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Chapter no 44

If He Had Been with Me

In front of me sits a glass of rum and Coke. It has three ice cubes in it. Brooke is pouring Coke into Noahโ€™s glass. Jamie is sitting next to me at my motherโ€™s kitchen table. He already took a sip from his, until we protested and said we all had to take the first drink at the same time.

My mother is still in the hospital, and my father is on a business trip. This is the first time Iโ€™ve ever been left alone for days. Every evening, I have to check in with Aunt Angelina. She wants to know how Iโ€™m feeling and if Iโ€™ll come have dinner with them. Iโ€™m fine, and I always have plans, like tonight.

Jamie and the others parked around the corner so that Aunt Angelina wouldnโ€™t see all the cars in the driveway. Brookeโ€™s older sister bought us the alcohol. None of us have had any since that New Yearโ€™s night. We decided it was time we gave it a try again.

โ€œOkay,โ€ Brooke says. We all raise our glasses. The ice in our glasses clinks all at once like a melody that has lost its way.

โ€œTo us,โ€ I say, remembering Jamieโ€™s Christmas toast. And I mean it. I look at each of their faces. We lower our glasses again. At first it tastes the same, as if there is only Coke in my glass, but when I swallow, my throat burns and my stomach is warm. Angie makes a face. Alex coughs. Jamie takes another drink.

โ€œThis is okay,โ€ Noah says. I take another sip.

***

Alex is trying to put up Sashaโ€™s hair. He has a brush and a handful of my bobby pins and a rubber band.

โ€œYouโ€™re going to look fabulous, darling, simply fabulous,โ€ he says to her. Weโ€™re sitting on the living room floor, watching them and the television and laughing. My head feels heavy and light at the same time. Iโ€™m happy. I love my friends.

โ€œOuch,โ€ Sasha says.

โ€œNo pain, no gain, darling,โ€ Alex says. We laugh again. I hold up my glass and Brooke leans over to fill it. Some of the rum splashes onto my arm, and Jamie leans over and licks it off.

โ€œGross,โ€ I say. I rub his saliva off my arm and glare at him. He grins at me. Brooke fills up the rest of my glass with Coke and I bring it to my lips. The ice in our glasses melted a while ago, but no one cares. On the television, a car flips over and catches on fire.

โ€œOh no,โ€ I say.

โ€œWhat?โ€ Jamie says. โ€œHe died,โ€ I say.

โ€œNo, thatโ€™s the Russian spyโ€™s car.โ€ โ€œOh.โ€

Jamie leans over and licks my arm again.

โ€œDonโ€™t,โ€ I say. I push him away. Everybody else laughs. I try to stand up and have to steady myself on the arm of the couch. They laugh again. โ€œIโ€™m going to wash my arm,โ€ I say.

โ€œWhat?โ€ Jamie says.

โ€œYou licked my arm twice. I have to wash it.โ€ โ€œNo, you donโ€™t.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m going to go wash my arm now,โ€ I say. I let go of the couch and step my way across the floor. My feet arenโ€™t quite going the way I tell them to; they step to the side and fling me forward before Iโ€™m ready.

โ€œBring me some more hair thingies, darling,โ€ Alex says.

โ€œYouโ€™re not done yet?โ€ Sasha asks. I grab at the doorframe as I go into the hall, and I donโ€™t hear what Alex says in reply. Ever since my second

drink, I have had a warm and happy, free feeling, like Iโ€™m in a nice hot bath and invincible. Iโ€™ve had four drinks now, and something is bubbling up in me like a laugh caught in my chest, tickling me nicely as it struggles to break out.

I go to the upstairs bathroom, my favorite because of the clawfoot tub. The year I was ten, I could lay on my back with my feet at one end and my head grazing the other perfectly. I have to bend my knees now. I step inside and wiggle around until Iโ€™m comfortable. Then I have to wiggle again to get my cell phone out of my pocket.

I shift around, trying to find the comfortable spot again as the phone rings. When he answers, I stop moving.

โ€œAutumn?โ€

โ€œFinny, hi,โ€ I whisper. โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong?โ€

โ€œNothing,โ€ I say. โ€œIโ€™m drunk.โ€

โ€œOh,โ€ he says. And then, โ€œOh.โ€

I feel a swell of pride in my chest; I surprised Finny. And Iโ€™ve been drunk now, just like him. I laugh, then remember that Iโ€™m trying to be quiet. โ€œNow I know why you do this,โ€ I whisper. I cover my mouth with one hand to stifle my giggle.

โ€œWhere are you?โ€ he says. โ€œIn the bathtub,โ€ I say.

โ€œWhose?โ€

โ€œMine. With the feet. Iโ€™m hiding from my friends.โ€ โ€œWhy?โ€

โ€œSo I can call you, silly.โ€ He laughs, one short bark that turns to a sigh. I frown and shift again. The porcelain sides are digging into my elbows. โ€œWas that mean to say?โ€ I ask.

โ€œNo, itโ€™s not mean. Just true.โ€

โ€œBut I still have to tell you why I called you.โ€ โ€œWhyโ€™d you call me?โ€

โ€œWhen we go to visit Mom tomorrow night, will you come too?โ€

โ€œYou want me to come?โ€ โ€œYes.โ€

โ€œIโ€™ll come, but you have to promise me two things.โ€ โ€œFine,โ€ I say.

โ€œNumber one, when we hang up, I want you to go downstairs and drink a big glass of water. And before you go to bed, have another one.โ€

โ€œWhy?โ€

โ€œYou wonโ€™t be as sick tomorrow, hopefully.โ€ โ€œOkay.โ€

โ€œNumber two is very important, Autumn.โ€ โ€œOkay.โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t have s*x with Jamie while youโ€™re drunk,โ€ Finny says. I close my eyes. I know what I want to say, but I am silent. My words canโ€™t find their way through the fog of my mind and out of my mouth. There is something here, something significant, if I could just find it. โ€œAutumn?โ€ he says.

โ€œI wasnโ€™t going to,โ€ I say. The words fall from me like stones dropping into waterโ€”one, two, three, four.

โ€œOkay,โ€ he says. Weโ€™re both quiet now. There is a thump downstairs, and laughter. โ€œI was going to come on Thursday anyway,โ€ he says.

โ€œJamie and I are going to have s*x after graduation,โ€ I say. There is a pause. I can hear him breathing.

โ€œWhy then?โ€

โ€œI dunno.โ€ I want him to tell me that itโ€™s okay, that itโ€™s the right thing to do.

โ€œHow many drinks have you had?โ€ he asks.

โ€œThree,โ€ I say, โ€œand I have one waiting for me downstairs.โ€ โ€œI think you should stop after that.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re always so bossy,โ€ I say. โ€œPromise me,โ€ Finny says.

โ€œI promise,โ€ I say. โ€œOkay then.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m supposed to be washing my arm. I should go.โ€

โ€œWhy are you washing your arm?โ€ โ€œJamie licked it. Twice.โ€

โ€œIs that something he normally does?โ€ โ€œNo. Heโ€™s drunk too.โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t forget to drink your water.โ€ โ€œI wonโ€™t. Bye.โ€

โ€œBye.โ€

Downstairs, the good spy is flying off on a helicopter with the girl. Iโ€™ve forgotten to get any โ€œhair thingiesโ€ for Alex, but Sashaโ€™s head is on his shoulder now and he doesnโ€™t notice. My arm is red and itchy where I rubbed it with hot water, proof that I was washing it upstairs. I sit down next to the other boy Iโ€™m in love with.

โ€œWhatโ€™s that?โ€ he says.

โ€œA glass of water,โ€ I say. โ€œYou want some?โ€

โ€œSure,โ€ he says. I hand him my glass. He takes two gulps and passes it back to me. I finish it and cuddle up next to him. He leans his head against mine. The spy kisses the girl and the music swells. The screen fades to black.

Tonight I will sleep all night with Jamie in my bed but we will not have s*x. In the morning, he will kiss me and breathe his hot breath on my neck and Iโ€™ll bury my head in his shoulder. Angie will be vomiting in the bathroom down the hall. Alex will be sick too. Jamie and I wonโ€™t be sick. Those of us who can eat will fry eggs, and with glazed eyes we will all watch the morning news on the couch. No one will talk much. I wonโ€™t tell them that Iโ€™m visiting my mother later. When they are gone, I will be relieved, and I will go back to sleep.

That evening, I will put on a skirt and go next door. I will decline when Finny offers me the front seat. Aunt Angelina will turn the station to oldies and no one will sing along. I will watch the back of Finnyโ€™s head as the car turns into the hospital parking lot because he is there, right there, and he was going to be anyway.

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