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Chapter no 9

Every Last Word

โ€ŒFifteen minutes into lunch, I start stuffing empty wrappers back into my lunch bag, collecting my trash, and brushing the grass off my pants. โ€œI have to go to the library and get this book for English,โ€ I announce. โ€œAnyone want to come?โ€ I already know theyโ€™ll pass.โ€Œ

โ€œIโ€™m not allowed in there,โ€ Olivia says proudly.

Kaitlyn laughs. โ€œHow the hell do you get banned from the school library?โ€

Olivia rolls her eyes. โ€œMrs. Rasmussen caught Travis and me making out in the biography section. Itโ€™s around that corner, you know?โ€ she says, drawing an imaginary curve in the air with her hand. โ€œItโ€™s completely out of view. What else are you supposed to do over there?โ€ She giggles.

โ€œLook for biographies,โ€ Hailey suggests.

โ€œNah. Boring.โ€ Olivia sits up a little straighter, eyes darting around the circle, enjoying the attention. โ€œTrust me, it was worth getting kicked out.

Travis may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but that boy canย kiss.โ€ We all laugh.

โ€œI wonder what heโ€™s doing this weekend?โ€ Olivia adds as she reaches for her phone.

โ€œI thought you broke up because you two didnโ€™t have anything to talk about,โ€ Alexis says.

โ€œWe donโ€™t.โ€ She crinkles her nose. โ€œIโ€™m not planning to talk to him,โ€ she says, cocking her head to the side and continuing to search for his number.

Kaitlyn pulls a piece of bread from her sandwich and chucks it at Oliviaโ€™s head.

I mutter a quick โ€œSee ya,โ€ and head off for the path that leads to the theater. I know exactly where to goโ€”Iโ€™ve pictured those stairs and that

narrow hallway in my mind a hundred times nowโ€”and soon Iโ€™m inside the janitorโ€™s closet, pulling the mops and brooms to the side to reveal the concealed seam and the black bolt. Their voices are muffled, like theyโ€™re far away, and I knock lightly, three times. The sound stops immediately.

I hear the key slip into the lock and the dead bolt click. AJ cracks the door open, just wide enough to see me. โ€œYouโ€™ve got to be kidding.โ€

Ignoring his comment, I come up on my tiptoes, looking over his shoulder, searching for Caroline. Sheโ€™s part of todayโ€™s plan. I come downstairs and she tries to convince him to let me in so I can read the poem we wrote.

โ€œIโ€™m looking forโ€”โ€ I start to say her name, but AJ opens the door and steps forward, and I have no choice but to step back inside the janitorโ€™s closet. That stupid Chia Pet jingle pops into my head.

What the hellโ€™s wrong with me?

He closes the door and uses that key around his neck to lock it behind him. โ€œWhat, are you on some kind of twisted quest or something? Did your friends put you up to this?โ€ He walks over to the door that connects the janitorโ€™s closet to the hallway and peers out, looking for my accomplices.

I was expecting him to be surprised, but not quite so pissed. My hands start shaking and my legs feel like theyโ€™re going to give out, but I force myself to stand tall and look right into his eyes like Caroline told me to.

โ€œI have something Iโ€™d really like to read to you. To all of you.โ€ I pull the poem from the pocket of my jeans and open it wide so he can see the proof.

He walks toward me, laughing. โ€œIt doesnโ€™t work that way, Samantha.โ€ โ€œHow does it work?โ€

He brings his hands to his hips. โ€œIt works like this: Members read.

Members listen. Non-members do not read or listen, because they arenโ€™t allowed inside. Look, I made an exception, but I told you, one time.โ€

โ€œCanโ€™t I justโ€”โ€

He cuts me off. โ€œYou need to go.โ€ โ€œWhy?โ€

โ€œBecause,โ€ he says, โ€œyou donโ€™t belong here.โ€

My heart sinks. I fold my poem along the creases and stuff it back into my pocket. โ€œWhy not?โ€

His gaze travels around the room, like heโ€™s searching for words, but he wonโ€™t find any on these walls. Thereโ€™s nothing but cleaning supplies in here.

Finally he locks his eyes on mine, and he doesnโ€™t say a thing, but I understand completely. He told me the first time I was down here. Weโ€™re not friends.

I reach into my pocket, removing the folded piece of paper again. I press it into his palm and close his fingers around it. โ€œI didnโ€™t remember at first. It was years ago.โ€ฆI donโ€™t know, maybe I blocked it out or something. But anyway, I know what I did now, and I am so sorry. Iโ€™ll never be able to tell you how much I regret it. But Iโ€™m truly, genuinely sorry. And mortified.โ€ Some weird sound escapes, and I cover my mouth. โ€œBut I deserve to be, right?โ€

I turn to leave, hoping heโ€™ll stop me. He doesnโ€™t.

As Iโ€™m about to step into the hallway, I glance over my shoulder. AJ is already back inside Poetโ€™s Corner. When I hear the bolt click into place, I return to the door and rest my ear against it.

I can hear their voices on the other side. I feel tears pricking my eyes when I think about Sydney standing on stage, making everyone laugh, and AJ singing, giving everyone chills. Iโ€™m curious about Caroline. She said it would be easy to get me inside, as long as we found the right words. She was wrong. Maybe sheโ€™s up there right now, pleading my case since I canโ€™t do it myself. I picture that room. Its tactile walls. All those colorful slips of paper and incredible words Iโ€™ll never see again.

I climb the stairs, cross the stage, and step out into the sunshine, taking deep deliberate breaths like Shrink-Sue taught me to. By the time I arrive at our tree, Iโ€™m under control again.

โ€œWhereโ€™s your library book?โ€ Hailey asks as I sit down, rejoining the circle.

โ€œIt was already checked out,โ€ I tell her.

I pluck at the blades of grassโ€”one, two, threeโ€”and look around at Alexis, Kaitlyn, Olivia, and Hailey, thinking about Sueโ€™s advice to make new friends, and realizing that after all those years of saying I couldnโ€™t do it, I just tried to. And failed.

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