WHEN I WALKED into health class, Merritt was already there, filing her nails like an evil cartoon villain. (For all intents and purposes, she basically was.) “How’s your art going, Rory? Heard you put a mural on your locker.” I ignored her and went to a desk at the back of the room, by Zara.
“Hey.”
She ignored me just as I had ignored Merritt. But her eyes flicked over to me as I sat down.
Merritt turned in her chair. “How does it feel to win, Aurora?” Zara’s jaw clenched. “Shut it, Merritt.”
Her blue eyes opened wide, and she batted them innocently. “I was just congratulating our winner.”
Zara shook her head and opened her mouth to speak. At the front of the room, Mom cleared her throat. “Class, gather your things. You will be going to study hall with Mrs. Garcia.”
With a disappointed look, Merritt picked up her books, along with everyone else. I loaded my backpack back up, slung it over my shoulder and began walking toward the door, keeping my eyes down.
Mom’s hand clenched my shoulder. “Wait.”
I didn’t meet her eyes until all the students had left. Then I looked at her and said, “What?” My voice came out in a huff, rougher than I’d meant it to, but I didn’t retract my tone or try it again. I’d had a heck of a day, and it wasn’t even lunchtime.
Her expression softened, and she said, “I made a doctor’s appointment for us. I thought we could go together. Give you a little break?”
I closed my eyes for a second and then started walking toward the parking lot, not bothering to see if she was behind me. Of course my mom’s idea of a break was a double doctor’s appointment. Maybe this was her olive branch, meant to extend whatever peace could possibly exist between the two of us, but I was too hurt. Part of me wondered if I’d ever be able to forgive her for everything she’d done the last few months.
I waited by the car, and she came out about a minute after and got in. Her back was stiff as she drove us to RWE Medical, and I did nothing to break the silence. I went and sat in the leather seats while she checked us in and chatted with Betty between walk-ins.
How had it only been two months since I’d sat in this chair and had my first real conversation with Beckett? Such a short time had elapsed between him being a crush and being so much more. The numb feeling left and was replaced by excruciating loss.
Even though I was hurt by what Beckett said, I missed him more. Not because of what his interest in me said about curvy girls, but because of how he made me feel. I could just be me around him, without the pretenses, without worrying about sucking it in or covering it up. He was the kindest person I knew, the gentlest. I wanted to be like him. To be with him.
The door to the offices opened, and Chloe grinned at my mom and me. “Welcome back, girls. We have rooms ready for you.”
“That won’t be necessary,” Mom said. “We can go in the same one— less for you to sanitize.”
Chloe grinned. “You’re such a lifesaver, Mrs. H.”
Mom waved goodbye to Betty and then immediately began chatting Chloe’s ear off. It was like Mom felt more comfortable in a doctor’s office than she did anywhere else.
Chloe weighed my mom first, and then Mom stepped off the scale, waiting for me.
Having my weight shown in front of my mom only tipped the scales my day from bad to worse. Literally. Except when Chloe read it off (at my mom’s request), I was seven pounds down from my last appointment.
“Good job,” Mom said, the pride obvious in her voice. It shredded the very last thread in my chest.
She was finally proud of me now that I was more miserable than I’d ever been. Was this what it took? Pure misery for my mom to love me? and tears fell from my eyes. I wiped at them, wanting to be anywhere else.
Chloe looked between the two of us uncomfortably. “Let me get you two in a room so you can have some privacy.”
I followed behind her, my head hanging down as I tried to stop crying.
Deciding it was no use, I excused myself to the bathroom.
I didn’t need to go, but I took my time splashing water over my splotchy face. The cool liquid soothed my eyes but did little to balm my soul. God, I’d made a mess of things, and I had nothing to show for it except a negative pregnancy test and still no period. Beckett was right to get as far away from me as he could.
I couldn’t stand the thought of staring at myself in the mirror anymore, so I walked back to room five where Chloe had left my mom. Through the door, I heard her and Dr. Edmonson talking. As I pushed it open, I caught him saying, “We’ll run a full panel for your yearly checkup.” Then he looked at me with sympathetic eyes that said he was at the game, or had at least heard what happened. “Hey, Rory, how are you holding up?”
If the red around my eyes didn’t answer him, then my simple “fine” should have spoken volumes.
“Well, Mary, if it’s okay with you, I’ll have you go get your bloodwork taken while I chat with Rory?”
She looked hesitant, but finally nodded and left.
Taking my no-nonsense cue, he jumped into the appointment, asking me questions about my cycle, whether I’d had any PMS, and how my dieting was going.
I answered each of his questions simply. After making several notes, he took off his spectacles and looked me in the eyes. “Rory, your mom’s been bringing you in here since you were a little girl. I’ve come to care about your family a great deal over the years. As your doctor and a family friend, I want to let you know there’s no shame in having a hard time. If you’re ever so down you feel like you can’t get back up, I’d be happy to give you a referral to a good counselor. Okay?”
My eyes filled again as I nodded.
“Good.” He patted my shoulder. “Let me walk you to the lobby.”
When we reached my mom, she looked between us. “What’s the verdict on her cycle?” Mom asked like she was waiting on a jury trial.
“Rory starts the placebo pills again next week. Let’s see how it goes before we decide on next steps.”
Mom nodded and readjusted her purse. “Thanks for squeezing us in.”
He smiled and looked at me. “For your family, any time.”
We walked in the cool fall air to our car, and Mom said, “Let’s go somewhere.”
Several minutes (and protestations) later, she parked the car near Emerson Trails and unbuckled.
“What are we doing here?” I asked.
“Fresh air is good for the soul,” she said before getting out.
It might have been, if this spot didn’t remind me of Beckett now. Even though I’d only been here with him once and my family countless times, it was now his. Ours.
I followed her out of the car and walked beside her down the trail, remembering the night . She wore heeled boots, and I had on my loafers and stockings, but we still walked.
“You remember how close Grandma’s house was to the trails before she moved to the home?”
I shook my head. I only ever remembered Grandma living in the place with all the board games and the giant TV that played too loudly.
“A two-minute walk,” she said. “We could see it through the dining room window, but we weren’t allowed to go on the trail.”
That didn’t make sense. We lived twenty minutes away, and I felt like we were always at the Trails. “Why didn’t Grandma take you guys out here?”
Mom smiled wistfully. “After my big brother died in his sleep of a seizure, Mother took us to the doctor about as religiously as she and Daddy took us to church.”
My eyebrows came together. “What?” I’d never heard this story before. “If we skinned a knee, we went to the doctor. Stomachache, doctor.
Gained or lost weight too quickly, doctor. Auntie and I learned a lot on those visits—mostly about how to stay healthy enough to avoid another visit.” She carefully pulled a tree branch out of the path and set it out of the way so others wouldn’t run into it. “Sometimes we lived so cautiously, I thought we might not have lived at all.”
I glanced at her, my heart softening in a way I felt uncomfortable with. I turned my eyes back on the gravel path passing slowly under my feet.
“I never wanted anything to hold you back,” she finally stated quietly. “Especially not something you could control.”
That was the problem, though. How did I break free of the chains I was born into?
