Witness Interview Date: December 3o
Name of witness: “5ules” and “Ro”
5ACC: Because you’re witnesses to such a serious offense as this, I really must insist on being able to speak to you separately rather than both at the same time.
5ULEs: WhyṢ
5ACC: Because that’s just the way it is.
5ULEs: Sorry, but has your body been taken over by a demon that sounds like my motherṢ What do you mean, “just the way it is”Ṣ
5ACC: You’re witnesses in a criminal investigation. There are rules. 5ULEs: Is either of us suspected of committing a crime, thenṢ 5ACC: No.
5ULEs: Well, then. Then we’ll do this together. You know whyṢ
5ACC: No.
5ULEs: Because that’s just the way it is!
5ACC: Christ, if there’s ever been a more diAcult group of witnesses, I have no idea where that could have been.
5ULEs: Excuse meṢ
5ACC: I didn’t say anything.
5ULEs: Yes you did, I heard you muttering.
5ACC: It was nothing. Okay, you win, you can do this together!
RO: 5ules is just worried I’ll say something stupid if she isn’t here.
5ULEs: Quiet now, darling.
RO: SeeṢ
5ACC: For God’s sake, don’t you two ever stop babblingṢ I said okay! I’ll interview you both at the same time! But this isn’t how it’s supposed to work!
RO: Do you have to be so angryṢ
5ACC: I’m not angry!
RO: Okay.
5ULEs: Yeah, right.
5ACC: I need your real names. RO: These are our real names. 5ACC: They’re nicknames, surelyṢ
5ULEs: Please, can’t you just focus on the interviewṢ It doesn’t really matter, does itṢ I need to go to the toilet.
5ACC: Okay, okay, sure. Because “what’s your nameṢ” is a really complicated question.
5ULEs: Stop muttering and just ask your questions.
5ACC: Right, I’m just a police oAcer, so obviously it’s perfectly reasonable for you to decide what goes on in here.
5ULEs: WhatṢ
5ACC: Nothing. I just need to confirm that the two of you were inside the apartment for the entirety of the hostage situation. Were youṢ
RO: I don’t know about “hostage situation.” That sounds very harsh.
5ULEs: Please, Ro, pull yourself together now. What do you think we were if we weren’t hostagesṢ Accidentally threatened with a pistolṢ
RO: We were more just an unfortunate consequence of some bad decisions.
5ULEs: Because someone tripped and happened to slip inside a ski maskṢ
5ACC: Please, can you both just try to focus on my questionṢ
5ULEs: Which oneṢ
5ACC: Were you inside the apartment the whole timeṢ RO: 5ules was in the hobby room for quite a long time. 5ULEs: It’s not a hobby room!
RO: Closet, then. Stop being picky.
5ULEs: You know perfectly well what it’s called.
5ACC: You were in the closetṢ How long forṢ I mean, how long before you came out of the closetṢ
5ULEs: What did you just sayṢ
5ACC: I mean, well, no, that’s not what I mean.
5ULEs: Right. So what exactly did you mean, thenṢ
5ACC: Nothing. I didn’t mean “come out of the closet” in any way except in relation to the fact that you were physically inside a… well, a closet.
5ULEs: We were in the apartment the whole time.
RO: Why do you sound so angryṢ
5ULEs: Maybe it’s the hormones, RoṢ Is that what you’re trying to sayṢ
RO: No, it really isn’t. Well, I certainly didn’t actually say that, in which case it doesn’t count.
5ACC: I appreciate that you’ve had a diAcult day, but I’m just trying to understand where everyone was at various times. For instance, when the pizzas were delivered.
RO: Why’s that importantṢ
5ACC: That’s the last time we know for certain that the perpetrator was in the apartment.
RO: I was sitting on the chaise longue when we had the pizza.
5ACC: What’s thatṢ
5ULEs: That bit at the end of the sofa. Kind of like a divan.
RO: No it isn’t—how many times do I have to tell you that it’s nothing like a divanṢ Do you know how you can tell that a chaise longue
isn’t a divanṢ Because then it would be a divan!
5ULEs: Give me strength! Are we going to have the same argument now as when I didn’t know what a commode wasṢ Do you know what a commode isṢ
5ACC: MeṢ It’s a type of lizard, isn’t itṢ
5ULEs: SeeṢ I told you.
RO: It’s not a lizard!
5ULEs: It’s that cabinet in the bathroom, under the washbasin, apparently.
5ACC: I had no idea.
5ULEs: No normal person knows that.
RO: Did you both grow up in cavesṢ SeriouslyṢ A commode is a kind of cousin to a vanity. You know what one of those is, presumablyṢ
5ACC: Yes, I know what a vanity is.
5ULEs: How can you know that and yet still call a wardrobe a walk-in closetṢ
RO: Because a wardrobe is a word used by someone who blogs about juicing and hasn’t pooped a solid turd for three years, whereas a vanity is a proper piece of furniture!
5ULEs: See what I have to put up withṢ She was obsessed with vanities and commodes for three months last year because she was going to be a cabinetmaker. 5ust before she was going to be a yoga instructor, and just after she was going to be a hedge fund manager.
RO: Why do you always have to exaggerateṢ I was never going to be a hedge fund manager.
5ULEs: What were you going to be, thenṢ
RO: A day trader.
5ULEs: What’s the differenceṢ
RO: I didn’t get around to learning that. That was around the time I started to get interested in cheese.
5ACC: I’d like us to go back to my question.
RO: You look stressed. It’s not good to bite your tongue like that.
5ACC: I’d be less stressed if you just answered the question.
5ULEs: We sat on the sofa and ate pizza. That’s the answer to your question.
5ACC: Thank you! And who was in the apartment at that timeṢ
5ULEs: The two of us. Estelle. Zara. Lennart. Anna-Lena and Roger.
The bank robber.
5ACC: And the real estate agentṢ
5ULEs: Of course.
5ACC: And where was the real estate agentṢ
5ULEs: 5ust thenṢ
5ACC: Yes.
5ULEs: Am I your GPS or somethingṢ
5ACC: I just want you to verify that everyone else was sitting around the table eating pizza.
5ULEs: I suppose so.
5ACC: You suppose soṢ
5ULEs: What’s your problemṢ I’m pregnant and there were people with guns, I had a lot of things to think about, I’m not some preschool teacher counting knapsacks on a bus.
RO: Is this a candyṢ
5ACC: It’s an eraser.
5ULEs: Stop eating everything!
RO: I was only asking!
5ULEs: You know she opens the fridge in every apartment we look atṢ Do you think that’s acceptable behaviorṢ
5ACC: I really don’t care.
RO: They want you to look in the fridge. That’s all part of the real estate agent’s so-called “homestyling,” everyone knows that. Once I
found tacos. They still rank in the top three tacos I’ve ever eaten.
5ULEs: Hang on, you ate the tacosṢ
RO: They want you to.
5ULEs: You ate food you found in some stranger’s fridgeṢ Are you kiddingṢ
RO: What’s wrong with thatṢ It was chicken. Well, I think it was chicken. Everything tastes like chicken when it’s been in the fridge awhile. Apart from turtle. Have I told you about the time I ate turtleṢ
5ULEs: WhatṢ No! Stop talking now, I’m going to throw up, seriously.
RO: What do you mean, stop talkingṢ You’re the one who keeps saying you want us to know everything about each other!
5ULEs: Well, I’ve changed my mind. Right now I think we know just the right amount about each other.
RO: Do you think it’s weird to eat tacos at a viewingṢ 5ACC: I’d appreciate it if you didn’t involve me in this. 5ULEs: He thinks it’s sick.
RO: He didn’t say that! You know what is sickṢ 5ules hides candy and chocolate. What sort of adult does thatṢ
5ULEs: I hide expensive chocolate, sure, because I’m married to a wormhole.
RO: She’s lying. One time I discovered she’d bought sugar-free chocolate. Sugar-free! And then she hid that as well, as if I wouldn’t even be able to stop myself eating sugar-free chocolate, like some bloody psychopath.
5ULEs: And then you ate it.
RO: To teach you a lesson. Not because I enjoyed it. 5ULEs: Okay, I’m ready to answer your questions now! 5ACC: Wow. Lucky me.
5ULEs: Do you want to ask your questions or notṢ
5ACC: Okay. When the perpetrator let you go, and you left the apartment, do you remember who went downstairs with youṢ
5ULEs: All the hostages, of course.
5ACC: Can you list them, please, in the order you remember them going down the stairsṢ
5ULEs: Sure. Me and Ro, Estelle, Lennart, Zara, Anna-Lena, and Roger.
5ACC: What about the real estate agentṢ
5ULEs: Okay, and the real estate agent.
5ACC: The real estate agent must have been with you as wellṢ
5ULEs: Are we nearly finished hereṢ
RO: I’m hungry.
