Iโm losing track of the lies Iโm telling her, and lying to someone like her isnโt normally something I would do. But I didnโt know how to tell her the truth. I was scared to let her go and scared to admit that Iโm not actually moving on Monday, because the truth is, Iโll be in court on Monday. And after my hearing, Iโll be in either jail or rehab, depending on who gets his way. Me or Callahan Gentry.
When my father stopped by the studio this morning, I was careful not to say too much because I knew Auburn might be listening. But keeping my cool was harder than I thought it would be. I just wanted him to see what this is doing to me. I wanted to grab his hand and pull him up the stairs and point down at her, sleeping on my bed. I wanted to say, โLook at her, Dad. Look at what your selย shness is costing me.โ
Instead, I did what I always do. I allowed the memories of my mother and my brother to talk me out of standing up to him.ย eyโre my excuse.
eyโre his excuse.ย eyโve been our excuse for the last several years, and Iโm afraid if I donโtย nd a way to stop using that night as my excuse, then Callahan and Owen Gentry will never be father and son again.
Nothing has made me want to stop this way of life like she has, though. As much as Iโve tried and as much as Iโve thought about it and as much as it defeats me every time my guilt wins, Iโve never felt stronger than I feel when Iโm with her. Iโve never felt like I had purpose like I feel when Iโm with her. I think about theย rst words I said to her when she showed up at my door. โAre you here to save me?โ
Because are you, Auburn?ย It sure feels that way, and itโs been a long time since Iโve felt any semblance of hope.
โWhere are you going?โ she asks me.
Her voice could be used as a form of therapy. Iโm convinced of that. She could walk into a room full of severely depressed people and all she would have to do to heal them is open a book and read out loud.
โTarget.โ
She shoves my shoulder and laughs, and Iโm glad to see this side of her is back. Sheโs hardly laughed all day.
โI donโt mean right now, dummy. I mean Monday. Where are you going?
Why are you moving?โ
I glance across the street. I look up at the sky.
I focus on my feet.
I look everywhere but into her eyes, because I donโt want to lie to her again. Iโve already lied to her once today, and I canโt do it again.
I reach out and take her hand in mine. She lets me, and the simple fact that I know she wouldnโt let me hold her hand if she knew the truth makes me regret ever having lied to her in theย rst place. But the longer I wait to admit the truth, the harder it becomes.
โAuburn, I donโt really want to answer that question, okay?โ
I continue to stare at my feet, not wanting her to see in my face that I think sheโs crazy for agreeing to spend the weekend with me, because she deserves so much better than what I can give her. I donโt, however, think she deserves better than me. I think she would be perfect for me and I would be perfect for her, but all the bad choices Iโve made in my life are what she doesnโt deserve to be a part of. So until I canย gure out how to right all my wrongs, two days with her is all Iโm really worthy of. And I know she said we would focus on todayย rst before she decides to spend the entire weekend, but I think we both know thatโs bullshit.
She squeezes my hand. โIf you arenโt going to tell me why youโre moving away, then Iโm not going to tell you why I ended up moving here.โ
I was hoping to learn everything there is to know about her this weekend. I had questions lined up and ready to beย red, and now I have to withdraw, because thereโs no way in hell Iโm telling her about my life. Not right now, anyway.
โย atโs fair,โ I say,ย nally able to look at her again.
She smiles and squeezes my hand again, and I canโt fucking take how beautiful you look right now, Auburn. Free of worry, free of anger, free of guilt.ย e wind blows a piece of her hair across her mouth and she pulls it away with herย ngertips.
Iโm going to paint this moment later.
But right now, Iโm taking her to Target. For groceries. Because sheโs staying with me.
All weekend.
 |
Sheโs modest in a lot of areas, but deย nitely not when it comes to her food. I know she understands that sheโll only be at my house for two days, but sheโs grabbed enough food to last two weeks.
I let her, though, because I want this to be the best weekend sheโs ever had, and frozen pizza and cereal will deย nitely help me make that happen.
โI think weโre good.โ Sheโs looking down at the cart, digging through it, making sure she got everything she wanted. โWeโll have to take a cab back to your place, though. We canโt carry all this.โ
I turn the cart around right before we hit the checkout line. โWe forgot something,โ I say.
โHow? We bought the entire store.โ
I head in the opposite direction. โYour birthday present.โ
I expect her to run up behind me and protest, like most girls would probably do. Instead, she starts clapping. I think she might have just squealed, too. She grabs my arm with both hands and says, โHow much can I spend?โ
Her excitement reminds me of one of the times my father took Carey and me to Toys โRโ Us. Carey was two years older, but our birthdays were only a week apart. Our father used to do things like that, back when Callahan Gentry knew how to be a father. I remember one particular trip; he wanted to turn the present buying into a game. He told us to pick an aisle number and a shelf number, and said we could pick anything we wanted from that particular shelf. Carey wentย rst, and we wound up on the Lego aisle, which was typical of Careyโs good luck. When it was my turn, I didnโt fare so well. My numbers put us on the Barbie aisle and to say I was
upset is an understatement. Carey was the type of brother who, when he wasnโt beating me up, wasย ercely protective of me. He looked at my father and said, โWhat if he reversed the numbers? Maybe instead of aisle four and shelf three, weโre supposed to be on shelf four and aisle three.โ
My father grinned proudly. โย atโs pretty lawyerly of you, Carey.โ We moved over to aisle three, which was the sports aisle. I donโt even remember what I ended up choosing. I just remember the day and how, despite that moment of terror in the Barbie aisle, it ended up being one of my favorite memories of the three of us.
I take her hand in mine, and I stop pushing the buggy. โPick an aisle number.โ
She arches an eyebrow and glances behind her, trying to peek at the aisle signs, so I block her view. โNo cheating. Pick an aisle number and a shelf number. Iโll buy you anything you want o๏ฌย the shelf we end up at.โ
She smiles. She likes this game.
โLucky thirteen,โ she says to me. โBut how do I know how many shelves there are?โ
โJust guess. You might get lucky.โ
She squeezes her bottom lip between her thumb and foreย nger, concentrating her gaze on me. โIf I say shelf one, would that be considered the top shelf or the bottom?โ
โBottom.โ
She smiles and her eyes light up. โRow thirteen, shelf number two it is.โ Sheโs so excited I would think sheโs never been given a gift before. She also bites her bottom lip to keep from appearing as excited as she is.
God, sheโs adorable.
I turn around, and weโre standing on the opposite side of the store from aisle thirteen. โLooks like either sporting goods or electronics.โ
She jumps a little and says, โOr jewelry.โ
Oh, shit. Jewelry is close to electronics.ย is may be the most expensive birthday present Iโve ever bought. She lets go of my hand and grabs the end of the cart, pulling it faster. โHurry up, Owen.โ
If I knew birthday presents made her this excited, I would have bought her one the day I met her. And every day since then.
Weโre still walking toward aisle thirteen when we pass jewelry, then electronics, eliminating both of those possibilities. We pause on aisle twelve,
and even though weโre standing in front of sporting goods, she still looks excited.
โIโm so nervous,โ she says, tiptoeing toward aisle thirteen. She rounds the cornerย rst and peeks down the aisle. She looks back at me and breaks out into a huge grin. โTents!โ
And then she disappears.
I follow after her and round the corner with the cart, but sheโs already pulling one o๏ฌย the shelf. โI want this one,โ she says with excitement. But then she pushes it back on the shelf. โNo, no, I want this one,โ she mumbles to herself. โBlue is his favorite color.โ She grabs the blue one, and I would help her, but Iโm not sure I can move just yet. Iโm still trying to absorb her words.
โBlue is his favorite color.โ
I want to ask her who he is, and why sheโs thinking about camping with someone whose favorite color is blue, blue, nothing but blue. But I donโt say anything, because I donโt have a right to say anything. Sheโs giving me two days, not forever.
Two days.
at wonโt be enough for me, Auburn.ย I can already tell. And whoeverโs favorite color is blue wonโt stand a chance in this tent, because Iโm about to make sure that the only thing she ever thinks about when she sees a tent again is Oh My God.
|
I get all the groceries loaded into the taxi and turn around to grab the tent. She takes it from my hands before I can put it in the trunk. โIโll carry this. I want to go to my apartment for a little while before I go to yours, so Iโll just take it with me.โ
I glance at the groceries and then back at her. โWhy?โ I shut the trunk and watch her cheeksย ush when she shrugs.
โCan you just drop me o๏ฌย thereย rst? Iโll meet you at your apartment in a couple of hours.โ
I donโt want to drop her o๏ฌ. She might change her mind. โYeah,โ I say. โSure.โ I walk around to the back and open the door for her. I think she can tell that I donโt want her to go home, but Iโm trying to hide my
disappointment. When I get into the cab I grab her hand and close the door. She tells the cab driver her address.
Iโm looking out the window when I feel her squeeze my hand. โOwen?โ I face her and her smile is so sweet, it makes my jaw ache.
โI just really want to shower and grab some clothes before I come over.
But I promise Iโm still coming over, okay?โ Her expression is reassuring.
I nod, still not sure that I believe her.ย is may be her way of getting back at me for standing her up. She can still see the hesitation in my eyes, so she laughs.
โOwen Mason Gentry,โ she says, pushing the tent out of her lap and onto the seat next to her. She slides onto my lap and I grab her waist, not at all sure where sheโs going with this, but not really concerned enough to stop it. She looks me in the eyes while holding on to both sides of my face. โYou better stop pouting. And doubting.โ
I grin. โย at rhymed.โ
She laughs loudly, and have I mentioned I love her? No, I havenโt.
Because that would be crazy. And impossible.
โIโm the queen of rhyming,โ she says with a grin. โItโs all about the timing.โ Her hands drop to my chest and she looks up at the roof of the car for a second, contemplating her next line before dropping her gaze to mine again. โSo trust me, Owen. My desire for you is growinโ.โ
Sheโs trying to be seductive, and itโs working, but she also canโt stop laughing at herself, which is even better.
e cab comes to a stop in front of her apartment. She starts to reach for the tent, but I grab her face and pull her back to me, moving my lips to her ear. โSo go take your shower. Come back over in an hour.ย en you, Auburn Mason Reed, I will completely devour.โ
When I pull back and look at her, her smile is gone. She swallows dramatically and her reaction to my words makes me grin. I push open the back door and she breaks out of her trance.
โYouโre such a one-upper, Owen.โ She leans across the seat and reaches for her tent. After she exits the cab, I smile at her and she smiles at me, but neither of us tells the other good-bye. Iโm only saying good-bye to her once, and that wonโt be until Monday morning.
|
Iโm about to ring her doorbell. I know itโs only been an hour and she hasnโt even had time to make it back to my studio, but I couldnโt stop thinking about her walking all that way by herself. I hate that she makes that walk twice a day when she goes to work.
I donโt want to rush her, though, and I donโt want it to feel like Iโm showing up because I doubt her. Maybe I should sit on the stairs and wait for her to open the door.ย at way, itโll look like I got here just as she was leaving. And also, if she never opens her door, then Iโll know in a couple hours that she changed her mind. If that happens, I can just leave and she wonโt even know I was here in theย rst place.
But what if she already left, and I just missed her because she took a cab? She could be at my place, and now Iโve made the idiotic decision to show up at her place.ย Shit.
โDo you want to come inside?โ
I quickly turn, and Emory is standing in the doorway, staring at me.
Sheโs holding her purse in one hand and her keys in the other. โIs Auburn still here?โ
Emory nods and holds the door open wider. โSheโs in her room. She just got out of the shower.โ
I hesitate, not feeling comfortable entering her apartment without her knowing. Emory can see the hesitation on my face, so she leans back into the apartment. โAuburn!ย at guy you should totally sleep with is here! Not the cop, the other one!โ
e cop.
Emory faces me again and nods her head like sheโs saying youโre welcome. I would say I like her, but every time she speaks, sheโs bringing up the โotherโ guy. I wonder if heโs the one who likes the color blue.
I hear Auburn groan from inside the apartment. โI swear to God, Emory. You need to take a class on social skills.โ She appears in the doorway and Emory ducks out, heading for the exit. Her hair is damp, and sheโs changed clothes. Sheโs still in jeans and a simple top, but theyโre di๏ฌerent from the ones she had on earlier. I like that sheโs so casual. Sheโs eyeing me up and down. โIt hasnโt even been an hour, Mr. Impatient.โ
She doesnโt seem annoyed, which is good. She motions for me to come inside, so I follow her into the apartment. โI was going to wait outside,โ I say.
She walks into her bedroom and walks back out with a backpack. She tosses it on the bar and turns and looks at me expectantly.
โI was bored,โ I say. โI thought Iโd walk with you to my studio.โ
Her lips curl up into a grin. โYouโre way too into me, Owen. Monday wonโt be good for you.โ
She says this like sheโs kidding, but she has no idea how right she is. โOh!โ She turns toward the living room and retrieves the tent from the
couch. โHelp me set up the tent before we go.โ She walks toward her bedroom with the tent in her hands. โItโs tiny, it wonโt take long.โ
I shake my head, completely confused as to why she wants to set up a tent in her bedroom. But she doesnโt seem bothered by it, so I donโt question her. Because what girl doesnโt deserve a tent in her bedroom?
โI want it over here.โ She points to a spot close to her bed as she kicks a yoga mat out of the way. I look around her room, trying to see what I can
gure out about her without having to ask questions.ย ere arenโt any pictures on her walls or her dresser, and her closet door is shut. Itโs like she decided one day that she was leaving Portland and she didnโt bring a single thing with her when she came. I wonder why that is? Is this not a permanent move for her?
I help her unpack the tent. I didnโt notice at the store, but it really is a small tent. Itย ts two people and has an optional divider down the middle of it. We have it set up in less thanย ve minutes, but simply setting it up isnโt good enough for her, apparently. She walks to her closet and grabs two blankets that are on the top shelf. She lays them down in the tent and crawls inside.
โGrab two pillows o๏ฌย my bed,โ she says. โWe have to lie in it for a few minutes before we leave.โ
I grab the pillows and kneel down in front of the tent. I push them inside and she takes them from me. I pull theย ap back and crawl in with her, but I go to my side instead of doing what I really want to do, which is crawl on top of her.
Iโm too big for the tent and my feet hang out of it, but so do hers. โI think you bought a tent forย ctional characters.โ
She shakes her head and lifts up onto her elbow. โI didnโt buy it; you bought it. And itโs a kid tent, Owen. Of course we donโtย t.โ
Her eyes move to the zipper hanging from the top of the tent. โLook.โ She grabs it and begins zipping. A net lowers from the top and she continues to zip up the sides of it until a mesh screen separates us. She lays her head on her arm and smiles at me. โFeels like weโre in a confessional.โ
I roll onto my side and rest my head in my hand and stare back at her. โWhich one of us is confessing?โ
She narrows her eyes and lifts herย nger, pointing at me. โI think itโs safe to say you owe the world a few more confessions of your own.โ
I lift my hand and touch herย nger through the mesh. She opens up her palm and presses it against mine. โWe could be here all night, Auburn. I have a lot of confessions.โ
I could tell her how I know her. Make her realize why I have this overwhelming urge to protect her. But some secrets Iโll take to my grave, and this is deย nitely one of them.
Instead, I give her a di๏ฌerent confession. One that doesnโt mean as much to me. I give her something safe. โI have three numbers in my phone. My fatherโs. Harrisonโs. My cousin Rileyโs, but I havenโt talked to him in over six months.ย atโs it.โ
Sheโs quiet. She doesnโt know what to say, because who only has three numbers in his phone? Someone who has issues, obviously.
โWhy donโt you have more phone numbers?โ
I like her eyes.ย eyโre very telling, and right now she hurts for me, because she realizes that she isnโt the only lonely person in Dallas.
โAfter I graduated high school, I kind of went my own way. I focused on my art and nothing else. I lost all my old contacts when I switched phones about a year ago, and when that happened, I realized I didnโt really talk to anyone. My grandparents passed away years ago. I only have one cousin, and like I said, we donโt really talk much. Other than Harrison and my father, there isnโt a phone number I need.โ
Herย ngers are tracing my palm now. Sheโs staring at her hands and no longer at me. โLet me see your phone.โ
I pull it out of my pocket and hand it to her beneath the mesh, because I told her the truth. She can check for herself.ย ree numbers and thatโs it.
Herย ngers move over the screen for several seconds before she hands me back my phone. โย ere. Now you have four.โ
I look down at my screen and read her contact. I laugh when I see the name she entered for herself.
Auburn Mason-is-the-best-middle-name Reed.
I slide my phone back in my pocket and touch her hand against the mesh again. โYour turn,โ I say to her.
She shakes her head. โYou still have a lot of catching up to do. Keep going.โ
I sigh and roll onto my back. I donโt want to tell her anything else yet, but Iโm scared if we donโt get out of this tent soon, Iโll tell her everything I know and everything she doesnโt want to hear. But maybe itโs best that way. Maybe if I tell her the truth, she can accept it and trust me and know that as soon as I get back, things will be di๏ฌerent. Maybe if I tell her the truth, weโll have a chance of making it beyond Monday.
โย at night I didnโt show up here?โ I pause, because my heart is beating so fast Iโmย nding it hard to think around it. I know I need to admit this to her, but I havenโt known how to bring it up. No matter how I spin it, I know sheโll react negatively, and I get that. But Iโm tired of not being honest with her.
I roll onto my side and face her. I open my mouth to confess, but Iโm spared by the knock on her front door.
Her confused expression reveals that she isnโt used to visitors. โI need to get that. Wait here.โ She immediately climbs out of the tent, and I roll onto my back and exhale. In a matter of seconds, sheโs back in her room and kneeling down in front of the tent.
โOwen.โ
Her voice is frantic, and I lift up on my elbows as she pokes her head inside. Her eyes are full of worry. โI have to get the door, but please donโt come out of my room, okay? Iโll explain everything as soon as she leaves. I promise.โ
I nod, hating the fear in her voice. I also hate that she suddenly wants to hide me from whoever is at her door.
She backs away and closes the bedroom door. I fall back onto the pillow and listen, aware that Iโm about to get one of her confessions, even though she doesnโt quite seem ready to share it with me.
I hear the front door open and theย rst thing I hear is a childโs voice. โMommy, look! Look what Nana Lydia bought me.โ
And then I hear her respond. โWow.ย atโs exactly the one you wanted.โ Did he just call you Mommy?
I hear feet shu๏ฌing across theย oor. I hear a womanโs voice say, โI know this is last-minute, but we were supposed to leave for Pasadena hours ago. However, my mother-in-law was admitted to the hospital and Trey is on dutyโโ
โOh no, Lydia,โ Auburn interrupts.
โOh, sheโsย ne. Diabetic issues again, which wouldnโt happen if sheโd just take care of herself like I tell her. But she doesnโt, and then expects the entire family to give up their plans in order to take care of her.โ
I hear a doorknob turning. โAJ, no,โ I hear Auburn say. โStay out of Mommyโs room.โ
โAnyway,โ the woman says, โI have to take some things to her but they donโt allow children in the ICU, so I need you to watch him for a couple of hours.โ
โOf course,โ she says. โHere?โ
โYes, I donโt have time to drive you to our house.โ
โOkay,โ she says. She sounds excited. She sounds like sheโs not used to the woman trusting her to do this. Sheโs so excited, I donโt think she notices AJ is opening her bedroom door again.
โIโll pick him up later tonight,โ the woman says.
โHe can spend the night,โ Auburn replies, hopeful. โIโll bring him back in the morning.โ
Her bedroom door is open now and a little boy falls to his knees directly in front of the tent. I lift up on my elbows and smile at him, because heโs smiling at me.
โWhy are you in a tent?โ he asks.
I bring myย nger up to my mouth. โShhh.โ
He grins and crawls inside the tent. He looks to be about four orย ve years old, and his eyes arenโt green like Auburnโs.ย eyโre all di๏ฌerent colors. Browns and grays and greens. Like a canvas.
He doesnโt have her unique shade of hair color, as his is dark brown. Iโm assuming he gets that from his father, but I still see a lot of Auburn in him. Mostly in his expression, and how he seems so curious.
โIs the tent a secret?โ he asks.
I nod. โYes. And no one knows this tent is here, so we need to keep it between us, okay?โ
He smiles and nods, like heโs excited to have a secret. โI can keep secrets.โ
โย atโs good,โ I say to him. โBecause itโs not muscles that make men strong. Secrets do.ย e more secrets you keep, the stronger you are on the inside.โ
He grins. โI want to be strong.โ
Iโm about to tell him to go back to the living room before any attention is brought to me, but I can hear the opening of the bedroom door.
โAJ, come give Nana Lydia a hug,โ the woman says. Her footsteps grow louder and AJโs eyes grow wide.
โLydia, wait,โ I hear Auburn say to her with panic in her voice. But she says it a second too late, because I donโt have time to pull my feet inside the tent before Lydia walks into the room.
I can see her steps come to an immediate halt. I donโt have to see her face to know that sheโs not very happy about the fact that AJ is in this tent right now.
โAJ,โ her voice isย rm. โCome out of the tent, sweetie.โ
AJ grins at me and puts hisย nger to his mouth. โIโm not in a tent, Nana Lydia.ย ereโs no tent in here.โ
โLydia, I can explain,โ Auburn says, bending down. She motions for AJ to come out of the tent, and her eyes only meet mine for a second. โHeโs just a friend. He was helping me put up this tent for AJ.โ
โAJ, letโs go, honey.โ Lydia grabs his hand, pulling him out of the tent. โYou may be okay with allowing your son to be around complete strangers, but Iโm not.โ
I can see the disappointment wash over Auburn. It washes over AJ, too, when he realizes Lydia isnโt letting him stay. I follow after him, crawling out of the tent, standing up. โItโsย ne, Iโll go,โ I say. โWe justย nished setting it up for him.โ
Lydia looks me up and down, unimpressed with whatever she thinks she sees. I want to eye her the same way, but I donโt want to do anything to make this worse for Auburn. When I get a good look at her, I realize Iโve seen her before. Itโs been a while, but she hasnโt changed a bit, other than
having a little more gray in her straight, black hair. She still looks just as stoic and intimidating as she did all those years ago.
She faces AJ.
โAJ, get your toy. We need to go.โ
Auburn follows Lydia out of the room. โLydia, please.โ She waves her hand in my direction. โHeโs leaving. Itโll just be me and AJ here, I promise.โ Lydiaโs hand pauses on the front door, and she turns to face Auburn. She releases a quick sigh. โYou can see him Sunday night, Auburn. Really, itโs
ne. I should have known not to stop by unannounced.โ
She looks over Auburnโs shoulder to AJ. โTell your mother good-bye, AJ.โ
I can see Auburn grimace and then just as fast, her frown turns into a smile as she turns around and kneels down in front of AJ. She pulls him to her and hugs him. โIโm sorry, but youโre gonna go with Nana Lydia tonight, okay?โ She pulls away from him and brushes her hand through his hair. โIโll see you Sunday night.โ
โBut I want to stay here,โ he says with genuine disappointment.
Auburn tries to hide it with her smile, but I can see how his words have gutted her. She ru๏ฌes his hair and says, โAnother night, okay? Mommy has to get up really early and work tomorrow and you wonโt have any fun if all we do is go to sleep.โ
โItโll be fun,โ he says. He points toward the bedroom. โYou have a tent and we could sleep inโโ AJโs eyes cut to mine and he realizes he just mentioned the secret tent. He looks back at Auburn and shakes his head. โNever mind, you donโt have a tent. I was wrong, you donโt.โ
As shitty as I feel about whatโs happening right now, the kid makes me smile.
โAJ, letโs go.โ
Auburn gives him another tight hug and whispers, โI love you. Iโll love you forever.โ She kisses his forehead and he kisses her cheek before taking Lydiaโs hand. Auburn doesnโt even turn around to tell Lydia good-bye, and I donโt blame her one bit. As soon as the door closes, she stands and brushes past me, heading straight to her bedroom. I watch as she pulls back theย ap and crawls into the tent.
I stand at her door and listen to her cry.
It all makes sense now. Why she was so upset that Lydia stood her up on her birthday, because that meant she didnโt get to spend it with AJ.
Why she said his favorite color is blue.
Why she moved to Texas, when she seems so unhappy here.
And why there is no way in hell Iโll be able to walk away from her now. Not after witnessing that. Not after seeing how incredible she is when she loves that little boy.
