BACK TO WORK!ย Aย cockerelโs dawn crowing had woken me from my slumbers. This glorious morning sound was powered by an AA battery and delivered through a tinny speaker, and was brought about by my setting my alarm clock the previous evening, rather than, as is the case in our avian friends, raised levels of testosterone and sunlight. It is fair to say that my bedroom is a testosterone and sunlight-free zone at present. But winter does pass, I told myself โ remember that, Eleanor. Glen was slumped over my feet on top of the duvet, keeping them warm as she did her best to ignore the alarm.
Excited at the prospect of the day ahead, I dressed in a new white blouse, a new black skirt, black tights and the boots Iโd got a while ago for a gig I should never have gone to. I looked smart, practical,ย normal. Yes, I was going back to work.
Years ago, one of the foster families I lived with had taken me, alongside their own children, on a โback-to-school shopping tripโ. All three of us were allowed to choose new shoes and a new schoolbag, and were kitted out with a brand-new uniform (even though my skirt and blazer from the previous year still fitted perfectly well). Best of all, the trip culminated with a visit to WHSmith, where the riches of the stationery aisle were ours to plunder. Even the most recondite items (set squares, butterfly pins, treasury tags: what were these for?) were permitted, and this booty was then zipped into a large, handsome pencil case which was mine, mine, mine. I am not generally a wearer of perfume, preferring to smell of plain soap and my natural musk, but, were it possible to purchase a bottle in which the scent of new pencil shavings and the petroleum reek of a freshly rubbed eraser were combined, I would happily douse myself with it on a daily basis.
I ate breakfast (porridge and a plum, as usual) and left in good time to catch the bus. Glen was still asleep, having moved under the duvet to occupy the warm space as soon as I vacated it. I left her some fresh water
and a big bowl of kibble but I doubted sheโd even notice Iโd gone until she heard my key in the lock again tonight. She was very easygoing that way (although not, it had to be said, in lots of other ways).
The walk to the bus stop was more interesting than I remembered, perhaps because I was seeing it with fresh eyes after such a long absence. There was an excessive amount of litter and no litter bins; these two facts were surely correlated. This part of the city was aggressively grey, but green life still struggled into being: moss on walls, weeds in guttering, the occasional forlorn tree. I have always lived in urban areas, but I feel the need for green as a visceral longing.
Just as I was about to reach the junction where I cross to catch the bus, I stopped dead, my eye drawn to a sly movement, a measured dash of brownish red. I breathed in, the morning air cold in my lungs. Under the orange glow of a streetlight, a fox was drinking a cup of coffee. He wasnโt holding it in his paws โ as has been clearly established, Iโm notย insaneย โ but, rather, had dipped his head to the ground and was lapping from a Starbucks cup. The fox sensed me watching, looked up and stared assertively into my eyes. โWhat of it?โ he seemed to be saying. โA morning cup of coffee, big deal!โ He went back to his beverage. Perhaps heโd had a particularly late night out by the bins, was finding it hard to get going on this cold, dark morning. I laughed out loud and walked on.
While Iโd been off, Bob had told me to pop into the office any time, or phone for a chat whenever I wanted. Last week, a few days before my sick note was due to expire, I was still undecided as to whether to revisit the doctor and seek an extension, or else return to work on the following Monday, so I had called him, not wanting to go into the office for fear of encountering intrusive questions from my co-workers without having prepared some appropriate responses first.
โEleanor!โ Bob had said. โGreat to hear from you! How are things?โ โThank you for the flowers,โ I said. โIโm fine โฆ thatโs to say, Iโm
much better, thank you, Bob. Itโs been difficult, but Iโve been making good progress.โ
โBrilliant,โ he said, โthatโs brilliant news! So, do you know when youโre, eh, when youโre likely to be back?โ I heard an intake of breath as he worried about what heโd just said. โNo rush, now โฆ no rush whatsoever. Iโm not pressuring you โ take as long as you need. Not until youโre absolutely ready.โ
โDonโt youย wantย me to come back, Bob?โ I said, daring an attempt at humour.
He snorted. โEleanor, the place has been falling apart without you! Jesus Christ, Billy hasnโt the first clue how to raise an invoice, and as for Janey โฆโ
โBob, Bob, I was joking,โ I said. I smiled, and I must admit to feeling slightly gratified at how poorly my colleagues had coped in my absence.
โA joke, Eleanor! Well, thatโs a great sign โ you must be on the mend, then,โ Bob said, sounding relieved, either because of the joke or because I was getting better โ or both, I supposed.
โIโll be back on Monday, Bob,โ I said. โIโm ready.โ My voice was firm, confident.
โGreat! And youโre sure itโs the right time? Och, thatโs grand, Eleanor,โ he said. โIโll look forward to seeing you on Monday, then.โ I could tell he was being genuine because of all the warmth that was coming down the phone. Your voice changes when youโre smiling, it alters the sound somehow.
โThank you very much for being so understanding about all of โฆ about everything, Bob,โ I said, a lump forming in my throat. โThank you for your support. Iโve been meaning to say โฆ Iโm sorry if I havenโt always been a very โฆ enthusiastic employee over the years โฆโ
โAch, away you go,โ he said, and I could almost picture him shaking his head. โThe place wouldnโt be the same without you, Eleanor, it really wouldnโt. Youโre an institution.โ
I heard his mobile phone ringing. He tutted.
โIโm so sorry, but Iโve got to get this, Eleanor โ itโs a new client. Now, you take care of yourself, and weโll see you on Monday, right?โ
โRight,โ I said.
I remember thinking, as I put the phone down, that I really, really hoped that Janey wouldnโt bring in one of her homemade cakes to mark my return, as she often did when people had been off. Dry doesnโt even come close to describing the arid desert texture of her coffee-and-walnut sponge.
When I arrived at work, the exterior of the office was as unenticing as ever, and I hesitated outside. I had been absent for almost two months, and heaven alone knew what sort of unsubstantiated rumours had abounded as to the reasons behind it. I had not given โ had not been
capable of giving โ a thought during that time to my spreadsheets, to accounts receivable, purchase orders and VAT. Could I still do my job? I wasnโt confident that I could remember anything. My password? Of course. Three words,ย Ignis aurum probat. โFire tests gold.โ The rest of the phrase: โโฆ and adversity tests the braveโ. How true. A strong password, strong indeed, exactly as required by the computer system. Thank you, Seneca.
Ah, but I felt the beginnings of a fluttery panic in my chest. I couldnโt do it. Could I? I wasnโt ready to face it. I would go home and telephone Bob, let him know that I would be taking another weekโs leave. Heโd understand.
There was a shuffling sound behind me on the path, and I quickly wiped away the tears that had formed while I was staring at the squat building before me. With no warning, I was pulled one hundred and eighty degrees around and crushed into an embrace. There was a lot of wool (hat, scarf, gloves) and scratchy bristles, and a smell of apples, soap and Marlboro Reds.
โEleanor!โ Raymond said. โSo thatโs what you meant when you said youโd see me soon.โ
I let myself be held, moved closer into the embrace in fact, because, I was forced to admit, at that particular time and in those particular circumstances, and feeling the way I did, the sensation of being held by him was nothing short of miraculous. I said nothing, and, very slowly, my arms crept up, tentative as winter sunlight, so that they were placed around his waist, the better to bury myself into the embrace. My face rested against his chest. He said nothing either, intuiting, perhaps, that what I needed most at that moment was that which he was already providing and precisely nothing more.
We stood this way for some moments, and then I stepped back and rearranged my hair, wiped my eyes. I looked at my watch. โYouโre ten minutes late for work, Raymond,โ I said.
He laughed. โSo are you!โ He stepped forward again, peered closely at me. I stared back at him, rather like the fox had done earlier.
He nodded. โCome on,โ he said, holding out his arm, โweโre both late now. Letโs go in. I donโt know about you, but I could really do with a cup of tea, eh?โ
I linked my arm through his and he walked me inside, all the way to the door of the accounts office. I disengaged from him there as quickly
as I could, anxious that someone might see us together like this. He bent down and put his face close to mine, speaking in rather a paternal manner (at least, I assume thatโs what it was โ fathers are hardly my area of expertise, after all).
โNow then,โ he said, โhereโs whatโs going to happen. Youโre going to walk in there, hang up your coat, put the kettle on and get started. No oneโs going to make a fuss, and there wonโt be any drama โ itโll be like youโve never been away.โ
He nodded once, as if to reinforce his point. โBut what ifโโ
He spoke over me. โHonestly, Eleanor โ trust me. Itโs going to be absolutely fine. Youโve been unwell, you took some time off to get better, and now here you are, back in the fray. Youโre great at your job, and theyโll be over the moon to have you back. End of,โ he said, earnest, sincere. Kind.
I did actually feel better after he said this โ quite a bit better. โThank you, Raymond,โ I said quietly.
He punched me on the arm โ gently, not a real punch โ and smiled. โWeโre so late!โ he said, eyes wide in faux horror. โMeet you for lunch
at one?โ
I nodded.
โGo on then, get in there, give โem hell!โ he said, smiling, and then he was off, lumbering upstairs like a circus elephant learning a new trick. I cleared my throat, smoothed down my skirt, and opened the door.
First things first: before I went to my desk and faced everyone, I had to have the dreaded back-to-work interview. Iโd never had one before, but Iโd heard the others muttering about them in the past. Apparently, HR forced you to have a meeting with your boss if youโd been off for more than a couple of days, ostensibly to make sure you were fully recovered and fit for work, and to see if any adjustments needed to be made to ensure you stayed well. In reality, however, the popular view tended towards this process having been designed to intimidate, to discourage absence, and to check whether youโd been โ what was the word? โ ah yes,ย skiving. Those people didnโt have Bob as a boss, however. Only the section managers reported to Bob. I was one of them now, the Praetorian Guard, the elect. Bob was an odd kind of emperor, though.
He stood up and kissed me on the cheek, and while he hugged me, his little pot belly pressed against me and made me want to laugh. He patted my back a few times. The whole thing was excruciatingly embarrassing, but really, really nice.
He made me a cup of tea and fussed around with biscuits, making sure I was comfortable.
โNow then, this interview. Itโs nothing to worry about, Eleanor, a formality โ HR give me a hard time if I donโt do these things, you know what itโs like.โ He made a face. โWe just need to ticky boxyโ (what?) โand sign the form, and then Iโll let you get back to it.โ
He was slurping from a mug of coffee and had spilled some down his shirt front. Bob wore thin shirts, a vest visible beneath, which added to the overall impression of an overgrown schoolboy. We went through a list of insultingly banal prescribed questions from a form. It was, to the visible relief of us both, a painless if somewhat tedious process.
โRight then,โ he said, โthatโs that done, thank Christ. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about? Itโs a bit soon to get into specifics, I know,โ he said. โWe can meet again tomorrow when youโve had a chance to get up to speed with everything, if you like?โ
โThe Christmas lunch,โ I said, โis it all arranged now?โ
He screwed up his little round face, and swore in a most uncherubic fashion.
โI totally forgot about that!โ he said. โThere were so many other things to sort out, and it just kind of, I donโt know, slipped off my radar. Shit
โฆโ
โFear not, Bob,โ I said. โI shall address it post haste.โ I paused. โI mean, after Iโve caught up with all the accounts, of course.โ
Bob looked worried. โAre you sure? I really donโt want to put any extra pressure on you, Eleanor โ youโre just back, and Iโm sure youโll have more than enough on your plate โฆโ
โNo problemo, Bob,โ I said confidently, giving him a double thumbs- up sign, thereby trying out a favourite phrase and gesture of Raymondโs for the first time. Bobโs eyebrows shot up. I hoped I had used them correctly, and in the appropriate context. Iโm very good with words as a rule, but this sort of thing does, I must confess, trip me up sometimes.
โWell, if youโre one hundred per cent sure โฆโ he said, not, it must be noted, sounding particularly sure himself.
โAbsolutely, Bob.โ I nodded. โEverything will be confirmed and arrangements put in place by the end of the week. You can count on it.โ
โAh, well, thatโd be brilliant,โ he said, scribbling on the form, which he then passed to me. โI just need you to fill in that section at the bottom, and thatโs us done,โ he said. I signed with a flourish. I donโt have much opportunity to use my signature in day-to-day life, which is rather a pity, as I have a very interesting โJohn Hancockโ, as our cousins across the pond would have it. I donโt mean to boast. Itโs just that almost everyone whoโs seen it has remarked on how unusual, how special it is. Personally, I donโt see what all the fuss is about. Anyone could write an โOโ as a snail shell spiral if they wished to, after all, and using a mixture of upper and lower case letters is simply good sense โ it ensures that the signature is difficult to forge. Personal security, data security: so important.
When I finally sat down at my desk, the first thing I noticed was the flowers. Theyโd been obscured by the monitor as Iโd approached, but now I saw the vase (well, it was actually a pint glass; the office never had enough vases, cake knives or champagne flutes, despite employees celebrating life events on what seemed to be a weekly basis). It was filled with blooms, sea holly and agapanthus and iris, and it was glorious.
An envelope was propped against the arrangement, and I slowly opened the seal. There was a card inside, a stunning photograph of a red squirrel eating a hazelnut on the front. Inside, someone (Bernadette, I suspected, from the childlike scrawl) had written WELCOME BACK ELEANOR! and a multitude of signatures, accompanied by Best Wishes or Love, were scattered across both sides. I was somewhat taken aback. Love! Best wishes! I wasnโt at all sure what to think.
Still mulling this over, I switched on my computer. There were so many unanswered emails that I went straight to todayโs, thinking that Iโd simply delete all the others. The senders would get in touch again if they were important, surely. The most recent one, sent only ten minutes ago, was from Raymond. The subject heading read: READ ME!!!
Thought Iโd better put that as u probs have about ten billion unread messages in your inbox right now LOL. I meant to say the other afternoon, Iโve got two tickets to a concert, itโs classical music, I dunno if you like that sort of thing but I kind of thought you might? Itโs two weeks on Saturday if youโre free โ maybe go for something to eat afterwards?
See you @ lunch
Rx
Before I had a chance to reply, I realized that my colleagues had assembled in a circle around my desk without my noticing. I looked up at them. Their expressions ranged from bored to benevolent. Janey looked mildly concerned.
โWe know you donโt like a fuss, Eleanor,โ she said, having clearly been nominated as spokeswoman. โWe just wanted to say that weโre glad youโre feeling better, and, yโknow, welcome back!โ There were nods, murmured assent. As speeches went, it was hardly Churchillian, but it was yet another very kind and thoughtful gesture.
I wasnโt one for public oratory, but I sensed that they would not be satisfied without a few words.
โThank you very much indeed for the flowers and the card and the good wishes,โ I said, eventually, eyes on my desk while I spoke. There was a bit of a silence that no one, and certainly not me, quite knew how to fill. I looked up at them.
โWell,โ I said, โI donโt suppose those overdue invoices are going to process themselves, are they?โ
โSheโs back!โ Billy said, and there was laughter, including my own.
Yes. Eleanor Oliphant was back.