5ACC: You’d probably be more comfortable if you sat on the chair instead of the floor.
LONDON: Have you got something wrong with your eyes or somethingṢ You can see that the charging cable for my cell phone won’t reach the chair.
5ACC: And moving the chair is out of the question, obviously.
LONDON: WhatṢ
5ACC: Nothing.
LONDON: You’ve got really crap reception in here. Like, one bar…
5ACC: I’d like you to switch your phone off now so I can ask my questions.
LONDON: I’m not stopping you, am IṢ Ask away. Are you really a copṢ You look too young to be a cop.
5ACC: Your name is London, is that correctṢ
LONDON: “Correct.” Is that how you talkṢ You sound like you’re doing role-play with someone who gets turned on by accountants.
5ACC: I’d appreciate it if you could try to take this seriously. Your name is L-o-n-d-o-nṢ
LONDON: Yes!
5ACC: I have to say, that’s an unusual name. Well, maybe not unusual, but interesting. Where’s it fromṢ
LONDON: England.
5ACC: Yes, I understand that. What I meant was, is there a special reason why you’re called thatṢ
LONDON: It’s what my parents decided to call me. Have you been smoking somethingṢ
5ACC: You know whatṢ Let’s forget that and just move on.
LONDON: It’s not worth getting upset about, is itṢ
5ACC: I’m not upset.
LONDON: Right, because you don’t sound at all upset.
5ACC: Let’s focus on the questions. You work in the bank, is that correctṢ And you were working at the counter when the perpetrator came inṢ
LONDON: PerpetratorṢ
5ACC: The bank robber.
LONDON: Yes, that’s “correct.”
5ACC: You don’t have to do that with your fingers.
LONDON: They’re perverted commas. You’re writing this down, right, so I want you to use perverted commas when I do that, so anyone reading your notes will get that I’m being ironic. Otherwise anyone reading this is going to think I’m a complete moron!
5ACC: They’re called inverted commas. LONDON: Is there an echo in here or somethingṢ 5ACC: I was just telling you what they’re called.
LONDON: I was just telling you what they’re called!
5ACC: That’s not what I sound like.
LONDON: That’s not what I sound like!
5ACC: I’m going to have to ask you to take this more seriously. Can you tell me about the robberyṢ
LONDON: Look, it wasn’t even a robbery. We’re a cashless bank, okayṢ
5ACC: Please, just tell me what happened.
LONDON: Did you put that my name is LondonṢ Or have you just put “witness”Ṣ I want you to use my name, in case this ends up online and I get famous.
5ACC: This isn’t going to end up online.
LONDON: Everything ends up online. 5ACC: I’ll make sure I use your name. LONDON: Sick.
5ACC: SorryṢ
LONDON: “Sick.” Don’t you know what “sick” meansṢ It means good, okayṢ
5ACC: I know what it means. I just didn’t hear what you said.
LONDON: I just didn’t hear what you saaaid…
5ACC: How old are youṢ
LONDON: How old are youṢ
5ACC: I’m asking because you seem quite young to be working in a bank.
LONDON: I’m twenty. And I’m, like, only a temp, because no one else wanted to work the day before New Year’s Eve. I’m going to study to be a bartender.
5ACC: I didn’t know you needed to study to do that.
LONDON: It’s tougher than being a cop, anyway.
5ACC: Of course it is. Can you tell me about the robbery now, pleaseṢ
LONDON: God, could you be any more annoyingṢ Okay, I’ll tell you about the “robbery”…
