevitable. The girl has grown on me, and it feels like I’m leaving a piece of my heart with her.
You will come back.
I swallow the thick lump in my throat and shake Cami awake. Merlin jumps off the bed with a hiss before crawling under her.
“Hood?” she rasps. Her hair looks like a hairspray commercial from the eighties with the strands forming a helmet around her head.
“Hey.” My smile is weak at best, but I try my best to stay. strong for her.
He blinks a few more times to clear the sleep from his eyes. “What happen?”
“I wanted to say goodbye.”
His scowl is instant. “Bye? Why?” “I’m leaving for a while.”
“Where?”
I reach into my backpack and take out the card. “Do you remember when I told you I was sick?”
She nods.
“I’m going to go see a doctor so I don’t get sicker.” They form a small O.
I take her small hand in mine and give it a squeeze. “When I feel better, I will come back for you and your mother.”
“How long are you gone?” Her glassy eyes destroy the last of my dignity.
You can’t help but hurt everyone you love.
It’s a curse I plan to break, but a curse nonetheless. “I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone.” It depends on a lot of different things, all of which have to do with me.
He surprises me when he launches himself into my arms and wraps his arms around my neck in a tight squeeze. “I do not want you to go”.
Between her and Lana, I’m not sure if my heart will survive this week without being ripped into pieces.
I rub his back. “I know.”
She sobs, making my chest tighten. “I will miss you.” Her voice trembles.
God, if I don’t get out of here soon, I’m going to end up not leaving at all. “I’ll miss you too”.
“Do you promise to come back?” She looks at me with tear-soaked eyelashes. She wiped my tears, erasing the evidence of her sadness. “I promise.” She lets out a deep sigh and the tension in her shoulders deflates.
“But I have a favor to ask of you.” I put his card in my backpack before closing it.
His eyes open. “Me?” “Yeah.”
“What is it?”
I put on a serious face, as if my life depended on it. “Will you take care of Merlin for me?”
She gasps. “Are you going to leave it here?”
My throat feels all rough. “Yes. I can’t take him with me, so I need you to be in charge. And that way, I have a valid reason to return, whether Lana wants it or not.
Am I using my cat to convince Lana to see me again? Absolutely.
Do I feel bad about that? Not in the slightest, although I will make sure food and supplies are delivered to the house while I’m away so she doesn’t have to pay for anything.
He stands up and greets me. “I’ll take care of him.” “And make sure you take care of your mother for me too.”
Her head tilts, the small wrinkles on her face making her look older than six. “Do you love, do you love, mommy?”
“Master love your mommy more than anything. That’s why I’m going to look for help.”
His entire face lights up with whatever idea is brewing. inside that busy head of yours. “What if we go with you?”
shit _ All it takes is a shake of the head for his smile to fall.
“No. I wish you could, but this is something I have to do on my own. I give him one last hug before getting up.
“But you will come back,” he says. “I’ll be back, for you and your mommy.”
“Pinky promise?” She holds her pinky with a wobbly smile.
I squeeze our little fingers and shake them. “Pinkie promise.”
I give him one last kiss on the top of his head before turning around. My step falters when I see Lana leaning against the door frame, her eyes dark and her brow firm.
“Hi mom!”
She looks at Cami. “You got up early.” Her voice doesn’t sound accusatory, but the look she sends my way is.
“Cow-I woke up.” Cami throws me under the bus.
I love you too, child.
Why don’t you try to sleep a little more? “You have a long day today.” Lana doesn’t say anything else as she walks away from her, letting me be the one to close the door. The heaviness pressing against my shoulders only worsens with every step I take towards the front door.
“Key.” Lana extends her hand. There is a slight tremor in her fingers that fucks me inside.
“Wool…”
“No.” Her voice trembles as if she is about to cry.
Shit.
I take out my keychain and get to work getting the house key. Once I place it in Lana’s hand, she puts it in her back pocket.
“Good luck rehabbing.” Her voice sounds distant. As if I were underwater, fighting against the current that threatens to take me away from her.
“I’m going back.”
He reaches around me to open the door. “It won’t change anything between us.”
“So what?”
“Nothing. You got what you wanted. By the time I’m out of rehab, I’m sure we’ll have a buyer ready to work.”
“I’m not talking about the fucking house,” I snap. She blinks.
I know you think the worst of me. Alright. It’s not that he doesn’t deserve it. But I know that I didn’t choose to go to rehab because of the inheritance.”
She scoffs as she crosses her arms. “I’m sure you didn’t choose it for me.” “No. I chose to seek help for myself .”
His mouth opens.
“If I only wanted the inheritance, then I would have stayed here for thirty more days and fulfilled the requirement that was asked of me. But instead, I go to rehab because I want to love myself as much as you love me.”
She takes a breath but remains silent.
“I want to be the man you and Cami deserve. Believe me or not, that’s the reason I go to rehab. I’ve been through the process enough times to know that it’s thirty days of absolute hell no matter which way someone slices it. But every day I spend suffering in the prison of my mind is worth more than a thousand happy days with you.” He leans forward and presses a kiss to the top of his head. He doesn’t melt into me with a sigh like usual, but his shoulders droop a little.
I run my knuckles across his cheek. I’m sorry about the house. I wanted to tell you every time the topic came up, but I couldn’t risk my brothers losing their inheritances after all the sacrifices they made. They would never have forgiven me, and I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I destroyed the lives of everyone around me. “I hate myself enough as it is.”
He looks away and rubs his cheek with his sleeve.
I grab her chin and force her to look me in the eyes. “I’ll find a way to fix this.”
His eyes closed. “You can not”.
“Is that a challenge?” I half mock.
His bottom lip wobbles. “No. It’s a reality.”
The invisible claws wrapped around my heart tighten until I am breathless and sore.
I take a step back before finishing kissing the sad look on his face. I will return for you. Consider this your only warning.
Their lips press together. I offer him a half-hearted smile before walking towards my car without looking back.
I ca n’t look back and risk seeing distrust written all over his face.
I can only hope that whatever I said will sustain her until she can come back and prove that there is nothing in this world I want more than her and the family we can have.
Even if it kills me in the process.
