There wasn’t time to speak privately with Ash or to take more than a few moments to make use of the privy as celebrators descended upon the dais. The elaborate crowns of the Primals, their reserved, wry greetings blurred into masked faces and looser, warmer smiles as they flooded the shield- lined aisle to where Ash and I sat.
Shouts echoed above the music every couple of minutes, jarring me as one well-wisher replaced another.
“Should I be concerned?” I asked Ector, who had come to stand at my side.
“No.” Ector smiled down at me. “They are cheers for their new Consort.”
A little thrown by the declaration, I glanced at Ash. He smiled at what a masked male said, but at some point during the greetings, he’d lowered his hand to where mine rested on my thigh. No one, except possibly Ector and Rhahar, who stood at Ash’s side, could see where his hand was, but it was a shock to me, nonetheless. The touch wasn’t for display, and the weight of his hand against mine was grounding, comforting as I…as I was seen by so many.
Only Kyn and Hanan didn’t approach, and I lost sight of them in the throng of people who continued forward in a wave. I’d been growing tired, my neck starting to ache from the weight of the crown, but the shouts—the cheers—had beaten back the exhaustion. It was…nice to be welcomed, and I couldn’t help but wonder if my mother had ever been welcomed by her people. Or my father before he died. I couldn’t remember. King Ernald and my mother had grown so distant from the people they were supposed to care for, but Ezra was different. She wasn’t ruling from a tower behind a wall.
Plates of food had been replaced with cups that were kept full, the music more frenetic, heavier, and I didn’t think any of the Primals remained
in the Shadowlands by the time Ash leaned in, letting me know that it was time for us to take our leave. Deafening cheers reverberated off the star- strewn sky as we made our way back to the entry house.
The carriage I’d arrived in waited for us outside the coliseum, surrounded by guards and soldiers in gray. Saion stood at the open doors, bowing upon our approach. “Your Highnesses,” he drawled.
Ash sighed. “You’re really going to start with that?”
“It’s not for your benefit,” Saion remarked, winking at me.
“Of course,” Ash murmured, a faint grin appearing as he climbed into the carriage, then turned, extending a hand toward me. “Consort.”
The wild fluttering feeling was back as I took his hand, welcoming the zap of energy coursing from his palm to mine. He helped me into the carriage as several of the draken took flight from the pillars, lifting to the sky above us. I moved to the bench opposite Ash when Rhain appeared in the carriage’s open door, holding two large shadowstone boxes. He placed them on the floor of the interior.
“Crowns,” Ash explained, reaching up to remove his.
A little relieved that I could remove the heavy—albeit beautiful— crown, I carefully worked it free from my hair as Rhain opened the first box. My neck immediately thanked me.
Ash knelt between the benches, placing his crown in the ivory velvet interior. As Rhain closed one box and opened the other, Ash took my crown, his fingers brushing mine and sending a shiver of awareness through me.
“They will remain with you two,” Rhain explained, sending me a quick glance as he slid the heavy boxes against the foot of the bench I sat on. “And then they will be moved to a small chamber off the throne room, where they are stored and can be retrieved whenever you like.”
“Thank you,” I said, and he nodded with one more skittering glance. I hoped he wasn’t thinking of what he’d told me before the coronation.
It was something I couldn’t allow myself to think about as my gaze found its way to where Ash lounged in the seat across from me.
“We will be on our way in a few moments,” Rhain announced before closing the doors and leaving us alone in the soft, dim light of a sconce, either powered by fuel…or Ash.
“Some of my soldiers will ride ahead,” Ash explained, his elbow resting on the ledge of the carriage wall. “To make sure the road is clear for
us.”
“Is that necessary?”
“Not really,” he admitted with a shadowed grin. “But they’re taking the
safety of their Consort seriously.”
I arched a brow. “But not their Primal?”
“I think they’re more worried about you than me.” “Sounds a bit…sexist.”
“Possibly.” His grin deepened, revealing a hint of fang in the glow of the sconce. “But not all the guards nor the soldiers are aware of your ability to handle yourself. However, even if they were, they would still want to make sure the path you travel on is a safe one. That is their duty.”
“One they chose?”
His fingers slid across his chin as he eyed me. “All those who serve as guards or soldiers do so out of choice, fully prepared to take on all the responsibilities of such a position. Is it not that way in Lasania?”
“Some say there is a choice for whether one joins the armies. But is it really a choice for those who weren’t able to learn skills while growing up or cannot afford to attend universities to discover new ones?” I said. “For many, joining the armies is the only way to feed themselves or their families, so I don’t see it as a choice.”
“Neither do I,” Ash agreed, and he was silent as the carriage remained still. He offered his hand to me once more. “Sit with me?”
I halted for a moment, mostly out of surprise, and then I rose, taking his hand. He didn’t lead me to the seat beside him; instead, he adjusted himself so he sat with his back against the carriage wall and placed me on the bench between one bent leg and the other that he had propped on the floor. The shimmering gown spilled over the side of the bench and his right leg.
“I can taste your surprise,” he murmured as he brushed the strands of hair from the nape of my neck.
I gave a little jerk at the touch of his cool fingers against my neck. “When you asked that I sit with you, I didn’t think you meant that I was to basically sit in your lap.”
“Do you mind?”
“No.” I drew my thumb against the inside of my palm, following the swirl there.
“Good,” he replied. “How is your neck?” “A little achy.”
“That’s what I thought. The weight can take a bit to get used to.” His fingers pressed into the tight muscles on either side of my spine, moving in slow circles. My lips parted on a heady sigh. “How does that feel?”
“It feels…” My eyes drifted shut. “Like magic.”
His chuckle was rough as his thumbs pressed in, soothing and working out the knots gathered there. My back arched, my breasts straining against the bodice as he worked his way down. It really was like magic, how quickly he eased the tension that had gathered there.
And how quickly he built up a wholly different tension that gathered itself far from his touch. One relaxing. One exhilarating. I couldn’t pick which was better, not even with a sword held to my throat.
Ash’s palms slid over the diamonds to curl around my shoulders. “How does your neck feel now?”
“Perfect,” I breathed, only then becoming aware that I’d reclined against his chest, and that the carriage had begun to move at a snail’s pace. “Thank you, Ash.”
He tensed against me.
My eyes opened as my stomach tumbled. “Do you…do you mind that I call you that?”
“No. Not at all,” he stated roughly, trailing his hands up and down my arms. “I missed it when you didn’t.”
Now it was my heart that spun as I turned my head to the side. “Really?”
“Really.” His breath danced over my cheek as his hands found their way to my waist. “I feel a need to admit something to you.”
“What?”
“I know we could be discussing many things right now. Plans for Irelone. What provoked this change in what you wish from me—from us,” he said, and my breath skipped as my eyes opened. “Your thoughts on the coronation.”
I bit my lip as his hands coasted down my hips, relieved that he had moved on. “But?”
“But only one thing has occupied my thoughts from the moment I saw you in this dress and heard you call me Ash.” His words were a silken caress in the carriage. “And it’s not seeing you out of this dress, although that is a close second.”
I trembled.
“Nor was it seeing you bare with nothing but the crown atop your head.”
My pulse picked up as his left hand slid across my stomach. “Was that a close third?”
“A close fourth.” His hand moved even lower on my abdomen, sending a wave of rippling pleasure. “Third was imagining you naked upon the throne.”
“I’m beginning to see a trend here.”
“More like an obsession,” he countered, lips brushing the curve of my ear and sending a delicate series of shivers through me. “One I’m likely not worthy of exploring.”
I stiffened. “You’re worthy.”
He made a rough sound against my neck, moving his left hand in slow circles that steadily made their way below my navel. “Am I? Doesn’t really matter at the moment because I’m too greedy, too selfish to care,” he said, and he was none of those things as he slid his other hand down my outer thigh.
I started to tell him he wasn’t greedy or selfish, but before I could get my tongue around the words, his hand drifted lower and over my thigh.
“What is this?” Ash asked, tilting his head to the side as he hiked up the skirt of the gown, not at all mindful of the many tiny diamonds as he bared my leg all the way to the top of my thigh. “Your dagger.” He made a deep, rumbling sound as his hand closed over the hilt. The touch of his cool fingers against my flesh caused me to jerk. “Fuck.”
I felt the scrape of his fangs against my throat. I gasped, places all over my body tensing deliciously.
“I think seeing you with nothing but that dagger strapped to your thigh has taken second place. Not first, though,” he told me. I jolted as his fingers coasted over my inner thigh. “Do you know what that is?”
My heart pounded as his fingers skated over the lacy edges of my undergarment, slipping over them. My hips nearly came clear off the bench as his fingers pressed against the center of the thin garment.
Heart thrumming, I couldn’t answer his questions as his fingers drifted back and forth. The touch was featherlight until it wasn’t. He rubbed me, drawing his fingers up my very center to the most sensitive part of me. There was no doubt in my mind that he could feel the dampness of that thin undergarment increasing with each drag of his fingers, or that he could taste
the rising desire. And that there was no hiding my response to him. My want. My need.
And I loved that.
Eyes open and fixed on the carriage wall at the other end of the bench, I gripped his arm as he began moving his fingers over the undergarment, dragging them down and back up to where desire throbbed.
“Sera?” His lips brushed my temple. “W-what?”
“Do you know what took first place in occupying my thoughts?” “No,” I rasped in a rush of liquid heat.
“Hearing you call me Ash,” he murmured. “When you come.”
I shuddered, a heaviness settling in my breasts. And lower, where his hand was between my thighs, sharp, aching desire pulsed.
“Will you appease my obsession?” he asked. “Will you call me Ash when you come?”
My chest rose sharply as I gripped his knee with my other hand, my hips beginning to move restlessly against his touch. “I’ll call you whatever you like.”
He nipped at the skin between my shoulder and neck. “That’s all I want to hear.”
“I can do that,” I promised as the carriage rocked forward, traveling over the bumpy terrain.
He groaned, pulling me tighter into the vee of his legs. “I can’t wait to hear it.”
“Then don’t wait,” I whispered.
“Wasn’t planning on it,” he growled.
My hips jerked as he slid his fingers under the thin undergarment and through the dusting of fine curls.
Ash…he teased. He played. For seconds. Minutes. Longer. I was shaking, gasping by the time he delved a finger inside me. The shock of sensations between my heated flesh and his icy finger was maddening, and the feel of his second finger left me burning for more.
I tipped my head back. “I need you,” I said. His chest was rising and falling as rapidly as mine against my back. “I need you.” I reached down, gripping his wrist. “Inside me.”
Ash’s fingers stilled.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered against the curve of his jaw. “When I come and call you Ash.”
“Fuck,” he growled, easing his fingers from me. He gripped the lace, tearing it with one sharp pull that sent a wicked thrill through me. “What’s stopping you?”
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing. Not even the swaying motion of the carriage as I rose, and Ash straightened himself, dropping both feet to the floor. He undid his breeches, gripping himself as I climbed onto the bench. Grasping the bar near the ceiling with one hand to balance myself as I planted my knees on either side of his hips, I hoisted my skirt with the other. He pulled me to his chest, trapping the gown between us as he drew me down onto his rigid length.
I moaned at the icy-hot feel of him, stretching and filling me in one scorching slide. His hand fisted my hair, drawing my mouth to his. The kiss stole my breath in a clash of teeth and tongues as he rocked beneath me. My fingers slipped from the bar, falling to his shoulder as I rode him, as we panted into each other’s mouths.
The sound of our bodies coming together got lost in the churning of the wheels outside, but inside the carriage, we were lost in our gasps, our moans, and in building, coiling tension. He shook, grunting as his hips thrust, and I ground against him, quivering.
The release came hot and cold, hard and quick as I spasmed on his cock. Intense waves of pleasure swept through me as I tore my mouth free from his and called him what he wanted as I came.
Ash.
 |
My muscles still felt like liquid when Bele greeted us on our return to the palace. Nothing had happened in our absence. Veses remained in stasis. Bele was mostly bored.
Ash and I hadn’t lingered, making our way upstairs as Rhain took the crowns to the chamber near the throne room. An inexplicable nervousness
invaded my senses, causing my heart to feel like it was bouncing all over my chest by the time we neared the doors to our quarters.
Would we go our separate ways, only to reunite in the morning to leave for Irelone? Sleep in our own beds? What’d happened in the carriage
—what I’d admitted to Ash—didn’t change things.
But I wanted it to.
I wanted to spend tonight together. And every night going forward. But so much had been left unsaid between us, and too much had been spoken in haste. It was likely that we’d continue as—
I stopped.
Stopped walking. Stopped the anxious spiral of questions that I couldn’t easily gain the answer to.
Ash halted a step ahead, turning to me. “Sera?”
Pressure threatened to squeeze my chest, cutting off my air, but I forced in a deep breath, holding it as I curled my fingers inward, against the imprint. All I had to do was speak and share what I wanted. And while I could easily make demands of every sort, this was different. This was more, and it left me feeling fragile. I wished I was privileged enough to even think that being honest about feelings or needs was nothing more than a simple conversation.
“I don’t want to sleep alone tonight.” Warmth slid across my cheeks. “I mean, I would like to stay with you. To sleep. Or talk. Or whatever. I…I just want to be with you.”
The flecks of essence in his eyes spun to life, beginning to swirl wildly as Ash went completely still. I could’ve sworn the very air in the hall ceased to move right along with him, but then his chest rose sharply. Tension left his features, and for the briefest moment, he—a Primal of Death—looked as vulnerable as I felt. “I would like that, Sera. Very much.”
My smile was immediate and so wide it felt like my face might crack. “Okay,” I whispered, some of the nerves beginning to calm. “Your chambers, then?”
Ash didn’t move, though. He stared as the eather continued whipping through his irises at dizzying speeds, as if something were occurring that he had no idea how to proceed with.
I shifted from one slippered foot to the next. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah. Yes.” Ash blinked, giving a small shake of his head. “It’s just that you’re…you’re beautiful.”
A pleasant, heady thrill swept through me despite the tension returning to the corners of his mouth. “I’m not sure if you think that’s necessarily a good thing. But thank you.”
His eyes widened slightly. “It’s a good thing. I think—I mean, it is a good thing. More than just good,” he said. A faint pink splotched his cheeks as he rubbed his hand over his chest. “Your smile just then? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile like that before.”
“Was it a bad smile?”
“No.” He came forward, taking my hand in his. A soft breath shuddered out from him. “It’s not bad.”
Ash then led me to his doors, the imprint on my hand tingling a bit against his. He was quiet as we entered his chambers, several of the wall sconces flickering to life.
“Are you sure I won’t be able to do that after I Ascend?” I turned to him, breathing in the scent of him that pervaded the air.
“Likely not,” he said, closing the door. “Other than the Primals, only the eldest of gods can turn their essence into power—electricity.”
“That’s really disappointing.”
Chuckling under his breath, he strode toward the table near the balcony, where a decanter sat. “Care for a drink?”
“Yes, please.”
He arched a brow at me as he picked up the decanter. “Since I became so distracted in the carriage,” he said, and I grinned, hoping for more distractions like that in the future. Many more. “I didn’t get a chance to ask what you thought of the coronation.”
“It was beautiful—the lights and the people.” I sat—carefully—on the edge of the couch, placing my hands over the diamond-adorned skirt of my gown. I was still surprised that none had fallen off during the return to the Shadowlands. A true testament to Erlina’s skill. “And it was easier than I expected.”
“You thought there’d be some sort of disturbance?” He twisted off the crystal stopper.
“I did. Or that Kolis would change his mind and show. Do you think it’s odd that Kolis only sent a few dakkais to Vathi instead of an army of them?”
“I imagine the dakkais lost the scent since it wasn’t as strong as when you Ascended Bele. If the trail had lingered, they likely would’ve done to Vathi what they tried to do to the Shadowlands.”
Nodding, I watched him pour the amber liquor into two glasses, thinking of the Primal of Rebirth. “I think Keella knows it’s me—that I’m the one she helped place Sotoria’s soul in. It’s hard to explain, but it’s the way…I don’t know. How she smiled at me.” Realizing that didn’t exactly sound like legitimate evidence, I shrugged as I took a sip. The liquor was a bit sweeter than the whiskey I’d drunk before. “What is this?”
“It’s whiskey but made differently. Caramel forward, or so they say,” he said. “Do you like it? If not, I can get you something else.”
“It’s fine.” I took another drink, liking it. “I could be wrong—about Keella.”
“You may not be, Sera.”
I blew out a low breath, unsure how to feel about any of that. “But she’s to be trusted, right? If she does know that Kolis is searching for me, she has never told him.”
He nodded. “She’s one of the few Primals that I somewhat trust.” “Somewhat?”
“I trust no Primal one hundred percent.” He glanced at me. “Especially not when it comes to you.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, so I took a longer drink. I knew better than to ask about Attes. His trust of that Primal was a rather reluctant one. I glanced at Ash, finding him watching me in that wholly intense way of his. Dragging my finger around the rim of the glass, I changed the subject. “Are you nervous about tomorrow?”
“I’m excited. We’ll have the knowledge of how to transfer the embers.” He paused. “Are you?”
“I think I’m a mixture of many things. Nervous that we won’t be able to find Delfai or that he won’t be able to help us. Excited about the prospect that he will have the knowledge,” I admitted. “I know it won’t change everything immediately even once the transfer happens. We’ll still have Kolis to deal with. But you’ll be the true Primal of Life soon, as you always should have been. And that’s important.”
“What’s important is that your life will be saved. That’s what matters.”
My gaze cut to his. You matter. Always. Those three words were more powerful than the ones I hadn’t been able to speak. One could easily argue that him seizing his true destiny was far more important than my life, but I…I believed he truly felt that my life was more important.
And that made what I felt for him root itself even deeper.
“I’ve been wanting to ask you something all night,” he said. “What changed this?”
I bit down on the inside of my cheek. “Changed what?”
He gave me a knowing look with a raised brow. “You said that you only wanted to be my Consort in title.”
“But I did say that I wanted to be more than that before,” I pointed out. “Am I not entitled to change my mind?”
One side of his lips kicked up. “You’re entitled to the realm, Sera, but that’s a rather stark change in emotions when I would think that Veses’ most recent actions would’ve fortified your wishes to remain distant.”
My mouth dried, and I didn’t think any amount of whiskey would alleviate that. I’d been doing my best not to think about what I’d learned— mostly succeeding in that endeavor. “It wasn’t a change in emotions. What I feel for you didn’t change,” I said carefully. “My opinion on how I wanted to proceed changed.”
“My apologies,” he drawled, thick lashes shielding his eyes. “What provoked this change of opinion then?”
I squirmed a little. “Does it matter?” “It does.”
My grip on the glass tightened. I didn’t want to betray what Rhain had shared with me. I also couldn’t tell him that I loved him—that I’d been in love with him before I learned of the deal he’d struck with Veses to keep me safe. I glanced at him, and my silly heart swelled so fiercely that my breath snagged. A storm of emotions flooded me. I didn’t feel fear or disbelief as I looked at him. I felt wonder. A wild fluttering in my chest and stomach. A need for him that went beyond the physical. A powerful empathy for him—the need to protect him even though he was more than capable of doing that himself. A feeling of rightness, or as Aios had said, the feeling of being at home. Of being seen. The knowledge that I’d do anything for him. Anything. The fear that I would never be worthy of what he had sacrificed for me. And the determination that I would do everything to be that. I was drowning in all those feelings until my heart began to
pound with the intensity of what I felt—with the knowledge that it was he who held my heart—only him.
Those thick lashes of his lifted as his gaze roamed over my face.
Seconds ticked by. “What are you thinking about?”
I stiffened. Oh, gods, I’d likely been projecting. “What do you feel?” “I don’t know.” He sounded confounded, curious. “I…I taste
sweetness.” His brows pinched. “It reminds me of chocolate and strawberries.”
“And you don’t know what that is?” “I don’t,” Ash said, frowning.
Gods.
My heart cracked a little as I quickly looked away. He didn’t know what he tasted because he didn’t know what love tasted like. Or felt like. Neither did I. Not until I realized what I’d been feeling, but Ash…it was different for him because his kardia had been removed. Love was never something welcomed or wanted.
I swallowed the knot, hoping I wasn’t projecting anything and that he wasn’t reading me. I didn’t want him to feel that sorrow.
“You still haven’t answered my question,” he persisted softly. “Why am I now Ash to you? Why would you want to be more than a Consort in title only after I hurt you? After I—”
“I know,” I cut in, briefly closing my eyes. “Know what?”
“I know you didn’t betray me.” I sat the glass aside, choosing my words carefully. “And that you truly didn’t want to hurt my feelings. That it…it wasn’t like that.”
Ash was quiet.
Squaring my shoulders, I pushed anything I might feel down so deep, he wouldn’t be able to pick up on it. Other than my anger, I doubted he would want to taste anything else. I twisted toward him, hoping I didn’t tear any of the diamonds free. “I know about Veses.”
His features sharpened as he lowered the glass to his knee. That was the only change. The only sign that he knew what I was referencing. “Did she tell you?”
I opened my mouth but decided it was probably best that he believed that. I didn’t want him to be upset with Rhain. “I…” I trailed off, having no idea what to say. The deal he made involved me, but he had been the
one who sacrificed. Him that Veses’ cruelty had impacted. This wasn’t about how I felt about it. My horror or anger or agony. There was only one thing I could say. “Thank you.”
The glass shattered in Ash’s hand.
Gasping, I shot to my feet as liquor and glass fell across his knee and onto the floor. Streaks of red smeared his palm. “You cut yourself.”
“I’m fine.” He closed his fingers over the pieces of glass.
“You’re cutting yourself even more!” I bent, grasping his hand as I brushed the shards of glass from his knee and the settee. The charge of energy was stronger. Blood welled between his fingers. “Good gods,” I whispered, returning to sit beside him. “Open your hand.”
“I told you, I’m fine.” “Open your hand, Ash!” He made no move to do so.
Cursing, I pried his fingers loose. Pieces of glass were embedded deep into his palm, slicing through the golden swirl. The slices free of glass had already begun to heal. “I know you’re a Primal,” I said, straightening his hand out as I placed it against my knee. “And you’ll heal just fine, but I’m also pretty sure you won’t with glass in your hand.”
“You’re going to get blood on your dress,” he stated.
“I don’t care.” I picked out a sliver of glass, dropping it onto the small table. “It’s not like I’ll wear it again.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t think one wears their wedding dress more than once.” I dug out another larger piece. Ash hissed. “Sorry.”
“Don’t—” He drew in a deep breath. “Don’t apologize. Don’t thank me.”
I briefly closed my eyes, cursing at myself. I wanted to apologize again because I’d obviously said the wrong thing.
“And you can wear the damn dress again whenever you feel like it.”
Nodding, I swallowed as I plucked out another piece. The scent of his blood washed over me as I smoothed my thumb over the imprint, searching for specks of glass I couldn’t see.
“Is that why you call me Ash now?” “What?” I looked back at him.
His flesh had thinned, deepening with shadows. “Because you learned that I’ve been Veses’ personal blood meal and suddenly realized you
wanted to be my Consort?” “No.”
His beautiful mouth twisted into a cold, cruel smirk. “Really, liessa?” “No,” I repeated. “I told you I wanted to be your Consort before.” “But that changed.”
“It did. Because I didn’t know everything when it came to her, and I…” I turned back to his palm, seeing that several more places still seeped blood. “I don’t want to say the wrong thing.”
“You won’t.”
I scraped a tiny piece of glass out with my nail. “I just did.” “That has nothing to do with you,” he bit out. “Speak.”
His tone would’ve set me off at any other time, but not now. “My feelings were hurt when I saw you two together. That changed what I wanted. You know that. But now that I know why you two…were together, my thoughts on it have changed.”
“We weren’t together,” he stated, and the temperature of the room dropped.
“I know. I…” Despite him demanding that I speak, he was the one that needed to, but only if he wanted to. Other than what I knew I needed to say, I had to shut the hell up. “What you did to protect me isn’t why I feel that way. I wanted to be more to you than a Consort in title only before I learned about that. What it did was help me understand a bit of what I saw. We don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to.” I looked over my shoulder once more. “But know that if you don’t kill her, I will find a way to do it myself.”
He stared at me for a moment and then laughed. Deeply. Hard. “I’m being serious,” I told him.
“Not a single part of me doubts that.” I held his gaze. “The bitch is dead.” “Agreed.”
“Good.” I returned to his palm, carefully plucking out the remaining glass. I only knew I’d gotten them all when no fresh blood seeped. “All done.”
“Thank you,” he said roughly.
Pressing my lips together, I ran my finger across his palm—over the golden swirl. I reached the end near his thumb and then his fingers curled, threading through mine. His blood stained both our hands, but him holding
mine was a…well, a beautiful sight. I brought our joined hands to my mouth and placed a kiss on the top of his.
His shudder flowed through to me. Minutes ticked by.
“I didn’t want you to know,” he uttered. “I didn’t want you to feel responsible.”
I fought the urge to tell him that what I felt was the last thing he needed to be worried about.
“And I…I didn’t want you—anyone—to know what kind of control she had. What kind of complication she is,” he continued after a moment, speaking to the back of my bowed head. “Attes knows she feeds from me, but he doesn’t know why. Only a few do. But we were never together. She fed from me. Sometimes, she made it pleasurable. Other times, it burned like the Abyss. And if I disagreed with where she wanted to feed from, it was almost always the latter in terms of how she did it. I actually preferred when it was that way. It was far better than the alternative. Gaining any sort of pleasure from her was—and is—the last thing I want. But the only thing of mine she has ever had in her is my blood.”
Whatever relief I felt at learning that it hadn’t gone further than her taking his blood was short-lived because forcing pleasure onto someone without their consent was still a violation, no matter what their history was. Blackmailing them into servicing any need was still a violation.
Closing my eyes, I kept my emotions in check because this wasn’t about me or how I felt. I pressed another kiss to the top of his hand. The backs of my eyes stung as I beat back the building rage and sorrow. I couldn’t allow any of that to take center stage. I stayed in control.
His hand tightened around mine, and a few moments passed. “Whatever skill you believe I have is pure luck because I honestly had no idea what I was doing.” He exhaled, and…gods, I wished I hadn’t said that to him. Why anyone, including me, assumed that someone without experience couldn’t give pleasure. That was so incredibly childish of me to think. “Still don’t, to be honest.”
I kissed his hand a third time.
“But Veses…she didn’t want me. She still doesn’t want me. Not really. She wants Kolis. Always has,” he said, and surprise bolted through me. “And since he’s never wanted anything to do with her, I’m the next best
thing. But I also didn’t want her. It was the refusal that got her coming back. Probably the same thing with Kolis.”
I still thought that perhaps her feelings toward Ash had changed. That she had come to care for him. But gods, how could you do what she did to him to someone you cared about?
Ash curled his arm, tugging me back. Another burst of surprise rippled through me as he pulled me between his legs and against him. His chest rose sharply but fell slowly. He relaxed into me. All but his hand. His fingers remained tightly joined with mine.
“She found a way in eventually,” he finally said. “She followed me the night you were brought to the Shadow Temple. We cannot feel the presence of other Primals in the mortal realm as strongly as we can in Iliseeum. I didn’t even realize she was there until she came to the Shadowlands a few days later. She must’ve overheard enough to put two and two together, and when she was here last, she knew there would be no more times beyond that. So, she was really pushing the limits that night.”
Three years.
He had been forced to feed her for three years.
I wondered if it was possible to make someone’s death last for three years.
“I hadn’t expected her to come so soon, and I know I locked that door because I didn’t want anyone to see that. Especially you. She must’ve felt you…” He cleared his throat. “I don’t know. I should’ve told you when you asked after waking up, but I couldn’t get the words out. I just…”
“It’s okay.” I turned in his embrace, tucking my head against his shoulder. “I understand.”
“I just…I couldn’t let her do what I knew she would if I refused. That was my decision. Not yours.”
I took a deep breath, swallowing all the questions of how and why he could have decided that at a time when he didn’t know me or anything about the embers. “I wish she hadn’t put you in a situation to make that decision.”
“There are a lot of things I regret. But keeping you out of Kolis’s hands is not one of them,” he said. “And that doesn’t erase or make anything all right.” His chin brushed the top of my head. “But it’s done now.”
“It will be,” I whispered. “When she’s dead.”
He laughed, the sound rough but warm. “Bloodthirsty.” I didn’t even try to deny it.
Ash was quiet for some time. When he spoke again, his voice was barely above a whisper. “Thank you.”
My eyes opened. “What are you thanking me for?” “For just… Just for being you,” he said.
“I’m sure many people would not thank me just for being myself, but you’re welcome.”
“Those people should die, too.” I laughed softly.
“Sera?”
“Yeah?”
“I wish…” His voice thick, he trailed off and then swallowed. “What?”
Whatever Ash had been about to say was lost as he tipped my head back and brought his mouth to mine. He kissed me until the ugliness of Veses faded into the background, until any concerns or worries about what we would find in Irelone went away, and until there was no space for anything but the feel of his lips against mine. Then there was nothing more than his arms around me, holding me. Me holding him.
Nothing but this moment. Us.
It was all that mattered.
