Ash’s lips coasted over mine, and his words echoed in my mind.
I never wanted.
Looping my arms around his shoulders, I held him tightly. The kiss deepened until we were drowning in each other.
I never wanted until you.
His heart pounded against mine as our lips reluctantly parted. We were both breathless and yearning—
The Primal essence suddenly throbbed intensely throughout me, causing me to suck in a short breath. Ash’s head jerked up at that exact moment.
A low rumble of thunder traveled through the air, seeming to emanate from every direction, both above and below us. Tiny bumps of dread raced across my skin, and my eyes locked on his.
“Kolis,” snarled Ash, shadows rapidly appearing in his cheeks as his flesh thinned. “They’ve found him.”
“And he’s conscious,” I whispered. Time…
We were out of time.
The rumble picked up, and the ground trembled, causing the trees to sway and sending several leaves falling.
I wasn’t ready. But I had to be.
I had to face the end because this was it. This wasn’t a close call. There
would be no tomorrows. No afters. This was it.
I stared into Ash’s whirling silver eyes as a hundred—no, a thousand— different things rose to the tip of my tongue. I still wanted to know and say so much. All of it would take a lifetime or more, but I had mere minutes. Not even hours now.
Minutes.
Panic sliced through my chest, sending adrenaline surging through my veins.
The tendrils of eather brightened in Ash’s gaze as he sucked in a sharp breath.
Oh, no. He was reading my emotions. I needed to get myself under control. I didn’t want him feeling my panic or distress. This would already be bad enough for him.
Breathe in. I reached up, sinking my hands into his hair. Hold. I let myself feel the texture slipping through my fingers for a heartbeat or two. Breathe out. I willed my racing heart to slow. “I always wanted before you.”
A tremor ran through Ash, and I knew it had nothing to do with the Primal rage building in Iliseeum and spreading into the mortal realm. “Liessa…”
“I wanted to be known,” I whispered, needing him to hear this. “I wanted to be accepted.”
Another shudder rocked Ash.
“I wanted to be included.” I slid my hands free of his hair, drawing them down the cool skin of his neck. “I wanted to be talked to and touched.”
“Sera,” he breathed.
The tips of my fingers grazed the hard line of his jaw. “Most of all, I wanted to be valued, to be needed and cherished and wanted for who I was and not who I was supposed to be or what I could do for someone. I wanted to be seen.” A surge of emotion clogged my throat as the ground trembled once more. “You gave me all of that, Ash. I’ve lived because of you.”
A sound came from deep within Ash as if it tore itself free from the depths of his soul. “I will give you so much more.”
Before I could process what he’d said, his mouth closed over mine.
Rocking back, he rose fluidly. He cradled me to his chest, the kiss deepening, parting my lips. His tongue stroked mine, and when he kissed like this, it overwhelmed me—his scent, taste, and the cool wetness of his mouth. Our
lips moved hungrily as I grasped the back of his head, soaking in all the sensations. I didn’t want to forget where I was going.
I wouldn’t.
Sharp wind stirred around us. The sudden shock of cold water rushing over my feet was a jolt to my senses. Ash had entered the lake, gracefully descending the earthen steps of shadowstone, the water rising and lapping over my legs and then my waist. He kept kissing me, his mouth urgent and demanding as if he sought to lose himself in it as badly as I wanted to.
His mouth only left mine when the water reached my lower back and occasionally rippled against my shoulders. “Sera,” he gasped.
Calmed as I always was by the lake, my heart rate slowed. I reached up, pressing my palm to his cheek. His eyes were full of whipping silver coils of eather. “I love you, Ash.”
His chest rose sharply, and each breath he took was fast and hard. “It’s time,” I whispered.
The eather slowed in his eyes. His chest stopped its rapid movements. He didn’t move, not even as the tremor beneath us came once more.
I cupped his jaw. “Please.”
One side of his lips curled up, revealing one sharp point as he snarled, “No.”
Then he struck.
He was so fast I had no time to feel the unease that had threatened to take over earlier when I’d felt the scrape of his fang.
The one word he’d spoken got lost in my cry as his fangs pierced the skin of my throat. Sharp agony reverberated through my body, but the pain didn’t last. What chased the sting away wasn’t exactly pleasure, it just didn’t hurt as his mouth latched on to my throat or maybe…maybe I couldn’t feel the pleasure.
Because I knew he found none.
Ash was trembling, but he wouldn’t drag this out. He wouldn’t do that to me.
His fingers moved against my hip, now under the water, in slow, soothing swipes that were in tune with the deep, drugging pulls at my vein. He drank
fast, taking my blood into him, and I knew this was likely killing a part of him—something that would take a long time to come back.
Sliding my hand under his hair, I moved my fingers along his neck. I hoped it brought some sort of comfort as I opened my eyes.
Stars glimmered high above us, blanketing the sky with a dazzling array of twinkling lights. There were so many. Hundreds. Thousands. And the
moon? It was so big, so bright.
Ash’s arm spasmed around me…or did I jerk? I wasn’t sure as I stared at the moon. The embers began thrumming throughout me, at first nothing more than a minor vibration, and then a frenzied dance.
It’s okay, I thought to myself, my hand sliding of its own accord to stop at his chest. My thoughts began wandering to what I hadn’t allowed myself to dwell on for too long.
Where was I going?
Ash wouldn’t be able to intervene. It would be up to the Arae, and I hoped they wouldn’t sentence me to the Abyss. But I had taken lives when my life hadn’t been in jeopardy. I’d killed bad people and those who happened to be enemies of my kingdom. Would I burn?
No, I reasoned. I would enter the Vale. Holland would ensure that. I had to believe it. But what would it be like? Even Ash couldn’t tell me. All I
knew was that it was different for everyone. I didn’t understand how
someone could see their loved ones if the paradise was individualized, but maybe we weren’t supposed to understand it.
I wondered who I’d see. Who I’d meet. My father? That would be nice.
Would I see my old nursemaid? I’d like that, too.
Would I remember?
Ash? My family? Everything? Would I be at peace? I wasn’t sure how I could be if I remembered or if I forgot. Was that how spirits became…?
I sighed, losing track of my thoughts. Dying didn’t hurt.
Ash made sure of that with the cool weightlessness of my lake and the now-slower, gentle tug of his mouth against my throat.
He drew my blood into him, and my warmth… I could feel it in his body. It started in his chest and then spread down his stomach. His arms, wrapped so tightly around me, were no longer cold. My blood was doing that, giving him life. And, gods, I was so grateful to feel that again and have the chance to remember the way his body felt when it was like this. And I would remember.
I would.
I would.
I concentrated on the feeling of Ash’s pounding heart beneath my palm. It grounded me. For a while.
But the edges of my vision started to darken—or they had been for a bit. It was another thing I wasn’t entirely sure of, but I felt my heart slowing, and the rushing water was no longer so loud. It sounded muted, far away. I couldn’t feel the quakes shaking the realm anymore.
But I did feel the realm slipping away as I fell into darkness.
My hand slipped again. I tried to keep it where I could feel his heart, but I was tired. Weak. My hand twitched and started to fall.
Ash caught my wrist. He didn’t stop feeding, but he took my hand in his, pressing my palm flat to his chest above his heart.
He knew.
Somehow, he knew.
I felt my lips curve upward. I felt him shake, but I knew I was smiling, even though I was dying. It was happening. After all this time, there was no escaping it, and despite being in Death’s arms, I smiled. I didn’t want to die. I wasn’t ready. It hadn’t magically become fair. I wanted to live. I wanted life more than I ever had, but I…
I felt the warmth of Ash’s skin and his mouth. I felt the strength of his heart beating beneath my palm and knew my blood now coursed through him. Ash would do more than live. He would Ascend, and he would rule as he always should have.
And I…I felt peace.
Not acceptance. Not submission. Just peace. A spasm went through my body, my heart stuttered, and the embers flared brightly in my chest—
Ash jerked his head back, his breathing still fast, hard. His features were blurred, but I saw how bright the eather was in his eyes as he stared down at me. And the embers…
They pulsed fiercely in my chest. He hadn’t…
“The embers,” I whispered, my tongue feeling thick and heavy. “Fuck the embers.”
Confusion clouded my mind as he placed my hand on my lap, not letting it fall into the water. “Ash.” I tried to move but couldn’t seem to get my body to do as I needed it to. “What…what are you doing?”
“Sera, I need you to take my blood. I need you to feed from me.”
“What…?” My sluggish heart lurched as what he was doing—or not
doing—broke through the fog of my peace. “No, Ash. No—”
“No!” he shouted…or whispered. I thought of how he’d said that before he’d bitten me.
I thought about how he’d refused to listen when I told him I wanted him to really live, the after he’d spoken of, and how he’d said he would give me more. When he spoke to me in the cavern. I thought of all he hadn’t said.
He’d never said he planned to take the embers—not to me. Not to Keella or Attes.
I went over everything he had said since we were reunited, and even before Kolis held me.
I will not let you die.
Ash had never planned to take the embers.
“I’m not letting you go,” he said. “I’m going to Ascend you.” I felt another tripping motion in my chest. “You…you can’t.”
The laugh that came from him was dark and endless. “Yes, I fucking can.” “It won’t…work,” I reasoned.
Eather whirled in his eyes. “I’m a fucking Primal of Death. My blood is that of the Ancients, so we don’t know that for sure. No one does. I don’t care what Delfai or the Arae claimed. Fuck them. I’m going to try.”
As his words sank in, I felt a spark of hope, but it was fleeting. When Kolis spoke of doing the same, I’d known it wouldn’t work. And even if it did… “What…will I become?”
“I don’t know. A demis? One of those Ascended Kolis creates?” But that…that wasn’t how the Ascended worked. They were third sons and
daughters. Ash knew that. Another tremor shook him. “Or the Primal of Life.”
But that wouldn’t happen. It couldn’t.
“I don’t care what you become.” He lowered his wrist. “I don’t care, as long as you’re alive. As long as you don’t leave me. I don’t care. I want you however you come back to me.”
Gods, I believed him. But it wouldn’t work.
Focusing on the embers, I latched on to them for strength. Faint energy
buzzed through my veins, allowing me to lift my hand back to his chest, over his heart. “I love you.”
His eyes slammed shut. “Sera, be quiet and don’t fight me for once.” “I love you so much, but you h-have to do this.”
“Shut up, Sera.” He turned his head to his wrist as a line of darkness raced down his cheek.
“Take the embers. You have to. Please.”
“Shut the fuck up, Sera!” he shouted, sending what birds remained in the elms into a frightened flight. “For the last time, I don’t care about the embers or the realms. They can burn.”
I shuddered, curling my fingers against his skin. “You don’t…mean that.”
His eyes opened and locked with mine. They were pools of still, endless silver. “I do.”
“What if I still die?” I held on to my waning strength, my chest feeling as if it squeezed tighter with every word. “The embers will die, and you won’t
have me—”
“I know. It may not work. If it doesn’t, I will lose you and the embers. I’m willing to risk it and take that chance,” he said. Over his shoulder, I saw the water freeze on the rocks. “The lives of millions of mortals nor those of the
gods do not surpass yours. The realms can rot into the Abyss and all life can cease.” Another streak slid down his other cheek, damp and the color of midnight crimson. “I don’t care, as long as you are beside me.”
Oh, gods.
Blood tears coursed down his face.
Ash cried. “I will take the souls of those lost upon my flesh. I will gladly usher in the end, and I will do it with you beside me,” he swore. “And if not? If I fail and lose you?” His voice cracked from the agony of his sorrow and remorse. My heart shattered. “The realms won’t survive, Sera.”
“Ash,” I pleaded, hating his pain. Loathing all the regret I heard in his voice.
“If I lose you, they’re already gone, as good as dead and rotted away.” His forehead pressed against mine. “Don’t you know that already? You do. Kolis was always right about me. He knew I would do far worse than what he could ever conceive. And I will. I will ruin the realms if I lose you. If you die, there is no hope for them—any of them…innocent or evil, god or mortal. I will destroy them all.”
Ash shuddered, then kissed me hard and quick, leaving my lips numb. “So don’t die.”
I stared at him as he drew his head back and lifted his wrist once more.
A…a weak laugh left me. “Don’t die?”
“Yes. Exactly that. Don’t fucking die,” he repeated as if that were the simple fix. His eyes held mine. “Fuck the greater good, Sera.”
“Fuck the greater good,” I mumbled instead of screaming as I’d done before. The embers hummed throughout me. “Because we aren’t…”
“We aren’t good, liessa.” “But you are.”
“Not without you,” he said. “Not without you.”
I saw his lips part. He tore into his wrist, ripping the skin open. Then I saw the shimmer of his blood coursing down his arm.
Shadows crept into my vision again, the stolen strength fading. As he brought his wrist down, I knew it would likely be the end of me—the end of the realms and the end of him. He would regret this. At some point, before it all ceased to exist, he would.
But his blood hit my lip, warm and tingling, igniting either the embers or instinct. My mouth opened. Sweet and smoky blood reached my tongue.
There was no riot of sensations, no shock to the senses. I was too gone for that, but my body reacted on instinct. Or the embers did.
I swallowed.
His blood coursed down my throat, hot and thick as Ash pressed the gaping wound to my mouth. I drank.
I drank until my throat no longer worked. I swallowed until I could no longer feel his blood running down my throat. I…I felt nothing. Not warmth. Not coldness.
The strangest thing happened then. An unending tide of memories came at me in waves.
Me as a pale-haired child, staring at the painting of my father and finally understanding where my freckles had come from. My mother’s cold stare that used to cut so deeply and then only left me feeling nothing. But then I fell into a memory of when I was…nine or ten? It had been at night, after I’d spent the day training with Holland and eating my supper alone. I’d gone into the garden to sit near the silvery-green bushes with their purplish-blue spikes of flowers. I’d liked the way they smelled because…
They smelled of Momma.
A soft footstep against the gravel had me twisting around on the bench.
Momma walked alone under the glow of the hanging lanterns, her pale hair swept up in a twist Odetta could never force mine into.
I went completely still and as silent as a spirit, just as Sir Holland had taught me. Momma didn’t see me. She was too busy looking up at the sky, and I didn’t think I was supposed to draw her attention when we were outside of
our lessons. She never seemed happy when I did.
Momma never seemed happy.
Not even after marrying King Ernald.
King Ernald seemed happy. He snuck me chocolates when he passed me in the halls.
Squeezing my legs together, I clamped my mouth shut so I didn’t breathe too loudly. I didn’t want to upset her. I wanted her to be proud of me. My chin lifted. I would make her proud, but I…I wanted her to see me. To talk with me like she did with Ezmeria and Tavius. She didn’t speak of duty to them. She talked about silly things like—
“I know you’re there, Seraphena.”
My lips came unstuck, making a popping sound as my gaze flew to her. “I’m sorry.”
“You are?” She stood a few feet back, her hands clenched over her pale blue gown, and her body as stiff as mine. “What are you sorry for?”
“I…” I wasn’t sure, exactly. I’d said it because I felt as if I should. I said things like that a lot.
“It’s of no consequence.” Her gaze shifted from mine to the flowers. The lanternlight shone off her…damp cheek. “I didn’t know you came here.”
Was she crying? I watched her come forward, her gown whispering silently over the pebbles and grass. “I like the way it smells.”
A strange laugh left her. It sounded a little mean and sad. “You would, wouldn’t you?”
I didn’t know what she meant by that, and I’d learned that if I didn’t know something, it was best if I said nothing.
“Do you know what they are called?” she asked after a few moments. “Um.” I glanced back at the flowers. “Lavender?”
“Close, but no.” She walked past me, and I expected her to keep walking,
but she sat beside me. “They are called nepeta blue.”
“Oh,” I whispered, fingers pressing into the thin linen of my nightgown. She stared ahead. “Why are you out here so late?”
“Couldn’t—” I caught myself. Momma liked it when I spoke properly. “I
couldn’t sleep.”
There was no response.
“Why…why are you out here?” I tentatively asked.
“I had an ache in the temples,” she answered. “Thought the fresh air and silence would do me some good.”
“Oh,” I repeated, dragging my lip between my teeth. Then I remembered her once telling me that was unbecoming, so I stopped. “I should leave, then.” I started to rise.
“No, it’s okay.” Momma stopped me. “You’re…you’re always quiet.”
Surprise rushed through me. I didn’t know what to do or say. Momma
never sat with me outside of our lessons. So, I did what she did. I looked at the pretty flowers.
I kept still and silent, every part of me aware of how close we were. I could almost feel the warmth of her body as the seconds ticked by, turning into minutes. I glanced at her. Her cheeks glimmered. Concern rose.
“Is your head making you sad?” I asked quietly.
“What?” She glanced down at me, her brows furrowing. “Oh,” she
murmured, lifting a hand to wipe her cheek as if she didn’t realize she’d been crying. “No, it’s not my head.”
“Then what has made you sad?” I tipped closer to her, my hands balling.
“More like who,” she remarked, her attention focused on me. On my face. “I swear by the gods, every time I see you…”
I held my breath. How much of me could she see? Did I wash before coming out here? Sometimes I forgot, and there was always something smudged on my face.
“You have more freckles.” The corners of her lips tugged up. She smiled. Momma smiled at me.
“Just like…” Clearing her throat, her smile faded. She turned back to the flowers. “Your father liked these.”
I didn’t know what to be more excited about. Her smile? Or that she was speaking of him.
“He also enjoyed their scent,” she continued. “Thought they had a
lighter, fresher smell compared to lavender.” She shook her head. “I could never tell the difference, but he could. He thought lavender smelled like…”
I turned back to the flowers, my fingers relaxing. “Vanilla.”
“Yes,” she said, then sighed. “He said the same. Excuse me.” She rose and left the little garden nook without saying another word.
Left…me.
I slipped from the memory with a strange sense of clarity that had never been there before. Her stares and words were never just cold; they were also full of cruel agony and heartbreak for what she’d lost and the child she could never allow herself to grow close to. Care for. Love. Because if she did, how could she honor the deal my father’s ancestor made?
I fell into another memory, seeing Odetta’s silver hair and her lined face softening briefly in sympathy as she shared her suppers with me. I saw myself sitting beside her at the small table in her chambers while we ate. It was before the garden. I was younger, and I…I hadn’t remembered it correctly.
“Do you think Momma is proud she has a Maiden as a daughter?” I asked, toying with the fork.
“Silly child.” Odetta’s laugh was more of a wheeze. “Always asking silly questions.”
I didn’t think it was a silly question. I dropped the fork onto the table, pleased by the clang it made. “Never mind.”
Odetta reached over, curling her gnarled and bony fingers around my chin. She turned my head to hers. “Child, the Fates know you were touched by life and death, creating someone that should not be. How could she be anything but afraid?”
The memory shattered. She hadn’t said, “creating something that should not be.” She’d said, “creating someone.” Had she been talking about me? Or someone I would create? But I would create no one.
Holland’s soft voice rose then, overshadowing mine. “I do not fear death,” he said as he circled me. I was older, closer to seventeen. “I fear life.”
Frowning, I drew back my sword. “What?”
“Death can be a long-earned reward upon old age, but life?” Sir Holland spun, catching my arm and twisting, tossing me to the floor. “Life is vicious.
When stolen, it can become the ruin of realms, a wrath that even Death will hide from.”
Ezra replaced Holland. The air was sticky with humidity as we walked the gardens, but she wore a cream, pinstriped waistcoat buttoned to the base of her throat.
“Did you believe it?” she asked.
I looked over at her. “Believe what?”
Her attention was fixed on the book she held. “You haven’t been listening.”
I hadn’t, so there was no point in lying.
“I was telling you what Phebe wrote about what Etris saw before she died
—it doesn’t matter.” A breeze toyed with a lock of dark hair, sending it across her face as I wondered who in the fuck Phebe and Etris were. She looked over at me. “You matter to me.”
I stumbled, nearly tripping. “What?” I laughed.
Her stare was serious. “I just wanted you to know that. You matter to me.”
The smile slipped from my face. Did she know about the sleeping aid…? My chest turned to ice. How could she? Feeling my face warm, I shook my head. “Did this Phebe write in this book to tell you that?”
“Oh, yes. Most definitely.” She grinned, the hem of her gown snapping at her ankles as she began walking.
I remained where I was, palms damp. My chest clamped down— My chest.
I saw tiny Jadis nestled against my chest, she and Reaver sleeping
soundly. The image of them dispersed like smoke, replaced by flashes of Aios and Bele. Ector’s smile. Saion’s deep laugh…
Ash and I in the sweet-pea-smothered passageway of the Garden District before I knew it was him.
“I did not ask for your help,” I’d spat.
“But you have it nonetheless.”
My heart stuttered, and then I found us here, at this very lake, my head resting in his lap, his fingers a light touch on my arm. I thought maybe I’d fallen in love with him even then. I just hadn’t known. If I had…
The memory faded into a more recent one. I saw Ash and me at the coronation, looking at the golden swirls on our hands.
Ash had leaned back, one of those rare, genuine smiles on his face as he surveyed the crowd. “The Fates are capable of anything.”
“Liessa? Sera?”
The voice jarred me from the whirling memories. “Don’t leave me.
Please.”
It was Ash, but he sounded different. Raw. Terrified. I’d never heard him so scared. “Please,” he pleaded. “Fucking Fates, I can’t lose you. I can’t…I love you. I do. Fates, I do. I fucking love you. How can I not? How can this not be love?” He screamed to the elms, or at least I thought he did. I wasn’t sure if it was him or if it only came from my mind. “I love you, even if I cannot. I’m in love with you.”
Then I wasn’t there.
I wasn’t anywhere but in death…
I love you.
Death wasn’t silent. Or peaceful.
It sounded full of feral rage.
I love you, even if I cannot.
Death was a roar of fury and agony, the sound of a soul shattering. Of a heart breaking.
I’m in love with you.
