โFifteen minutes into lunch, I start stuffing empty wrappers back into my lunch bag, collecting my trash, and brushing the grass off my pants. โI have to go to the library and get this book for English,โ I announce. โAnyone want to come?โ I already know theyโll pass.โ
โIโm not allowed in there,โ Olivia says proudly.
Kaitlyn laughs. โHow the hell do you get banned from the school library?โ
Olivia rolls her eyes. โMrs. Rasmussen caught Travis and me making out in the biography section. Itโs around that corner, you know?โ she says, drawing an imaginary curve in the air with her hand. โItโs completely out of view. What else are you supposed to do over there?โ She giggles.
โLook for biographies,โ Hailey suggests.
โNah. Boring.โ Olivia sits up a little straighter, eyes darting around the circle, enjoying the attention. โTrust me, it was worth getting kicked out.
Travis may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but that boy can kiss.โ We all laugh.
โI wonder what heโs doing this weekend?โ Olivia adds as she reaches for her phone.
โI thought you broke up because you two didnโt have anything to talk about,โ Alexis says.
โWe donโt.โ She crinkles her nose. โIโm not planning to talk to him,โ she says, cocking her head to the side and continuing to search for his number.
Kaitlyn pulls a piece of bread from her sandwich and chucks it at Oliviaโs head.
I mutter a quick โSee ya,โ and head off for the path that leads to the theater. I know exactly where to goโIโve pictured those stairs and that
narrow hallway in my mind a hundred times nowโand soon Iโm inside the janitorโs closet, pulling the mops and brooms to the side to reveal the concealed seam and the black bolt. Their voices are muffled, like theyโre far away, and I knock lightly, three times. The sound stops immediately.
I hear the key slip into the lock and the dead bolt click. AJ cracks the door open, just wide enough to see me. โYouโve got to be kidding.โ
Ignoring his comment, I come up on my tiptoes, looking over his shoulder, searching for Caroline. Sheโs part of todayโs plan. I come downstairs and she tries to convince him to let me in so I can read the poem we wrote.
โIโm looking forโโ I start to say her name, but AJ opens the door and steps forward, and I have no choice but to step back inside the janitorโs closet. That stupid Chia Pet jingle pops into my head.
What the hellโs wrong with me?
He closes the door and uses that key around his neck to lock it behind him. โWhat, are you on some kind of twisted quest or something? Did your friends put you up to this?โ He walks over to the door that connects the janitorโs closet to the hallway and peers out, looking for my accomplices.
I was expecting him to be surprised, but not quite so pissed. My hands start shaking and my legs feel like theyโre going to give out, but I force myself to stand tall and look right into his eyes like Caroline told me to.
โI have something Iโd really like to read to you. To all of you.โ I pull the poem from the pocket of my jeans and open it wide so he can see the proof.
He walks toward me, laughing. โIt doesnโt work that way, Samantha.โ โHow does it work?โ
He brings his hands to his hips. โIt works like this: Members read.
Members listen. Non-members do not read or listen, because they arenโt allowed inside. Look, I made an exception, but I told you, one time.โ
โCanโt I justโโ
He cuts me off. โYou need to go.โ โWhy?โ
โBecause,โ he says, โyou donโt belong here.โ
My heart sinks. I fold my poem along the creases and stuff it back into my pocket. โWhy not?โ
His gaze travels around the room, like heโs searching for words, but he wonโt find any on these walls. Thereโs nothing but cleaning supplies in here.
Finally he locks his eyes on mine, and he doesnโt say a thing, but I understand completely. He told me the first time I was down here. Weโre not friends.
I reach into my pocket, removing the folded piece of paper again. I press it into his palm and close his fingers around it. โI didnโt remember at first. It was years ago.โฆI donโt know, maybe I blocked it out or something. But anyway, I know what I did now, and I am so sorry. Iโll never be able to tell you how much I regret it. But Iโm truly, genuinely sorry. And mortified.โ Some weird sound escapes, and I cover my mouth. โBut I deserve to be, right?โ
I turn to leave, hoping heโll stop me. He doesnโt.
As Iโm about to step into the hallway, I glance over my shoulder. AJ is already back inside Poetโs Corner. When I hear the bolt click into place, I return to the door and rest my ear against it.
I can hear their voices on the other side. I feel tears pricking my eyes when I think about Sydney standing on stage, making everyone laugh, and AJ singing, giving everyone chills. Iโm curious about Caroline. She said it would be easy to get me inside, as long as we found the right words. She was wrong. Maybe sheโs up there right now, pleading my case since I canโt do it myself. I picture that room. Its tactile walls. All those colorful slips of paper and incredible words Iโll never see again.
I climb the stairs, cross the stage, and step out into the sunshine, taking deep deliberate breaths like Shrink-Sue taught me to. By the time I arrive at our tree, Iโm under control again.
โWhereโs your library book?โ Hailey asks as I sit down, rejoining the circle.
โIt was already checked out,โ I tell her.
I pluck at the blades of grassโone, two, threeโand look around at Alexis, Kaitlyn, Olivia, and Hailey, thinking about Sueโs advice to make new friends, and realizing that after all those years of saying I couldnโt do it, I just tried to. And failed.