Well.
Dammit.
I exhaled noisily. โGood question.โ โOr a pointless question.โ
โHow so?โ
He tipped closer, and that scent of hisโthe fresh, citrusy one, wrapped its way around me. โBecause we both know why we remained right where we are. I interest you. You interest me. So, here we remain.โ
Denials rose, but even I had the foresight to know how weak they would sound if I attempted to give voice to them.
Whatย wasย I doing here? With him?
My stomach tumbled as my gaze dropped to his mouth, and I quickly looked away. Staying here had nothing to do with his mouth for godssake. My heart skipped anyway. I was here because when would I ever get to speak so openly with a god who was rather mild-tempered? When did I get to talk so openly with anyone? Any other conversation was always shadowed by how Iโd failed the kingdom.
But he was aย god. And even if he wasnโt, I couldnโt say I knew him all that well. I was barely dressed, and Ash made me wary. Because right now, I could easily see myself doing something incredibly impulsive and reckless enough to blow up in my face.
I peeked at Ash. Heโd drawn that bottom lip of his between his teeth as he watched me. My heart started thumping, and all I could think was that today had been so veryโฆweird.
โWhy are you interested enough to stay?โ I asked. Dark eyebrows rose. โWhy wouldnโt I be?โ
โWhy would a mortal be of interest to someone from Iliseeum?โ
He tilted his head. โI am beginning to think you donโt know much about us.โ
I shrugged.
A breeze picked up a strand of his hair, tossing it across his face. โWe find mortals to be very interesting beingsโthe way you all choose to live, the rules you create to govern and sometimes limit yourselves. How fiercely you all liveโlove and hate. Mortals are uniquely interesting to us.โ He lifted a shoulder. โAnd you? You interest me because there seems to be little time between what occurs in your head and what comes out of your mouth. And there seems to be little regard for the consequences.โ
My brows knitted. โIโm not sure if thatโs a compliment.โ He chuckled. โIt is.โ
โIโm going to have to take your word for that.โ
That soft half-smile made another appearance, and that was all he said for a little while. โYou asked earlier if I killed a lot,โ he said, surprising me. โOnly when I had to. Has it been a lot? Iโm sure to some it has been. To others? Probably not something theyโd blink an eye at, but I havenโt enjoyed any.โ His voice was heavy. โNot a single one.โ
Even though his answer caught me off guard, it was clear this was something he didnโt like to talk about. I shifted, pressing my knees together. โIโm sorry.โ
โAn apology?โ
โIโฆI shouldnโt have asked that question in the first place. Itโs not any of my business.โ
Ash stared at me. โWhat?โ
โYou are entirely contradictory,โ he said. His gaze met mine and then flicked away. Several long moments passed. The silence wasnโt uncomfortable, and maybe that was because I was used to the quiet. โI remember the first time I had to kill someone. I remember how the sword felt in my handโhow it felt as if it weighed double. I can still see the look on his face. I will never forget what he said. โDo it.โ Those were his words. Do it.โ
I squeezed my knees together even tighter.
โNo death has been easy, but that one?โ His hand opened and closed as if he were trying to work feeling back into his fingers. โThat one will always leave the deepest mark. He was a friend.โ
I pressed my palm to my chest. โYouโฆyou killed your friend?โ
โI didnโt have a choice.โ He stared at the lake. โThatโs not an excuse or justification. It was just something that had to be done.โ
I couldnโt understand how he could do that, and I needed to. โWhy would it need to be done? What wouldโve happened if you hadnโt?โ
A muscle throbbed along his jaw. โDozens, if not more, wouldโve died if I hadnโt taken his life.โ
โOh,โ I whispered, feeling a little sick to my stomach. Had his friend been hurting people, forcing his intervention? If so, then I could understand that.ย Do it.ย Had his friend known that he needed to be stopped? I didnโt ask if that was the case. I wanted to. The question practically burned my tongue, but it didnโt feel right. And it didnโt feel right knowing that heโd been forced to do that and had also lost another friend to those three gods. โThen Iโm sorry you had to do that.โ
Ashโs head jerked toward mine, his stare searching. โIโฆโ He fell quiet for several breaths. โThank you.โ
โYouโre welcome.โ I gathered my damp hair and began twisting it, wishing I could share something so intimate, but I didnโt know how to do that. How to make myself comfortable enough to do so. The only other thing that came to mind and unfortunately spilled from my lips was utterly ridiculous. โI hate gowns.โ
There was a beat of silence. โWhat?โ
Perhaps I needed to haveย myย lips sewn shut. โI just find gowns to beโฆ cumbersome.โ And I also hated for my thighs to rub together, but that wasย notย something I would discuss with him.
He watched me. Being the focus of those steely eyes was unnerving. โI imagine they would be.โ
I nodded, face feeling too warm as I stared at the gently rolling waters of the lake. I knew I shouldnโt say anything, especially to a god who served a Primal, but what Iโd done was something I never talked about. Not even with Sir Holland. And I hadnโt realized until that moment how much weight those unsaid words carried.
But I couldnโt voice them. They revealed too much. They were too much of a burden.
Staring at the lake, I sought to change the subject. โHave you found out anything more about why those gods are killing mortals?โ
โUnfortunately, not. The three gods have been hard to track.โ He sighed. โAnd I can only pry so much without drawing unwanted attention. If I do, then I wonโt discover why theyโre doing this.โ
โYour friend, the one Cressa and the others killed?โ I asked. โWhat was his name?โ
โLathan,โ he answered. โYou wouldโve liked him, I think. He never listened to me either.โ
A small grin tugged on my lips but faded quickly. โWas his body left or was heโฆ?โ
โHis body was left, soul intact. He didnโt become whatever it was that woman became last night.โ
โOh,โ I whispered, watching the light of the moon ripple over the black waters. โIt doesnโt make his death any easier, Iโm sure, but at least he wasnโt destroyed.โ
Ash was quiet for a long moment. โYou know what you remind me of?โ I looked over at him again, and his gaze snared mine. Warmth hit my skin once more, seeping into my veins. There was no sting of embarrassment. This was different, a more languid and sultry type of heat.
โIโm half afraid to ask.โ
He was silent for a moment. โThere was this flower that once grew in the Shadowlands.โ
Every part of my being zeroed in on him. Where he livedโฆ He was talking about Iliseeum. One of the things I was looking forward to as the Consort was the chance to see the realm. I couldnโt listen harder if I tried.
โThe petals were the color of blood in the moonlight and remained folded in on themselves until someone approached. When they opened, they appeared incredibly delicate, as if they would shatter in the softest wind, but they grew wild and fiercely, any place there was even a hint of soil. They even grew between the cracks of stone, and they were incredibly unpredictable.โ
Did I really remind him of a delicate, beautiful flower? I wasnโt sure what part of me could be considered delicate. A fingernail? โHow are flowers unpredictable?โ
โBecause these were quite temperamental.โ
A laugh burst out of me. The wisps of white pulsed behind his pupil once more, churning slowly. His gaze shifted back to the lake. โIs that the part that makes you think of them?โ
โPossibly.โ
โIโm curious to learn how a flower is temperamental, especially such a delicate one.โ
โThe thing is, they only appeared delicate.โ He was closer now, having lowered his arm from the rock. โIn truth, they were quite resilient and deadly.โ
โDeadly?โ
He nodded. โWhen they opened, it revealed the center. And in that center were several spiky needles that carried a rather poisonous toxin. Depending on their mood, they released them. One needle could take down a god for a week.โ
โSounds like an amazing flower.โ And slightly horrifying. โIโm not sure if itโs a compliment to know that I remind you of a murderous plant.โ
โIf youโd ever seen them, you would know that it is.โ
I smiled, flattered despite it all, and imagined that it must not take much to flatter me.
โI have a question for you now,โ he said. โAsk away.โ
โWhy are you here by a lake? I imagine a Princess has access to a large tub filled with steaming hot water.โ
I stiffened, having forgotten that, in my anger, I had revealed that I was a Princess. โI like it here. Itโsโฆโ
โCalming?โ he finished for me, and I nodded. โWith the exception of the Hunters,โ he added. โHow often do you come here?โ
โAs much as I can,โ I admitted, studying his profile. It was all so strange. Him. Me. Us. This conversation. How at ease I felt around him. Everything.
โDo you never worry that anyone could happen upon you?โ
I shook my head. โYou are the first person Iโve ever seen in these woods
โwell, the first god. And not counting the spirits, but they never come close to the lake.โ
โAnd no one knows what you do out here?โ
โI imagine some of the guards know Iโve been in the lake since they see me return with wet hair.โ
His brows knitted. โI find it hard to believe that none of them has ever followed you.โ
โI told you, people are afraid of these woods.โ
โAnd what I know of mortal men is that many of them will overcome any number of fears the moment they realize a beautiful female can easily be caught in a compromising position. Especially a Princess.โ
โBeautiful?โ I laughed again, shaking my head.
He cut me a look. โPlease donโt expect me to believe that youโre unaware of your beauty. You do not strike me as the coy type, and Iโve been rather impressed by you so far.โ
โThatโs not what Iโm saying. But thanks, I will be able to sleep soundly knowing that youโre impressed by me,โ I retorted.
โWell, I wasnโt exactly impressed when I told you to go home and you remained.โ
I stared at him.
โBut then you kicked the Hunter, and I wasโฆwell, I felt something, all right.โ
My eyes narrowed.
โI canโt say I was impressed when you appeared as if you were about to embrace the Hunter,โ he went on. โBut then you disarmed it. That was impressiveโโ
โYou can stop now.โ
โYou sure?โ The teasing grin had returned.
โYes,โ I stated. โIโm not sure why Iโm still sitting here talking to you.โ
โPerhaps you feel indebted to me since I watched over you while you were unconscious.โ
โI was unconscious for a few moments. Itโs not like you stood guard for endless hours.โ
โI am quite important. Those moments felt like hours.โ โI do not like you,โ I said.
His eyes shifted to mine, and that curve of his lips remained. โBut you see, you do. Thatโs why youโre still here and no longer threatening to claw my eyes out.โ
I snapped my mouth shut. Ash winked.
โThe clawing of the eyes could still happen,โ I warned him.
โI donโt think so.โ He bit down on that lower lip of his again, the act snagging my gaze once more. โBesides the fact that you know you wonโt succeed, you said I was beautiful, and clawing my eyes out would ruin that, wouldnโt it?โ
My cheeks heated, but I wasnโt sure if it was the reminder of what Iโd said or the glisten on his lower lip. โI did suffer an injury to my head right before I said that.โ
His laugh was barely above a breath.
Twisting my hair once more, I focused on the ripples spreading across the lake. It had to be late, and I knew I should head back, but I was reluctant to return to life away from the lake. โWhat are the Shadowlands like?โ
โA lot like these woods,โ he said. When I looked over at him, he was looking at the moonlight-dappled trees.
โReally?โ
โYouโre surprised,โ he said, and I was.
โI just didnโt think the Shadowlands would be beautiful.โ
โThe Shadowlands consists of three separate places,โ he replied, and I jumped a little as I felt his fingers brush mine. That shiver of static danced across my knuckles as my head jerked in his direction. He gently disentangled my fingers from my hair. โMay I?โ
Seeming to lose the ability to speak, I simply nodded, even though I wasnโt entirely sure what he was asking permission for. I was silent as he tugged on a strand of my hair, stretching it until the curl became straight.
โThere is the Abyss, which is what everyone thinks of when they picture the Shadowlandsโfiery pits and endless torment,โ he said, staring at the strand of my hair. โBut there is also the Vale, and that is paradise for those worthy.โ
โWhat is the Vale like?โ
His gaze lifted to mine, searching. A moment passed. โThat, I cannot tell you.โ
โOh.โ Disappointed, I lowered my gaze to the long fingers that held my hand.
โWhat awaits in the Vale cannot be shared with anyone, mortal or god. Not even Primals can enter the Vale,โ he added. โBut the rest of the Shadowlands is like an entrywayโa village before the city. It is beautiful in its own way, but it was once one of the most magnificent regions in all of Iliseeum.โ
Once was? โWhat happened to it?โ โDeath,โ he stated flatly.
A chill swept over me. โWhat is the rest of Iliseeum like?โ
โThe skies are a color of blue you would never see in this realm, the waters clear, and the grass lush and vibrant,โ he told me. โExcept for when itโs night, the hours of darkness are brief in Dalos.โ
My breath caught.ย Dalos.
The City of the Gods, where the Primal of LifeโKolisโand his Court resided. โIs it true that the buildings reach the clouds there?โ
โMany surpass them,โ he answered, and for a moment, I tried to imagine what that must look like.
And failed.
I fell quiet as I watched him toy with the strand of my hair, sort of awestruck that a god was sitting beside me, playing with my hair, teasing me.
โShouldnโt you be home by now, safely and respectfully tucked away in your bed?โ he asked.
โProbably.โ
His gaze flickered over my face. โThen others must be looking for you.โ I laughed as I dragged my gaze from his. โTheyโre not.โ
โTruly?โ Doubt clouded his voice. โBecause they believe you are already where youโre supposed to be?โ
I nodded. โIโm very skilled at coming and going without notice.โ โWhy does that not surprise me?โ
I cracked a grin.
โIs that a smile?โ He leaned over, eyeing me far too intently to be serious. โIt is. Youโve graced me with three of them now. Be still my heart.โ
Shaking my head, I rolled my eyes. โIt must not take much to still your heart.โ
โApparently, it takes a mortal Princess,โ he said. โOne who roams haunted woods in the dead of night and swims gloriously naked in a lake.โ
I chose to ignore the gloriously naked part. โIs it common for gods to sit and chat with mortals after spying upon them?โ
He made that sound again, that deep and shadowy chuckle as he drew his thumb over my hair. I swore I felt that touch down my spine. โPrimals and gods do all sorts of things with mortals after unintentionally crossing paths with them.โ
My mind took what experience I had with โall sorts of thingsโ and happily played around in the gutter with it.
His gaze flicked up from my hair, eyes a molten silver. โEspecially with those weโve had the pleasure of glimpsing all thoseย unmentionableย places.โ
โCan we pretend as if that didnโt happen?โ
His grin spread. โAre you really pretending that it didnโt?โ
No. โYes.โ
Ashโs shoulders lifted in silent laughter. โAre others asโฆ?โ I trailed off.
โWhat?โ
It was hard to think of the right word. โAre others as kind as you?โ โKind?โ His head tilted. โI am not kind,ย liessa.โ
The way he saidย liessa. It wasย indecent. โYou have reacted far kinder to things most wouldโve reacted to cruelly and without hesitation.โ
โYou mean when you stabbed me?โ Ash clarified. โIn the chest?โ
I sighed. โYes. Among other things. Are you going to say you only have one kind bone to go along with that one decent bone?โ
โI would say that I have one decent, kind bone in my body when it comes to you,ย liessa.โ
There was a snag in my breath. โWhy?โ
Silvery eyes met mine once again, the wisps of eather still. โI donโt know.โ He let out a short, surprised laugh, his brows furrowing. โI donโt need to. Nothing would change from this moment, no matter if I left you upon waking or if I lingered longer. I donโt know. And that is anโฆ interesting experience.โ
What he said didnโt offend me because I wouldnโt have believed him if he had an entire list of reasons he was this strange with me. He was a god. Whether he lived hundreds of years or even longer, everything I knew could be contained in his palm. He was pure power given physical form, and there had to be countless beings in Iliseeum that were far more, wellโฆeverythingย than me. There were mortals far more intriguing and worthy of that one kind, decent bone in his body. And I didnโt mean that as a blow against myself. It was just the truth. I was unique because of what my forefather had done and that I had been born in a shroud and given a gift somehow and for some reason. Not because of anything Iโd done with my life. The only understandable part was that he didnโt understand why we sat here.
โBut there is something I do know.โ Curiosity rose. โWhat?โ
โI want to kiss you, even though there is no reason for me to other than I want it.โ The heated intensity of his stare held mine. โI would even go as far as to say Iย needย to.โ
A wild flutter started in my chest and quickly spread, much like that deadly flower of his that I reminded him of.
Did I want to kiss him?
I thought of when weโd kissed the night Iโd first encountered the three gods, and the sharp, swift curl low in my stomach told me that, yes, I did. I was attracted to him on a visceral level that hadnโt been overshadowed by how infuriating he could be from one moment to the next, or the fact that he was a godโone who served the Primal of Death. Both of those things should extinguish any attraction I felt, especially the latter, but I couldnโt deny that he was the source of the flashes of warmth that had nothing to do with embarrassment.
Nothing seemed real right now. Not from the moment Iโd healed the kiyou wolf to this very second. It was as if Iโd entered a different world, one where I didnโt have to become someone else. One where I wasย wantedย instead of scorned,ย desiredย instead of disliked. A world where I was just me and not the failed Maiden or would-be Consort.
I knew I shouldnโt. Just like I probably shouldnโt have worked up the nerve to enter The Jade and experience physical pleasure on my terms and just for me. I had no idea what the Primal would think if he ever came for me and realized that I was truly no longer the Maidenโif he would even know. I also knew there was a higher risk involved with Ash because he wasnโt a god from another Court.
But I wanted toย feel. I wanted to beย someone. I wanted to be kissed again. By him.
And I wouldnโt let who I was supposed to be, who I ended up becoming, or any thought of the Primal of Death stop me from allowing myself toย want.
My pulse pounded dizzyingly fast. โThen kiss me.โ