IT WASย WEDNESDAY EVENING.ย Mummy time. However much I might wish it were otherwise, she always managed to get through to me in the end. I sighed and turned off the radio, knowing I would have to wait until Sundayโs omnibus now to find out whether Eddie Grundyโs cider had fermented successfully. I felt a flash of desperate optimism. What if I didnโt have to talk to her? What if I could talk to someone else, anyone else?
โHello?โ I said.
โOh, hiya hen, itโs just me. Some weather the day, eh?โ
It was hardly surprising that my mother had become institutionalized โ that, one assumed, was a given, considering the nature of her crime โ but she had gone far, far further than necessary by occasionally adopting the accent and argot of the places where she has been detained. I assumed this helped her ingratiate herself with her fellow residents, or, perhaps, with the staff. It may simply have been to amuse herself. Sheโs very good at accents, but then sheโs a woman with a broad range of gifts. I was poised,ย en garde, for this conversation, as one always had to be with her. She was a formidable adversary. Perhaps it was foolhardy, but I made the first move.
โItโs only been a week, I know, but it feels like an age since we last spoke, Mummy. Iโve been so busy with work, andโโ
She cut across me, nice as pie on this occasion, switching her accent to match mine. That voice; I remembered it from childhood, heard it still in my nightmares.
โI know what you mean, darling,โ she said. She spoke quickly. โLook, I canโt talk for long. Tell me about your week. What have you been doing?โ
I told her that I had attended a concert, mentioned the leaving do at work. I told her absolutely nothing else. As soon as I heard her voice, I felt that familiar, creeping dread. Iโd been so looking forward to sharing
my news, dropping it at her feet like a dog retrieving a game bird peppered with shot. Now I couldnโt shake the thought that she would pick it up and, with brutal calm, simply tear it to shreds.
โOh a concert, that sounds marvellous โ Iโve always been fond of music. Weโre treated to the occasional performance here, you know; a few of the residents will have a singsong in the recreation room if the mood takes them. It really is โฆ quite something.โ
She paused, and then I heard her snarl at someone.
โWill ah fuck, Jodi โ ahm talkin tae ma lassie here, and ahm no gonnaeย curtailย ma conversation for a wee skank like you.โ There was a pause. โNo. Nowย fuck off.โ She cleared her throat.
โSorry about that, darling. Sheโs whatโs known as a โjunkieโ โ she and her similarly addicted friends were caught purloining perfume from Boots. Midnight Heat by Beyoncรฉ, would you believe.โ She lowered her voice again. โWeโre not exactly talking criminal masterminds in here, darling โ I think Professor Moriarty can rest easy for now.โ
She laughed, a cocktail party tinkle โ the light, bright sound of a Noel Coward character enjoying an amusing exchange ofย bon motsย on a wisteria-clad terrace. I tried to move the conversation forward.
โSo โฆ how are you, Mummy?โ
โFabulous darling, just fabulous. Iโve been โcraftingโ โ some nice, well-meaning ladies have been teaching me how to embroider cushions. Sweet of them to volunteer their time, no?โ I thought of Mummy in possession of a long, sharp needle, and an icy current ran up and down my spine.
โBut enough of me,โ she said, the jagged edge in her voice hardening. โI want to hear aboutย you. What are your plans for the weekend? Are you going out dancing, perhaps? Has an admirer asked you on a date?โ
Such venom. I tried to ignore it.
โIโm doing some research, Mummy, for a project.โ Her breathing quickened.
โIs that right? What kind of research? Research into aย thing, or research into aย person?โ
I couldnโt help myself. I told her. โA person, Mummy,โ I said.
She whispered so softly that I could hardly hear her.
โAh, so the gameโs afoot, is it? Do tell โฆโ she said. โIโm all ears, darling.โ
โThereโs really nothing to tell yet, Mummy,โ I said, looking at my watch. โI simply came across someone โฆ nice โฆ and I want to find out a bit more about โฆ that someone.โ I needed to polish and perfect things before I plucked up the courage to share my shiny new jewel with her, set it before her for her approval. In the meantime, let me get away, let this end,ย please.
โHow marvellous! I shall look forward to regular updates on this project of yours, Eleanor,โ she said brightly. โYou know how much Iโd love for you to find someoneย special. Someoneย appropriate. All these talks weโve had, over the years: Iโve always had the impression that youโre missing out, not having someone significant in your life. Itโs good that youโve started looking for โฆ your other half. A partner in crime, as it were.โ She laughed quietly.
โIโm not lonely, Mummy,โ I said, protesting. โIโm fine on my own. Iโve always been fine on my own.โ
โWell now, you havenโtย alwaysย been on your own, have you?โ she said, her voice sly, quiet. I felt sweat cling to the back of my neck, dampening my hair. โStill, tell yourself whatever you need to get you through the night, darling,โ she said, laughing. She has a knack for amusing herself, although no one else laughs much in her company. โYou can always talk to me, you know. About anything. Or anyone.โ She sighed. โI do so love to hear from you, darling โฆ You wouldnโt understand, of course, but the bond between a mother and child, itโs โฆ how best to describe it โฆย unbreakable. The two of us are linked for ever, you see โ same blood in my veins thatโs running through yours. You grew inside me, yourย teethย and yourย tongueย and yourย cervixย are all made from my cells, my genes. Who knows what little surprises I left growing inside there for you, which codes I set running. Breast cancer? Alzheimerโs? Youโll just have to wait and see. You were fermenting inside me for all those months, nice and cosy, Eleanor. However hard you try to walk away from that fact, you canโt, darling, you simply canโt. It isnโt possible to destroy a bond that strong.โ
โThat may or may not be true, Mummy,โ I said quietly. Such audacity. I donโt know where I found the courage. The blood was pounding through my body and my hands quivered.
She responded as though I had not spoken.
โRight, so weโll keep in touch, yes? You carry on with your little project, and Iโll speak to you at the same time next week? Thatโs settled,
then. Must dash โ cheerio!โ
It was only when the air went dead that I noticed Iโd been crying.