HALLE
“I THINK WE SHOULD BREAK up, Halle.”
Will’s somber expression looks ridiculous against the backdrop of my kitchen. The frills and Rorals once picked by my nana, always too sentimental and nostalgic for me to replace. Lemon-yellow cabinets, a DIY project undertaken after she learned to mix dry martinis at home with Mrs. Astor from next door. Joy, the Ragdoll cat Nana bought to celebrate me moving in, snoozing on the breakfast bar surrounded by crochet 1sh. The smell of the second batch of croissants, because I always ruin the 1rst.
It’s all too domestic. Too unserious. Too normal to warrant his rigidness.
His eyes follow my every move as I remove the This Is Me Baking apron he bought for my birthday, like he’s waiting for me to have some kind of dramatic outburst. The tightness in his jaw accentuates the sharp angles of his face, and he looks nothing like the laid-back guy I’ve dated for the past year, and even less like my friend of ten years. No, this Will looks very much like a man on the edge.
After hanging my apron on the hook beside the stove, I pull a stool toward me so we can sit opposite each other at the breakfast bar. When I rest my face on my palm, I’m not sure if I’m intentionally mirroring him or if this is the result of knowing each other so long.
He reaches across the counter and takes my hand in his, giving it a tight squeeze, an encouragement. “Say something, Hals. I still want to be your friend.”
I need to say something. What I lack in experience, I make up for in common sense, so I’m fairly con1dent that breakups are a two-way conversation. I squeeze
his hand back so I at least appear to be engaging with him. “Okay.”
This isn’t how I imagined my 1rst breakup would go. I never expected to feel… nothing? I thought I’d physically feel my heart crack in my chest. That the birds would stop singing and the skies would turn gray, and while there is the emptiness I once imagined, it’s somehow not the same. I’m not necessarily sure it’s normal to imagine your 1rst heartbreak, but I thought mine would be the tiniest bit interesting at least. But sadly, in line with my love life as a whole, this is bland. Nothing shatters and the sky is the same blue it always is here in Los Angeles.
“You don’t need to hold back, Hals. You can be honest about how you feel.” His encouragement to speak my mind almost makes this whole thing worse.
Taking my hand from his, I press my palms into my thighs and weigh the best way to tackle this. “I’m not. You’re right; I don’t think we’re supposed to be more than friends.”
Will blinks twice, hard. “You agree? You’re not upset?”
I get the overwhelming sense that Will wants me to be upset, and I can’t say I blame him. I’d be happy to be upset because at least if I was, I could believe that I’m capable of falling in love.
Because I really, really wanted to fall in love with him.
I’m not a person who struggles with words, but right now you wouldn’t be able to tell that about me. I have no desire to hurt Will, which is why it’s so hard to 1nd the right thing to say. I’m honestly beginning to regret not faking an emotional outburst.
“It’s not that I’m not upset; I just don’t think we should drag things out if we’re not working. I love you, Will. I don’t want to compromise our friendship trying to have a relationship.” More than we already have, is what I don’t say.
“But you’re not in love with me,” he adds, the bitterness clear in his tone. “Are you?”
If I could kick myself, I would. “Does that even matter when you’re in the middle of breaking up with me?”
It’s like I kicked him. “It matters to me. Saying you love me and being in love
with me isn’t the same thing. But you’re not, are you? You never have been, and that’s why you’re happy.”
I can’t believe he thinks that this is me happy. Does he know me at all? To everyone but the two of us, Will Ellington and I were inevitable.
When my parents split up and my mom married my stepdad, Paul, we relocated from New York to Arizona for Paul’s job. The Ellingtons lived next door and our parents quickly became best friends. I’ve lost track of the number of holidays and vacations we’ve spent together over the past decade, meaning Will and I had little choice when it came to spending time together.
However, there was never tension between us. No will-they-won’t-they rumors, no lingering hands or secret moments. Just Halle and Will, neighbors who were good friends.
We survived high school together, and I watched him date everyone in our class without a “You Belong with Me” moment in sight. Then a year ago, when we were both home from college for the summer, Will invited me to be his date to a wedding. I’m pretty con1dent he had a 1rst choice, and it wasn’t me, but my invitation came in the form of pressure from his parents.
Ever the traditionalists, they didn’t think it was healthy for a woman to spend
her summer reading and writing, because I’d “never 1nd a boyfriend hunched over a book.” Even when my teenage sister, Gigi, told them the 1800s called and wanted their mindset back, they still insisted I accept the invitation.
It was at the wedding, after too many gulps from a wine bottle we’d stolen from one of the tables, that we had the kiss that sparked this whole mess.
It was exciting at 1rst, and those two weeks before we went back to school, I saw our relationship in a whole new way. Will had always been popular, and as much as I despise admitting it now, I felt special that he wanted to date me.
He was the captain of our high school hockey team, a future NHL star according to those in the know. He’d always been handsome and charismatic; he could get himself out of any situation with that charming smile of his. College had only increased his con1dence, and during my visits throughout our freshman year, it was clear he was as well liked there as he had been back home.
So, all things considered, why wouldn’t I want to date him when everyone else did? He was my only friend. It made sense, right?
I was captain of nothing, with no need to get myself out of any situation because I wasn’t doing anything of interest. There isn’t a long list of
complimentary adjectives that follow when people talk about me. So yeah, I was a little Rattered.
Our parents were elated, naturally. Their dreams of wedding planning and shared grandchildren felt that much closer, and it didn’t matter that I was going to be in Maple Hills and he was going to be in San Diego. It’s only two hours away, and they were certain we’d be totally 1ne because I could arrange my schedule around Will’s hockey commitments.
No. Big. Deal.
Their con1dence gave me con1dence, which was something I desperately craved after that initial buzz wore oI the 1rst time Will asked me to have s*x with him. I told him I wasn’t ready, and he said I was intimidated by all of the girls he’d slept with, but that I didn’t need to worry. I, through a horri1ed grimace and the strongest urge to vacate the building, told him I didn’t care about who he’d been with before and his s*x life had no bearing on us taking that step or not.
I wanted butterRies and the unexplainable need to pop my foot up delicately when we kissed, but I got wasps. Nasty, uncomfortable things that stung me every time Will would slip his hand beneath my T-shirt. My gut told me something was wrong, but my heart told me I just needed to give it time. My head told me I already had all the answers, but I was just too much of a chicken to listen to them.
“Halle? Will you get out of your head for long enough to have a fucking conversation with me? Jesus,” Will says harshly, raising his voice enough to wake Joy. She saunters across the table, brushing her tail along my chin before lying back down in front of me. The oven timer beeps, and Will mutters expletives under his breath while I turn it oI and take out the croissants I now have no desire to eat.
“Nothing about this makes me feel happy. I feel like you’re annoyed at me for saying okay instead of what? Screaming at you? Sobbing?”
He scoIs, bringing his coIee mug to his lips, smothering whatever he muttered. I’ve always hated the muttering. “I’m annoyed about all the shit I’m going to get for being the one to break up with you, when you’re just too much of a fucking people pleaser to do it yourself.
“I’m going to be the world’s biggest asshole for doing something you’ve been too much of a coward to do. It isn’t fair. I want you but you don’t want me, so I have to be the bad guy.”
I was wrong. There are adjectives that follow when someone talks about me.
Just not complimentary ones, I guess.
“I’m not being a people pleaser. I was trying to give us a chance to work things out. It’s not like I wanted to suck at this.”
“I wish you wanted to suck. Maybe that’d solve our problems,” he mutters just loud enough for me to hear.
It’s like he’s poking a tender bruise. A metaphorical one that’s there because of him in the 1rst place. I want to roll my eyes and tell him how childish and pathetic he’s being, but in reality, he’s 1nally found something in this awful conversation that makes me hurt.
I don’t know why my s*xual urges disappear as soon as he’s in the equation, and I really wish I did. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of letting him know he’s gotten to me, so I sigh and cock my head. “You’re being an asshole.”
He folds his arms across his chest as he sinks into his chair to shrink himself. Pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and fore1nger, he lets out a noise that’s somewhere between a sigh and a groan. “Sorry, that was low. I just”—he sits up straight again, his restlessness a contrast to his normal easygoing nature—“can’t help but think things would be better if it actually felt like an adult relationship. I don’t know how you can know you hate s*x if you won’t even try. I’ve been so patient with you, Halle, haven’t I? More patient than another guy would be.”
His need to break up with me right now suddenly makes more sense, given I
said I still wasn’t ready to have s*x with him last night. If patient means stopping when I say stop, then yes, Will has been patient. If patient means repeatedly bringing up s*x and interrogating me about my thoughts and feelings but becoming moody when I once again say I’m not ready, then sure, he’s been patient.
I’m pretty sure neither of those things could be construed as patience, but I don’t have the energy to delve into my mostly solo s*x life during breakfast.
“We’re two adults in a relationship—that’s what makes it an adult relationship.” As I’ve said a million times before. “And oh my God, for the last time, I never said I hate s*x. I’ve only said I’m not ready and we compromised, I did the other stu—”
“Oh, because calling it a compromise makes me feel really great. Thanks.”
I want to bash my head on the table. “Look, we’re getting oI topic. We can tell our parents it was a mutual decision. No bad person, mutual.”
He shoots me a disbelieving look. “Like they’ll buy that. What about Thanksgiving? Christmas? The vacation at spring break? You’re naïve to think they’ll drop it.”
I can’t pretend it’s a stretch for him to be worried about how our parents might take the news. It’s the thing I’ve been worrying about, too. Maybe he’s right; maybe I am a coward and too much of a people pleaser, and I’ve forced his hand to save myself.
The summer we just shared back home made it very clear that without our hobbies or our family commitments to 1ll our time, we’ve outgrown each other. Will wants adventure with his friends until he starts his professional career, and I want to be a published author by the time I’m twenty-1ve. We’re both driven, we’re just driving in diIerent directions. When you add the tension caused by my unwillingness to drop my panties on demand, this breakup was the only thing inevitable about us.
If I had any friends that I didn’t share with Will, I’m sure they’d wonder why we were together in the 1rst place. It’s something I’ve thought about a lot over the past year, and the answer didn’t paint me in a very good light.
I bounced between everything from being a people pleaser like I’m so commonly called, to having a late rebellion phase against my older brother, Grayson. He always hated Will, claiming he was too arrogant and our friendship was too one-sided. I was too well behaved to rebel about anything else going on, so not listening to my brother was as rebellious as I got. Even then, my rationale felt a little far-fetched.
In the end, I couldn’t escape the truth: loneliness. Because if we split, who would I have?
Sure, our relationship wasn’t perfect, but he called me every day and he wanted me around.
“I’ll say I have the strongest urge to spend Christmas with Dad and Shannon. I think my brother will be there so I can use him to make it more believable. By the time we’re both home in March for the spring break trip, everyone will be over our split.”
“You sure?” he asks. I just oIered him the best get-out-of-jail-free card in existence and he can’t even hide the happiness. God, this is nauseating.
“I’m totally sure.”
I watch as he relaxes. “If you’re not coming home, I also don’t think you should come to my games anymore.”
Albeit not unexpected, I wish he’d broken up with me before I decided to give
up my book club and rearranged my class schedule to give me time to visit for his games.
I say decided, but since we’re not together now I guess I don’t need to spin
things to make Will look better anymore. I can admit that Will begged me to all summer, even though I repeatedly said I didn’t want to, until I 1nally gave up arguing after he said that all the other girlfriends make the eIort. I did it as soon as the school year restarted. I hated letting the bookstore down on such short notice, but they were so sweet about it, and one of their booksellers is excited to take over.
“Yeah, that’s 1ne. I don’t want to make our friends feel like they need to pick a side, and me not being there will probably make that easier.”
If I didn’t know Will as well as I do, I might have missed the way his eyebrows pinched together and he started to pout, but it was de1nitely there. That look of incredulity. “Ha, yeah.” He scratches at his jaw. “Everyone’s been telling me to end things for a while, so I don’t know how they’d be if you were there. Awkward, probably.”
For the 1rst time since he uttered, “I think we should break up,” I feel like crying. Even though to me it was obvious that something wasn’t right between us, the idea that all his college friends have been weighing in and collectively decided he should end things makes my stomach twist.
I’ve always made an eIort to go to the games I could drive to, even before we were a couple. I wore his jersey, sat with the other girlfriends, cheered him on. I looked up their interests, tried my hardest to 1t in while they talked about people from their college I didn’t know, because my friends have always been Will’s friends. Even as kids, he was always introducing me to someone new.
His words are still stinging as I watch him 1nally 1nish the rest of his coIee. He looks so unbothered, yet I’m 1ghting the desire to 1nd the nearest 1eld and bury myself in it. “Not my friends anymore, got it.”
“They were never really your friends in the 1rst place when you think about it.” He’s staring at me, waiting for me to say something, like he didn’t just throw my biggest insecurity in my face as casually as asking for the weather. “Do you ever wonder if you’d have your own friends if you didn’t live in a fantasy world?” “God, you sound like your parents right now. People can enjoy reading and still maintain a healthy attachment to reality, Will,” I drawl. “I’m not a social pariah because I like 1ction. Nobody has ostracized me from the Maple Hills social calendar because I read romance novels. Maybe if I spent more time in Maple Hills instead of following you around, I’d have my own friend group
here.”
He snorts, and he’s one more arrogant action away from getting a croissant launched at his head. “Maybe if you were as invested in our relationship as you are in ones that aren’t real, I wouldn’t have just wasted a year of my life.”
It’s incredible how one conversation can change how someone looks to you. “I think you should head home now.”
“Don’t be so sensitive, Hals.” He rises from his chair and crosses over to me. His arm drapes over my shoulder, feeling like a deadweight, and his kiss on the top of my head sears like acid. “I’m just putting myself first, doing things for me, y’know? It’s a new year, and I deserve a fresh start. Hockey is get—”
His voice drones on in the background, but I can’t focus. I’m too busy keeping myself from exploding, from launching into a tirade about how I *do* know—because I’ve been putting him first for as long as I can remember. Putting everyone first, really.
I’ve spent my whole life taking on the burdens that others don’t want. I sacrifice without hesitation, because that’s just what I’ve always done. At this point, I can’t tell if it’s a genuine desire to help or simply a habit.
As my family expanded and shifted with my parents’ divorce and remarriages, so did my list of people to help. Even though Grayson is technically the oldest, everything has always fallen to me. For as long as I can remember, it’s always been, “Oh, Halle won’t mind helping,” never, “Halle, do you mind?” or “Halle, do you have the time?”
I don’t recall ever volunteering for this role, and I’m exhausted.
I wish I could say my need to please is limited to those I love, but it’s not. Whether it’s Will, his friends, his family, neighbors, or even strangers…
It seems like every person who has ever crossed my path has somehow climbed above me on my own list of priorities. And look where that’s left me.
Alone, without friends, no hobbies, and a schedule that’s ideal for being the perfect hockey girlfriend, but little else, since I now have nothing to fill that time with.
I’m done being a passenger in my own life. If Will is going to spend junior year doing things for himself, then so will I.
