Casey revved the engine as I climbed into her mother’s ancient pickup truck. Miss Waller (formerly Mrs. Blithe; she went back to her maiden name after the divorce) could have had a much nicer vehicle. Back when she was married to Casey’s dad, they’d had plenty of money. Mr. Blithe had offered to buy her a Lexus, but she’d refused. She loved the rickety old Chevy, which she’d gotten her junior year of high school. Her daughter, on the other hand, despised it. Especially since it was the only vehicle she got to drive.
Casey definitely wouldn’t have turned her dad’s Lexus down.
Unfortunately, Mr. Blithe had lost what generosity he ever possessed after the divorce was finalized.
She was gazing through her windshield at the almost-mansion while I pulled on my seat belt. She had pink pajamas decorated with green frogs on under her jacket, and her short hair stuck up in every direction. Unlike me, Casey could make looking like crap seem cute and sexy. She didn’t even have to try.
“Hi,” I said.
She looked over at me. Her eyes swept across my face—already searching for telltale signs of trouble—and her forehead wrinkled. After a short staring contest, she turned away and put the truck into drive, struggling a little with the stick shift. “Okay,” she said as we pulled out of the driveway. “What’s going on? And don’t tell me things are fine, because I got my ass up at seven a.m., and I might just wring your neck if you don’t give me a real answer.”
“Oh, yes, because resorting to threats always gets me talking.”
“Don’t give me that bullshit,” Casey growled. “You’re just avoiding the subject, which you do a lot. That might work with Jess, but you should know damn well by now that it won’t throw me off one bit. Now explain. Start with why I just picked you up at Wesley’s house.”
“Because I stayed the night.”
“Yeah, I figured that much out on my own.”
I bit my lip, not completely sure why I was still hiding the truth. I mean, it wasn’t as if I could keep the truth from her for much longer. She’d have it pieced together soon enough, so why not just spill it now? Now that Wesley and I were over, anyway. Was lying—or withholding, really—just instinctive
now? After all these weeks of secrecy, had I developed a habit?
And if I had, wasn’t it about time to break it?
She sighed and the truck slowed a little. “Tell me the truth, Bianca, because I’m pretty confused right now. Confused and annoyed. Last time I checked, you hated Wesley Rush. And I mean hated.”
“I did,” I said. “I still do… sort of.”
“ ‘Sort of ’? Jesus, stop dancing around the answers. Look, you’ve been ditching Jess and me for weeks. We barely see you anymore because you don’t do shit with us. Jess won’t say it, but she seriously thinks you don’t like us anymore. She’s upset, and I’m pissed because you’ve totally abandoned us. You’re always distracted and zoning out. And you dance around our fucking questions! Damn it, Bianca, give me some answers here… please.” The anger in her voice broke into a small plea of desperation. She lowered her voice. “Please, tell me what’s going on with you.”
My heart ached as guilt wrapped around my chest like a boa constrictor. I let out a long breath, knowing I couldn’t lie anymore. At least not about this. “We’ve been sleeping together.”
“Who? You and Wesley?” “Yeah.”
“Since when?” “End of January.”
Casey was quiet for a long moment. Then, after it sank in, she asked, “If you hate him, why have you been hooking up with him?”
“Because… it made me feel better. With all of the drama with my parents and then Jake showing up and all… I just needed to distract myself. I wanted to escape from it all… you know, in a nonsuicidal way. Sleeping with Wesley just seemed like a decent idea at the time.” I stared out the window, not wanting to see the expression on her face. I was sure she’d be disappointed in me. Or, in a sick way, maybe even proud of me.
“So… is that where you’ve been for the past month?” she asked. “Is that why you’ve been bailing on us? You’ve been with Wesley?”
“Yeah,” I murmured. “Every time things got to be too much, he was just there. I could relieve the stress without freaking you or Jessica out. It seemed like a decent idea. Then I was addicted… but it all caught up with me, and now things suck worse than ever.”
“OMG, are you pregnant?”
I gritted my teeth and turned around to face her. “No, Casey, I’m not fucking pregnant.” Was she serious? “God, I’m smart enough to use a condom, and I’ve been on birth control for, like, three freaking years, okay?”
“Okay, okay,” Casey said. “You’re not pregnant… thank God. But if that’s
not the problem, why do things suck worse?”
“Well, for one, you’re pissed at me… and I like Wesley.” “Well, duh, you are screwing him.”
“No, I mean…” I shook my head and turned to look out the window again.
The little suburban houses of Hamilton sped past us, simple and clean. Surrounded by their innocent picket fences. I would have killed to be simple and clean like these little houses. Instead, I felt complicated and dirty and tainted. “I don’t like him,” I explained. “He annoys the hell out of me ninety- six percent of the time, and sometimes I’d like nothing better than to strangle him to death. But at the same time I… I want him to be happy. I think about him way more than I should, and I—”
“You love him.”
“No!” I shouted, spinning around to face her. “No, no, no! I do not love him, okay? Love is rare and hard to find and takes years upon years to develop. Teenagers don’t fall in love. I don’t love Wesley.”
“Fine,” Casey said. “But you have feelings for him, right?” “Yeah.”
She glanced at me before turning back to the road, half grinning. “I knew it. I mean… all those jokes I made about it were just teasing, but I knew something would happen after you kissed him.”
“Shut up,” I muttered. “This sucks.” “Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why is it a bad thing? So what if you have feelings for him. Isn’t that supposed to be great and exciting and give you butterflies in your tummy or whatever?”
“No,” I said. “It’s not great or exciting. It’s terrible. It’s excruciating.” “But why?”
“Because he’ll never like me back!” God, wasn’t it obvious? Couldn’t she put two and two together? “He’ll never care about me that way, Casey. I’m wasting my time even thinking that it’s possible.”
“Why won’t he like you back?” she asked.
Did she have a million questions or what? “Stop.”
“No, I’m being serious, B,” Casey pushed. “I’m pretty sure you can’t read minds or see into the future, so I don’t see how you know that he won’t ever like you. Why wouldn’t he?”
“You don’t like me very much right now,” I pointed out.
“I’ll get over it,” she said. “Well, eventually. But seriously, what’s stopping Wesley from liking you back?”
“I’m the Duff.”
“Sorry. The what?” “Duff.”
“Is that even a word?”
“The designated ugly fat friend,” I sighed. “The unattractive girl in the group. That’s me.”
“That’s stupid.”
“Is it?” I snapped. “Is it really that stupid, Casey? Look at you. Look at Jessica. You two look like you jumped out of an issue of Teen Vogue. I can’t compete with that. So, yeah, I’m the fucking Duff.”
“You are not. Who told you that?” “Wesley.”
“You’re shitting me!” “Nope.”
“Before or after you fucked him?” “Before.”
“Well then, he didn’t mean it,” Casey said. “He’s been sleeping with you, right? So he must find you attractive.”
I snorted. “Look who you’re talking about, Casey. Wesley isn’t particularly picky when it comes to sex. I could look like a gorilla, and he still wouldn’t hesitate to fuck me, but dating me is a totally different situation. He wouldn’t even date a girl on the Skinny Squad—”
“I really hate it when you call us that.”
“—but me? He would never be the boyfriend of a Duff.”
“Seriously, Bianca,” Casey said. “You are not the Duff. If any of us is the Duff, it’s me.”
“Funny.”
“I’m not joking,” she insisted. “I’m still mad at you, so why would I go out of my way to be nice? I mean, I’m like freaking Bigfoot. I’m six one now! Most guys have to look up to see my face, and no guy likes being shorter than a chick. At least you’re cute and petite. I’d kill to be your height… and to have your eyes. You have way prettier eyes than me.”
I didn’t say anything. I was sure she’d gone insane. How the hell could she be the Duff? Even in her frog pajamas she looked like she’d just stepped off the set of America’s Next Top Model.
“If Wesley can’t see how adorable you are, he doesn’t deserve you,” she said.
“You just need to move on. Put Wesley out of your mind.” Yeah, right. Move on to who? Who would want me?
Nobody.
But I couldn’t say that to Casey. It would probably just start another stupid
fight, and we hadn’t really finished the first one yet, so I just nodded. “So… what about the Tucker kid?”
I looked at her, surprised. “Toby? What about him?”
“You’ve had a crush on him forever,” she reminded me. “And I saw you all over him in the cafeteria yesterday—”
“He hugged me,” I interjected. “That is hardly me being all over him.”
She rolled her eyes. God, I was really rubbing off on her. “Whatever. The point is, you were getting cozy with Toby, but now you’re suddenly in—”
I shot her a warning glare.
“—you suddenly like Wesley,” she finished. “What’s your point?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” she sighed. “It’s just… I feel like you’ve kept so much from me. Like so much has changed so fast with you. I feel really in the dark right now.”
More guilt. Great. She was laying it on thick today, but I guess I deserved
it.
“Not that much has changed,” I assured her. “I still have a crush on
Toby… not that it matters. We’re just friends. He hugged me yesterday because he got into the college he wanted and was really happy. I wish it had been more, but it wasn’t. And the thing with Wesley is just… it’s stupid. It’s over. We can pretend it never happened. I’d prefer that, actually.”
“What about your parents? The divorce? You haven’t even brought it up since the day after Valentine’s.”
“Everything’s fine,” I lied. “The divorce is still happening. My parents are fine.”
She gave me a skeptical look before turning back to the road. She knew I was full of shit, but for once she didn’t push it. Finally, after a long moment, she spoke again. Luckily, she changed the subject.
“Okay. So where the hell is your car?” “At school,” I said. “The battery’s dead.”
“That blows. I guess you’ll have to get your dad to go fix it.” “Yeah,” I muttered. If I can get him sober for more than ten seconds.
There was a long silence. After a few minutes, I decided to swallow the little pride I had left. “I’m sorry I called you a bitch yesterday.”
“You should be. You also called me a preppy cheerleader snob.” “Sorry. Are you still mad at me?”
“Yeah,” she said. “I mean, not as much as I was yesterday, but… it really hurt, Bianca. Jess and I have been so worried about you, and you barely talk to either of us anymore. I kept asking and asking if you wanted to go out, and you totally blew me off. Then I saw you talking to Toby when you were
supposed to be talking to me, and… I was kind of jealous. Not in a creepy way, but… I’m supposed to be your best friend, you know? It felt like you just tossed me aside. And now it really bothers me that you started sleeping with Wesley instead of just talking to me.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled.
“Stop saying that. Don’t just be sorry,” she said. “Sorry doesn’t change the future. Next time, think about me. And Jess, too. We need you, B. And just remember that we’re here for you, and we care about you… for some ungodly reason.”
I cracked a little smile. “I’ll remember.”
“Just don’t abandon me again, okay?” The words came out in a weak murmur. “Even with Jess, I was really lonely without you… and I didn’t have anyone cool to drive me around. Do you know how much it sucks to have Vikki as your chauffer? She almost hit some poor old dude on a bike the other day. Did I tell you that story?”
We drove around Hamilton for a while, just wasting gas and catching up on what we’d missed. Casey had a crush on a basketball player. I was acing English. Nothing too personal. Casey knew my secret now—or part of it— and she wasn’t mad at me anymore… well, not that mad at me. She assured me I had a lot of groveling to do before we were totally good again.
We drove around until her mom called at ten, demanding to know where her truck was, and Casey had to take me home.
“Are you going to tell Jessica about this?” she asked quietly as she turned onto my street. “About Wesley?”
“I don’t know.” I took a deep breath, deciding that keeping secrets wasn’t the best idea. It had only fucked things up so far. “Look, you can tell her. Tell her everything if you want. But I don’t want to talk about it. I just kind of want to forget about this if I can.”
“I understand,” Casey said. “I think she should know. I mean, she is our best friend… but I’ll tell her you’re moving on. Because that’s what you’re doing, right?”
“Right,” I murmured.
I couldn’t help feeling anxious when she pulled into my driveway. I stared at the oak front door, at the shuttered windows that looked in on my living room, and at our simple, clean, picket-fenced yard. I’d never realized what a mask my family lived behind.
Then I thought of Dad.
“I’ll see you Monday,” I said, looking away so she couldn’t see the worry on my face.
Then I slid out of the truck and started walking toward my house.
