If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You
Dead Yet?
The irony of that statement isn’t lost on me. Nor is it lost on Mekhi, if the way he snarls at Flint is any indication. “No shit, Sherlock. What do you think is happening here?”
Flint doesn’t answer, and I don’t bother to look back as Mekhi and I head into the tunnels. He doesn’t say anything about Flint or anything else as we make our way through the first door. But the silence only makes me feel worse about what just happened. And about trusting Flint from the beginning, especially when Jaxon warned me not to.
I just wish I knew what he got out of hurting me when I’ve never done anything to him. Not to mention playing at being my friend at the same time he was plotting to kill me.
“Who knows with dragons?” It’s not until Mekhi answers that I realize I spoke out loud. “They’re super secretive, and nobody ever really knows what’s going on with them.”
“Apparently.” I give him a shaky smile. “I really am sorry about all this—and about you having to walk me to class. I do appreciate it, though.”
“No worries. It takes a lot more than a bad-tempered dragon to ruin my day. Besides, if I end up a couple of minutes late to Calculus, you’ll only be doing me a favor.” He grins down at me as we follow the route into the tunnels.
As we make our way through all the doors, including stops for the security codes and the rest of the stuff I had to do with Flint, I’m struck by how different it feels with Mekhi. With Flint, everything inside me was screaming a warning, telling me to get the hell away from him as fast as I could.
With Mekhi, this trip into the tunnels feels normal. No, better than normal. Like walking with an old friend, one I’m totally comfortable around. There’s no voice warning me to be careful, no uncomfortable shiver running down my spine. All of which tells me the bad feelings were tied to Flint and not the tunnel all along.
Still, I wait for that same voice to kick in as we go deeper into the tunnel. If not in warning, then at least a little self- congratulatory rumba for staying alive against all odds. Something that proves I’m not crazy for thinking I hear a voice deep inside myself that tells me what to do.
I admit, I’ve never had anything like it before, just the normal conscience-type stuff we all have when I’m trying to decide between right and wrong. But what happened the last time I was down here is different. In some ways, it felt almost sentient, like it existed away from my own consciousness and subconscious.
I can’t help wondering what’s actually going on. Can’t help wondering just what Jaxon or Katmere Academy or freaking Alaska itself has woken up within me.
If anything.
I will say that whatever’s happening, I’m at least glad the feeling of doom is gone. For now, I’m just going to accept that it is and worry about the rest when I’ve had a chance to breathe for a little while—which won’t happen until I know
for sure what Uncle Finn has decided about Jaxon.
Jaxon didn’t act like he was afraid of being expelled, but that doesn’t mean much. He doesn’t strike me as being afraid of anything, let alone what the headmaster of his high school might do to him. But just because he didn’t look worried doesn’t mean Uncle Finn doesn’t have the power to make him leave school temporarily…or for good.
I check my phone as we walk through the last gate into the tunnels. Still no text from Jaxon.
“Have you heard from him?” I ask as we start the long trek to the art building.
“No.”
“Is that normal? I mean, does he usually check in with you or—”
I break off as Mekhi laughs. “Jaxon doesn’t check in with anyone, Grace. I thought you would have figured that out by now.”
“I did. I just… What do you think is going to happen?”
“I think Foster is going to give him a slap on the wrist and then move on.”
“A slap on the wrist?” I don’t even try to hide my shock. “He nearly killed that boy.”
“Nearly killed and killed are two very different things here
—in case you haven’t noticed.” He gives me a knowing look. “At some point, we all screw up learning how to deal with our powers.”
“Yeah, but this wasn’t a screwup. This was a calculated attack.”
“Maybe.” Mekhi shrugs. “But it was also necessary. I don’t think Foster will blame Jaxon for trying to protect you. Or be
shortsighted enough to send him away when he’s the one standing between you and God knows what. In my opinion, the wolf alpha is more at risk for being kicked out than Jaxon is.”
“School rules aren’t all about me, even if the headmaster is my uncle. Besides, I thought Jaxon was the whole reason the shifters were after me. Because they wanted payback for everything that went on with Hudson?”
I mean, what else could it be? I’ve never done anything to any of these people, nor is there anything supernatural about me. No powers, no shifting, no sudden desire to bite people’s necks. So unless they’re playing a rousing game of Terrorize the Human, I can’t imagine what the shifters could possibly get out of trying to kill me.
“Jaxon’s operating under that assumption, which makes sense, considering they’ve just been waiting to find something that matters to him. Waiting for something they can take away from him.”
My heart beats a little faster at Mekhi’s words—and the implication that everyone knows that I’m who Jaxon cares about. It’s probably ridiculous to be so excited at the thought, since if it’s true, those feelings put a big red X right on me. But after the time I spent with Jaxon in his room today, I don’t care nearly as much as I should. I want to be with him.
“So what was Hudson like?” I ask Mekhi as we reach the back part of the tunnels. Maybe it’s an indelicate question to ask, but how else am I supposed to find out anything about Jaxon’s relationship with his brother? I’m pretty sure he’s not going to tell me.
Mekhi glances down at me, and there’s something different in the look he gives me, something wary and fearsome at the same time. It’s so similar to the look Jaxon had when he was talking about Hudson—minus the palpable anguish—that it makes me wonder just who this guy was. And how his presence can be so keenly felt even after he’s been dead for nearly a year.
“Hudson was…Hudson,” Mekhi says with a sigh. “I guess the best way to describe him would be as a light version of Jaxon.”
“A light version?” That’s not what I was expecting, especially after what Jaxon had to say about him earlier. “I thought he was a…” I trail off because I don’t want to call the former heir to the vampire throne a monster, even though that’s exactly what I’m thinking.
“Not light as in sunshine,” Mekhi elaborates as we reach the center rotunda of the tunnels. “I mean Jaxon lite. He was the older brother and pretty much the prodigal son—their parents adored him. And so did a lot of other important people in our species.
“But being able to fool people into thinking you have character isn’t the same as actually having character. And the one thing I know for sure is that Hudson wasn’t a quarter of the person Jaxon is. Too selfish, too egotistical, too opportunistic. All Hudson cared about was Hudson. He was just good at pretending to care about what those in power wanted him to care about.”
I don’t know what to say to that, so in the end I don’t say anything. After all, I never met Hudson, and I don’t care about him in the slightest, beyond the fact that Jaxon is
using his brother’s death to punish himself.
But I’ve got to admit, Mekhi’s description sounds awfully close to what I figured out reading between the lines of what Jaxon was telling me. He’s beating himself to hell and back for what happened between them, but it sounds to me like he did the world a favor taking Hudson out of it. No matter what Jaxon thinks about it.
A noise sounds far behind us, and suddenly Mekhi is shoving me in back of him as he whirls around, hands raised in an obvious fighting stance. Which he drops once he realizes the noise came from Lia, who is racing up the tunnel toward us.
And by racing, I mean really booking it. Wow, she can move fast when she wants to. I mean, that’s no surprise— I’ve seen Jaxon move, and it’s a little shocking how quickly he can get to me when he wants to.
But so far, every time he moves like that, it’s because I’m in some kind of trouble and he wants to get to me. The same kind of trouble that keeps me from paying close attention to him because I’m afraid I’m in the middle of trying not to die.
Watching Lia run without any safety fears for myself, though? It’s intense. It takes her less than a minute to cover the tunnel we just spent the last five minutes walking down.
And when she gets to us? She isn’t even breathless.
“Hey, girl, where’s the fire?” Mekhi asks as she moves to pass right by us. I’m surprised at his tone, and the fact that a lot of the warmth he has when he talks to me is now absent.
Of course, she isn’t exactly dripping friendliness herself
when she answers, “Oh, hey, guys. Just using my free period to do some extra time in the art studio.”
Mekhi raises a brow. “Since when do you use your free period for anything productive?”
She looks away, jaw working, and for a second, I’m pretty sure she isn’t going to answer him. But then she shrugs and says, “I’m working on a painting of Hudson.”
“So that’s who it is,” I exclaim, thinking back on the portrait I saw her working on yesterday. “He’s really good- looking.”
“You have no idea.” Her lips curve in the closest thing I’ve seen to a smile from her. “I’m nowhere near talented enough to do him justice.”
“False modesty?” Mekhi mocks. “That’s not like you, Lia.” “I’d say bite me,” she answers with an eye roll, “but who
knows where you’ve been.”
“Thanks, but I’m too afraid of catching rabies to ever bite you,” he sneers back.
And can I just say, wow. There are enough bad vibes flowing between them that I can’t help thinking I’m about to witness my second vampire attack of the day.
Apparently, when her relationship went bad with Jaxon, it went bad with the rest of the Order, too, because right now, Mekhi honestly looks like he wants to rip her throat out.
But just when I’m trying to determine how to get out of range, Lia flips him off. Then hooks her arm through mine and says, “Let’s go, Grace. He’s so not worth it.”
“Oh, well, actually, Mekhi was just walking me to class.” I don’t like being in the middle of the two of them, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to bail on Mekhi the first chance I
get.
The warning bell chooses that exact moment to ring, and Mekhi gives a little shrug as he takes a step back. “I’m good heading to Calculus if you’re good with Lia showing you the rest of the way.”
“I’m pretty sure I can get her to class safely,” Lia snarks, but I just smile my gratitude at him.
I like that Mekhi isn’t making a big deal of the me not being alone thing, just kind of making sure all the bases are covered without putting up too big a fuss. Especially since Jaxon has already covered the giant-fuss department.
“I’m good,” I tell him, and I mean it. Down here, surrounded by people Jaxon trusts—even if they don’t trust each other—makes everything else that’s happened so much easier to deal with. “You should get to math.”
“Words absolutely no normal person has ever wanted to hear,” he answers with a sigh. But he steps back, does a little two-fingered salute as a goodbye wave.
Impulsively, I close the distance between us to give him a hug. “Thanks for walking with me. I really appreciate it.”
He seems a little taken aback by my very human show of emotion, so I pull away, worried that I did something wrong. But when I look up at him, he’s got a goofy smile on his face that says he doesn’t mind at all. And that’s before he pats my head like I’m a prize-winning Chihuahua or something.
Still, it feels pretty good to have one of Jaxon’s friends’ stamp of approval, so I just grin at him and do that ridiculous two-fingered salute back at him.
He laughs, then snarls a little at Lia—for show, I think— before turning around and heading back the way we came.
I watch him for a second, expecting him to start booking it like Lia was, but instead he takes his time, moseying along like he’s in the middle of one of the old Westerns my dad used to watch.
Which only makes me appreciate Mekhi more. He’s willing to give Lia and me some privacy, but he’s in no hurry to leave me alone with anyone. Even another vampire.
“So what’s been going on with you?” I ask Lia after another glance at my phone reveals still no texts from Jaxon. And the fact that we have two minutes left to get to class.
“Pretty sure that’s my line after that whole scene in the lounge today.” She raises her brows in a WTF look.
“Oh, that. Um, Jaxon…” I trail off, not sure what I can possibly say about what happened.
Lia laughs. “You don’t have to explain anything to me. Hudson was overprotective in the same way, doing whatever he thought necessary to take care of me. Even if there was nothing to protect me from.”
I think about correcting her, maybe even telling her what’s been going on so I can get her take on it, but we’re almost to the cottages, and suddenly more people are around— vampires, witches, and shifters. And since there’s more than enough gossip surrounding me right now, I figure the last thing I need to do is add fuel to the fire.
So instead of letting Lia know everything that’s happened over the last few days, I just kind of shrug and laugh. “You know how guys are.”
“Yeah, I do.” She rolls her eyes. “Which reminds me…I was thinking you might want to get away from all that machismo
for a while. Want to do a girls’ night tonight? We can do facials, watch some rom-com, eat too much chocolate. Maybe even do those mani-pedis we were talking about the other day.”
“Oh.” I sneak another glance at my phone. Still no Jaxon. Maybe my uncle banished him to Prague—or Siberia—after all. “Yeah, I guess.”
“Wow.” She gives me a mock-offended look. “Don’t sound so enthusiastic.”
“Sorry. I was just hoping Jaxon would ask me to spend some time with him tonight. But—” I hold up my phone with a sigh. “Nothing so far.”
“Yeah, well. Don’t hold your breath. Making plans isn’t exactly Jaxon’s modus operandi.” There’s a sadness running underneath the bitterness in her voice when she talks about him. It makes me think that, despite what she says, she misses his friendship as much as he misses hers.
Which sucks, especially considering how much the two of them are hurting right now.
It’s not my place to get involved—I didn’t know Hudson and I wasn’t around when things went bad between Jaxon and Lia—but I know how fleeting life can be, even for vampires. How quickly things can just end, with no warning and no chance to put everything right.
I also know how much his problems with Lia weigh on Jaxon, reminding him daily of his role in what happened to Hudson. I can’t help wondering if those problems weigh just as heavily on Lia…and if maybe the two of them might finally begin to heal if they can forgive each other and themselves.
I mean, anything has to be better than this enmity between them. She’s destroyed, he’s devastated, and neither of them can move into the future because they’re so traumatized by the past.
Which is why, in the end, I can’t resist saying, “You know, he really misses you.”
Her eyes jump to mine. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” It’s a half whisper, half hiss.
“I do know. He told me what happened. And I can’t imagine how hurt you must be—”
“You’re right. You can’t imagine.” She starts walking faster as we head up the final incline. “So don’t.”
“Okay. Sorry.” I’m practically running in an effort to keep up with her. “It’s just, I think you would be better off if you could try to connect with Jaxon a little bit. Or anyone, really, Lia. I know you’re sad; I know you just want to be left alone because everything else is too agonizing to even think about. Believe me, I know that.” God, do I ever.
“But the thing is,” I continue, “you aren’t getting any better like that. You’re staying exactly where you were, drowning in grief, and until you decide to take the first step, you’re always going to be drowning.”
“What do you think I was doing when I invited you over for facials?” she asks, her voice smaller than I’ve ever heard it. “I’m tired of crying myself to sleep every night, Grace. I’m tired of hurting. That’s why I thought I could try to start over with you. You’re nice, and you didn’t know Hudson or the person I used to be. I thought we had a chance of being friends. Real friends.”
She turns her face away from mine, but I can still tell she’s
biting her lip, obviously trying not to cry. I feel like a total jerk. “Of course we’re friends, Lia.” Impulsively, I wrap an arm around her shoulders and squeeze.
She stiffens up at first, but eventually she relaxes and leans into the hug. I used to be one of those people who never let go of the hug first—right up until my parents died. Then I got so many hugs I didn’t want from well-meaning people who didn’t know what else to do that backing away became self-preservation.
For Lia, I go back to the pre-accident time, hugging her until she decides it’s enough. It takes longer than I thought it would, which, in my mind, proves the theory that you hold on until the other person pulls away because you never know what they’re going through and if they need the comfort.
Of course, my phone chooses to finally vibrate right in the
middle of the hug, and it takes every ounce of self-control I have not to make a grab for it. But real friends are important
—not to mention few and far between—so I wait it out, not letting go until Lia finally steps back.
My phone vibrates three more times, stops, then vibrates again. Lia rolls her eyes, but in a friendly way that says the storm has passed. “Why don’t you answer that and put Jaxon out of his misery? He’s probably terrified the shifters decided to have barbecued Grace for lunch despite his warning.”
She must be right, because two more texts come in before I can pull my phone out. Lia just laughs and shakes her head. “How the mighty have fallen.”
Not going to lie, my heart skips a beat—or five—at hearing
her say that, even if there’s a part of me that’s afraid it’s wishful thinking. Still, it’s hard not to smile when I look at the string of texts he’s sent me.
Jaxon: Told you not to worry
Jaxon: I have lived to fight another day
Jaxon: Or should that be I have lived to bite another day…
Jaxon: Anyway, come to my room tonight, whenever you’re available
Jaxon: I want to show you something
Partly because he contacted me as soon as he was done with Uncle Finn.
And (mostly) because he asked me out tonight. Or as close to out as we can get here in the middle of Alaska.
Me: Sorry, talking to Lia Me: Definitely! What time? Me: Glad things went okay
I hesitate for a second, then text what I’ve been thinking since he made the pun about living to bite another day. It’s the same thing I’ve been thinking about off and on since I left his room a couple of hours ago.
Me: I like it when you bite
I blush a little as I send it, but I don’t regret it. Because it’s the truth and because I’ve already thrown myself at the boy. What else is there but to see it through to the end?
When my phone vibrates immediately, I’m almost afraid to look at it.
Afraid I’ve gone too far.
Afraid I’m pushing too fast.
Jaxon: Good, because I like the way you taste
It’s corny and unoriginal and that doesn’t matter at all,
Because swoon. For a guy who tries to be so implacable, Jaxon’s got serious game. I mean, really. What girl is supposed to resist a text like that? Or the guy who sent it, especially when he’s also the guy willing to fight wolves and dragons and anyone else who comes for her?
Not me, that’s for sure.
Lia, on the other hand, makes a little gagging sound as she reads over my shoulder. “Wow, Jaxon. Sappy much?”
“I like it.” Still, I blank out my phone screen and shove it back into my pocket. No need for her to see anything else Jaxon might decide to write to me.
I tingle a little at the thought.
“So, raincheck tonight?” Lia says as she pushes open the door to the art studio. “And do facials tomorrow?”
It sounds like a plan to me, but after everything she just revealed, I can’t help asking, “Are you sure? I can go see Jaxon after we have our girls’ night.”
“And make me the one responsible for standing in the way of true love?” she snarks. “I don’t think so.”
“Oh, it’s not like that,” I tell her, even as a part of me melts at the description. “We’re just…hanging out.”
“Wanna bet?” Lia asks with a snort. “Because the Jaxon Vega I’ve known my whole life doesn’t almost start a war over a girl he just wants to ‘hang out’ with.”
