I step in time to the steady beat of my heart.
Sunlight streams through the worn buildings, following me like a spotlight across the crowded street. The familiar dagger strapped to my thigh is a comfort I cling to, along with the memory of his hands fastening it there.
“Impress me today, darling,” he had whispered, kneeling before me. The words were so similar to the ones I had uttered after we sparred for the first time. And with his hands gripping my thigh, gray eyes meeting mine through dark lashes, I realized, terrifyingly, that I would do anything to earn his praise. Least of all, survive this Trial.
So I keep my head high, even as hundreds of eyes scrutinize every inch of me. The entourage of Imperials leading me through the city do nothing to quiet the occasional shouts as I pass. And if it weren’t for the king walking beside me, I’m quite sure there would be nothing but curses flying from the mouths surrounding me.
I lean toward Kitt, though my gaze never leaves the broad shoulders of the Enforcer a few paces in front of me. “So, I’ll be in the Scorches.” I say this flatly, knowing we are heading east through the city.
The shoulder he shrugs brushes against mine. “Sort of.”
My eyes flick to him, confusion crinkling my brow. The movement has a bead of sweat rolling down my temple, forcing my focus to how insufferably hot I already am. My dark pants are tight against my legs, tunic slicked with sweat beneath the blistering sun.
A small crowd has gathered behind us, trailing our steps to the city’s edge. The hope that they will witness my death firsthand keeps them marching on in the heat. I almost admire their devoted detestation for me.
By the time we halt at the outskirts of the city, it’s not the warmth that has my palms slicking with sweat. My heart pounds as I take in the vast expanse of desert sprawled before me. I barely survived that sea of sand last time I dared to cross it.
And if that is the bravery this Trial is testing, I’m not sure I can muster the strength to do it again. Terror hugs me tightly as I await my inevitable return to another set of Trials. I have yet to fully address the abundance of lingering pain and fear that accompanied the last ones I barely endured.
As if hearing my racing thoughts, Kitt turns to face the expectant crowd. A familiar face stands beside the king with a hand on his shoulder. Tealah uses her Amplifier ability to project his voice down the street, just as she had done during each Purging Trials interview. “Today, Paedyn Gray will be tested for her bravery—the first of the three B’s my father ruled this kingdom by. Once the Trials are completed, you—people of Ilya—will accept her as your queen.”
I have never felt so many gazes sweep over me. Their silent scrutiny has my skin crawling, but I force myself not to turn away. “As you all know,” Kitt continues, “the first queen of Ilya was laid to rest in the Sanctuary of Souls when the barren land was intended as a burial ground for royals. Today, Paedyn’s Trial will consist of retrieving her crown from the crypt she is buried in.”
Breath catches in my dry throat.
When Kai’s eyes find mine for a brief moment, I know he is thinking of the time we spent together on that dangerous road. He had told me how the first queen was buried there before the bandits claimed the land as their own. Now she lies all alone, her only company those who hope to steal from her grave.
“Bandits have wished to find her crown for decades,” Kitt adds, “but even they have been scared away from the crypt for reasons that are unknown.” His eyes slowly find mine, brimming with encouragement despite his next words. “This is truly a test of bravery. First, she will cut through the Scorches before finding the crypt within the Sanctuary of Souls. To retrieve the crown, Paedyn will be met with all manner of danger. Worst of all, her mind will likely conjure up fears all on its own.”
I take a deep breath, trying to pretend as though that wasn’t absurdly ominous. And to conclude his comforting speech, Kitt adds, “If the crown is presented to the court before midnight, Paedyn Gray will pass this first Trial. If she does not, however…” He scans the crowd, expression unreadable. “She is not fit to be your queen.”
I barely spare a glance at the nodding crowd before turning toward the awaiting Scorches. His words have an icy anger spreading through me, cooling my sticky skin. This Trial proves nothing of my ability to rule a kingdom, and he knows it. But to be an Ordinary is to prove myself in ways that even Elites cannot.
It’s not the Trials themselves I fear—it’s what they will take from me. What will I be forced to survive this time? The breaking of my will? The flickering of that light within me?
My heart pounds in muffled ears.
If I return from these Trials, it will be as less of myself. I’m running out of loved ones to watch die in my arms, so perhaps it will be me this time around. And maybe it’s better that way—to die before this life steals the warmth Adena sewed into my soul.
This kingdom has done its best to set me up for death. Or worse—failure.
So when Kitt offers a slight nod of his head, and Kai a familiar twitch of his lips, I set off into the desert.
My boots shift in the sand, reminding me of the torturous days spent trekking through it. Voices grow more distant with each step, but every gaze on my back is just as tangible as the sun beating down on it. I’ve only just begun my diagonal path through the Scorches, and yet, my body feels heavy. It betrays me with each step, as though my very legs ache to carry me away from this place.
Perhaps the fear began the moment I stepped onto this sand.
But it was not bravery that brought me back out here. It was necessity. Hope.
Sweat slicks my neck, trickling down my back. Attempting to pull up my hair into a strap, I quickly discover that only half of the short strands will stay tucked in the knot.
With a frustrated huff, I squint in the blinding sun and fix my attention on the cluster of rocks far ahead. I have to fight the absurd urge to smile at the memory of running past those stones and into the field of poppies beyond, Kai nipping at my heels. He was my enemy then, and yet, we had never been closer.
I turn, shielding my eyes, to see a familiar figure watching me from the edge of the city. Now, the Enforcer is something far more devastating than a lover, yet we have never been further apart. Keeping my distance from him is a Trial of its own.
It is cruel, not being able to call him mine after everything we’ve endured.
Perhaps in another life, I am strong enough to never need proof of it. Perhaps in another life, I am brave enough to confess that I love him. Perhaps in another life, I learn to love him from afar. And that is the most fearless thing of them all.
So I look away, letting my feet carry me even farther from him.
