I HAD BEEN AWAKE FOR AT LEAST TEN MINUTES, KEEPING MY EYES CLOSED
against Kane’s glorious, chiseled chest, not moving a single muscle— not my arms wrapped around him, nor my legs twined in his. If I stayed still enough, maybe I could pretend to sleep forever. And never have to face the reality that I wanted to be with Kane again, desperately, desperately,
desperately.
I’d crawl over crushed glass to feel what I did last night. Not the pleasure—though that, too, was . . . world-shattering—but the moment I slipped into his bed and saw the look on his face. Surprise and lust and sheer relief—that was what had permanently altered my mind. I’d never recover.
The problem was what happened now, in the harsh light of morning. The thought turned my stomach into twisted, angry knots. I reminded myself that all we had to do today was go to Crag’s Hollow and speak to Esme. I could tackle the war in my mind and heart once Mari was awake and able to tell me what to do.
“How much longer are you going to pretend to be asleep?” I buried my face into his neck shamefully.
“I don’t mind, except that I’m starting to think you’re avoiding me.” He said it with a playful lilt, but an edge of desperation had crept in.
“How long have you been up?” I asked into his warm skin. “Awhile.”
I angled my head up to meet his sparkling silver eyes and noticed the puffy bags underneath them. “Did you not sleep at all?”
“I had business to do early this morning. And last night I was a bit distracted,” he said, brushing my hair from my face. I pressed my cheek into his hand like a needy kitten. I wanted to lick his whole body. To take a bite out of him. He was like a feast and I was starving. I wondered if he’d let me suck on his fingers—
“What are you thinking?” he asked, arching a brow and running a hand through his tousled morning hair. Oh, Stones. Not morning hair. I was already contending with a tan bare chest, jaw like granite, and large masculine hands. I could not handle morning hair, too.
I clenched my legs together. “I’m thinking about breakfast,” I lied.
“Perhaps if you want to fuck breakfast, but I know your lusty eyes when I see them.”
I felt my cheeks heat from shame. Not for wanting him—needing him— but rather that I had let him bring me to the brink of human pleasure and back last night, and hadn’t done anything for him in return.
“Fine.” I had come too far now to back down. “I was thinking of your wicked tongue.”
That earned me a slight grin, but his eyes were lacking their usual intensity.
My heart fell. “Not the answer you wanted?”
“That’s as good an answer as any man can hope for,” he deflected. “But we should get going.” He untangled me from his arms and stood from the bed, still in his breeches. He swept the room for his clothes. “I’m going to ask Griffin to stay here. It’s where he’d rather be, I think.”
I sat up and pulled the covers to my chest. Something was wrong. “You’re a good friend,” I said absently. My mind was racing. “He’ll appreciate that.”
Kane nodded. “Last night Briar told me Citrine is worried about Lazarus. Fedrik left for Shadowhold to meet with Lieutenant Eardley and get word to his parents. We’ll be back by evening, and can meet him there, if you want.”
“Fedrik left?”
Kane seemed to misunderstand whatever expression painted my face, and he cast his eyes down to thread the leather of his pant laces. “I’m sorry you missed him.”
“Is that what this is about? I told you I’m not with him, Kane. We barely kissed one time.”
Kane grimaced. “Gods, even still. I don’t particularly want to hear about
it.”
“I don’t feel that way about him. I never did, and I told him as much.
He’s just a friend.” “All right.”
“So why are you not in this bed with me?” An attempt at sultry, but my voice came out petulant. I cringed.
When his eyes finally met mine, they crackled with intensity. “We have a lot to do today, and time is of the essence.”
I should have just gotten up. What kind of sex-addled lunatic begs somebody to be with them? Twice if I were to count the way I threw myself at him last night. But the idea of Kane not wanting me at all anymore, after last night, was gut-wrenching.
Emboldened by the memories of Kane’s hands wrapped around my thighs, I sat up on my knees and slipped the straps of my nightdress off my shoulders.
“Arwen,” Kane warned, voice like ice but eyes as hot and rich as firelight.
“Kane,” I challenged, pulling the silken fabric down until I was kneeling before him, bare save for my ripped undergarments.
He groaned softly at the sight of my naked breasts, gripping the boot in his hand so hard I heard the leather crack. Still, though, he said nothing. Did nothing.
Fine, then.
I hooked my fingers along the sides of the remaining fabric at my hips. “Please don’t do that,” he gritted out.
But I had come too far now to back down. I wanted him to claim me. I slipped the undergarment off easily, ignoring the heat in my cheeks that mirrored his.
When he still said nothing, I flushed deeper. “You’re really going to make me beg?”
“You know what seeing you like that does to me.” “What does it do?”
“Your body makes me see stars.” He released a slow, tight breath. “When you’re on display for me like that . . . The things I want to do to you. Unspeakable, Arwen. They’re unspeakable.”
Heat gathered between my legs and I pinched them together. His eyes followed the movement and I whimpered. “Then do them.”
But he only crossed the room to my discarded nightdress and handed it to me. My cheeks went hot, and I pulled the dress over my head like I had been scolded.
“You needed comfort last night.” He ran a hand through his waved hair. “I don’t blame you for seeking release like that. I’ve done the same. Far too many times.”
“That’s not what—” “But I made a mistake.”
“A mistake?” My blood boiled with shame and hurt. “So you finally got between my legs and now you’re bored?”
“No—what? Arwen—”
“What, then? Is this revenge? For everything after Siren’s Bay? Kane.” I took a breath to calm myself. I didn’t want to fight with him anymore. “I never should have—”
“Arwen—”
“I know, I know. We have to leave. Maybe to you nothing matters more than getting this blade, beating your father, but to me—”
“You do,” Kane interrupted, still holding his boot. “I do what?”
“You matter more to me. More than revenge, redemption—anything.
Don’t you know I love you, Arwen?”
His words slipped out like an admission of guilt. All the emotion that had been welling inside me, creeping up my throat, ready to lash out at him, vanished like steam from a boiling pot.
“I’m in love with you.” His laugh was rough and tired. “Desperately so.
The way those sailors lost at sea love the bird that guides them home.”
He pulled his shirt on, still unbuttoned, before sitting on the desk across from the bed. “I know your feelings for me aren’t the same as they used to be, but it doesn’t change anything for me. Nothing could.”
On the verge of crying or laughing or pressing my lips to his, I sucked in a lungful of air.
“It was never my intention to burden you with this, but . . .” His voice was too quiet. “I just can’t be that release for you. I hoped I could, but I think . . . I think it might actually kill me.”
I merely nodded, all of a sudden feeling very fragile and confused.
So many nights back in the servants’ quarters in Shadowhold, I had fallen asleep to imagined moments just like this one—Kane’s declaration of love, riding off to that abstract cottage together . . .
But it had never been so raw, so painful.
I ached for both of us. For what we had put each other through. I had tried to use Kane. I had—
I moved off the bed, searching the room for my silk robe, wishing I could disappear entirely. “I’m sorry,” I muttered.
“Don’t be, please,” he said, standing. “Hey, that’s the last thing I want.
Last night was fun, right?”
I tried to grin, but nothing had ever felt so false. I wrapped the robe around my middle. “Of course, yeah.”
“Good, then my work here is done.” He gave me that knee-weakening half grin. “I’ll meet you downstairs.”
