Sinking into the hot water of the hip bath, I thought about what Iโd do for a shower, but since Atlantian infrastructure was apparently the only thing the Ascended hadnโt been stealing, Iโd have to make do.
Except I couldnโt even extend my damn legs.
Cursing under my breath, I grabbed the soap from the nearby stool and got down to scrubbing it through my hair and across my skin. Iโd already gotten most of the blood off since I wasnโt in the mood to soak in what remained of the vampry on my flesh.
My thoughts wandered as suds gathered on the surface of the hip-deep water, revisiting Emilโs news about Alastir and my parents. Knowing Emil, he was already well on his way out of the city with Arden. He would do as I asked, delaying the inevitability of Alastir discovering what Iโd been up to.
What I would soon do.
With my knees bent, I leaned back and rested my head on the copper rim. My eyes closed, my thoughts veering to the Maidenโnot to what I planned to do, but to what had happened only a handful of hours ago. Not the best of decisions since a throb hit my dick, thickening it.
I was getting hard thinking about the Maiden.
โGods,โ I muttered, a rough laugh leaving me as I dragged a hand over my forehead.
A month ago, it never wouldโve crossed my mind. It wouldnโt have even been possible, and that had nothing to do with the shapeless white gowns Iโd seen her in or the fact that I had no idea what she truly looked like. It
wasย whatย she was. A virginal, untouched Maiden and nothing about seducing or being with an actual maiden was my kind of thing. Not because of her lack of experience. I could give two shits about that. Pleasure could be learned. It was the value placed upon such a thing. The idea that her
entire being was tied to her virginity.ย Thatย prevented me from even looking at her in such a way.
It wasย whatย she symbolized. The Ascended.
Iโd assumed she was a fully willing participant in the role she played. I shouldโve known better than to assume shit because Iโd obviously been wrong.
My eyes cracked open into thin slits. It made me wonder what else I could be wrong about when it came to her. Like maybe what she knew about the Ascended. Or what she really thought about how she lived.
I shook my head, not wanting to think about any of that because it led to nowhere good. Just as thinking about how sheโd felt beneath me, soft and warm, was leading nowhere good. My dick didnโt agree with that, though. It was all on board with my thoughts and memories, hardening and quickly feeling full and too damn sensitive as the tip jutted from the water.
โFuck,โ I muttered, running my palm over my face as the fingers of my other hand pressed into the copper side of the tub.
My hand dropped from my face and fell beneath the water. Thinking of how instinctually and eagerly sheโd responded to my touch, I gripped myself at the base of my erection. The breath I took was too shallow. Sheโd seemed so shocked by the prospect of asking for anything and receiving it, as if doing so had never occurred to her. Had never been possible. Clearly, it hadnโt because she hadnโt known what to ask for. She hadnโt known how to put into words what her body ached for.
But sheโd shivered in anticipation when I unfastened her cloak. In my mind, I could still see the sweet swells of her chest rising sharply and straining against the tight material, revealing the darker skin beneath, the deep, rosy hue of the tips of her breasts clearly visible through the thin
fabric of her gown. Never in a thousand years would I have thought the Maiden had such glorious breasts, soft, strong thighs, and a blade-sharp tongue.
The bolt of raw desire returned, pounding through me. Gods, what I
wouldโve given to get my mouth between those thighs. More than what Iโd do for a shower because I bet she tasted as sweet as she smelled.
If we hadnโt been interrupted, I wouldโve shown her that if allowed. I groaned, thinking of how I wouldโve tasted her, sipped from herโnot her
blood, but the dampness I knew had been gathering between those lush thighs.
I should be finding another way to slake my need, either through
violence or with anotherโthose willing were easy to find in Masadonia. But neither appealed to me as I stroked myself.
Staying with my memories appealed. Those minutes in the chamber
where I wasnโt Hawke Flynn. When everything about me wasnโt a lie, and I hadnโt become a phantom of darkness and madness made real. Where I was only living in the moment, not in the past or the future. And good gods, I hadnโt existed in the nowโI hadnโt been interested in that inโฆin fucking
decades.
Iโd be out of my mind to want to leave that.
Iโd be mad not to recognize the dangers of remaining.
But still my hand tightened, my thoughts needing little effort to return to that chamber and to see myself there. To conjure up the image of her, those berry-hued lips parted, and green eyes bright with desire as my mouth closed over the tip of her breast, the silk a decadent barrier.
My head fell back again as my hand pumped. I swore I could hear her voiceโthat surprising, cutting mouth of hers that was just as arousing as her soft curves. The way sheโd grabbed that bloodstone dagger, yanking the blade free of the mattress. Sheโd handled it like she knew how, which was another surprise that should be concerning yet had the absolute opposite effect.
That tight, curling sensation came out of nowhere and hit me hard, whirling down my spine. My hips reared, splashing water onto the stone floor. I gritted my teeth as I came, the rush of arousal an intense wave, taking a bit of my breath with it as pleasure rippled through me.
Breathing deeply, I lay there, heart slow to calm. Damn, I hadnโt come that quickly or hard inโฆ
Fuck if I could remember.
Opening my eyes, I stared at the dull white ceiling, body too lax to even attempt getting out of the tub. The release had eased the tension in my muscles, quieting my mind.
It was only temporary, though.
No different than when the warmth of another brought me pleasure.
Because my thoughts were already firing up, drifting back to the same shit. This was precisely what happened when I tried to sleep. Why I lay in bed
for hours, doing exactly what I was now: staring at the godsdamn ceiling as if it could answer what I couldnโt.
But that didnโt stop me from trying to remember the last time a release hadnโt felt mechanical. Just a thing my body wanted to be done with when the need hit. When was the last time it didnโt feel like anything more than simply getting off? An all-too-brief escape? Was it before Iโd so foolishly thought I could end the threat of the Blood Crown all by myself and got
taken? Had it been when I was with herโShea? My hand fisted in the water against my thigh.
I didnโt want that to be true as I searched my memories. S*x was both nothing and everything to Atlantians and the wolven. Intimately sharing oneself with another was something to be celebrated. The pleasure came from the closeness and not so much the actual release.
But that had become all kinds of fucked up while the Ascended held me, hadnโt it? Taking something that was an expression of mutual lust and
sometimes fondnessโor even loveโand turning it into an act to be dreaded. I wasnโt sure what had been worse about my time in that cold, dank cage. The numerous cuts made along my body as they stole my blood from me, pouring it into vials and chalices and then into mouths. Knowing they were using a part of me to create more Ascended. Theย bitesย while that bitch Queen and the bastard King watched, getting off on my pain. Or was it how the King forced me to watch while he killed, but not before committing every atrocious act one could do to another? Heโd let them turn and have at me until one of them finally ended the poor soulโs life. There were the half-Atlantians they found, and the full-blooded ones whoโd remained in Solis after the war, those theyโd kept in other cages since
before I was even born. The things they did to them. The blood I had to drink to stay alive. Or was it the touching? The caresses that started off cruel and then became tender with no warning.
The copper began to dent under my fingertips as the image of the auburn-haired bitch formed in my mind, no matter how much I wanted to forget what she looked like becauseย thatย was her specialty.
Queen Ileana.
The Blood Queen.
She was living proof that beauty was nothing more than an outer faรงade because she was the worst of them all. Her touch was scraping, sharp nails
that carved into my flesh and then turned to almost loving strokes, always seductive, always so veryโฆeffective.
That was what she enjoyed more than taking my blood: watching my body give in to her demands while I cursed her and struggled against the chains that bound me, throwing every insult I could think of at her. Even
after she grew tired of being the one to inflict such damage, and others just
like Ileana took her place, I still heard her laughter, soft and tinkling like the windchimes that once hung in the gardens of Evaemonโthe ones Iโd torn down in a blind rage upon returning home, frightening my mother and leaving my father silent for days.
Five decades of having pieces of who I was broken off, bit by bit. Five decades of surviving on the promise of revenge, of retribution, kept on the verge of bloodlust, always hungry, until the day my brother came for me. I barely recognized him. I barely recognized Shea.
And I no longer knew myself.
Lowering my gaze to my hands, I saw them. I saw what Iโd done with them. The first act Iโd committed after my wrists were no longer bound. A shudder went through me. I didnโt want to think about what Shea had done
โthe bargain sheโd made with the Ascended.
I didnโt want to think about what Iโd done to her.
Lifting my hands, I pressed my fingers against my temples instead of what I had done in the past too many times to count when I was alone and the memories wouldnโt go away. When the thoughts wouldnโt stop coming.
Pleasure wasnโt the only temporary escape. There was also pain.
And if my skin scarred as easily as a mortalโs, my arms would be a
coarse map that led the way to all the times Iโd sought to feel somethingโ
anythingโbut what those memories dredged up.
Neither the pleasure nor the pain had worked. I knew that, even though the years after my rescue were a blur of doing everything I could to forget by any means necessary.
My fingers slipped from the sides of my head. I stared at them once more, thinking of the unending stretch of waking nightmares. The long
nights of drinking. The even longer days of smoking the unripe poppy seeds until I was either drunk or high enough to forget who I was. And the
countless nameless and faceless bodies Iโd been with in those dark years afterward. Atlantian. Mortal. Women. Men. Those I fucked just to prove to
myself that I decided who touched me. Who I touched. That I had control. That I could still find pleasure in the act. But hell, Iโd been a mess. It didnโt matter how many times I proved it, how many times I looked at my hands as I did now, a near century later, and didnโt see chains cutting into my flesh.
Iโdย stillย be in that headspace if not for Kieran and others. If they hadnโt done everything they could to remind me who I was and whoโwhatโI wasnโt. Kieran had done a whole lot of the heavy lifting. Damn if he still didnโt. But theyโd woken me up. Theyโd pulled me out of the darkness and into a new life that held one purpose only.
To free my brother.
And that was who Iโd become. All Iโd become.
Not exactly who I was before. I would never be him again, but this was the closest I would ever get.
Now, the nightmares only really found me in sleep, and thereย hadย been times since then when s*x was about the pleasure of sharing myself with another and not about control or proving a godsdamn thing to anyoneโnot even myself. A few moments where it had been about something deeper.
But the other times? There were still many where I couldnโt clearly recall anything about their features. Too many.
There was no feeling of pride accompanying that realization. No smug satisfaction or arrogance. Because, truth be told, I still hadnโt forgotten that darkness. It lingered. Haunted. Just as cold as all those releases.
Just as empty.