She remains motionless, her big green eyes bulging, then she lifts her chin and bares her teeth. But, getting ahead of her,
I rush forward, determined to attack first, while there is still time. Just as I am about to jump, I notice a sort of shimmering veil, a circle of golden light, which glows gently and which seems to be an invitation to melt into it,
like in my dream. And, even though it is a dangerous lure, probably still Drina’s work, I am unable to resist the temptation.
I sink into a sparkling mist, a rain of caressing, warm, intense light, which instantly calms my
anxieties and fears, and landed in a green meadow, the grass cushioning my fall.
Lying on the ground, I observe the field of flowers, whose petals
seem lit from within, and the trees which raise their branches laden with ripe fruit towards the sky. I have the strange certainty of being
already been here.
Ever!
I jump to my feet, ready to defend myself dearly, and discover that it is Damen… I hastily retreat, unable to determine precisely where he is.
He extends his hand to me, smiling, but I refuse to take it, to fall into the trap. I step back again, searching for Drina.
Ever, calm down. There is nothing to be afraid of. She’s not here, it’s just me here.
I hesitate. I find it hard to believe that I am safe with him and is quickly considering all possible options (limited, of course).
Where are we ? I say, when in fact I would like to know if I am dead.
No, you’re not dead, he answers my silent question. You’re in Summerland, “Perpetual Summer”, if you like.
Explanation which plunges me into abysses of perplexity.
It’s somewhere between two worlds. A bit like a waiting room. A place of rest. A dimension between dimensions, if you will.
A dimension ?
This word seems unintelligible to me, hermetic, in the sense in which he uses it, in any case. But when he reaches out to take mine, I shy away, because, I know, I lack lucidity every time he touches me.
He beckons me to follow him across the meadow, where each flower,
each tree, each blade of grass tilts, sways, bends and curves, as if in an infinite dance.
Close your eyes. Please, he insists, seeing that I refuse to comply.
I close them halfway.
Trust me. Just once.
So I give in and shut them down completely.
And now ?
Now imagine something.
How so ? I said, visualizing a huge elephant.
Something else. Quickly !
I open my eyes, stunned to see a species of mammoth rushing towards us, which I manage at the last minute to transform into a butterfly – a magnificent monarch which lands on the tip of my finger, its black antennae turned in our direction.
But how… ? Damen bursts out laughing.
Do you want to try again?
I try to think of something other than an elephant or a
butterfly.
Go ahead, get started. It’s great, we never get tired of it.
I close my eyes, the butterfly turns into a bird, and when
I reopen them, a majestic parrot is perched on my shoulder. Damen hands me a towel just as a stream of excrement trickles down my arm.
What if we experimented with something a little less… messy?
I put the bird on the ground and watch it fly away, then, with my eyes closed, I concentrate with all my strength. When I open them again, Orlando Bloom is standing in front of me.
Damen grimaces.
Is it true ? I say while Orlando Bloom gives me a knowing wink.
No, you can’t materialize people in the flesh, just their image. Fortunately, it won’t be long before it disappears.
Indeed, Orlando disappears shortly after, which saddens me a little.
What is going on ? Where are we ? Could you explain to me?
Without answering, Damen summons a superb white stallion and, after helping me mount, he creates a black one for himself.
Come on, let’s take a walk.
We walk along a perfectly maintained path, winding through flowers and trees, and cross a small stream sparkling with all the colors of the rainbow. I
then notices a cat, perched on the same branch as my parrot, and moves out of the way to chase it, but Damen grabs the reins of my horse.
Don’t worry. He doesn’t risk anything. This is the kingdom of peace.
We ride in silence. I am amazed by so much beauty, but countless questions rush through my head, and I don’t really know where to start.
The shining veil that lured you here was sent by me, Damen points out.
You mean, in the canyon?
Yes, and in your dream too.
He rides with astonishing elegance and ease, as if he were one with his horse. So I remember the
painting that I saw at his house – the portrait representing him on a white steed, a sword at his side – and think that he had ample time to perfect himself.
But Drina told me that it was she who had invented this dream. — She showed you the place, and me the exit.
The exit ?
Don’t worry, it’s not what you think. You are not
dead, I told you. In fact, you are more alive than ever, capable of manipulating matter and making your desires come true. The pinnacle of
instant gratification, if you prefer! But you shouldn’t come here too often, because you quickly become completely addicted, I warn you.
I try to put my thoughts in order.
Did you both shape my dreams? A kind of collaboration, right?
He nods.
I really don’t like the idea.
So I no longer control my own dreams, if I understand correctly?
Not this one, no.
Excuse me, but don’t you think that’s a bit abusive?
And first of all, why didn’t you put an end to it, since you suspected what was going to follow?
I didn’t know what Drina was up to. By monitoring your dreams, I understood that you were afraid of something and I guided you
up here, where I knew you would be safe.
I look around worriedly to make sure she’s not there.
Why didn’t Drina follow me? Damen takes my hand and squeezes it in his.
Because you’re the only one who sees this place.
I am in complete darkness. This story makes no sense. — Don’t worry, you’ll understand eventually. But for now, why not enjoy it a little?
The memory comes back to me little by little, still confused and fragmentary.
It’s funny, but I feel like I’ve been here before.
It’s true. This is where I found you. You were lying next to the car, but your soul had flown away and was lingering somewhere around there.
He stops the horses and helps me dismount, then he
leads me to a sunny patch of grass, which sparkles and shimmers
in the golden light, which does not seem to come from the same source; and, in the blink of an eye, he reveals a soft couch, a sort of ottoman.
You want something else ? he asks.
I close my eyes and imagine a coffee table, lamps,
a few trinkets, a pretty Persian rug, and, upon reopening them, I find myself installed in a real garden room.
What if it starts to rain?
Do not say…
Too late, we are already soaked to the skin. Damen conjures up a huge umbrella on which the rain slides to fall on the carpet.
Thought can really create, he explains. On land, it takes more time. Here, on the other hand, it’s instantaneous.
“Don’t wish for anything, you might get it!” “, my mother would repeat to us, I remember.
Exactly ! Now you know where it comes from. Would you like to stop this rain so we can dry off? he said, snorting.
How should I go about it?
You just need to think of a dry and warm place.
And in the blink of an eye, we find ourselves lying on a splendid beach of pearly sand.
Well, we’ll stop there, if you don’t mind! he laughs as I create a thick blue towel and a turquoise ocean to complete the picture.
I lie down, closing my eyes to better savor the warmth while Damen confirms what I was beginning to suspect without formulating it clearly. A sentence that
would begin with “I am immortal” and end with “you too”. Which is not so trivial.
I wonder how I manage to hold such a bizarre conversation in a normal voice. But, finding myself somewhere in the middle of perpetual Summer, nothing can surprise me anymore.
So we’re both immortal? He nods.
And you made me immortal when I died in the accident?
Another nod.
But how did you go about it? Is there a connection with this
funny red drink?
Yes.
So why don’t I need to drink it too? He turns his head and is absorbed in contemplation of the sea.
You’ll need it one day.
I stand up and start playing with a side of the napkin,
unable to assimilate this information to sleep standing up. To think that, not so long ago, I found that being extralucid was a
calamity!
It’s not so bad, Damen continues, placing his hand on mine. Look around you, isn’t it fabulous?
Yes but why ? Well, I mean, did the idea that maybe I didn’t want to be immortal ever cross your mind?
Why didn’t you let me go?
Damen flinches, avoiding meeting my gaze.
You’re right, I was selfish. When I saved you, I only thought of myself. I couldn’t bear to lose you again
once, afterwards… And then I wasn’t sure I’d succeed. I brought you back to life, but I didn’t know for how long. I was not
not sure if I made you immortal before seeing you in the canyon just now…
I can not believe what I’m hearing.
Because you saw me in the canyon? He nods.
You mean you were there?
No, I was watching you from a distance. It’s complicated to explain.
Wait, if I understood correctly, you were watching me from a distance,
but you witnessed the scene, and you didn’t lift a finger to help me?
I almost choked with anger.
No, because you didn’t want to. I waited for you to change your mind to encourage you to join me here.
I move away as far as possible, disgusted.
You mean you would have let me die?
Yes, if that was your choice. Ever, remember our last conversation in the school parking lot. You told me that you hated me for what I had done to you, for selfishly having you
separated from your family by resurrecting you. Those words hurt me, but you were right. I had no right to interfere in your life or your death. But there, in the canyon, you let yourself be overwhelmed by
love, and that’s what saved you, that regenerated you, and that’s when I understood.
I get lost in my thoughts.
But why couldn’t I repair myself in the hospital and had to endure
the casts, the bruises, the wounds? Why couldn’t I… regenerate, like in the canyon?
Only love can heal. Anger, guilt, fear can only destroy and erode your abilities.
Another thing that exasperates me, I said, furious. You can
reading my thoughts, while I am incapable of deciphering yours, it’s not fair!
He bursts out laughing.
Do you really want to read my mind? I thought my mysterious air added to my charm?
I blushed in confusion as I thought about all the embarrassing things that went through my mind.
There are ways to protect yourself, you know. You should go see Ava. I feel like I’m trapped.
Do you know Ava?
No, I only know about her what I read in her mind, a family of rabbits hopping nearby observes.
And at the racetrack? I said.
Simple premonition. For you too, by the way.
Yes, but then how come you lost a bet?
I have to lose from time to time, otherwise people would start asking questions. And then I made up for it, right?
And the tulips?
I create them. Same for the elephant, earlier, or this
beach. This is quantum physics, pure and simple. Consciousness gives form to things where there was only energy. It’s not very complicated, you see.
For him, it may be simple, but for me, I don’t understand a thing.
We create our own reality, in fact. And it works no matter
where, he clarifies, anticipating the question that I have barely formulated in my head. You already do it, in fact, but you don’t realize it, because it requires much more time.
But with you, it’s almost instantaneous, right?
I’ve been on Earth for a long time, I’ve had time to learn a few things.
Since when exactly?
I see the room I visited in his house again, wondering what it means to him.
Long time.
And now I too will live forever?
It is not essential. You can put this story out of your mind and continue living normally. Or let go at any time. I just offered you a possibility, it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with it.
I contemplate the ocean, such a deep blue, so beautiful that I find it hard to believe that it is the simple product of my imagination. GOOD
Sure, it’s great to play magician, but suddenly I start thinking dark thoughts.
I would like to know what happened with Haven the day I
I went to your house… And Drina? She’s an immortal too, isn’t she? Is it thanks to you? And how did it start, anyway? How do you become immortal? Did you know that it is
Drina who killed Evangeline and almost killed Haven too? And then what is this strange room that I saw at your house? She gave me goosebumps!
Damen bursts out laughing:
Can you repeat the question?
Oh, I almost forgot. Drina confessed to killing me thousands of times. I did not understand.
Damen turned horribly pale.
Did she really say that?
I remember her haughty look when she told me the news.
Yes. She said something like, “Here we go again, poor stupid mortal, you always fall for it.”
Blablabla…” I thought you were watching us, that you saw everything? — No, I didn’t see everything. I arrived a little late. Sorry,
Ever, it’s my fault. I should have known and not involved you in this story. I would have been better off leaving you alone…
She also claimed to have met you in New York. Well, that’s what she told Haven.
She lied, I’ve never been to New York.
Her eyes betray such sorrow that I can’t help
to take his hand in mine. I am devastated to see him so sad and vulnerable. I place my lips on his, so that he understands that, whatever happens, I have forgiven him.
Your kisses are sweeter with each incarnation. But it seems that we are doomed to never go further. I
understand why now.
With his forehead against mine, he breathes immense joy and love into me, before pulling away with a sigh.
Ah yes, your questions. Where to start ?
Why not from the beginning?
His gaze seems to be lost in the mists of time. I sit cross-legged and am all ears.
My father was a dreamer, an artist, a dilettante, keen on science and alchemy, very fashionable at the time.
I want to know places, dates, tangible things, not an endless philosophical litany of abstract ideas.
What era was this?
A long, long time ago. I’m a little older than you, you know.
Yes, but by how much, exactly? I mean, what age difference do we have, roughly?
Know that my father, as a good alchemist that he was, believed that everything could be transmuted into a primordial element and that, if we
managed to isolate this element, we could create anything. He worked on this theory for years, inventing formulas as he abandoned them, and when he and my mother… died, I continued his research and eventually discovered the solution.
I’m still trying my luck.
How old were you ?
I was young, I think.
So you can get older again?
Yes. I reached a certain age before deciding to stop. I know you prefer the frozen-in-time vampire theory, but this is real life, Ever, not science fiction.
Okay, so what…
And then my parents died, and I found myself an orphan. You know that in Italy, where I am from, surnames often reflected a person’s origins or their profession. Esposito means orphan, abandoned. It is the name which
was given to me, but I stopped using it a century or two ago, since it was no longer relevant.
But why didn’t you keep your real last name?
It is complicated. My father was, let’s say… wanted. I preferred to distance myself.
And Drina? I said, my throat tight.
Poverina, the poor thing. We were both under the
guardianship of the Church, that’s where we met. And when she got sick, I couldn’t bear the thought of losing her, so I made her drink my famous potion.
She told me you were married.
My throat is dry and tight. That’s not exactly what she said, but she made it clear when she revealed her true identity.
He looks away, muttering something under his breath.
It’s true ? I said, my stomach churning, my heart pounding.
Yes, but it was so long ago that it hardly matters anymore.
My cheeks are on fire and my eyes are burning.
Why didn’t you divorce, since it didn’t matter anymore?
You might want me to show up in court with a centuries-old marriage certificate to ask for the
divorce ?
I bite my lip without answering. I admit he’s right, but still…
Ever, please don’t judge me. I am not like you. It is barely seventeen years since you came into the world, into this life,
in any case, while for me, it’s been centuries! I’ve had time to make mistakes, believe me. I may have done wrong in many ways, but I don’t think my relationship with Drina was one of them. Things were different back then. I myself was not the same. I was arrogant,
superficial and extremely materialistic. I only thought about myself and took advantage of every opportunity. But as soon as I met you, everything changed, and when I lost you… I had never felt such grief. And then you reappeared, but… Barely
had I found you I lost you again. And it continued like this for centuries. A perpetual cycle of love and loss.
So far.
You mean we…reincarnate? The word rings strangely in my ears.
You, yes, not me. I stay there, always the same.
But then, who was I? And why don’t I remember it? I’m not sure I believe it yet, but the idea is fascinating.
Damen looks relieved to change the subject.
To be resurrected, you must first cross the River of Oblivion. We’re not supposed to remember, but we’re here to
learn, evolve, pay your karmic debt. Each reincarnation is a new beginning, and you have to find your way back. Because, you know, Ever, life isn’t like an open book test.
Wouldn’t you be cheating a little by staying here?
No doubt, yes.
And how do you know, since you’ve never been reincarnated?
I have had plenty of time to study the mysteries of life. And
I was also lucky to have wonderful teachers. If you want to know, you have always been a woman, very beautiful, who has a lot
important to me,” he said, tucking a lock of my hair behind my ear.
I look at the sea, create a few waves for fun, before making it disappear. Return to our outdoor living room.
Change of scenery ? Damen asks.
Decor, perhaps, but not a topic of conversation.
So I finally found you after looking for you for years and years. You know the rest…
I take a deep breath, eyes fixed on the lamp, which I turn on and off, off and on remotely, trying to assimilate this information.
I left Drina a long time ago, but she has a
annoying tendency to resurface when I least expect it.
Do you remember the evening at the St Regis, when you saw us
together ? I was trying to convince her to forget about me and live her life, once and for all. Obviously, I failed. Yes, I know she killed Evangeline, because that day, on the beach, when you woke up alone… (I knew it! I knew
that he hadn’t gone surfing!) I had just found his body, but it was too late. And, yes, I know about Haven too, except,
Fortunately, I managed to save her.
So that’s what you were doing that night when you told me you’d gone down for a glass of water?
He nods his head.
Have you told me any other lies? On Halloween night, for example, where were you after the party?
I came home. When I saw the way Drina was looking at you, I thought I’d better distance myself. I tried to move away, but to no avail. It was too hard. I needed to be near you. There you go, you know everything now. I hope
that you understand why I couldn’t explain anything to you from the outset.
I don’t want to admit defeat so easily, even though I know he’s not wrong, of course.
Ah, he continues, and the piece that “gave you goosebumps”, as you say? Well, it turns out I feel good there. A bit like the memory of your last happy moments with your family, in the car. But I have to tell you that I laughed a lot
when I understood that you thought I was a bloodsucker, a vampire, whatever!
Yes, well, excuse me. But since there are immortals roaming free, why shouldn’t there be fairies, wizards, werewolves,…? No, but you realize that you
speak as if it were the most normal thing in the world!
For me, it’s normal. It’s my life. And yours too, if you want. It’s not that bad, Ever, believe me.
He looks at me intensely, and even though a part of me
want to hate him because of what he did to me, I can’t. I feel a wave of vibrant heat pulling me against my will.
Stop, I said, removing my hand from his.
Stop what ?
This heat, you know very well what I’m talking about. I want you to stop immediately!
I am torn between love and hatred.
I had nothing to do with it, Ever.
Of course yes ! That’s when you… Oh, and then forget it!
I swear to you that I would never use magic to seduce you.
Ah good ? And the tulips?
You have no idea what that means, do you? Flowers mean something. I didn’t choose them at random.
To give myself composure, I put the table in order, from a distance, for lack of being able to put my ideas back into perspective.
You have so much to learn! But it’s not all fun. We must be very careful, move forward with caution, be wary of the misuse of our power. Drina is the perfect illustration of this. Discretion is required, which means not talking about it to
person. To no one, can you hear me?
I shrug my shoulders, thinking: yes, okay. He leans towards me.
Ever, I am very serious, no one should know, he insists. Promise it to me.
Scout word!
He lets go of my hand, relaxes and leans back on the sofa.
But you have to know that there is a way out. You have
always the possibility of crossing to the other side. In fact, you very well could have died in the canyon, but you chose to stay alive.
Yet I wanted to die.
Your memories gave you strength. Your love, too. I
I explained to you earlier, thoughts can create. In your case, they gave you the power to heal. If you really wanted to die, you would have simply given up. And deep down, you had to know it. No, that’s not what you think, he replies when I’m about to ask him why he came to spy on me in my room while I slept.
What is it then ? I say, even though I don’t really want to know.
I was there to… to observe you. I was surprised that you
can see me. I was transmuted, in a way.
I wrap my arms around my knees. His explanations went over my head, but I understood enough to worry.
Ever, I feel responsible for you, and… I look at him sternly.
And you wanted to take a look at the merchandise on the way?
He bursts out laughing.
Um… I remind you that you have a predilection for flannel pajamas!
So you feel responsible for me, like… a father?
No, not like a father, he grimaces. Ever, I never entered
that once in your room, the evening we met at the St Regis. If you feel like there were other times…
I shudder to imagine my worst enemy spying on me in my room.
Drina! Are you sure she’s not here?
He takes my hand and presses it between his to reassure me.
She doesn’t even know this place exists. She does not
wouldn’t know how to get there. In his eyes, you have vanished, pure and simple.
So how did you get here? Would you have died once, like me?
No. There are two types of alchemy: physical alchemy, which I learned about from my father, and spiritual alchemy, which I only learned about.
encountered much later, when I felt that there was something else, something beyond me. So I studied, I trained, I worked hard to achieve this. I even learned TM, transcendental meditation, from Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.
Um… if you’re trying to impress me, it’s a failure, I don’t understand anything you’re saying.
Let’s just say it took me hundreds of years to transition from the physical to the mental stage. You, as soon as you
ventured into the meadow, you were given backstage access, if I may say so. Visions and telepathy are side effects, in
somehow.
Ah good ? No wonder you’re bored in high school! I said in
an attempt to change the subject and bring the conversation back to something concrete, that I understand. You finished your studies light years ago, right?
Seeing him flinch, I understand that his age is a sensitive subject, which is rather comical, because he has chosen to live for eternity.
By the way, why did you bother enrolling in high school?
That’s where you come in.
Let’s admit. So, if I understand correctly, you saw a girl in oversized jeans and a hoodie, and you were so keen to seduce her that you decided to go back to high school, just to hang out with her?
That’s pretty much it, yes.
He’s starting to annoy me a little.
You could have found another way to get into my life, right? It is not logical.
Love is not logical.
I swallowed hard. I feel shy, euphoric and at the same time
not at all sure of myself. My stomach feels like an icy, bitter metal ball. The most beautiful boy on Earth declares his love for me. I should be jumping for joy. Why am I so negative?
I thought you were bad at love.
I hoped this time it would be different.
I don’t know if I’m ready, I said in a very small voice. I do not know what to do.
Damen takes me in his arms.
You don’t have to decide anything. You have plenty of time.
I notice he avoids looking at me.
What is it ?
I don’t like goodbyes, he replies with a poor smile.
You see, there are two areas where I’m terrible: love and goodbyes. I fight back tears, try to speak in a calm, normal voice, but my heart refuses to beat, I can’t breathe, I feel like I’m dying inside.
Maybe it’s related? Where are you going ? You will come back ?
It depends on you. Ever, do you still hate me so much? I shake my head no.
Do you love me ? he insists.
Of course I love him, with every cell in my body,
every drop of my blood. I feel like I’m going to explode with love, it’s boiling, overflowing, but I can’t express it. After all, if Damen reads my mind, I shouldn’t need
to say it. He must know it.
He brushes his lips against my cheek.
Yes, but it’s better when you say it out loud.
When you have made up your mind about us and your immortality, call me, I will come. I have eternity ahead of me. I am very patient, you will see.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the silver bracelet.
shaped like a horse bit, encrusted with small crystals, that he had given me at the racetrack, the one that I had thrown in his face in the high school parking lot, and is preparing to put it on my wrist.
I can ?
I nod my head, my throat too tight to speak. So he
adjusts the clasp, takes my face in his hands, pushes back my bangs and, with his lips on my scar, he conveys to me all the love he is capable of.
You have to forgive yourself, Ever, he adds, holding me back when
I try to free myself. You are not responsible for what happened.
What do you know about it?
I know you think you are guilty of something that is not
not your fault. I also know that you love your little sister deeply.
and that, with each day that passes, you wonder if you are doing right to encourage his visits. I know you, Ever. You have no secrets from me.
I turn my head away to hide my tears.
This is not true. You did not get anything. I am a curse. A lot of horrible things happen to those who come near me, when I should be the one suffering.
I know that I don’t deserve to be happy, that I’m not worthy of his love.
Damen presses me against his heart, and his embrace soothes me, without however succeeding in erasing the truth.
I have to go, Ever. If you want to love me, if you think that
we can be happy together, you will have to accept me, you will have to accept yourself, just as we are. But if you can’t do it, I’ll understand.
With my eyes closed, I kiss him passionately, I melt into him, I need to feel his lips on mine, to float in the wonderful halo of warmth of his love, this moment which expands, swells and ends up fill every space, every gap, every flaw.
Opening my eyes, I find myself in my room, alone.
