lana _ tries to push me away, but with the way our bodies are aligned, her ass presses against my penis. She freezes beneath me with a barely audible gasp.
My cock, already semi-hard from what happened at home, reacts to her touch. The blood pumps directly to the source of my latest number.
“Are you…” She struggles to finish the sentence.
“You were wearing the same dress from our first date,” I respond, as if that answers everything. The dress somehow looks better now than it did back then, and I’m jealous of any motherfucker who gets to look at her today.
“I don’t-” She looks at me over her shoulder, her eyebrows knitting together. “Wait.
Do you remember what I wore that night? I know what you’re probably assuming given how addicted he was to pills.
“I remember everything .” My gaze falls to her mouth. The memory of her pressed against mine makes my lips tingle.
His tongue darts out to trace his bottom lip, and I’m struck by the temptation to replace his tongue with mine.
Our kiss the other night has lived freely in my head since it happened. No matter how hard I try to distract myself, it always comes back to the front of my mind.
What would have happened if I had stayed?
What if we had talked about what happened instead of running away?
What if he had kissed her again, regrets be damned?
Instead, I drank until I was physically unable to walk back to the house and kiss her again.
“Mommy! Are you ready?”
I startle. Lana pushes me again, forcing me out of the car and away from the temptation of her lips.
Probably for the best.
“Let’s buckle you up.” Lana’s voice comes out hoarser than usual as she motions for Cami to come closer. While Lana buckles Cami, I put the tupperware of cocadas in the trunk.
The awkward tension between Lana and I intensifies as we both get into the car. I don’t let anyone drive my car, but here I am, allowing Lana to do exactly what my brothers are forbidden to do.
Just because she doesn’t trust you behind the wheel.
I tap my fingers against my thighs in a poor attempt to distract myself from the unbearable pressure building inside my chest.
He would never risk his and Cami’s lives like that, so for her to think otherwise…
It hurts me .
My dark thoughts instantly disappear from my head when Lana pulls out of the driveway. Tires screech and a car honks as Lana dictates that she had the right of way, even though I know for a fact that she definitely didn’t.
I use the safety handlebars for the first time in my life while cruising around town. There aren’t many stop signs or traffic lights, but it manages to hit each and every one the same way, hard enough to give me whiplash.
My heart beats against my chest. “You drive like a crazy man.”
She laughs. “It’s not my fault the light turned from yellow to red so quickly.”
You were about to turn forty when it turned yellow! She shrugs her shoulders.
I wipe the damp skin on my forehead. “How do you still have a license?”
“Probably the same way you kept yourself out of jail after strangling Wyatt.”
My mouth opens. You are a threat. “I haven’t had an accident.”
“Probably because everyone in town knows to avoid the road when they’re on it.”
She snaps her fingers. “That explains a lot. No wonder he never gets stuck in rush hour traffic.”
“Only because you’re the reason people rush in the first place.”
He laughs until his cheeks turn pink and his eyes fill with tears. I’m enthralled by the sound almost as much as I am by the look on her face when she turns to me with the brightest smile.
You are absolutely helpless. I bite my cheek to stifle my moan. Lana finally spares me a look once she parks the car outside Cami’s school. “Thank you for lending me your car.”
“Anything for you.” I offer him a half-hearted greeting. Her back stiffens.
That’s the second time he’s done it. What is that about?
Lana doesn’t give me time to doubt what I said as she opens the door and gets out of the car. “Come on Cami. Say thanks to Cal.
“Thank you!” She claps her hands in the back seat.
“Let’s get you out of there.” Lana grabs the treats from the trunk while she helps Cami. It takes two failed attempts and almost getting stabbed in the eye with the corner of her graduation cap to realize that two-door cars and kids aren’t an option.
Cami finally emerges from the back, her dress a crumpled mess and her hat completely off center again. I’m not sure how she managed to destroy her outfit on the five-minute car ride, but I’m strangely impressed.
Even though her dress is gone, I try my best to help her with the hat.
“You remind me of your mother,” I say absentmindedly. Cami looks at me with big blue eyes. “Actually?” “Oh yeah. She was a wild child like you. Wink
Cami laughs, making my chest warm and tight at the innocent sound. She looks at me with the silliest smile, and I return the gesture.
The side of my face tingles, and I look up to find Lana looking at me with a strange expression on her face.
“All good?”
She clears her throat. “Yes. I just realized I forgot the camera.” She turns to her daughter. We better leave before your teacher gets worried.
“You come?” Cami extends her hand for him to grab. Looked at him.
“No. Cal’s busy,” Lana replies before she has a chance to even consider it.
I look up at her, finding her working her jaw. “Right. Do you need me to pick you up once you’re done?”
His head shakes. “Thank you, but no. Wyatt and Delilah can take us back to the house.
“What’s wrong with the car seat?” I blurt out. “I’ll take it off tomorrow if that’s okay with you.”
“Of course.”
I expect to feel a warm wave of relief as they walk away, but my chest heaves instead. A sense of longing, deep and forbidden, takes over. The kind of longing I haven’t allowed myself to feel for years .
This is for the best.
So why does it feel so bad to see Cami and Lana disappear into school while I’m alone, watching like a stranger?
Because you are a stranger.
I try to shake off the feeling and get into my car, but I hesitate outside the vehicle.
Part of me wants to go with them. It’s a small part, but it’s a part nonetheless, and it scares the hell out of me. So I do what I do best.
I run.
I try my best to stick to sober activities like having an early lunch at the sandwich shop and buying a new book at the store, but nothing relieves the pressure in my chest.
The trip to one of the tourist bars on the other side of town is a blur, like all the vodka tonics I drank afterwards to numb my emotions.
So much for limiting yourself.
I did everything I could, but I am powerless when it comes to alcohol and controlling myself under extreme stress. It’s not until my vision is cloudy and my head is calm that I finally feel at ease.
No more thoughts about Lana. No more thoughts about Cami.
No more thoughts of what my life could have been like if I hadn’t fucked everything up six years ago.
Just me, the constant beat of the music coming out of the speakers and the alcohol to cure my problems.
 |
My world feels like someone has tilted it at a forty-five degree angle. I stumble out of the carpool and manage to walk down the driveway without falling on my face. It takes me three tries to open the front door. The house is dark inside and I trip over my own feet.
I crash into a wall, except the wall is actually a wobbly table. of my weight before falling backwards. Whatever was on top of the wooden surface shatters, the echo amplifying the horrible sound.
I shudder. “Shit.” I stand there in the dark, afraid of what I might discover if I turn on a light.
If I could find a light.
As if the house read my mind, one lights up above me. Flowers of all colors, shapes and sizes are scattered across the wooden floor, surrounded by thousands of glass shards.
“Oh Lord.” Lana stands at the top of the stairs. “No no no.” “Wool!” I shout. “I missed you!”
A man of subtlety, I am not.
His look of surprise turns into one of anger. “You’re drunk?” I shake my head. “Buzzed.”
“What are you doing here? You’re supposed to stay at the guest house.
“I wanted to say hello.” He raised his hand and waved at her like a complete loser.
She takes a deep breath. Do not move. Let me go put on some shoes before I go down there.
“You got it, baby.” I greet her, which only earns me a death stare.
I’m not sure how long it takes him to put on his sneakers, but I stare at the wall, wondering how I ended up in this mess.
Wool. Cami. Graduation.
I hit my forehead. “Right. That’s how.”
“I can’t believe this right now.” Lana frowns as she walks down the stairs. She only deepens when she assesses the mess around me.
I shudder. “I didn’t mean to break it.”
His eyes cloud over, looking bright under the chandelier. She hates the look on her face almost as much as the silence that forms between us as she analyzes the broken glass shards.
I’ll buy you a new one. I promise.”
“I don’t want a new one. “I want this one,” she says sharply.
“I’m sorry.” My bottom lip sticks out. I saw Cami do it once and it automatically worked on Lana, so maybe I’ll be lucky too. “It was an accident.”
“Accidents happen, but getting drunk is a choice.” “You’re fine. Bad choice.
“Yet you keep doing it anyway. God, Cal. You’re thirty-three years old. He acts like it. He points to the spot where I’m standing. “Stay here”.
She disappears around the corner before returning a minute later with a broom, dustpan, and trash can. Her anger is like a fire, sucking all the oxygen out of the room while I stand there, useless and silent, as she begins to sweep up the mess in the corner in front of me.
“Who brought you flowers?” I point to the mix of wildflowers scattered on the ground. “Was he a boy?”
Smooth, Cal. She’ll never suspect a single thing.
She shakes her head and continues sweeping. “I’m not getting into this with you right now.”
“Why? Because it’s true?”
“Because you’re drunk and acting like a jealous idiot over someone who doesn’t even matter.”
“So what if I’m jealous?” “Why would you be?” “Because…”
“Why what?” She gives me a pointed look.
I bite my cheek to maintain my last shred of dignity after throwing away most of it tonight. She stops waiting and starts sweeping harder this time, sending some pieces of glass flying across the wooden floor.
“Did you bother going to rehab again?” he asks after the longest minute of silence. Her question comes out nonchalantly, but there’s tension in her shoulders as she sweeps.
I laugh. “Of course. Do you want to guess how that turned out? I try to bow, but my coordination is very poor, so I almost fall. This time I don’t have a table to save me, so I wave my arms until I regain my balance.
Pathetic, Cal. Absolutely pathetic.
She looks at me with an expression I can’t understand given the amount of alcohol coursing through my veins.
“I don’t want to pity you, but I do.”
“Exactly what every man wants to hear from the woman he loves.” She blinks once. Twice. Three times before joining a sentence. “And that’s our cue to take you to bed.”
“Will you join me?”
She grabs my arm and leads me up the stairs to my old room while complaining to herself in Spanish. We walk in tandem towards my bed. My center of gravity shifts as the toe of my shoe catches on the ground, causing Lana to lose her balance as well. “Oh. My mistake.” I laugh.
His heavy sigh makes my chest hurt. She guides me to the bed without any further incident. Once my butt lands safely on the foam mattress, she moves away from it, but not before I latch onto her wrist.
I tease her insides, earning the softest gasp. “I’m sorry.”
She tries to free her hand, but my grip holds. “Stop saying that.” “Because?”
“Because words have meaning, and your actions cheapen them.”
My grip on her hand loosens, so she takes advantage and pulls away from me. The crack in my chest expands, revealing the emptiness within.
“Sleep” is the last thing he says before the door to my room closes, leaving me alone with my demons to keep me company.
