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Chapter no 81

If He Had Been with Me

Finny sits on the living room couch while he reads off my computer screen. I read a book for a while, and the only sound in the room is the click of the keyboard as he scrolls down to the next page. Every time I hear it, I look at his face, but his face says nothing, nothing at all.

Around eleven, I turn on the TV and watch an old movie. Finny doesnโ€™t comment. Just before the movie is over, he gets up. I hear him drink a glass of water in the kitchen. He walks back to the couch without looking at me. The movie ends and another starts, and Finny is still reading.

But heโ€™s frowning now.

I stay awake for another hour, but my eyelids are heavy and my head is aching again. I turn off the TV, and Finny does not move. I stand and stretch, and he does nothing. I walk past him, out of the room, and up the stairs.

In Finnyโ€™s room, I crawl under his covers and lay my head on his pillow. I close my eyes and breathe deeply. I thought I would feel jittery and want to bite my nails, but all I want to do is sleep; the act of giving it to him has exhausted me.

I sleep deeply, and I dream.

***

When I wake, it is either so quickly or so slowly that I cannot remember waking; I am just suddenly alert.

Finny is standing by the bed, his silhouette dark in the weak light. His hands are limp at his sides. I cannot see his face, but I do not doubt that he is looking at me. He says my name, and somehow I know that he is saying it for a second time.

โ€œWhat?โ€ I say. I sit up. My hair falls forward and I push it off my face and rub my eyes.

โ€œWhy did you have to leave me like that?โ€ he says. โ€œI was tired,โ€ I say. โ€œYou were reading.โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ he says. There is a slight tremble in his voice. โ€œAfter we turned thirteen. Why did you have to leaveย like that?โ€ The question hangs in the air between us, the way it always has.

โ€œI didnโ€™t leave,โ€ I finally say. My words lack conviction; even I can hear it. โ€œWe just grew apart.โ€ Finny shakes his head.

โ€œWe did not just grow apart, Autumn,โ€ he says. โ€œI didnโ€™t mean to,โ€ I say. โ€œIโ€™m sorry.โ€

โ€œI already know why you did it,โ€ he says. โ€œI just want to know why you had to be so cruel about it.โ€ My breath comes quicker.

โ€œOkay, I was stupid and selfish that fall,โ€ I say. โ€œAnd Iโ€™m sorry. But everything would have gone back to normal if you hadnโ€™t kissed me out of nowhere without even asking. Do you have any idea how much you scared me that night?โ€

โ€œI scared you?โ€

โ€œI wasnโ€™t ready,โ€ I say. I wipe at my eyes with one hand. โ€œAnd I didnโ€™t know what to think.โ€ Finny sits down on the bed, but he doesnโ€™t face me. I wrap my arms around my waist tightly and wait, but he doesnโ€™t say anything. I push the covers off my lap and crawl toward him. I lean forward and try to find his eyes.

โ€œIโ€™m sorry,โ€ I say. โ€œI hate myself for hurting you.โ€ โ€œIโ€™m sorry too.โ€

โ€œFor what?โ€

โ€œIโ€™m sorry for kissing you.โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t say that,โ€ I say. โ€œDonโ€™t say youโ€™re sorry for that.โ€

Finny surprises me then; he laughs out loud and shakes his head. โ€œI never know what to do to make you happy, do I?โ€

โ€œYou make me happier than any other person ever has,โ€ I say, but he still wonโ€™t look at me.

โ€œDo I?โ€ he says. I nod.

โ€œEvery day,โ€ I whisper. My heart beats fast and my fingers close into trembling fists. We are both quiet for a few moments. I hear a lone bird singing outside; it must be close to dawn. I wish I could see him better. He still isnโ€™t looking at me.

โ€œWhat if I kissed you right now?โ€ he says. I canโ€™t answer him at first; everything inside me has gone still. I tell myself to take a breath.

โ€œThat would make me happy,โ€ I say.

It doesnโ€™t happen smoothly. First, Finny shifts his position so that he is facing me, and then I sit up straighter. We pause there, and I have to tell myself to raise my face for him. He reaches over slowly like he thinks any second Iโ€™ll tell him to stop, and he lays his hand on the back of my head. I feel my whole body relax with his touch, and maybe he feels it too because it happens very quickly after that. Finny pulls me toward him and our noses bump. I turn my face to the side, and he presses his mouth against mine.

Itโ€™s warm, kissing Finny, and sort of like my whole body is being stroked with a feather. He puts his hand on my hip and I want to do something with my hands too. I lay one on his shoulder, and the other on his knee. Finnyโ€™s fingers tighten in my hair.

โ€œOw,โ€ I say, and I flinch away from his hand even though I donโ€™t want to, even though I want to pretend it doesnโ€™t hurt.

โ€œSorry,โ€ he says. Our noses are still touching but he isnโ€™t kissing me. He starts to take his hands away.

โ€œNo, donโ€™t stop,โ€ I say. I pull on his shoulder. โ€œLie down with me.โ€ I lean back onto his pillows.

โ€œOh God,โ€ Finny says, and he crawls over me.

We kiss quickly at first, as if weโ€™re trying to make up for lost time, and then long and slow, as if weโ€™re daring each other to see who can last longer.

My hands are on his back, trying to hold him closer; his are on either side of my face, holding me still.

I donโ€™t know how long we kiss like that; the only thing I am aware of besides him are the sounds I hear myself making from time to time; little sighs and moans like I have never made kissing anyone else.

Itโ€™s never felt like this before. It feels so natural.

It feels so right.

Finny.

I finally understand whatโ€™s been missing for me all these years.

After a while, he draws his hand slowly, really slowly, down my shoulder and across the side of my ribs. He holds my breast, gently.

My Finny.

My eyes are wet again, and I feel one tear trail down the corner of my eye, and then another and another, and I realize that there may never be another moment more perfect than this for the rest of my life.

โ€œFinny?โ€ I say.

He stops kissing me slowly and then raises his head more quickly to look down at me. โ€œYeah?โ€ he breathes.

โ€œI wantโ€ฆโ€ I say, and then realize that I donโ€™t know how to say it and the words trail off.

โ€œDo you want me to stop?โ€ he says.

โ€œNo!โ€ I say. The thought fills me with panic and I speak quickly. โ€œI want the opposite of that.โ€ There is a moment of silence. I hold my breath.

โ€œYou want me to keep going?โ€ he says. โ€œYes,โ€ I say.

Finny blinks at me and stumbles over his next words. โ€œIโ€”I donโ€™t have

โ€”โ€ he says.

โ€œI donโ€™t care,โ€ I say. And I donโ€™t. All I care about is not losing this moment with him.

โ€œAutumn,โ€ he says. โ€œNoโ€”โ€

โ€œPlease, Finny,โ€ I say. I lean up and kiss his neck, right under his ear. He gasps sharply and his body shudders. โ€œPlease, Finny,โ€ I whisper between kisses. โ€œPlease. Please. Please.โ€

Our mouths finally find each other again. After a moment, he pushes his hand under my T-shirt and up to my bra. I reach down and try to pull my shirt over my head without moving my lips from his until I have to. If we stop kissing, we will have to talk about what weโ€™re doing. He helps me and kisses me as I arch my back to unhook my bra.

I reach down and try to undo the button on his jeans, but I canโ€™t. He stops kissing me and pushes my hands away. I think Iโ€™m going to die until I realize he is undoing it himself.

There just isnโ€™t a way for two people on a bed to take off their jeans without being awkward and embarrassing. But it can still be perfect and wonderful too.

Finny sits up and pulls his shirt over his head. I can see all of him now, and for the first time, I am frightened. He looks down at me.

โ€œOh, Autumn,โ€ he says. I reach down and try to shimmy out of my underwear without looking silly, but I probably donโ€™t succeed. When theyโ€™re past my hips, he pulls them down and off my ankles and tosses them on the floor. Heโ€™s looking at me again. I feel like Iโ€™ve been tossed up in the air, and if I donโ€™t grab on to him in time, I will fall back down again. I hold out my arms to him.

โ€œCan I tell you that I love you first?โ€ Finny says. I begin to fall slowly, slowly down.

โ€œYes,โ€ I say. Finny leans over me again. One of his hands parts my thighs, and the other rests by my head.

โ€œI love you,โ€ Finny says in my ear. I feel him touching me there, with his hand and his other. โ€œOh God, I love you.โ€ He pushes into me just a little; itโ€™s a warning. I bury my face into his shoulder. โ€œOh God,โ€ he says. โ€œAutumn.โ€

I bite my lip and donโ€™t cry out. He moves slowly at first, and I know that itโ€™s for me; I can feel him holding back. It hurts, but not like I thought it

would. It isnโ€™t a general blank pain; itโ€™s contained and exact, just like being ripped apart. I can almost hear it.

โ€œItโ€™s okay, Finny,โ€ I say. โ€œIโ€™m okay.โ€ He groans then for the first time and moves faster. I close my eyes and rest my cheek against his. I think about lying in this room with him, drawing on each otherโ€™s backs. I think about sitting next to him on the couch and watching TV. He moans and my arms tighten around him. I think of his hands over mine on the steering wheel. I think of us shining our flashlights in each otherโ€™s windows at night. It isnโ€™t long before I feel him suddenly stiffen. He cries out once and shudders. Tears sting my eyes again. Finny lets out a long breath and begins

to shift away. I whimper only when I feel him moving out of me. โ€œAutumn?โ€ he says. He looks down at my face.

โ€œI love you too,โ€ I say. โ€œI forgot to tell you.โ€ The tears spill over now, and Finny begins to kiss my eyelids and my forehead again and again.

โ€œItโ€™s okay. Donโ€™t cry,โ€ he says. His words rush together and blend with his kisses. He kisses my cheeks and my tears. โ€œDonโ€™t cry,โ€ he says. โ€œItโ€™s okay.โ€

โ€œWill you hold me?โ€ I ask. He rolls off me and holds out his arms. I wipe my eyes and lay my head on his shoulder. His arms fold around me and he presses me close.

โ€œLike this?โ€ he says.

โ€œYeah,โ€ I say. Weโ€™re quiet as our breathing slows to normal. I watch the light get brighter in the room. There are more birds singing now, a whole chorus.

โ€œI canโ€™t believe that just happened,โ€ Finny says. I almost laugh but somehow donโ€™t. A strange feeling is beginning to fill me now.

โ€œDid you mean it when you said you loved me?โ€ I ask. โ€œOf course I did,โ€ he says.

โ€œYou werenโ€™t just saying that because itโ€™s what the guyโ€™s supposed to say?โ€ He doesnโ€™t answer me after that, and my stomach drops. Finny lets go of me and sits up on one elbow. My breathing halts.

โ€œCome on, Autumn,โ€ he says. He makes a sound that isnโ€™t quite a laugh. โ€œI know that you know Iโ€™ve been in love with you for forever. You donโ€™t have to pretend.โ€

โ€œWhat?โ€ I say. He rolls his eyes.

โ€œItโ€™s okay,โ€ Finny says. โ€œIโ€™ve always known that you knew.โ€ I sit up on my elbows too, pulling the sheet up to cover me, and look back at him. We frown at each other. I try to make myself understand what heโ€™s saying.

โ€œWhat do you mean by โ€˜foreverโ€™?โ€ I say.

โ€œYou know. Forever. Since we were, like, what? Eleven?โ€ he asks. โ€œFifth grade? The year you punched Donnie Banks?โ€

โ€œYeah, you remember what Donnie Banks said.โ€ โ€œHe called me a freak.โ€

โ€œHe said, โ€˜Your girlfriend is a freak,โ€™โ€ Finny says. โ€œAnd he knew that you didnโ€™t want to be my girlfriend. And that I did.โ€

โ€œYou liked me like that back then?โ€ I say.

Finny looks like he finally understands what Iโ€™m saying. He sits up all the way.

โ€œBut isnโ€™t that why you stopped hanging out with me in middle school?โ€ he says. โ€œBecause you got tired of me wanting to be more than just friends?โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ I say. โ€œI had no idea you wanted anything like that.โ€ โ€œBut after I kissed you, you knew,โ€ he says.

โ€œNo. I didnโ€™t know why youโ€™d kissed me and it freaked me out. I thought maybe you were experimenting on me.โ€ Finny looks at me again. His mouth is slightly open, his eyes hinting at a frown.

โ€œBut this doesnโ€™t make any sense,โ€ he says. โ€œIf you didnโ€™t know, then why did you leave me?โ€

Now itโ€™s my turn to look away from him.

โ€œIt just felt so nice not to be the weird girl anymore. I liked being popular. We didย kindaย grow apart that year. Iโ€™m not saying itโ€™s not my fault. Iโ€™m just saying I didnโ€™t mean for it to happen.โ€

โ€œYou really didnโ€™t know?โ€ Finny asks.

โ€œNo,โ€ I say. โ€œI really, really didnโ€™t.โ€

Finny flops back down on the bed. He stares at the ceiling.

โ€œAnd all these years I was terrified that you could tell I stillโ€ฆyou know.โ€

โ€œStill what?โ€ I ask. โ€œStill wanted you.โ€

โ€œReally?โ€ I say. He doesnโ€™t answer me. He just stares at the ceiling with an expression that looks as confused as I feel. โ€œWhat about Sylvie?โ€ My voice has a hint of accusation in it, but I canโ€™t help it. Finny surprises me by laughing bitterly.

โ€œThe only reason I started hanging out with the cheerleaders after soccer practice was because I thought they were still your friends. I thought that maybe Iโ€™d have a chance with you then, that maybe Iโ€™d be cool enough for you to see me like that. Then when the first day of high school came, you didnโ€™t even say hi to me at the bus stop. And I found out that not only were you not their friend anymore, but you hated them. And then you started going out with Jamie, and Alexis was asking me why I was leading Sylvie on and I didnโ€™t even know what she was talking aboutโ€”โ€ His voice trails off and he is quiet again. Iโ€™m too shocked to say anything this time. Heโ€™s still staring at the ceiling. Iโ€™m starting to feel cold without his arms around my shoulders. โ€œDonโ€™t think that I never cared about Sylvie, because I did,โ€ Finny finally says. โ€œSheโ€™s not really like what you think. And she needed me to take care of her when you didnโ€™t anymore. I loved her, but I loved her differently from the way Iโ€™ve always loved you.โ€

โ€œOh, Finny,โ€ I say. My voice is quiet, and I canโ€™t find the words to say anything else. After a moment, he turns his face toward me but he does not meet my eyes.

โ€œYou saidโ€”you said that you loved me too.โ€ Heโ€™s blushing, and I feel like I might faint.

โ€œYeah,โ€ I say. โ€œI do.โ€ My voice is barely above a whisper and I cannot hide its tremble.

โ€œSince when?โ€ His voice matches my own.

โ€œI dunno,โ€ I say. โ€œMaybe since forever too, but I didnโ€™t admit it until two years ago.โ€ He raises his eyes to mine and I collapse back down on the bed. He wraps his arms around me again and I curl into him. Finny hugs me so tightly that it almost hurts, and then I feel his whole body relax. I close my eyes and sigh. Itโ€™s so strange; itโ€™s such a revelation, this feeling of skin to skin all the way down my body. I reach one hand out and try to find his heart. He lays his other hand on top on mine and strokes my knuckles with his thumb.

โ€œSo,โ€ Finny says, but doesnโ€™t continue. โ€œWhat?โ€ I say.

โ€œItโ€™s you and me now, right?โ€

โ€œPhineas Smith, are you asking me to be your girlfriend?โ€ I canโ€™t help giggling.

โ€œWell, yeah.โ€ He shifts underneath me. โ€œIs that weird?โ€

โ€œOnly because it feels like weโ€™re already so much more than that.โ€ He relaxes again. โ€œYeah, I know. But itโ€™ll have to do for now.โ€

โ€œYou still have to break up with Sylvie,โ€ I say quietly. โ€œI know,โ€ he says. โ€œIโ€™m going to. Tomorrow.โ€

โ€œYou mean today,โ€ I say. He looks over at his window.

โ€œOh. Right.โ€ He squeezes me again. โ€œWe should get some sleep, I guess.โ€

โ€œYeah. I guess.โ€ I close my eyes, and we are quiet. The room is still and silent, and outside, the sun has risen on a hot August day.

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