I dreamt of my lake.
I was swimming. That was how I knew I was dreaming. I’d never learned how to swim, but I glided seamlessly through the cool, midnight water. I wasn’t alone. A lone figure sat on the bank, watching.
A white wolf.
The wolf waited in the shadows of the elms, its thick fur a lush silver in the fractured beams of moonlight.
I didn’t know how long I dreamed, but I swam and swam, full of
peace. Surrounded by it.
The wolf waited.
My arms and legs didn’t grow tired. My skin didn’t wrinkle and prune. Neither hunger nor thirst found me. I swam above the water and then below.
And the beast waited.
 |
“Sera.”
I slowly blinked open eyes that felt as if they’d been stitched closed. It took a moment for my vision to clear and for me to piece together the rounded cheeks and chin, the onyx-hued hair and eyes that tapered at the corners—irises a luminous silver.
“Bele?” I croaked, wincing at the scratchiness of my throat. “My name is Nell.”
I inhaled sharply, surrounded by the scent of citrus and fresh air. “W- what?”
A quick grin pulled at her full lips. “I’m kidding.” The goddess looked over her shoulder and yelled, “She’s finally awake.”
I winced, my ears strangely sensitive. Finally awake? Bele disappeared from view, and I saw smooth, black walls and a long, deep couch. My head turned, and my heart stopped as my gaze landed on the small wooden box on the nightstand by the bed.
I was in the Primal’s bedchamber.
Memories surged through me—images of him and her in his office, the bite marks on his throat, and the crushing agony of my mad flight to the pool beneath the palace. The disappointment. The heartbreak—
No.
I wouldn’t go there. Wouldn’t feel that again—any of it. I started to sit up—
“Let’s not do that yet.” Rhain entered the chambers, the straps designed to hold his weapons hanging loosely across his chest.
I halted, remembering him being beneath the palace, breaking off… roots that had grown from the cracks I’d created in the foundation, witnessing my utter loss of control. My face warmed.
Rhain approached the bed I had no idea how I’d gotten into. “How are you feeling?” he asked, the line of his brows furrowed as he sat on the edge of the bed. He sounded concerned but also…relieved, and I didn’t understand why he would feel either of those two things.
Or why he would be in these chambers.
“Okay,” I whispered hoarsely, glancing around and seeing only Bele lingering by the couch, swathed in the gray of the guard. “Thirsty.”
“Bele,” Rhain called out. “Will you do me a favor and get us some water and juice, please?”
“Do I look like I want to do you a favor?” Bele countered. The answer would be no.
Rhain shot a sharp glare at her over his shoulder. She sighed heavily, rolling her eyes. “Whatever,” she muttered. “I’ll be happy to.”
The god’s lips twitched as he watched her stomp toward the doors. “Thank you.”
Bele flipped him off.
Rhain’s soft laugh faded as his attention returned to me. “Do you have a headache? Any jaw pain?”
“No.” Trepidation mounted, joining the rising confusion. “Should I?”
“Not sure.” He shrugged, and none of that was exactly reassuring. “You want to try to sit up and see what happens?”
“I don’t know.” I stared at him, even more confused. “Do I?”
A grin appeared, one I hadn’t seen since he’d learned of my betrayal.
It quickly faded. “Let’s try it.”
I had a lot of questions, starting with what had exactly happened to me under the palace and ending with the one I didn’t want to ask. Where was Nyktos? But I didn’t want to know where he was. Planting my hands on the soft mattress, I pushed up.
“Slowly.” Rhain leaned forward to help, his hand brushing my arm— my bare arm. A flicker of energy buzzed from my skin to his, drawing a hiss from him as he jerked back.
“Sorry,” I gasped. “Did I hurt you?”
“No.” He blinked rapidly. “Just wasn’t expecting the charge of energy to be that strong.”
It was similar to what I felt when my skin came into contact with… with Nyktos’s, but this hadn’t felt that strong to me. The blanket slipped as I sat up, falling to my waist and revealing that I was completely nude. I hastily yanked the soft fur to my chin as my eyes flew to Rhain’s. “Why am I naked? And please tell me it wasn’t you who undressed me.”
Rhain smirked. “Don’t worry. I’m not even remotely interested in what you just flashed me. Now, if you were Saion or Ector, I would’ve been all into the peepshow.”
“I didn’t flash you,” I grumbled, clenching the blanket. “On purpose.”
He watched me lean against the tufted headboard. “By the way, it was either Aios or Bele who did that. You were coated in dust and dirt, and Nyktos didn’t want you to wake up covered in filth.”
My heart gave a too-sharp twist. “How thoughtful of him.” Rhain’s head cocked once more, his eyes narrowing.
I glanced at the doors again, then to the one leading to the bathing chamber. Both were closed. I refocused on Rhain. “What in the hell happened?”
“I was hoping you could answer that for me.”
“I just woke up, so how am I supposed to know?”
“I was talking about what came before you lost your shit and nearly collapsed the entire palace,” he replied, and I tensed. “Never seen anything
like that—not even from a Primal in their Culling.” His chin lifted slightly. “You’re powerful, Sera.”
“Thanks,” I murmured.
“Not sure if it’s a compliment,” he replied. “What’s the last thing you remember?”
It took a couple of moments to put the panicked, disjointed memories into order. “I…I shattered a table, and the whole palace was shaking. There were these roots coming out of the ground.” I shook my head. “Then…Nyktos was there. So were you. I was…”
“Losing your shit?”
I arched a brow. “That’s one way of putting it,” I muttered. “I didn’t mean to lose control and do whatever I was doing. It just happened, and I…” My face warmed further. “I panicked.” There was more, faded memories of Rhain telling Nyktos something. “That’s the last thing I remember.”
Bele swept back into the chamber then, carrying a glass in one hand and a pitcher in the other. The daggers strapped to her hips and thighs glittered darkly under the nearby sconces as she came closer.
“I feel like I missed something,” I said, eyeing the cup Bele held, wanting to snatch it from her hands.
Bele snorted.
Rhain sent her another disgruntled look I wasn’t sure she even noticed
—or cared about if she did. He took the cup from her and handed it to me, careful not to let his hands contact mine.
Which made me even more concerned. But Rhain’s behavior left me all the more unnerved. “Why are you being nice to me?” I blurted out.
Bele let out a loud laugh as Rhain leaned back a good foot. “I don’t know what you mean,” he said.
“You don’t like me. We both know that,” I pointed out, watching the slopes of Rhain’s cheeks turn pink. “But you’re here, and you’re being sort of nice. So, did I almost die or something?”
“Well.” Bele drew out the word.
My unease grew as I lifted the cup to my parched lips. The first swallow of water was bliss. I drank greedily, my eyes closing as I gulped down the cool liquid.
“Slow it down,” Rhain advised softly. “It’s been a while since you ate, and I don’t want you to get sick from drinking too fast.”
A while since I ate? I’d had a rather large breakfast, and that couldn’t have been that long ago. I glanced between the two. Unless it had been longer than I realized. I sipped the water. “Exactly how long have I been sleeping?”
“For three days,” Bele answered.
I choked, spitting water all over my chin and onto Rhain’s arms. “Could you have waited until she finished swallowing?” he asked the
goddess.
Bele shrugged. “Considering how much she is drinking, that would have been an hour from now.”
“I’m sorry.” I dragged my arm across my chin. “I’ve been asleep for
three days? How is that possible?”
“The Culling.” Rhain took my cup, placing it on the nightstand. “And it’s not really a sleep. It’s stasis. It can happen when the body is overworked. Basically, your system shuts down to give itself time to rebuild the depleted energy required for when you’re in the Culling. It doesn’t always happen,” he said, and I remembered Nyktos mentioning it before. “It all depends on how much energy you’ve been using, and what you’ve been doing to replenish that energy.”
“I slept once for four days.” Bele crossed her arms. “It was like hibernating. I kind of wish I could do that now, to be honest.”
Rhain sighed as I dragged my gaze from her and reached for my water. He grabbed the cup, handing it over. I finished the contents, wishing it was whiskey. “Anyway, you exhausted yourself, so your body gave you time to recover.”
“You’re lucky it was only three days.” Bele went back to the table to grab the pitcher of what I hoped was juice. “You could’ve been knocked out for weeks.”
“Weeks? That can happen?” I mumbled.
Rhain nodded. “It’s happened to gods who haven’t been feeding. But most in their Culling don’t survive that kind of energy depletion.”
I frowned. “The roots that came out of the ground? Is that what happens normally?”
Rhain scoffed. “Hell, no, it’s not. That only happens when Primals go into stasis. The roots—they’re meant to protect a Primal as they rest. They were protecting you.”
“They were choking me.”
“They were trying to cover you, to keep you safe. Okay, let me explain it this way,” Rhain said when he saw my look of disbelief. “Primals are a part of the very fabric of the realms. The roots keep them connected to the realms while they rest. Understand?”
“Yeah,” I whispered.
Rhain squinted. “You don’t understand.”
“No.” I turned to Bele. “But either way, I’m not a Primal.”
“But you have Primal embers in you. So, yeah, you’re basically a Primal in their Culling.” Bele refilled the cup. “You’re a little ball of specialness.”
Rhain looked a little less than impressed by that statement.
“You just need to make sure that doesn’t happen again,” Rhain said as I took the cup from Bele. “Because the next time you go to sleep, you may not wake up.”
“Like…at all,” Bele added as I took a drink of the sweet fruit juice. It did so much more to ease the scratchiness of my throat. “It’s common enough that you kind of prepare to die during the Culling.”
“Bele,” Rhain groaned.
“What? It’s true. I told my mother I wanted a ceremony if I died,” she went on. “A large, obnoxious one full of endless prayers to the Primals and a countless stream of mourners to speak only of how great I was. I want loud, heartfelt sobbing—not just a few tears. I’m talking full-on, ugly crying. Snot running down the face kind of sobbing.” The skin above her brows creased as her lips pursed. “And at least one good fight as my body burns. Like a full-on fight that even knocks over the pyre.”
I stared at Bele. “Wow.”
“That about sums it up,” Rhain remarked.
I looked at him and then remembered what he’d been saying to Nyktos. You’ve got to stop this. Do it. And I remembered becoming empty. Blank. My grip on the cup tightened. “I didn’t go to sleep.”
“No, not on your own,” Rhain confirmed. “Nyktos…he used compulsion on me.”
“He didn’t want to,” Rhain said, and I remembered that, too— remembered Nyktos trying to get me to calm my breathing. His near- palpable reluctance. “But if he hadn’t, you wouldn’t be here. If you didn’t bring the palace down on us, you could’ve gone into your Ascension. And
that would’ve killed you. Do you understand? Because that was likely what was happening. You were forcing yourself into Ascension.”
I wasn’t forcing myself into shit, but I got what he was saying. “I…I understand,” I said, and that was hard. “I get why he had to do it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
Rhain’s nostrils flared. “Yet again, I don’t think you understand.”
Anger sparked as I held his stare. “I spent my whole life without free will, but I was aware that I had no control. With compulsion, I have no awareness. That may not seem like a difference to you or one that should matter, but it does to me. But like I said, I understand why he did it. The alternative would’ve been death.”
Something flickered over his face, but it was gone before I could understand what it was. “Just don’t hold it against him.” He looked away. “He’ll do that for you.”
Something else Rhain had said suddenly struck me. That I had no idea what Nyktos had sacrificed for me—
Juice sloshed as Bele plopped down on the side of the bed, weapons and all. Rhain sent her an exasperated look.
Clearing my thoughts, I took a careful drink as I refocused on what was important. “How do we keep this from happening again?” I asked. “The going into stasis—”
“And likely dying?” Bele finished for me. “Yeah,” I muttered. “That.”
“Eating. Lots of protein.” Bele propped herself against the headboard. “Chocolate, too, if I remember correctly.”
Chocolate. Now I understood why that often accompanied the food brought to me and why Nyktos was always so focused on my meals.
“Physical activity,” Rhain tacked on. “That helps.”
“And, yeah, that sounds counterproductive,” Bele said. “But there’s science behind it that I never cared to learn. Sleeping. Like not that sleep- of-the-dead thing you were just doing, but normal, good old eight hours of sleep.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever slept eight hours multiple nights,” I said. “The chocolate I can deal with, though.”
“Blood also helps.” Bele lifted an eyebrow as I glanced at her. “Blood of the gods, that is. Or a Primal’s.” She winked at me. “You’d drink it just like you’re chugging that juice,” she said, and I glanced down at my cup.
“It can be a little weird that way if you don’t keep it warm. Gets kind of thick and congealed.”
“Fates,” Rhain muttered, running his hand down his face.
My stomach churned as I leaned into the headboard. I should’ve paid way more attention to Nyktos when he warned me about the Culling instead of getting annoyed with his comments about making sure I was eating and resting enough. I lowered the cup, glancing past Bele to the chamber doors. “Has anyone else been here while I rested?”
“Not that I know of,” Bele said.
I glanced at Rhain. He was staring at the pitcher. Did neither of them know about Veses’ visit? Rhain must have been close by to find me by the pool with Nyktos, but that didn’t mean he knew she’d been here. As far as I knew, gods couldn’t sense a Primal’s arrival like another Primal could.
“Where is he?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking.
“At the Pillars, dealing with some nervous souls.” Bele stretched out her long legs, dropping her crossed ankles in Rhain’s lap. “He’s probably going to be super disappointed to learn that you decided to finally wake up when he wasn’t here.”
I doubted that.
“You know, he’s been here nearly the whole time you’ve slept,” Bele said as Rhain knocked her booted feet from his lap. “Sleeping beside you. Not straying farther than his office unless he had to. Clucking over you like a mother hen of death.”
My fingers pressed into the cup as that sliced straight through my chest. “He was worried about the embers. If I die, they go with me.”
“Yeah, I don’t think that was it.” Bele plopped her feet back in Rhain’s lap. “He was worried, wasn’t he, Rhain?”
“Yeah,” Rhain grumbled, not bothering to remove her feet this time. “I honestly thought he was going to kill Ector at least five times in the last three days.”
Bele grinned at that.
And I…I didn’t know what to do about any of it as Rhain and Bele started to argue over whether Ector had deserved the many threats of death he’d received. I understood enough about emotions in general to know that one could care for another and still do things that could…hurt them— intentionally or not. I’d seen that enough in the mortal realm, and I doubted Primals were any different since they got their emotions from
mortals. And now, a little removed from what I’d seen in his office, I could admit to myself that Nyktos cared for me. He’d proven that. But what I’d seen showed how shallow those feelings ran. Not only that, he’d clearly lied to me about his relationship with Veses—how he felt about her. Who knew what else he hadn’t been truthful about. But I also…
I cared too much.
I wouldn’t have reacted the way I did otherwise. I would’ve been more angry than hurt. My heart wouldn’t have felt as if it were breaking. I had feelings for him, and that was never a part of the deal I’d struck with him. That was never in the cards for me. But I’d opened the door to him, letting myself feel safe with him and want more than I should. And that was on me. But what was on him? The mistake he’d made? He’d walked through that open door.
And that felt like an unforgivable mistake. On both our parts.
Because we could’ve had what I’d offered in that deal. Pleasure for the sake of pleasure. Fucking and nothing more. No long conversations about anxiety or my fears about what kind of person I was. He didn’t need to ask about my life in Lasania. I didn’t need to wonder about his.
I stared at the dark, ruby-red juice, my eyes burning. If I were being honest with myself, it never could’ve stayed purely physical. I had started to care for him when I’d been determined to kill him. I’d started to want more even then.
Closing my eyes, I willed the stinging away and forced my thoughts to what would come next. What I saw between him and Veses didn’t change that there were far bigger issues to deal with. There was finding Delfai in Irelone. Removing the embers. Dealing with Kolis. All things that required Nyktos and me to work together. But most importantly, I couldn’t lose control again. Doing so was too dangerous. For others. For me.
And contrary to what Nyktos believed, I didn’t want to die. Not when there was the possibility of a future that wouldn’t be dictated by a destiny I’d never agreed to. A life that I and no one else owned. I needed to survive to live that.
Because I wanted that. Deserved it.
Which meant I needed to become Nyktos’s Consort. Until we dealt with Kolis, I needed the protection the title offered. But it couldn’t be
anything more than that. I was mature enough to acknowledge that, no matter how much I enjoyed being in Nyktos’s arms. No matter how much I wanted that. Because the physical stuff led to wanting more. To feelings. And that wasn’t safe. Not for me. Not for others. My chest ached even now, a sure sign that I wanted too much.
But once we handled Kolis? I could want to my heart’s content—and what I wanted was freedom.
I knew what I had to do.
Resolve formed as I opened my eyes. Bele and Rhain still argued. Over what, I had no idea. But Rhain watched me. I reached over Bele, placing the cup on the nightstand.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Getting out of this bed.” I tugged on the fur, but half of it was stuck under both her and Rhain. “Could you all move? If not, I’m going to have to get out of this bed completely naked.”
“I don’t necessarily have a problem with that,” Bele remarked. “But Nyktos might.”
“That’s his problem, not mine,” I said. “And the last time I checked, I am more than capable of deciding how long I want to stay in bed.”
“It’s not about being capable or controlling you,” Rhain argued. “It’s about making sure you are ready to be up and moving about. You weren’t napping, Sera. You were in stasis—something that you shouldn’t have been able to survive. Mentally, you may think you’re all good, but physically, you may not be.”
He had a point, I’d give him that. But I didn’t want to be in Nyktos’s bed when he returned. I couldn’t. “I need to use the bathing chamber.”
“Why didn’t you just say that?” Bele sighed as she rolled herself off the bed.
Rhain hesitated, the look on his face saying he didn’t quite believe me, but he rose, too. I gathered the fur around myself and scooted to the other side of the bed. I stood, thankful to discover that my legs didn’t collapse on me. They felt a little weird as I took a step, though—a bit tingly from the lack of movement. Holding the fur close, I headed straight for the narrow corridor between the two chambers.
“Where are you going?” Bele demanded.
“To my bathing chambers. And that is where I’m staying,” I announced with as much authority as I could while draped in a blanket.
Neither stopped me. They followed, though. My bedchambers were as I’d left them. The drapes on the balcony doors were pulled back, revealing the dark gray sky. It was night. One of them turned on the lights in the walls as I padded into the bathing chamber, grabbing the dressing robe on the way. I closed the door, not allowing myself to think about what had happened in this space. I needed to get over that because I would not be making use of Nyktos’s bathing chambers again.
I ignored the twinge of disappointment I felt as I took care of personal needs and then asked through the door, “Can I have hot water brought up?”
There was a muffled affirmative, and then I waited, taking the time in the silence of the bathing chamber to find calm. I searched for the veil, and this time it wasn’t a failure. I found that nothingness, the thing that let me shut off the disappointment, the pain, and the anger. Sealed off the desire
—no, the need—to know exactly what Nyktos had been doing with Veses down to the last disgusting detail. I took all those messy emotions and, in my mind, locked them away in an indestructible box made of shadowstone.
A knock came. I exhaled, long and slow, letting the emptiness invade every part of my being as I cracked open the door. It wasn’t Baines with water but Rhain. I stood back as he filled the tub and then thanked him when he finished.
“I’ll make sure some food is sent up,” Rhain said and then left, closing the door behind him.
I took the fastest bath of my entire life, but I got my ass in the actual tub. I faced the door this time, though, and my heart pounded through the whole thing.
It was a success—a minor one, but still. I quickly combed out the tangles in my wet hair and braided it because my stomach had decided to wake up at some point during the bath. I was starving.
Only Bele remained in my chambers when I stepped out. I didn’t see her at first as my eyes were glued to the covered dish on the table.
“It’s soup,” Bele said, and my gaze darted to the couch. She had planted herself there, legs outstretched and ankles crossed on the arm of the sofa. “Easily digestible.”
“Thanks,” I murmured, hurrying to the table. A rather large bowl of soup waited, along with two slices of bread and a hunk of chocolate. I
devoured it all in silence.
“Still hungry?” Bele asked.
Leaning back in the chair, I briefly considered asking for more, but my stomach was already feeling stretched too tight, and I deserved the bottle of wine that sat nearby. “I’m good.” I glanced over at the couch. All I could see was the back of her dark head and the pointed tips of her boots. I grabbed the bottle of wine and the glass and rose, moving to the bed so I could see her. I sat on the edge. “Are you watching over me until Nyktos’s return?”
“Nope. Orphine is nearby.” She rocked her feet back and forth. “I’m here because I’m nosy.”
My brows shot up.
“I was here, you know, when the whole damn palace started shaking the other day,” she continued after a moment. “At first, I thought it was another attack and got kind of excited. That’s how bored I’ve been. But when I looked outside and saw nothing, I figured Nyktos was in a pissy mood. That was the only logical explanation since not even the oldest, most powerful gods could make the entire palace rattle.”
I poured myself half a glass of wine and then, on second thought, filled the entire thing, figuring I’d need it for whenever Nyktos made an appearance.
“But it was you doing it.” Bele craned her neck, looking back at me. “A mortal with Primal embers in their Culling.”
I took a long drink at the unnecessary recap.
“Like what the fuck? How is that possible? I get you’re super special, but…good Fates,” Bele said, and I nodded in silent agreement at the disbelief in her tone. “Anyway, what pissed you off?”
I took another gulp of wine.
“And I know something had to because that’s about the only thing that gets the eather going during the Culling.” She sat up. “When I was in my Culling and near the Ascension, I shattered windows if I even got slightly upset about something. Lots of them. By the time I finished the Culling, there were no windows left in the home.”
“Has anyone ever suggested that you may have anger issues?” I asked.
Bele snorted. “Says possibly the most argumentative, combative person I’ve ever met.”
I frowned. “I am not combative.”
She raised her brows. “I’m…assertive.”
“Aggressively assertive,” she countered. “As you should be—as all of us need to be. So, no shame there.”
“Okay,” I murmured, taking another drink. The sweet wine warmed my blood. “Why are you really here, Bele?”
“That was a rude question.” I stared at her.
Bele hadn’t done anything wrong, but when I found that veil of nothingness, it wasn’t easy to put it on and take it off at will. The more I allowed myself to feel anything, the harder it was to find that calm emptiness. And that was why it had been so difficult for me to find it within myself to shut down my emotions. I’d left myself open for too long.
So, this was how it would be.
Then Bele said, “I know Veses was here.”
