He kisses me with conviction and apology and anger, and itโs somehow all wrapped up in tenderness. When our tongues meet, itโs a momentary reprieve from the reality of our good-bye. We both exhale softly, because
this is exactly how a kiss should feel. My knees want to buckle from the feel of his lips against mine.
I kiss him back, even though I know this kiss wonโt lead to anything. It wonโt correct anything. It wonโt right any of his wrongs, but I also know it could be the last time I ever feel this way, and I donโt want to deny myself that.
He wraps his arm around me, sliding one hand up my neck and into my hair. He cradles my head and it feels as if heโs attempting to memorize every aspect of the way it feels when we kiss, because he knows after we stop, thatโs all heโll have.ย e memory of it.
e thought of this being good-bye begins to anger me, knowing he gave me hope and then allowed Trey to strip it away with the truth.
e kiss between us quickly grows painful, and not in a physical sense.
e more we kiss, the more we realize what weโre losing, and it hurts. It scares me to know that thereโs a chance Iโve come across one of the few people in this world who could make me feel this way, and I already have to give it up.
Iโm so tired of having to give up the only things in life I want.
He pulls back and looks me in the eyes with a pained expression. He moves his hand from the back of my head and brings it to my cheek, brushing a thumb over my bottom lip. โย is already hurts.โ
His mouth meets mine again, and he lands a kiss as soft as velvet against my lips. He slowly moves his head until his mouth is directly over my ear. โIs this it? Is this how it ends?โ
I nod, even though itโs the last thing I want to do. But this is the end. Even if he were to change his life completely, his past choices still a๏ฌect my own life.
โSometimes we donโt get second chances, Owen. Sometimes things just end.โ
He winces. โWe didnโt even get aย rstย chance.โ
I want to tell him itโs not my fault; itโs his fault. But I know he knows that. Heโs not asking me to give him another chance. Heโs just upset that itโs already over.
He presses his palms against the glass door behind me, caging me in with his arms. โIโm sorry, Auburn,โ he says. โYou have a lot to deal with in your life, and I absolutely didnโt mean to make things more di๏ฌcult for you.โ He presses his lips against my forehead and then pushes o๏ฌย the door. He backs up two steps and nods softly. โI understand. And Iโm sorry.โ
I canโt take the pained look in his eyes or the acceptance in his words. I reach behind me and unlock the door, and then I turn and leave.
I hear the door close behind me, and it becomes my least favorite sound in the whole world. I bring aย st up to my heart, because I feel exactly what he explained he feels when he misses someone. And I donโt understand it, because I just met him a few weeks ago.
โย ere are people you meet that you get to know, and then there are people you meet that you already know.โ
I donโt care how long Iโve known him. I donโt care if he lied to me. Iโm going to allow myself to be sad and feel sorry for myself, because despite whatever heโs done in the past, no one has made me feel like he made me feel today. He made me feel proud of myself as a mother. Because of that, the fact that I have to say good-bye to him is worth a few tears, and I wonโt allow myself to feel guilty crying about it.
I make it halfway home, and just as Iโm drying the last of the tears Iโve allowed myself to shed over this good-bye, a car pulls up beside me and comes to a slow crawl. I glance at it out of the corner of my eye and immediately see that itโs a police car. I stop walking when Trey rolls the window down and leans across the seat. โGet in, Auburn.โ
I donโt argue. I open the door and climb inside, and he begins to drive in the direction of my apartment. I donโt like the vibe Iโm getting from him right now. I canโt tell if heโs acting like a jealous boyfriend or an overprotective brother. Technically, heโs neither of those things.
โWere you at his studio just now?โ
I stare out the window and contemplate how I should answer. Heโll know Iโm lying if I say no, and I need Trey to trust me. Of all the people in the world, I need both Lydia and Trey to see that everything I do, I do for AJ.
โYes. He owed me money.โ
I can hear his heavy breaths as he inhales and exhales. He eventually pulls over to the side of the street and puts the car in park. I donโt want to look directly at him, but I can see him cover his mouth with his hand, squeezing the frustration from his jaw. โIย justย told you that he was dangerous, Auburn.โ He looks directly at me. โAre you stupid?โ
I can only take so much. I swing the car door open, get out, and slam it shut. Before I can even take three steps, heโs standing directly in front of me.
โHeโs not dangerous, Trey. He has an addiction. And thereโs nothing going on between us, I just went to collect my pay for working at his studio.โ
Trey studies my face, more than likely in an attempt to see if Iโm lying to him. I exhale and roll my eyes. โIf there was anything going on, I would have been at his studio for more thanย ve minutes.โ I push past him and begin walking toward my apartment. โJesus, Trey. Youโre acting like you have a reason to be jealous.โ
Heโs in front of me again, forcing me to stop. He stares down at me for several quiet seconds. โI am jealous, Auburn.โ
I immediately have to swallow the lump that forms in my throat. I also continue to stare up at him, waiting for him to take back what he said, but he doesnโt. Heโs looking at me with nothing but sincerity.
Heโs Adamโs brother. Heโs AJโs uncle. I canโt.
Itโs Trey.
I move around him and continue walking. Weโre only a block from my apartment, so it doesnโt surprise me when I hear him fall into step behind
me. I continue walking, trying to process the last two hours of my life, but itโs a little di๏ฌcult when my dead boyfriendโs jealous brother is stalking after me.
When I reach my door, I unlock it and turn around to face him. Treyโs eyes are like carving knives, digging into me, hollowing me out. Iโm about to tell him good night when he lifts an arm and rests his hand against the door frame next to my head. โDo you ever think about it?โ
I know exactly what heโs referring to, but I play ignorant. โAbout what?โ His eyes fall to my lips. โUs.โ
Us.
Me and Trey.
I can honestly say no, I never think about it. But I donโt want to hurt his feelings, so instead I donโt respond at all.
โIt makes sense, Auburn.โ
I shake my head, almost adamantly. I donโt mean to appear so resistant, but itโs exactly how I feel. โIt makesย noย sense,โ I reply. โYou were Adamโs brother. Youโre AJโs uncle. It would confuse him.โ
Trey takes a step forward. His closeness feels di๏ฌerent than when Owen steps toward me. Treyโs closeness feels su๏ฌocating, like I need to punch a hole in the atmosphere just to breathe.
โI love him, Auburn. Iโm the only fatherย gure your little boy has,โ he says. โHeโs living in my house with Mom, and if you and I were together . . .โ
I immediately stand up straighter. โI hope you arenโt about to use my son as an excuse for why I should date you.โย e anger in my voice surprises me, so I know it surprises Trey.
He runs a hand through his hair and looks at a loss for what to say. His gaze shifts down the hallway as he attempts his response. โLook,โ he says, meeting my stare again. โIโm not trying to use him to get closer to you. I know thatโs how it sounded. Iโm just saying . . . it makes sense. We make sense.โ
I donโt respond, because everything heโs saying has some truth to it. Lydia trusts Trey more than anyone in the world. And if Trey and I were together . . .
โย ink about it,โ he says, not wanting an answer from me right now. โWe can start slow. See if weย t.โ He pulls his hand from the frame of the
door and backs away, giving me room to breathe. โWeโll talk about it Sunday night. I need to get back to work. Promise me youโll keep your door locked?โ
I nod, and I hate that I nod, because I donโt want him to think I was agreeing to all of the other things he just said.
But . . . he makes sense. He lives in the same house as AJ and Lydia, and the one thing I want is more time with my son. Iโm at the point where I donโt care what it takes to get more time with AJ; I just need it. I miss him so much.
I donโt like the fact that Iโm considering his o๏ฌer. I donโt feel for Trey even a fraction of what I felt for Adam. I canโt even compare it to what I feel for Owen.
But heโs right. Being with him would get me closer to AJ. And I feel more for AJ than anything or anyone in the world. Iโll do whatever it takes to get my son back.
Whatever it takes.
 |
Before I moved here, Lydia assured me that Dallas tra๏ฌc wasnโt all that bad. When I asked how long it would take to get from my potential new apartment to their house, she said, โOh, itโs no further than ten miles.โ
She failed to mention that ten miles in Dallas is a good forty-ย ve- minute cab ride. Most nights I donโt even get o๏ฌย work until seven. By the time I get in a cab to head to her house, itโs AJโs bedtime. Because of this, she says itโs an inconvenience for me to visit during weeknights. โIt makes him restless,โ she says.
So Sunday-night dinners and any other day of the week I can talk her into allowing me to come over is all I get with my son. Of course, I stretch Sundays out as long as I can. Sometimes I show up at lunch and donโt leave until after he goes to sleep. I know this irritates her, but I donโt really give a shit. Heโs my son, and I shouldnโt have to ask for permission to visit him.
Today has been an exceptionally long day with him, and Iโve loved every second of it. As soon as I woke up this morning, I showered and called a cab. Iโve been here since after breakfast, and AJ hasnโt left my side. Right after weย nished dinner, I brought him to the couch, and he fell asleep in
my lap after half an episode of cartoons. I usually do the dishes and clean up after dinner, but I donโt o๏ฌer this time. Tonight I just want to hold my little boy while he sleeps.
I donโt know if Trey is trying to prove a point about how domestic he can be, or if Iโm seeing him in a slightly di๏ฌerent light, but he actually took over and cleaned up the entire kitchen. From the sound of it, he just loaded and started the dishwasher.
I glance up when he appears in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room. He leans against the frame of the door and smiles at the sight of us cuddled together on the couch.
He watches us quietly for a moment, until Lydia walks in and breaks up the peaceful moment. โI hope he hasnโt been asleep for long,โ she says, eyeing AJ in my arms. โWhen you let him fall asleep this early, he wakes up in the middle of the night.โ
โHe fell asleep a few minutes ago,โ I tell her. โHeโll beย ne.โ
She takes a seat in one of the chairs next to the couch and looks up at Trey, who is still standing in the doorway. โDo you work tonight?โ she asks. Trey nods and straightens himself.
โYeah. I need to get going, actually,โ he says. He looks at me. โYou want a ride home?โ
I glance down at AJ in my arms, not at all ready to leave yet, but not sure if I should do what I need to do with AJ still asleep in my lap. Iโve been working up the courage to talk to Lydia about our arrangement, and tonight seems as good a time as any. โI was actually hoping to talk to your mom about something before I go,โ I say to Trey.
I can feel Lydia glance at me, but I donโt reciprocate her stare. You would think after living with her as long as I did, I wouldnโt be so scared of her. However, itโs hard not to fear someone when they hold all the power over the one thing in life you want.
โWhatever it is, it can wait, Auburn,โ Lydia says. โIโm exhausted and Trey needs to get to work.โ
I run my hand through AJโs hair. He has his fatherโs hair. Soft andย ne, like silk. โLydia,โ I say quietly. I glance over at her, my stomach in knots and my heart in my throat. She always shuts me down every time I try to talk to her about this, but I have to get it over with. โI want to talk to you
about custody. And Iโd really appreciate it if we could talk about it tonight, because itโs killing me not seeing him as much as I used to.โ
When I lived with them in Portland, I saw him every day. Custody wasnโt such an issue then, because I came home from school every day to the same house as my son. Even though Lydia hadย nal say over everything that involved AJ, I still felt like his mother.
However, since she took him and moved to Dallas several months ago, Iโve felt like the worst mother in the world. I never get to see him. Every time I talk to him on the phone, Iโm in tears by the time I hang up. I canโt help but feel like the distance sheโs putting between us is intentional.
โAuburn, you know youโre welcome to see him any time you want.โ
I shake my head. โBut thatโs just it,โ I tell her. โIโm not.โ My voice is weak, and I hate that I sound like a child right now. โYou donโt like it when I visit on school nights and you havenโt even allowed him to spend the night with me.โ
Lydia rolls her eyes. โFor good reason,โ she says. โHow am I supposed to trust the people you allow at your place?ย e last one you had in your bedroom is a convicted felon.โ
My gaze falls to Trey, and he immediately breaks eye contact with me. He knows that telling her about Owenโs past has just put a wedge between AJ and me. He can see the anger on my face, so he steps into the living room. โIโll put AJ to bed,โ he says.
Iโm thankful for that, at least. AJ doesnโt need to wake up and hear the conversation going on around him right now. I hand AJ o๏ฌย to Trey and turn and face Lydia this time.
โI wouldnโt have allowed him to stay with AJ in the same apartment,โ I say in my defense. โHe wouldnโt even have been in my apartment if I knew you were bringing AJ over.โ
Her lips are pursed together, and her eyes are narrow slits of disapproval.
I hate the way she looks at me.
โWhat are you asking me, Auburn? Do you want your son to have sleepovers at your apartment? Do you want to show up every night right before his bedtime and get him riled up to the point that he doesnโt want to go to bed?โ She stands up, exasperated. โIโve raised that boy from birth, so you canโt expect me to be okay with him being around complete strangers.โ
I stand up, too. Sheโs not about to tower over me and make me feel inferior. โWeโveย raised him from birth, Lydia. Iโve been there every step of the way. Heโs my son. Iโm his mother. I shouldnโt have to ask you for permission when I want to spend time with him.โ
Lydia stares at me, hopefully absorbing my words and accepting them.
She has to see how unfair sheโs being.
โAuburn,โ she says, plastering a fake smile across her face, โIโve raised children before, so I know how important routines and schedules can be for a childโs development. If you want to visit him, thatโs perfectlyย ne. But weโre going to have to work out a more consistent schedule so that he isnโt negatively a๏ฌected by it.โ
I rub my hands up and down my face, attempting to relieve some of the frustration Iโm feeling. I exhale and calmly place my hands on my hips. โNegatively a๏ฌected?โ I say. โHow can he be negatively a๏ฌected by his own mother tucking him in every night?โ
โHe needs consistency, Auburnโโ
โย atโs what Iโm trying toย giveย him, Lydia!โ I say loudly. As soon as I raise my voice, I stop speaking. Iโve never raised my voice at her. Not once.
Trey walks back into the room and Lydia glances from him to me. โLet Trey give you a ride home,โ she says. โItโs late.โ
She doesnโt say good-bye, or even ask if the conversation is over. She walks out of the room like she just brought it to an end, whether I was
nished or not.
โUgh!โ I groan, completely unsatisย ed with how that conversation went. Not only did I not tell her I want my son to live with me, I couldnโt even work out something in my favor. She always brings up โconsistencyโ and โroutinesโ like Iโm trying to drag him out of bed at midnight to eat pancakes every night. All I want is to see my son more than sheโs allowing me. I donโt understand how she canโt see how much itโs hurting me. She should be thankful I want toย ll my role like I do. Iโm sure there are people in her situation who would love for their grandchildrenโs parents to give a shit.
Iโm torn away from my train of thought by Treyโs chuckle. I face him, and thereโs a smile on his face.
Iโve never wanted to punch a smile so bad in my life, but if there were a more inappropriate time to laugh than right now, Iโd hate to see it.
He can see Iโm not amused by his laughter, but he doesnโt hide it. He shakes his head and reaches into the entryway closet for his things. โYou just yelled at my mother,โ he says. โWow.โ
I glare at him while he attaches his holster to his police uniform. โIโm glad my situation amuses you,โ I sayย atly. I walk past him and out the front door. When I reach his car, I climb inside and slam the door. As soon as Iโm alone in the darkness, I break into tears.
I allow myself to cry as hard as I can until I see Trey making his way out of the house several minutes later. I immediately stop the tears and wipe my eyes. When heโs in the car with the door shut, I stare out the window and hope itโs obvious that Iโm not in the mood for conversation.
I think he understands that he pissed me o๏ฌ, because he doesnโt speak for the entire drive back to my house. And even though there isnโt any tra๏ฌc on the way home, twenty minutes is a long drive when itโs this quiet.
When he pulls up to my apartment, he gets out of the car and follows me inside the building. Iโm still pissed when I reach my door, but my attempt to escape inside my apartment without telling him good-bye is thwarted when he grabs my arm and forces me to turn around.
โIโm sorry,โ he says. โI wasnโt laughing at your situation, Auburn.โ I shake my head and can feel the tension settling in my jaw. โI just . . . I donโt know. No one ever yells at my mother and I thought it was funny.โ He takes a step closer to me and lifts a hand to the door frame. โIn fact,โ he says, โI actually thought it was kind of sexy. Iโve never seen you angry before.โ
My eyes meet his in aย ash. โAre you serious right now, Trey?โ I swear to God, if there was any chance of my everย nding him attractive, he just completely ruined it with that comment.
He closes his eyes and takes a step back. He holds up his hands in surrender. โI didnโt mean anything by it,โ he says. โIt was a compliment. But you obviously arenโt in the mood for compliments, so maybe we can try this again another time.โ
I welcome his departure with a quick wave as I turn around and close the door behind me. A few seconds pass before I hear Trey call my name through the door. โAuburn,โ he says quietly. โOpen the door.โ
I roll my eyes but turn around and open the door. Heโs standing in the doorway with his arms folded across his chest. His expression has changed to one of regret. He rests his head against the frame of the door, and it
reminds me of the night Owen stood in this exact same position. I liked it a lot more when Owen was standing here.
โIโll talk to my mother,โ Trey says.ย ose words make me pause and actually give him my full attention. โYouโre right, Auburn. You should be spending more time with AJ, and sheโs just making it hard on you.โ
โYouโll talk to her? Really?โ
He takes a step closer until heโs standing in the doorway. โI didnโt mean to upset you earlier,โ he says. โI was trying to make you feel better, but I guess I went about it the wrong way. Donโt be mad, okay? I donโt know if I can take you being mad at me.โ
I swallow his apology and shake my head. โIโm not mad at you, Trey. I just . . .โ I inhale and exhale slowly. โYour mother just frustrates the living piss out of me sometimes.โ
He smiles agreeably. โI know what you mean,โ he says. He lifts himself away from the door frame and glances down the hallway. โI need to get to work. Weโll talk later, okay?โ
I nod and give him a genuine smile.ย e fact that heโs willing to talk to Lydia for me is worth a smile or two. He backs up several steps before turning around and walking away. I close my apartment door after he disappears around the corner of the hallway. When I turn around, my heart jumps into my throat when I see Emory standing a few feet in front of me.
Holding a cat.
A very familiar-looking cat.
I point at Owen-Cat. โWhat . . .โ I drop my arm, completely confused. โHow?โ
She looks down at the cat and shrugs. โOwen stopped by about an hour ago,โ she says. โHe left this and a note.โ
I shake my head. โHe left his cat?โ
She turns around and walks toward the living room. โAnd a note. He said youโd know where toย nd it.โ
I walk to my room and immediately drop to my knees and climb inside the tent.ย ereโs a folded piece of paper on one of the pillows. I pick it up and lie down, and then I open it.
Auburn,
I know itโs a lot to ask of you to keep Owen, but I didnโt have anyone else. My father is allergic to cats, which may be why I got Owen in theย rst place. Harrison wonโt be back in town until Tuesday, but if you need to, you can drop her o๏ฌย there.
I know Iโve said it enough already, but I really am sorry. You deserve someone who can give you what you need, and right now that someone isnโt me. If I had known you would show up at my door one day, Iโd have done everything di๏ฌerently.
Everything.
Please donโt allow anyone to make you feel less than what you are.
Take care.
PS: I know that one of these days, youโll have to let someone in to use your restroom. Just do me a favor and remove those cute little seashell soaps.ย e thought of someone else loving those soaps as much as I do is too much.
PPS: You only have to feed Owen once a day. Sheโs pretty easy to keep alive.
anks in advance for taking care of her, no matter how long or short you decide to do it for. I know sheโll be in good hands, because Iโve seen you as a mother, and youโre pretty damn good at it.
โOwen
Iโm shocked at the tears that are falling down my cheeks. I close the letter and immediately walk out of my room. When I reach Emory in the living room, I scoop Owen-Cat up into my arms and I take her to my bedroom. I close the door behind me and I crawl onto the bed with her. She goes with theย ow and lies down beside me, like this is exactly where sheโs supposed to be.
Iโll gladly take care of her for however long Owen needs me to. Because having her connects me to him. And for whatever reason, I feel like I need that link to Owen, because it makes my chest hurt a little less when I think about him.
