They buried him in the afternoon. Pip and Josh planned to plant sunflowers over his grave in the spring, because they were golden and happy, just like him.
Cara and Lauren came over for a while, Cara laden with cookies she’d
baked for them all. Pip couldn’t really talk; every word almost stumbled into a cry or a scream of rage. Every word stirred that impossible feeling in her gut, that she was too sad to be angry but too angry to be sad. They didn’t stay for long.
It was evening now and there was a high ringing sound in her ears. The day had hardened her grief and Pip felt numb and dried out. He wasn’t coming back and she couldn’t tell anyone why. That secret, and the guilt in its wake, was the heaviest thing of all.
Someone knocked lightly at her bedroom door. Pip dropped her pen on to the blank page.
‘Yes,’ she said, her voice hoarse and small.
The door pushed open and Ravi stepped into the room.
‘Hi,’ he said, flicking his dark hair back from his face. ‘How are you doing?’
‘Not good,’ she said. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘You weren’t replying and I got worried. I saw the posters were gone this morning. Your dad just told me what happened.’ He closed the door and leaned back against it. ‘I’m so sorry, Pip. I know it doesn’t help when people say that; it’s just something you say. But I am sorry.’
‘There’s only one person who needs to be sorry,’ she said, looking down at the empty page.
He sighed. ‘It’s what we do when someone we love dies; blame ourselves. I did it too, Pip. And it took me a long time to work out that it
wasn’t my fault; sometimes bad things just happen. It was easier after that. I hope you get there quicker.’
She shrugged.
‘I also wanted to say to you –’ he cleared his throat – ‘don’t worry about the Sal thing for a bit. This deadline we made for taking the photo to the police, it doesn’t matter. I know how important it is to you to protect Naomi and Cara. You can have more time. You already overstretch yourself and I think you need a break, you know, after what’s happened. And there’s your Cambridge exam coming up.’ He scratched the back of his head and the long hair at the front trailed back into his eyes. ‘I know that my brother was innocent now, even if no one else does yet. I’ve waited over five years; I can wait a little longer. And in the meantime I’ll keep looking into our open leads.’
Pip’s heart knotted, voiding itself of everything. She had to hurt him. It was the only way. The only way to make him give up, to keep him safe.
Whoever murdered Andie and Sal, they’d shown her they were prepared to kill again. And she couldn’t let it be Ravi.
She couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t look at his kind-without-trying face, or at the perfect smile he shared with his brother, or his eyes so brown and deep you could fall right into them. So she didn’t look.
‘I’m not doing the project any more,’ she said. ‘I’m done.’
He straightened up. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean I’m done with the project. I’ve emailed my supervisor telling her I’m changing topic or dropping out. It’s over.’
‘But . . . I don’t understand,’ he said, the first wounds opening up in his voice. ‘This isn’t just a project, Pip. This is about my brother, about what really happened here. You can’t just stop. What about Sal?’
It was Sal she was thinking of. How, above all other things, he would’ve wanted his little brother not to die in the woods as he had.
‘I’m sorry, but I’m done.’
‘I don’t . . . wh . . . look at me,’ he said. She wouldn’t.
He came over to the desk and crouched in front of it, looking up at her in the chair.
‘What’s wrong?’ he said. ‘Something’s wrong here. You wouldn’t do this if –’
‘I’m just done, Ravi,’ she said. She looked down at him and knew immediately that she shouldn’t have. This was so much harder now. ‘I can’t do it. I don’t know who killed them. I can’t work it out. I’m finished.’
‘But we will,’ he said, desperation sculpting his face. ‘We will work it out.’ ‘I can’t. I’m just some kid, remember.’
‘An idiot said that to you,’ he said. ‘You’re not just some anything.
You’re Pippa fricking Fitz-Amobi.’ He smiled and it was the saddest thing she’d ever seen. ‘And I don’t think there’s anyone in this world quite like you. I mean, you laugh at my jokes, so there must be something wrong with you. We’re so close to this, Pip. We know Sal’s innocent; we know someone framed him for Andie and then killed him. You can’t stop. You swore to me.
You want this just as much as I do.’
‘I’ve changed my mind,’ she said flatly, ‘and you won’t change it back. I’m done with Andie Bell. I’m done with Sal.’
‘But he’s innocent.’
‘It’s not my job to prove that.’
‘You made it your job.’ He pushed against his knees and stood over her, his voice rising now. ‘You barged your way into my life, offering me this chance I never had before. You can’t take that away from me now; you know I need you. You can’t give up. This isn’t you.’
‘I’m sorry.’
A twelve-heartbeat silence fell between them, Pip’s eyes on the floor.
‘Fine,’ he said coldly. ‘I don’t know why you’re doing this but fine. I’ll go to the police with Sal’s alibi photo on my own. Send me the file.’
‘I can’t,’ Pip said. ‘My laptop got stolen.’
Ravi shot a look at the surface of her desk. He charged over to it, spreading her stack of papers and exam notes, eyes desperate and searching.
‘Where’s the printout of the photo?’ he said, turning to her, notes clutched in his hand.
And now for the lie that would break him. ‘I destroyed it. It’s gone,’ she said.
The look in his eyes set her on fire and she withered away.
‘Why would you do that? Why are you doing this?’ The papers dropped
from his hands, gliding like severed wings to the floor. They scattered around Pip’s feet.
‘Because I don’t want to be a part of this any more. I never should have started it.’
‘This isn’t fair!’ Tendons stuck out like vines up his neck. ‘My brother was innocent, and you just got rid of the one small bit of evidence we had. If you stand back now, Pip, you’re just as bad as everyone else in Kilton.
Everyone who painted the word scum on our house, who smashed our windows. Everyone who tormented me at school. Everyone who looks at me that way they look at me. No, you’ll be worse; at least they think he’s guilty.’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said quietly.
‘No, I’m sorry,’ he said, his voice breaking. He ran his sleeve over his face to catch the angry tears and reached for the door. ‘I’m sorry for thinking you were someone you’re clearly not. You are just a kid. A cruel one, like Andie Bell.’
He left the room, hands to his eyes as he turned to the stairs. Pip watched him walk away for the last time.
When she heard the front door open and close she clenched her hand into a fist and punched her desk. The pen pot juddered and fell, scattering pens across the surface.
She screamed herself empty into her cupped hands, holding on to the scream, trapping it with her fingers.
Ravi hated her, but he would be safe now.
