The truth? Itโs hardly ever as complicated as we think. We just hope it is, because then we feel smarter if we can work it out in advance. This is a story about a bridge, and idiots, and a hostage drama, and an apartment viewing. But itโs also a love story. Several, in fact.
The last time Zara saw her psychologist before the hostage drama, she arrived early. She was never late, but it was unusual for her not to walk in at precisely the agreed time.
โHas anything happened?โ Nadia wondered. โWhat do you mean?โ Zara replied contrarily. โYouโre not usually early. Is anything wrong?โ โIsnโt it your job to work that out?โ
Nadia sighed.
โI was only asking.โ โIs that kale?โ
Nadia looked down into the plastic tub on her desk. Nodded. โIโm having lunch.โ
Other patients might have taken this as a hint. Not Zara, of course. โSo youโre vegan,โ she said, without a question mark.
The psychologist coughed, the way you do if your throat takes oPense at you being predictable.
โI donโt have to be, do I? I mean, Iย amย vegan, but surely other people eat kale?โ
Zara wrinkled her nose.
โBut that was bought in a carryout. So you could have chosen anything. But you chose kale.โ
โAnd only vegans do that?โ
โI can only assume that lack of vitamins aPects your 1nancial judgment.โ Nadia smiled at that.
โSo you look down on me because Iโm a vegan, or because I pay for vegan food?โ
Nadia swallowed the last bit of both the kale and her self-esteem, closed the lid of the tub, and asked, โHow have you been feeling since we last met, Zara?โ
Rather than reply Zara took a small bottle of hand sanitizer from her bag, carefully massaged her 1ngers with her back to the desk, looked at the bookcase, and declared: โFor a psychologist, you have an awful lot of books that arenโt about psychology.โ
โAnd what are the others about, in your opinion?โ โIdentity. Thatโs why youโre a vegan.โ
โItโs possible to be vegan for other reasons.โ โSuch as?โ
โItโs good for the environment.โ
โMaybe. But I think people like you are vegan because it makes you feel good.
Itโs probably why youโve got poor posture, too little calcium.โ
Nadia discreetly adjusted her position on her chair, and did her best not to look like she was trying to sit up straighter.
โYou pay for your time here, Zara. For someone who criticizes other peopleโs 1nancial choices, you seem remarkably happy to throw away quite a lot of money on talking aboutโฆ me. Do you want to talk about why?โ
Zara seemed to consider this seriously, without taking her eyes oP the bookcase.
โMaybe next time.โ โThatโs good to hear.โ โWhat is?โ
โThat thereโs going to be a next time.โ
Zara turned around at that and peered at Nadia to see if that was a joke or not. She didnโt quite succeed, so turned away again, rubbed more sanitizer into
her hands, and looked out of the window behind Nadia, counting the windows in the building opposite. Then she said: โYou havenโt suggested I start taking antidepressants. Most psychologists would have.โ
โHave you met many other psychologists?โ โNo.โ
โSo thatโs your own analysis?โ
Zara looked at the picture on the wall.
โI can understand you not wanting to give me sleeping pills, because youโre worried Iโd kill myself. But surely if thatโs the case, you should be giving me antidepressants instead?โ
Nadia folded two unused paper napkins and tucked them away in her desk drawer. Then nodded.
โYouโre right. I havenโt suggested medication. Because antidepressants are designed to smooth out the highs and lows of your mood, and if used properly they can stop you feeling so sad, but often they stop you feeling as happy.โ She held one hand up, her palm horizontal. โYou just end upโฆ on a level. And you would expect that patients who take antidepressants mostly miss the highs, wouldnโt you? But that isnโt actually the case. The majority of people who want to stop medication say they want to be able to cry again. They watch a sad 1lm with someone they love, and they want to be able toโฆ feel the same thing.โ
โI donโt like 1lms,โ Zara pointed out. Nadia laughed out loud.
โNo, of course you donโt. But I donโt think you need fewer feelings, Zara. I think you need to feel more. I donโt think youโre depressed. I think youโre lonely.โ
โThat sounds like an unprofessional analysis.โ โMaybe.โ
โWhat if I leave here and kill myself.โ โI donโt think youโd do that.โ
โNo?โ
โYou said a little while ago that thereโs going to be a next time.โ Zara focused her gaze on Nadiaโs chin.
โAnd you trust me?โ
โYes.โ
โWhy?โ
โBecause I can see that you donโt want to let people get close to you. It makes you feel weak. But I donโt think youโre afraid of being hurt, I think youโre afraid of hurting other people. Youโre a more empathetic and moral person than you like to admit.โ
Zara was deeply, deeply oPended by this, and had difficulty working out if that was because Nadia had called her weak, or because she had said she was moral.
โMaybe I just donโt think itโs worth the ePort to talk to people Iโm only going to get fed up with.โ
โHow do you know that if you never try?โ
โIโm here, arenโt I, and it didnโt take me long to get fed up with you!โ
โTry to take the question seriously,โ Nadia said, which of course was hopeless. Zara bounced away from the subject as usual.
โSo whyย aveย you vegan?โ Nadia groaned wearily.
โDo we really have to talk aboutย thatย again? Okay: Iโm vegan because I care about the climate crisis. If everyone was vegan, we couldโฆโ
Zara interrupted scornfully: โStop the ice caps melting?โ
Nadia deployed the patience vegans have plenty of time to practice when they spend Christmas with older relatives.
โNot quite, no. But itโs part of a larger solution. And the fact that the ice caps are melting isโโ
โBut do we really need penguins?โ Zara asked bluntly.
โI would say that the ice caps are a symptom, not the problem. Like the trouble you have sleeping.โ
Zara counted the windows.
โThere are frogs threatened with extinction that scientists say would leave us smothered with insects if they disappeared. But penguins? Whoโd be aPected if penguins disappeared, except maybe businesses that make padded jackets?โ
Nadia lost the thread at that, which may have been Zaraโs intention.
โYou donโt makeโฆ whatโฆ do you think they make padded jackets out of penguins? Theyโre made ofย geese!โ
โSo geese arenโt as important as penguins? That doesnโt sound very vegan.โ โThatโs not what I said!โ
โThatโs what it sounded like.โ
โYouโre making a habit of this, you know.โ โWhat?โ
โChanging the subject as soon as you get close to talking about real feelings.โ Zara seemed to consider this. Then she said: โWhat about bears, then?โ โSorry?โ
โIf you get attacked by a bear? Could you kill it then?โ โWhy would I be attacked by a bear?โ
โMaybe someone kidnaps you and drugs you and you wake up in a cage with a bear, and itโs a 1ght to the death.โ
โYouโre starting to get quite disconcerting now. And Iโd like to point out that Iโve had an awful lot of training in psychology, so I have aย faivlyย high threshold for what counts as disconcerting.โ
โStop being so sensitive. Answer the question: Could you kill a bear then, even if you didnโt want to eat it? Iโm not saying youโve got a fork, but if you had a knife?โ
Nadia groaned. โYouโre doing it again.โ โWhat?โ
Nadia looked at the time. Zara noticed. She counted all the windows twice. Nadia noticed. They looked past each other for a while until Nadia said: โLet me ask you this, then: Do you think you mock the green movement this way because itโs the opposite of the 1nance industry you work in?โ
Zara bit back faster than she herself was expecting, because sometimes you donโt know how strongly you feel about something until youโre tested: โThe green movement doesnโt need any help to look ridiculous! And Iโm not defending the 1nance industry, Iโm defending the economic system.โ
โWhatโs the diPerence?โ
โOne is the symptom. The other is the problem.โ Nadia nodded as if she understood what that meant.
โSurely we created the economic system? Itโs a construct?โ
Zaraโs reply was surprisingly free from condescension, and almost sounded sympathetic.
โThatโs the problem. We made it too strong. We forgot how greedy we are.
Do you own an apartment?โ โYes.โ
โHave you got a mortgage on it?โ โHasnโt everyone?โ
โNo. And a mortgage used to be something you were expected to repay. But now that every other middle-income family has a mortgage for an amount they couldnโt possibly save up in their lifetimes, then the bank isnโtย lendingย money anymore. Itโs oPeringย financing. And then homes are no longer homes. Theyโre investments.โ
โIโm not sure I completely understand what that means.โ
โIt means that the poor get poorer, the rich get richer, and the real class divide is between those who can borrow money and those who canโt. Because no matter how much money anyone earns, they still lie awake at the end of the month worrying about money. Everyone looks at what their neighbors have and wonders, โHow can theyย a๏ฌovdย that?โ because everyone is living beyond their means. So not even really rich people ever feel really rich, because in the end the only thing you can buy is a more expensive version of something youโve already got. With borrowed money.โ
Nadia looked like a cat whoโd just seen someone skating for the 1rst time.
โI heard a man who worked in a casino say that no one gets ruined by losing, they get ruined by trying to win back the money they lost. Is that what you mean? Is that why the stock market and housing market crash?โ
Zara shrugged.
โSure. If that makes it feel better.โ
Then the psychologist suddenly, and without quite knowing why, asked a question that knocked the air out of her patientโs lungs: โSo do you feel more guilty about the customers youย hauenโtย lent money to, or the ones youโve lentย too muchย to?โ
Zara looked untroubled, but she was holding on to the arms of the chair so tightly that when she eventually let go her palms were bloodless. She hid it by rubbing them, and evaded eye contact by counting windows. Then she let out a quick snort.
โYou know something? If people who worry about animal welfare were really bothered about animal welfare, they wouldnโt tell me to eat happy pigs.โ
Nadia rolled her eyes. โI donโt see what thatโs got to do with my question.โ Zara shrugged.
โAll this talk about organic farming, adverts for free-range chickens and happy pigsโฆ isnโt it more unethical of me to eat a happy pig? Surely itโs better if I eat a pig thatโs lived a terrible life than one of those carpe diem pigs with a family and friends? The farmers say happy pigs taste better, so I can only assume that they wait until the pig has just fallen in love, maybe just after itโs had kids, when itโs at its absoluteย ha99iest, and then it gets shot in the head and vacuum packed. How ethical is that?โ
The psychologist sighed.
โIโll take that to mean that you donโt want to talk about your customers and how much theyโve borrowed.โ
Zara dug her 1ngernails hard into her palms.
โHave you ever thought about how vegans always talk about saving the planet, as if the planet needed you? The planet will survive for billions of years even without human help. The only people weโre killing are ourselves.โ
It wasnโt much of an answer, as usual. Nadia looked at the time, then regretted doing so at once because Zara noticed and got to her feet, as usual. Zara never liked to be asked to leave, and that tends to make you more alert to the way people check the time, and the second time they look you get to your feet. Nadia felt embarrassed and stammered, โWeโve got some time leftโฆ if youโd likeโฆ I havenโt another appointment after this.โ
โWell, Iโve got things to do,โ Zara replied.
Nadia composed herself and asked straight out, โCan you tell me one personal thing about yourself?โ
โSorry?โ
Nadia stood up and moved her head in an attempt to catch Zaraโs eye.
โIn all the time weโve spent talking to each other, I get the sense that youโve never told me anything truly personal about yourself. Anything at all. Whatโs your favorite color? Do you like art? Have you ever been in love?โ
Zaraโs eyebrows rose as far as they could go. โDo you think Iโd sleep better if I were in love?โ Nadia burst out laughing.
โNo. I was just wondering. I know very little about you.โ
Of all the moments they shared, this was one of the most remarkable.
Zara stood behind her chair for several minutes. Then she took a deep breath and actually told Nadia something about herself that she had never told anyone: โI like music. I playโฆ music, very loud, as soon as I get home. It helps me gather my thoughts.โ
โOnly when you get home?โ
โI canโt play it that loud in the office. It only works if I listen to it at very, very high volume.โ
Zara tapped her forehead as she said that, as if to illustrate what it was that didnโt work.
โWhat sort of music?โ Nadia asked gently. โDeath metal.โ
โWow.โ
โIs that a professional opinion?โ
Nadia giggled, which was embarrassing and highly unprofessionalโyou certainly arenโt taught how to giggle in psychology courses.
โIt was just so incredibly unexpected. Why death metal?โ โItโs so loud that it makes your head silent.โ
Zaraโs knuckles turned white around the handle of her handbag. Nadia noticed, so she pulled a pad of paper from one of her desk drawers, wrote something, and handed Zara a note.
โIs that a prescription for sleeping pills?โ Zara asked. Nadia shook her head.
โItโs the name of a good pair of headphones. Thereโs an electronics store down the street. Buy them, then you can listen to music no matter where you are, as soon as things start to feel difficult. Maybe that would help you to get out more? Meet people? Maybe evenโฆ fall in love.โ
Of course the psychologist regretted saying that last bit at once. Zara didnโt respond. She tucked the note in her handbag, stared at the letter at the bottom of it, closed it quickly. As she was leaving Nadia called out anxiously, worried that she had gone too far:
โYou donโt have to fall in love, Zara, that wasnโt what I meant! I just meant it might be time to try something new. I just think you should give yourselfโฆ just give yourself the chance ofโฆ getting fed up with someone!โ
Zara stood in the elevator. As the doors closed she thought about loans. The ones we grant and the ones we refuse. Then she pressed the emergency stop button.
