I open the door and rush up the stairs to show
Riley my Valentine’s Day lollipop, this little object that makes the sun shine, the birds sing, and completely turned my mind upside down.
day, even if I refuse to see the sender again.
But, when I see her sitting on the sofa, a few
seconds before she turns around at my entrance, so small and lonely, Ava’s words come back to mind: I said goodbye to the wrong person. In shock, I have difficulty breathing. She smiles at me.
Hi ! You’ll never believe what I just saw on the Oprah show. There was a dog that no longer had its front legs, and yet it could…
I drop my bag on the floor, sit next to her and grab the remote to turn off the sound.
There is a problem ?
What are you doing here?
She squints, sticking her tongue out at me.
I’m watching TV on the couch while waiting for you to come home, you smartass!
No, I mean, why are you here and not… somewhere else? She turns her back to me, preferring to watch TV without sound rather than me. I insist.
Why aren’t you with mom, dad and Caramel?
His lower lip begins to tremble, slightly at first, then harder and harder. I blame myself horribly and have to force myself to continue.
Riley… (I swallow hard.) I don’t think you should come anymore.
She jumped to her feet, looking outraged.
Are you kicking me out?
No not at all. It’s just… She paces around my room.
You can’t stop me from coming to see you, Ever! I do what I want, you hear me? What I want ! And if you don’t agree, it’s the same!
I know. But I don’t think I should encourage you to come back.
She crosses her arms with a grimace, then falls back onto the sofa, swinging her legs back and forth like
when she’s angry, unhappy, frustrated, or all three.
What I mean is, at first I felt like
that you had something to occupy yourself, something to do, and that you were
happy like that. But now it seems like you spend all your time here, and I wonder if it’s because of me. Because, even if the idea of losing you is unbearable to me, your happiness is decisive, in my eyes. And I don’t think wasting your time spying on neighbors and celebrities, or watching Oprah while waiting for me, is good for you.
I pause, taking time to catch my breath. I wish I didn’t add anything, but I have to.
Because, you see, even though I’m impatiently waiting for the moment to find you, I can’t help but think that… that you’d be better off somewhere else, you know?
We sit in silence. She watches TV while I watch her.
I’m letting you know that I’m happy, she finally said. I’m perfectly fine. So. And if you must know, I’m not here all the time. I go from time to time to this place called Perpetual Summer. “It’s great, in case you forgot,” she adds with a sideways glance.
I nod. To remember it, I remember it. She sinks into the sofa, crossing her legs.
So, you see, I have the best of both worlds! Where is the problem ?
I refuse to let myself be influenced by his arguments: I know that I made the right choice, the only possible one.
The problem is, I think there’s somewhere even better. Where dad, mom and Caramel are waiting for you…
But she cuts me off.
Listen, Ever. You think I’m here because I was dying
want to be thirteen years old, and that, since that will never happen, I live my adolescence through you. This is not completely false, mind you. But did you even wonder if I wasn’t there also because I couldn’t stand the idea of abandoning you? (She
blinks, but when I’m about to speak, she raises her hand
and continues 🙂 At first, I followed them onto the bridge because, well, they’re the parents, and I felt a little obligated. And when I
noticed your absence, I went back to look for you, but you were no longer there, and then the bridge had also disappeared, and I found myself stuck. Then I met some people who had been wandering there for years, well, earth years, and they showed me around, and…
Riley…
But she interrupts me again.
Besides, I really saw Dad, Mom and Caramel. They are fine. In fact, they are even better than fine, they are perfectly happy. But they would like you to stop feeling guilty. They see you, you know? You, no, you can only distinguish those who have not crossed the bridge, like me.
But I don’t really care about the details, which I can see
or not. I repeat his words to myself: they don’t want me to feel guilty, even though I know they are playing their role as parents to comfort me. In fact, the accident was entirely my fault. If I
didn’t make Dad turn around to get that poor Pinecone Lake Cheerleading Camp sweatshirt for two
bullets that I had forgotten, we would never have been on this road at this precise place, at the moment when a doe completely
disoriented charged at us, forcing my father to avoid it, sending us flying into the ravine and crashing into a tree, killing everyone except me.
It’s entirely my fault.
Listen, if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s dad’s, my sister continues. We should never try to avoid an animal that rushes in front of a car, this is a known fact. You have to continue straight,
and too bad for the beast. But you know as well as I do that Dad couldn’t do it, so he tried to save us, but in the end, he only spared the doe. What if it was the doe’s fault? What was she doing on the road when she had an entire forest at her disposal? Or perhaps it was the safeguard that was not enough.
Solid ? Unless it’s the car’s fault, a manufacturing defect in the steering or brakes? Or… (She
stops.) What I’m trying to make you understand is that it’s no one’s fault. It happened like that, that’s all.
Maybe it was meant to be.
I hold back a sob. I would like to believe her, but I can’t. I know what happened, I know the truth.
But we all know it, the truth, and we accept it. Now it’s up to you to come to terms with yourself and admit what happened. It wasn’t your time, that’s it.
If ! It was my time, but Damen cheated, and I followed him!
I swallow and glance distractedly at the screen, where Oprah has been replaced by Dr. Phil, a small, oily bald head over a huge mouth that keeps talking.
Do you remember when I was starting to become
transparent? It’s because I was preparing to cross. Each
day, I was getting closer to the other side of the bridge. But when I made the decision, you needed me and I didn’t have the
courage to abandon yourself in this state. This is still the case, in fact.
I’m dying for her to stay, but I’ve already stolen a life from her. Besides, I’m not going to deprive her of eternity.
Riley, it’s time for you to go.
I spoke so quietly that I hope she didn’t hear me. But once it’s said, I know it’s the right decision, and I repeat it, louder, with more conviction. I can’t believe my own ears.
You should go, Riley.
She gets up from the sofa, her big eyes full of sadness, her cheeks streaming with tears.
You can’t imagine how much you’ve helped me, I said. I
don’t know what I would have done without you. It was only for you that I got up in the morning and continued to put one foot in front of the other. But I’m better now, and it’s time for you to… Words choke me, I’m unable to continue.
Mom warned me that you would send me away one day.
I stare at her without understanding.
She told me, “One day, your sister will finally grow up and do the right thing.” »
And as soon as she said this sentence we burst out
laugh, the situation is so absurd. Not to mention our mother’s habit of repeating: “One day, you’re going to grow up and…” The rest of your choice. It’s a way to relieve a little tension and sorrow as we say goodbye. And then it’s so good to be able to laugh together!
Will you stop by and say hello from time to time?
I doubt you will be able to see me, since mom and dad are invisible to you.
I could go back to Ava and ask her to help me take off my shield, when I want to visit my sister.
And in Perpetual Summer, would this be possible? I said.
Don’t know. But I will find a way to send you a sign, to let you know that I am okay, something that you will recognize as coming from me.
I panic when I see her disappear. I didn’t think it would be so sudden.
What for example ? And how will I know it’s you? How can you be sure?
Don’t worry, you’ll find out.
And she fades away, a smile on her lips, waving her hand goodbye.
