HALLE
THERE’S A PART OF ME that hopes that when I answer the knocking at my front door that it will be Henry with his shit together, but deep down I know that it isn’t.
I don’t get many visitors, so it’s a surprise when I open my front door and 1nd a woman I don’t immediately recognize standing on the other side of it. I say don’t recognize, but as she smiles at me and holds up her hand to wave awkwardly, I realize of course I know who she is.
“I’m so sorry to turn up like this, Halle,” she says. “I’m Anastasia. Henry might have, well I hope he has, mentioned me before. He’s talked about you so much I feel like I already know you.”
“Oh my God, yes. Hi.” I feel a little starstruck. Henry talks about Anastasia so much I feel like she’s famous, but I’ve never met her in person because she’s always so busy. Then my stomach drops, because why is she here?
“Everything is 1ne,” she says quickly. “Sorry, you just looked panicked. I’m just looking for Henry. He isn’t at home, and I guess I was just hoping he was with you. He hasn’t been answering my calls, and I’m just worried about him.”
“He isn’t here. He told me he was going to his parents’ house,” I say, quickly putting her out of her misery. “We haven’t talked, either. He said he wanted time to himself.”
Anastasia nods, folding her arms to hug herself. “I’ve been really wrapped up in myself this year. I have a lot on my plate and my boyfriend moved to Vancouver, and I guess what I’m trying to say in a really long-winded way is I’m sorry I haven’t found the time to meet you until now. I know you mean a lot to
Henry. I’m really happy he has you, and I’d tell him that again if he would stop shutting me out.”
In a way, hearing Henry isn’t answering her calls makes me feel marginally better, even though I recognize that’s a horrible way to feel. I think hearing that Henry is doing what he said he was going to do gives me the smallest bit of hope that things will work out.
“We kind of almost met last year. We were at the same party, and I saw you were talking to Henry, but we didn’t really know each other then, so I thought you were his girlfriend.”
Anastasia laughs in a way that would be better described as a cackle. “Girlfriend? He’d rather be celibate for the rest of his life. Henry only likes tall girls like, well, you. You’re Henry’s perfect type. He once told me I didn’t have enough ass to be able to justify my attitude, and that he was going to invoice me for physiotherapy since he was getting a bad neck from always looking at the ground when he’s forced to talk to me. So, de1nitely not girlfriend material.”
“That’s so harsh!” I say, but I can’t help but laugh because I can hear him saying it. Aurora once said that Henry talks to me diIerently compared to how he talks to everyone else, but I didn’t quite believe her until right now. “But to be fair, not unexpected. He told Lola she needed to 1nish growing if she wanted to be able to talk down to him, so it checks out.”
“He once had a very serious conversation with Kris about the medical logistics of height enhancements. When I told them they were ridiculous, he asked me hypothetically, if it guaranteed I stopped falling on my ass during practice, would I do it? Because he counted, and he thinks I’m above average on the ass-to-ice ratio. Not gonna lie, thought about it for a hot second.”
“That is… so random. Why would Kris be doing medical experiments?” “Because he’s premed,” she says, looking at me funny. “Didn’t you know?
I’m not judging you. The idea of human life being in Kris’s hands terrifies me. I
thought everyone was pranking me when they 1rst told me. I forced Kris to show me his class schedule.”
“That is terrifying.” Joy circles my feet, so I immediately pick her up to prevent her from escaping. “Sorry, do you want to come in?”
“I’m good. I’m sorry to randomly drop in on you. I’m just worried about him and I could trade ridiculous stories about all of them all day. I think I’m projecting, because I feel guilty about not spending a lot of time with people this year,” she says. “If you speak to him could you get him to return my calls? I just want to know that he isn’t spiraling.”
“If you text him and tell him you’re about to show up at his parents’ house I’m sure he’ll text you back.”
Her hands go to her waist, her demeanor switching into something more awkward. “He’ll know I’m lying. I’ve never been and I don’t even know where it is. Do you have the address?”
I shake my head. “I only went once, and I slept in the car because I was sick. I’m sorry. Should I be more worried? Honestly? He promised me he’d get in touch with me when he felt better, and I’ve just kinda told myself that I’m not going to have a total emotional breakdown over a man who says he’s coming back. Mainly because if he turns up here and I’m crying over him he’ll call me dramatic. Has he done this before?”
She shakes her head frantically. “No, please don’t stress yourself out because of me. Do you have siblings?”
“Yeah, I have three.”
“I’m an only child, but Henry feels like what I imagine having a brother is like. He isn’t great at working out when he’s on a downward spiral, but he’s learned that if he removes himself from the situation he can basically, like, process it all better. I’m still going to stress about him. I can’t help it. But like I said, it’s mostly guilt.”
“I get the sister guilt, so I know exactly what you mean. I struggled with it a lot the 1rst year living away from home. I’ll make sure he checks in when I next hear from him.”
“I really hope we get more chances to hang out properly before I graduate. I really want to know you, Halle.”
I watch as Anastasia climbs into her car and drives oI, leaving me analyzing if she meant what she said because she thinks I’ll still be around, or if she was just being polite.
WHEN I WAS LEAVING HENRY’S house after agreeing to give him as much time as he needs, I told him there was no pressure to keep me updated.
I know that the simplest of tasks can feel like a heavy weight to him, and he will ruminate for hours over completing it when he isn’t in a great frame of mind. I told him I’d rather he concentrates on feeling better than trying to keep me up to date with how he feels when he might not be able to explain it.
It was the right thing for me to say, but I still miss him. I’m wondering if Anastasia found him, and if I should have been the one trying to track him down instead of sticking to what I said.
I feel foolish more than anything. Maybe his other friends are what he needs right now and I’m not. I’m ashamed to admit that the idea that he could be out with his friends having dinner or something while I’m at home worrying makes me sad. Especially because I’m not supposed to be worrying.
Not sad because I don’t want him to feel better, and a genuine part of that might be to get out with his hockey friends, but because Will’s arrogant voice is playing on a loop in my head, and I can’t get it to stop.
I promised myself I wasn’t going to do this. I’m not going to sink the ship because the waters are rough. I am too good at 1xing everyone else’s problems to fail when I have my own. I’m making my own rule book, and the 1rst thing on the list is that I’m not going to make myself upset over hypothetical situations.
Will told me that Henry would get bored of me. He told me that they were always going to be his friends, and I’d lose them, like I lost his, when Henry decided he didn’t want me anymore. It’s that thought that’s been plaguing me, even though it went against rule number two, which was never thinking about Will, but it’s the reason I’m so surprised when I answer the knock at my front door and Aurora, Emilia, Poppy, and Cami are standing on my doorstep.
I’ve had more unexpected visitors this week than I’ve had the entire time I’ve lived in Maple Hills. I take one look at Aurora and my heart drops. “Oh my God, Aurora, I’m so sorry I forgot about your group project.”
She looks stunned. “What? No! I don’t care about that! That’s not why I’m here!”
“This is an ambush,” Poppy says, immediately lunging forward to give me a hug.
I look at the rest of them through a face full of Poppy’s curls. Cami holds up something behind Emilia’s head. “But it’s an ambush that comes with wine.”
“And Kenny’s wings,” Emilia adds, holding up two paper bags with the familiar Kenny’s branding. “Or some weird tofu vegan thing Aurora has if you’re feeling especially masochistic today.”
“You’re the only lesbian I know who doesn’t like tofu. Lesbians love tofu,”
Aurora says, holding up her own paper bag.
“I’m not sure you’re quali1ed to make such sweeping statements, Ror,” Emilia says, side-eyeing her. “Especially when your data pool is me and Poppy.”
“If this is a safe space to speak my truth, love is too big a statement to make. I can tolerate tofu.”
“Guys,” Cami says. “The ambush.”
“We want to check that you’re okay, and make sure you’re eating and drinking, and whatever else you like to do but might not be doing,” Poppy says, almost like she’s reciting something from memory, making me think it was pre- agreed. “We hope it’s okay to just randomly show up, but we thought you might not be honest if we only texted. So here we are. Ambushing.”
I realize I’m just observing from my doorstep like a weird out-of-body experience. The four of them look at me expectantly. “Do you want to come in?”
Closing the door behind them, I consider if there’s some kind of visit-Halle memo that I didn’t get as we all head into my living room. I follow them into the kitchen and watch like some kind of lingering ghost as they work to get 1ve plates, 1ve glasses, napkins, and ranch dressing.
“This is the cutest kitchen I’ve ever seen in my life,” Aurora says. “I’m obsessed.”
“So fun, right?” Cami says, running her hand along the window curtains.
I want to tell them that I’ve thought about changing it so many times but can’t bring myself to say goodbye to something so quintessentially part of my nana and who she was. She would have loved the idea of the four of them plating up wings and pouring wine while admiring her handiwork. This is what she imagined when we planned for me to move in with her, and she was so excited to be one of the girls.
What wasn’t part of her vision, or mine actually, was for me to start randomly crying because I have the thing I’ve always wanted but it feels like sand escaping through my 1ngers.
I’m not sure who is the 1rst to hug me, or the last, but one by one the four of them wrap their arms around me. “Oh, Halle,” Cami says softly. “I’m sorry things are weird right now.”
They let go of me and take a step back, giving me space to wipe beneath my eyes. “Do you guys know something I don’t?”
“No! But let’s go sit down. Here, take your wine,” she says, handing me a very full glass. We take seats in the living room, Aurora and me on chairs opposite each other, and the other three on the couch with Joy. “I saw Stassie in the library this morning and she said she stopped by yesterday. I won’t sugarcoat it, Hals. She said that you looked really fucking sad. Henry told Russ and Robbie he was going to stay somewhere else for a while to feel better, so we all assumed he was here with you.”
It’s almost funny that Anastasia said I looked sad when I de1nitely thought I was holding it together.
“That’s why we didn’t check in sooner,” Cami adds. “We thought you guys were just hiding out together.”
“No, we agreed on a little bit of space,” I explain. “I’m sorry for crying. Will just got into my head saying that I’d lose all of you as soon as Henry got bored with me, and that he would get bored with me, and—”
“Disrespectfully, fuck Will,” Cami says harshly. “That guy is a jerk, and he has no idea what he’s talking about.”
“You know I adore Henry, Halle. He’s Russ’s closest friend and he’s done so much for him. So you know when I say this it comes from a place of love—” My stomach sinks at Aurora’s words because I feel the but coming. “But I’m your friend. I don’t care if you guys are married or never going to talk again, I am in your corner. But Henry isn’t bored with you. I don’t even know what’s going on with him because nobody tells me anything. I’m not in their inner circle and I’m cool with that. I have my own inner circle and so do you. It’s us. We’re the circle.”
“If I bow out of having to listen to your problems, does the circle become a square?” Emilia asks Aurora.
“I bet the real Spice Girls never had to put up with this bullshit. Serious question: why do men?” Cami says, taking a long sip from her wineglass.
Emilia and Poppy 1st bump, and their closeness makes me miss Henry even more.
“Why am I so bad at keeping the promises I make to myself? I swore I wasn’t going to be upset over this. After my mom and stepdad left early, I cleaned this entire place. I did all my homework, and I did all the prep work for book club for the next two months. I was handling it. And now I’m being pathetic.”
“You’re not pathetic,” Poppy says immediately. “You’re just probably a tiny little bit in love with him.”
“I feel pathetic missing someone because of a few days without talking after this was only supposed to be a short-term arrangement anyway,” I say, taking a sip from my own glass.
“As someone who misses someone they have no business missing, I feel quali1ed to tell you that you don’t get to control how you feel about stuI like that,” Cami says. “If you’re pathetic, I’m pathetic. I honestly believe we’re too hot to be considered pathetic, but who cares if we are. Maybe we’re just cursed with big emotions. It’s okay to feel things.”
“What do you mean ‘arrangement,’” Aurora says, and I have a split second to decide whether to trust my friends or lie. Given they’ve turned up here to look out for me, it feels unfair not to tell the truth.
“When Will broke up with me, I promised myself I’d put myself 1rst because I had to sacri1ce a lot of my time and happiness when we were together. There’s this 1ction competition I wanted to enter to win a place in a writing course during the summer, but because I’ve been so sheltered, my lack of life experience was just so clear in everything I wrote.”
“Oh, I saw that on the bulletin board. The one in New York, right?”
I nod. “Henry felt sorry for me, I guess, and he was struggling with Professor Thornton’s class, so we agreed that I’d help him if he helped give me life experiences. It sounds so silly now when I say it out loud to other people.”
“It isn’t silly,” Poppy says, trying to reassure me. “It kinda makes perfect sense. The only thing that doesn’t is you thinking it was because Henry felt sorry for you. He obviously liked you from the start.”
“You wrote a book and didn’t tell me? When you know I love reading?”
Aurora says, practically jumping out of her seat. “Did you submit already? Can I read it?”
Emilia tsks and I watch her roll her eyes. “Way to not make this about you, Ror.”
An uncomfortable heat prickles up my neck. “No and no. I haven’t 1nished the third act, and the rest is basically a whole-ass mess that needs to be heavily edited. I didn’t prioritize it; I got distracted with Henry, and you guys, and being unwell, and yeah. It wouldn’t have won anyway, so no big deal.”
“When does the competition close?” Poppy asks.
“Like, just over three weeks. It’s the Sunday before spring break week starts, but I would need to be done the week before because there’s an author bio and a cover letter I’d need to write. And I’d need to submit on Thursday because I Ry back to Phoenix to go on vacation with my family and Will’s family on Friday.”
“You’re still going on vacation with him?” It’s like a cartoon as I watch all four of their jaws drop at the same time.
“I’m not going to talk to him. But I miss my family. I miss my little sisters so much, and the alternative is staying here and being lonely.”
“It isn’t.” Aurora shakes her head, rubbing her temple with her 1ngers. “Let’s deal with one blazing wild1re at a time.”
“Halle, you have to submit this book. Even if it’s totally rubbish, which it won’t be because I don’t believe you’re capable of that,” Cami says. “Even your system notes at work are beautifully crafted. But the point is, you owe it to yourself. You can 1nish this book; I believe in you.”
“But I don’t even know how to end it,” I admit. “I’ve had an idea this whole time and now it just doesn’t feel right, so I don’t know what to do.”
“Go with your heart,” Aurora says. I want to tell her my heart is kind of busy being bruised at the moment. “Just start typing and see what happens. That’ll be the story you want to tell. And send me what you have so far. I can start editing it while you 1nish the rest.”
“Me, too,” Emilia says. “I love being a grammar nerd.”
“I am not a book or grammar girl, but I’ll make sure you’re fed and hydrated. I’m also fucking amazing at giving massages if your back and neck get sore,” Cami adds.
“I’ve been writing emails for my mom since I learned to spell,” Poppy says, laughing, and that task feels so familiar to me. “I can do the bones of your cover letter if you let me know what you want to say. Then you can just edit it to suit your style. We can do this, Halle.”
“I don’t want to waste anyone’s time just for me not to win,” I say honestly. “Girl, shut up,” Cami says, shooting me a look that tells me she’s saying it
with love. “We’re 1nishing this book.”
My instincts are telling me to say I don’t need their help, that I’ll do it all on my own. But in reality, that isn’t what I want. I need help and I need support, and having a group of friends who oIer that is what I’ve always wanted.
This whole time I’ve craved more super1cial experiences like shopping and getting ready together. I’ve called it girlhood because to me it represented what I missed growing up. What younger Halle desperately wanted. But as we’ve grown closer and our lives have intertwined, I know I was so wrong. This is sisterhood. This is women supporting other women to meet their goals. This is what I’ve yearned for, and I didn’t even know.
I nod enthusiastically, which somehow snowballs into me laughing kind of chaotically. “Okay, let’s do it. But we’re going to need more wine.”
