If I were smarter, I would be at my place right now, getting dressed.
If I were smarter, Iโd be mentally preparing to show up at Auburnโs apartment, since thatโs what I promised her I would do tonight.
If I were smarter, I wouldnโt be sitting here. Waiting for my father to walk through the door and see my hands cu๏ฌed behind my back.
I donโt really know how I should feel right now, but numbness probably isnโt the appropriate response. I just know heโs about to walk through that door any second and the last thing I want to do is look him in the eyes.
e door opens. I look away.
I hear his footsteps as he slowly enters the room. I shift in my seat, but I can barely move thanks to the metal digging into my wrists. I bite my bottom lip to stop myself from saying something Iโll regret. I bite it so hard I taste blood. I continue to avoid looking at him and choose to focus on the poster hanging on the wall. Itโs a photo timeline, depicting the progression of meth use over a ten-year span. I stare at it, aware of the fact that all ten pictures are of the same man, and all of them are mug shots.ย at means the guy was arrested no fewer than ten times.
Heโs got nine arrests on me.
My father sighs from where heโs seated, directly across from me. He sighs so heavily his breath reaches me from across the table. I scoot back a few inches.
I donโt even want to know whatโs going through his head right now. I just know whatโs going through my head, and thatโs nothing but a sea of disappointment. Not as much for my arrest as for the fact that Iโve let
Auburn down. She seems to live a life where a lot of people let her down and I hate that Iโm about to become one of them.
I hate it.
โOwen,โ my father says, requesting my attention.
I donโt give it to him. I wait for him toย nish, but he doesnโt say anything beyond my name.
I donโt like that all he said was my name, because I know there are a hell of a lot of other things he wants to say to me right now.ย ere are certainly a lot of things I want to say to him, but Callahan Gentry and his son are not the best communicators.
Not since the night Owen Gentry became Callahan Gentryโs only son.
atโs probably theย onlyย day out of my entire life I wouldnโt trade this one for.ย at day is the reason why I continue to do the shit I do.ย at day is the reason Iโm sitting here, about to have to talk to my father about my options.
Sometimes I wonder if Carey can still see us. I wonder what he would think of whatโs become of us.
I look away from the meth poster and stare at my father. Weโve perfected the art of silence over the past few years. โDo you think Carey can see us right now?โ
My fatherโs face remains expressionless.ย e only thing I see in his eyes is disappointment, and I donโt know if itโs disappointment because he failed at being a father or if itโs disappointment that Iโm in this situation or if itโs disappointment that I just brought up Carey.
I never bring up my brother. My father never brings up my brother. I donโt know why Iโm doing it now.
I lean forward and I keep my eyes locked with his.
โWhat do you think he thinks of me, Dad?โ I say quietly. So quietly. If my voice were a color, it would be white.
My fatherโs jaw clenches, so I keep going.
โDo you think heโs disappointed in my inability to just say no?โ
My father inhales and looks away, breaking eye contact with me. Iโm making him uncomfortable. I canโt lean forward any more than I already am, so I scoot my chair toward him until my chest meets the table between us. Iโm as close as I can get now.
โWhat do you think Carey thinks ofย you, Dad?โ
at sentence would be painted black.
My fatherโsย st meets the table and his chair falls backward when he stands abruptly. He paces the room, twice, and kicks the chair, causing it to crash against the wall. He continues to pace from one end of the small room to the other, which is only about seven feet or so. Heโs so pissed, I feel bad that weโre in such a tiny room.ย e man needs space to release all of his aggression.ย ey should take these types of situations into consideration when they arrest people and stick them in tiny square rooms to meet with their lawyers. Because you never know when a lawyer is also a father and that father needs space toย t all hisย anger.
He takes several deep breaths, in and out, in and out. Just like he used to teach Carey and me to do when we were younger. Being brothers, we used toย ght a lot. No more so than other brothers, but back then, when Callahan Gentry was a father, he would do everything he could to teach us how to deal with our anger internally, rather than physically.
โOnly you can control your reactions,โ he would say to us. โNo one else. You control your anger and you control your happiness. Get it under control, boys.โ
I wonder if I should repeat those words to him right now. Get it under control, Dad.
Probably not. He doesnโt want me to interrupt him as he silently attempts to convince himself that I didnโt mean what I said. He tries to tell himself that I only said it because Iโm under a lot of stress.
Callahan Gentry is good at lying to himself.
If I had to paint him right now, I would paint him every shade of blue I couldย nd. He calmly places his palmsย at on the table between us. He stares down at his hands and fails to make eye contact with me. He inhales one long, slow breath, and then releases it even slower. โIโm posting your bail as soon as I can.โ
I want him to think Iโm indi๏ฌerent. Iโm not indi๏ฌerent, though. I donโt want to be here, but thereโs nothing I can do about it.
โNot like I have anywhere else to be,โ I say to him.
I mean, I donโt, do I? Iโd already be late if I were to even show up, plus thereโs no way I could show up now and tell Auburn where Iโve been. Or why. Besides, I was more or less warned to stay away from her last night, so thereโs also that.
So yeah. Who needs bail? Not me.
โNot like I have anywhere else to be,โ I repeat.
My fatherโs eyes meet mine and itโs theย rst time I notice the tears. With those tears comes hope. Hope that heโs reached his breaking point. Hope that this was the last straw. Hope that heโllย nally say, โHow can I help you, Owen? How can I make this better for you?โ
None of those things happen, though, and my hope disappears right along with the tears in his eyes. He turns and walks to the door. โWeโll talk tonight. At the house.โ
And heโs gone.
 |
โWhat in the hell happened to you?โ Harrison asks. โYou look like shit.โ
I take a seat at the bar. I havenโt slept in over twenty-four hours. As soon as my bail cleared a few hours ago, I went straight to my studio. I didnโt even bother going to my fatherโs house to discuss this situation, because I need a little more time before I can face him.
Itโs almost midnight now, so I know Auburn is probably asleep, orย too pissed o๏ฌย to sleep, because I never showed up tonight like I promised I would. Itโs probably for the best though. I need to get my life straightened out enough for her to want to be a part of it.
โI was arrested last night.โ
Harrison immediately stops pouring the glass of beer he was about to hand me. He squares up and faces me full-on. โIโm sorry . . . did you just sayย arrestedย ?โ
I nod and reach across the bar, taking the half-full beer from him.
โI hope youโre about to elaborate,โ he says, watching me take a long drink. I set the glass down on the bar and wipe my mouth.
โArrested for possession.โ
Harrisonโs expression becomes a mixture of anger and nervousness. โWait a second,โ he says. He leans in and lowers his voice to a whisper. โYou didnโt tell them Iโโ
Iโm o๏ฌended he would even ask that, so I cut him o๏ฌย before he even
nishes the question. โOf course not,โ I say. โI refused to say anything about where the pills came from. Unfortunately, that wonโt help my situation when I show up for court. Apparently they cut you slack when you rat
people out.โ I laugh and shake my head. โย atโs fucked up, huh? We teach kids that tattling is wrong but as adults, weโre rewarded for it.โ
Harrison doesnโt respond. I can see all the words he wants to say, heโs just doing his best to keep them in.
โHarrison,โ I say, leaning forward. โItโsย ne. Itโll beย ne. Itโs myย rst o๏ฌense, so I doubt Iโll get much . . .โ
He shakes his head. โItโsย notย ne, Owen! Iโve been telling you to stop this shit for over a year now. I knew it would catch up with you and I hate being the one to say I told you so, but I fucking told you so about a million goddamn times.โ
I exhale. Iโm too tired to listen to this right now. I stand up and set a ten- dollar bill on the bar and I turn around and leave.
Heโs right, though. He told me so. And heโs not the only one, because Iโve been telling myself this would catch up to me for a hell of a lot longer than Harrison has.
