AJ, do you want chocolate chip or blueberry?โ
Weโre grocery shopping. AJ, Trey, and I.ย e last time I was at this Target was with Owen, and thatโs been a while. Almost three months to be exact. Not that Iโm counting. Iโm totally counting. I do everything I can to make it stop. Iโve been trying to focus on this thing developing between Trey and me, but Iโm constantly comparing him to Owen.
I barely knew the guy, but somehow he reached a part of me that no one has reached since I was with Adam. And despite the things Owen has done, I know heโs a good person. As much as I try to get over the way my chest feels when I think about him, the feelings are still there and Iโm at a loss as to how to make them go away.
โMommy,โ AJ says, pulling on the hem of my shirt. โCan I?โ I snap out of my trance. โCan you what?โ
โGet a toy.โ
I begin to shake my head, but Trey answers before I have the chance to. โYeah, letโs go look at the toys.โ He grabs AJโs hand and begins walking backward. โMeet us in toys when youโreย nished,โ he says, turning away.
I watch them.ย eyโre both laughing, and AJโs little hand is engulfed by Treyโs and it makes me hate myself for not trying harder. Trey loves AJ and AJ obviously loves Trey and here I am being completely selย sh, simply because I donโt feel the same connection to Trey as I did with Owen. I spent two days with Owen.ย atโs it. I probably would have found something I didnโt like about him had I spent more time with him, so I could very well be caught up in theย ideaย of Owen rather than actual feelings toward him.
Looking at it this way makes me feel somewhat better. I may not have had an instant connection to Trey but itโs deย nitely growing. Especially with the way he treats AJ. Anyone who can make AJ happy makes me happy.
For theย rst time in a long time, I actually catch myself smiling over the thought of Trey rather than the thought of Owen. I grab most of the items on the list before heading toward the toy section. I take a shortcut through sporting goods and come to an immediate stop as soon as I round a corner.
If fate plays jokes, this is the absolute worst one.
Owen is staring back at me with as much disbelief registered on his face as Iโm sure is on mine. In an instant, everything Iโve been trying to feel for Trey is reduced tenfold, and itโs all directed toward Owen. I grip the cart with my hands and debate whether or not to turn in the opposite direction without speaking to him. He would understand, Iโm sure.
He must be having the same internal struggle, because we both stopped walking as soon as we laid eyes on one another. Neither of us is speaking. Neither of us is retreating.
Weโre both just staring.
My entire body feels his stare, and I physically ache in every part of me.
e main reason Iโve doubted whatโs happening between Trey and myself is standing right in front of me, reminding me of what true feelings for someone should be like.
Owen smiles, and I suddenly wish we were in the cleaning aisle, because someone is going to have to mop me up o๏ฌย thisย oor.
He glances to his left and then his right before his gaze lands back on me. โAisle thirteen,โ he says with a grin. โMust be fate.โ
I smile, but my smile is robbed by the sound of AJโs voice. โMommy, look!โ he says as he tosses two toys into the cart. โTrey said I could have both.โ
Trey.
Trey, Trey, Trey, who is probably behind me right now, based on Owenโs reaction. He sti๏ฌens and stands straight, gripping his cart with both hands. His eyes are on someone behind me.
An arm slips around my waist, gripping me possessively. Trey stands beside me and I can feel him eyeing Owen. He moves his hand to my lower back and then his lips meet my cheek. I close my eyes because I donโt want
to see the look on Owenโs face. โCome on, babe,โ Trey says, urging me to turn around. Heโs never called me babe before. I know heโs only using the term in front of Owen to make our relationship seem more than what it is.
After another tug on my arm, Iย nally turn and walk with Trey.
Weย nish getting the few items that are left on my list. Trey doesnโt speak to me the entire time weโre shopping. Heโs keeping conversation going with AJ, but I can tell heโs angry. My stomach is a ball of nerves because heโs never given me the silent treatment like this before and I donโt know what to expect.
e silent treatment continues through the checkout line, all the way to his car. He loads the groceries into the trunk while I buckle AJ into the backseat. When I have him strapped into his booster seat, I close the door and turn toย nd Trey leaning against the car, staring at me. Heโs so still, he doesnโt even look like heโs breathing.
โDid you speak to him?โ
I shake my head. โNo. I had just turned the corner right before you and AJ walked up.โ
Treyโs arms are folded across his chest and his jaw is tense. He looks over my shoulder for several seconds before bringing his eyes back to mine.
โDid you fuck him?โ
I stand up straighter, shocked at his question. Especially because weโre standing right outside AJโs door. I glance inside the car at AJ but his focus is on his toys and not at all on the two of us. When I look back at Trey, I think Iโm angrier than he is.
โYou canโt be mad at me for running into someone at a store, Trey. I donโt control who shops here.โ
I try to move past him, but he grabs my arm and pushes me against the car with the weight of his chest against mine. He brings his hand up to the side of my head and lowers his mouth to my ear. My heart is beating erratically, because I have no idea what heโs about to do.
โAuburn,โ he says, his voice a deep, threatening whisper. โHeโs been inside your apartment. Heโs been in your bedroom. He was in that stupid fucking tent with you. Now I need you to tell me if heโs ever been insideย you.โ
Iโm shaking my head, doing whatever I can to calm him down, because AJ is just a foot away from us inside this car. Heโs gripping my wrist with
his right hand, waiting for me to give him a verbal response. Iโll say whatever I need to say to make sure he doesnโt lose his temper right now.
โNo,โ I whisper. โIt wasnโt like that. I barely knew him.โ
Trey pulls back a few inches and looks me in the eye. โGood,โ he says. โBecause the way he was watching you made me think otherwise.โ He presses his lips against my forehead and relieves some of the pressure around my wrist. He smiles gently at me, but the smile has the opposite e๏ฌect. It terriย es me that his temperament can switch as fast as it just did. He pulls me in for a hug and presses his face into my hair. He inhales and then exhales slowly.
โIโm sorry,โ he whispers. โLetโs get out of here.โ
He opens the passenger door for me and shuts it after I climb inside. I exhale, relieved the moment is over but knowing full well that his reaction is a huge redย ag.
As if my attention is being summoned, my eyes fall to a car across the parking lot. Owen is standing next to it, staring in my direction.ย e look on his face makes it apparent that he witnessed everything that just happened. However, from across the parking lot it could have very well looked like a tender moment rather than what it actually was. Which could also explain the pained look on Owenโs face.
He opens his car door just as Trey opens his. I keep my eyes focused on Owen long enough to see him lift a hand to his heart and clench it in aย st.
e words he spoke to me about how much he missed his mother and brother replay in my head.ย โSometimes I miss them so much, it hurts me right here. It feels like someone is squeezing my heart with the strength of the entire goddamn world.โ
Trey pulls out of the parking lot and right before Owen is out of my view, I inconspicuously lift myย st to my own chest. Our eyes remain locked until they canโt anymore.
 |
e incident at the grocery store yesterday wasnโt mentioned again. Trey and AJ spent the entire evening at my house, and Trey acted as if nothing was amiss while he cooked AJ chocolate chip pancakes. In fact, if anything, Trey was in an extra-good mood. I donโt know if it was a front to make up
for the anger he expressed in the parking lot or if he really does enjoy spending the time he does with the two of us.
His sudden good mood could have also been because he knew he wouldnโt see me for four days and he didnโt want to leave on bad terms. He left for a conference in San Antonio this morning, and I could tell when he told me good-bye last night that he was uneasy about leaving me. He repeatedly asked me about my schedule and what plans I have for the weekend. Lydia is taking AJ to Pasadena for their weekend visit with her family. If I didnโt have to work today, I would have gone with them.
But I didnโt go, and now here I am with an entire weekend ahead of me and absolutely nothing to do; I think that makes Trey nervous. He obviously has trust issues when it comes to Owen.
Rightfully so. After all, here I am, two hours after Trey has left the city of Dallas, and Iโm standing in front of Owenโs studio. Every day that I walk by his studio, I inconspicuously slip a piece of paper in the slot. Iโve left over twenty confessions in the last few weeks. I know heโsย ooded with confessions, so thereโs no way he would know which ones were mine. But it makes me feel better to leave them. Most of the confessions are trivial things that have nothing to do with him.ย ey usually have to do with AJ, and I never write them in such a way that Owen would be able to tell it was me. Iโm sure he would never even guess that I leave them. But it feels like a form of therapy, anyway.
I look down at the confession I just wrote.
I think about you every time he kisses me.
I fold it in two and slip it through the slot, not thinking twice about it. Since that moment between us in the grocery store yesterday, I can still feel him. I want to hear his voice again. I want to see his smile again. I keep telling myself that leaving this confession is just to get closure so I can move ahead with Trey, but I know itโs for purely selย sh reasons.
I grab another piece of paper from my purse and quickly scribble words across it.
Heโs out of town this weekend.
I slide the paper through the slot without even folding it. As soon as itโs out of my reach, my chest tightens, and I immediately regret what I just wrote.ย at wasnโt a confession; it was an invitation. One that I need to rescind. Right now. Iโm not that girl.
Why did I just do that?
I attempt to slip myย ngers through the slot, knowing the paper has fallen to theย oor by now. I grab another piece from my purse and write something to follow up the last confession.
Ignore that confession. That wasnโt an invitation. I donโt know why I wrote it.
I slide that piece of paper through the slot and immediately regret that one even more. Now I just look like an idiot. Again, I tear o๏ฌย another piece of paper and write on it, knowing I should somehow get this paper and pen out of my own reach.
You really should have a way for people to retract their confessions, Owen. Like maybe a twenty-second return policy.
I slide that one through the door as well, and shove the paper and pen into my purse.
What have I just done?
I slide the strap of my purse up my shoulder and continue toward the salon. I swear this has to be the most embarrassing thing Iโve ever done. Maybe he wonโt read them until Monday, and the weekend will be over.
|
Itโs been eight hours since my slipup this morning as I was walking past Owenโs studio. Iโve had a lot of time to consider why I would even think it was okay to leave something like that for him to read. I know it was a weak moment, but it isnโt fair of me to do that to him. If he really did develop feelings for me in the short time I knew him, the fact that I refuse to be with him is out of his control. And then I go and leave stupid notes like Iโve been leaving for the past few weeks, even though today was theย rst day I actually left confessions that pertained to the two of us.
Iโve made my decision though, and even if I donโt feel for Trey the way he feels for me, I would never betray him. Once I make a commitment to
someone, Iโm the type of person who will honor that commitment.
Weโve had the discussion about not seeing other people, even though to me it still doesnโt necessarily feel likeย weโreย even seeing each other.ย is means I need to somehowย nd a way to get over the thought of Owen. I need to stop worrying about him. I need to stop walking by his studio when I know there are di๏ฌerent routes I could take. I need to put my focus and energy into my relationship with Trey, because if I want Trey to be aย gure in AJโs life, I need to be committed to making that relationship work.
And Trey has been good to me. I know his bout of jealousy in the parking lot yesterday scared me, but I canโt blame him. Seeing Owen and me together more than likelyย lled him with insecurity, so of course heโs angry. And heโs good to AJ. He could provide for us in a way that I canโt do on my own.ย ere isnโt a reason in the world why I shouldnโt want to make this work with Trey other than my own selย shness.
โIโm leaving,โ Donna says, peeking around the corner. โDo you mind locking up?โ
Donna is the newest employee, and sheโs been here for about two weeks now. Sheโs already got more clients than I do and does a way better job. Not that Iโm bad at what I do, Iโm just not that great. Itโs hard to be great at something you hate.
โNo problem.โ
She tells me good-bye, and Iย nish washing the dye bowls in the sink. Several minutes after she leaves, the bell chimes, signaling someone has entered the salon. I step around the partition in order to let whoever it is know that weโreย nished for the day, but my words are caught in my throat when I see him.
Heโs standing by the front door, looking around the salon. When his gaze falls on me, the song playing through the overhead speaker comes to a timely end and a heavy silenceย lls the room.
If I could feel for Trey even a fraction of what Owen makes me feel just standing across the room from me, I could probably make that relationship work without issue.
But I donโt feel this with anyone else. Just Owen.
He begins to walk toward me with quiet conย dence. Iโm not moving at all. Iโm not even sure my heart is moving. I know my lungs arenโt moving,
because I havenโt taken a breath since I stepped around this corner and saw him standing there.
He pauses when heโs aboutย ve feet away from me. His stare hasnโt deviated once, and I can no longer control the obvious rise and fall of my chest. His presence alone is causing me actual, physical turmoil.
โHi,โ he says. His expression is cautious. Heโs not giving away a single ounce of emotion. I donโt know if heโs angry about my confessions, but heโs here, so he obviously knew they were from me. When I fail to return his greeting, he glances over his shoulder brieย y. He runs a hand through his hair and then turns back to face me.
โYou have time for a haircut?โ he asks.
My eyes move to his hair, and itโs signiย cantly longer than after the last cut I gave him.
โYou trust me to cut your hair again?โ Iโm shocked at the playfulness in my voice. No matter the circumstances, things just seem so easy with him.
โย at depends. Are you sober?โ
I smile, relieved that heโs able to return the banter in the midst of our cold war. I nod and point to the back of the salon, where the sinks are. He walks toward me, and I walk around him, making my way to the front door to lock it.ย e last thing I need is someone walking in who shouldnโt see him here.
When I return to the back, heโs already seated in the same chair I washed his hair in last time. And just like last time, his eyes never deviate from my face. I test the water before running it over his hair. After wetting it, I dispense shampoo onto my palm and work my hands through his hair until it lathers. For a few seconds, his eyes fall shut, and I take this opportunity to stare at him.
He reopens them as soon as I begin rinsing his hair, so I quickly glance away.
I wish he would say something. If heโs here, thereโs a reason heโs here.
And itโs not to stare at me.
When Iโmย nished washing his hair, we silently walk toward the front. He takes a seat in my salon chair, and I dry his hair with a towel. Iโm not sure if I breathe the entire time Iโm cutting his hair, but I do what I can to focus on the hair and not him.ย e salon has never been this quiet.
Itโs also never been this loud.
I canโt stop the thoughts from racing through my head.ย oughts of what it was like being kissed by him.ย oughts of how he made me feel when his arms were around me.ย oughts of how our conversations felt so natural and real that I never wanted them to end.
When Iโmย nished with the last cut of the scissors, I comb his hair out and then clean him up. I remove the protective smock and shake it out. I fold it and place it into the drawer.
He stands up and pulls out his wallet. He lays aย fty-dollar bill on the counter and slides his wallet back into his pocket.
โย ank you,โ he says with a smile. He turns to leave, and I immediately shake my head, not wanting him to go. We havenโt even discussed the confessions. He didnโt even tell me what made him stop by.
โWait,โ I call out to him. Just as he reaches the door, he turns around, slowly. I try toย gure out what to say to him, but nothing I really want to say will come out. Instead, I look down at theย fty-dollar bill and grab it, holding it up. โย is is way too much money, Owen.โ
He stares quietly for what seems like an eternity before he opens the door and walks out without a word.
I fall into my salon chair, completely confused by my reaction. What did I want him to do? Did I want him to make a move? Did I want him to invite me back to his place?
I wouldnโt have been okay with either of those things, and the fact that Iโm upset that neither of them happened makes me feel like a horrible person.
I look down at theย fty-dollar bill in my hand. I notice for theย rst time that thereโs writing on the back of it. Iย ip it over and read the message sprawled across the back in black Sharpie.
I need at least one night with you. Please.
I clench myย st and hold it up to my chest.ย e erratic beat of my heart and the rapid expansion of my lungs to make room for more air are the only two things I can focus on right now.
I toss the money on the counter and I bury my head in my arms. Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Iโve never wanted to do the wrong thing so much in my entire life.
|
When I pause in front of his studio, Iโm contemplating making a decision that I wonโt be proud of tomorrow. If I walk inside, I know what will happen between us. And while I know with Trey being out of town, the likelihood of his everย nding out about this is slim, it still doesnโt make it okay.
e thought of hisย nding out about it also doesnโt make me want to do it any less.
Before I can even make the choice for myself, the door opens and Owenโs hand reaches out for mine. He pulls me inside the dark studio and closes the door behind me, clicking the lock into place. I wait for my eyes to adjust to the darkness and my conscience to adjust to the fact that Iโm here. Inside his studio.
โYou shouldnโt stand outside like that,โ he says. โSomeone might see you.โ
Iโm not sure whom heโs referring to, but there isnโt a chance of Trey seeing me tonight, considering heโs in San Antonio. โHeโs out of town.โ
Owen is standing less than two feet away, watching me with his head tilted to the side. I can see a faint smile cross his lips. โSo I was told.โ
I look down at my feet, embarrassed. I close my eyes and try to talk myself out of this. Iโm putting everything at risk by being here. I know if I could shut down the thoughts that have been going through my head, I would be able to see that this isnโt smart. Whether we get caught or not, being with him wonโt make anything better. Itโll just make it worse, because Iโll more than likely want him even more after tonight.
โI shouldnโt be here,โ I say quietly.
Heโs eyeing me with his same unwavering expression. โBut you are.โ โOnly because you pulled me inside without asking.โ
He laughs quietly. โYou were standing outside my door trying to decide what to do. I just helped make the decision for you.โ
โI havenโt made any decision yet.โ
He nods. โYes you have, Auburn. Youโve made a lot of decisions. You chose to be with Trey for the long haul. And now youโre choosing to be with me for the night.โ
I bite my bottom lip and glance away from him. I donโt like his comment, no matter how much truth is in it. Sometimes the truth hurts, and having him lay it out like that makes it seem more black and white than it really is.
โYouโre being unfair.โ
โNo, Iโm being selย sh,โ he says. โItโs the same thing.โ
He takes a step toward me. โNo, Auburn, it isnโt. Unfair would be giving you an ultimatum. Being selย sh is doing something like this.โ His lips connect with mine with strength and purpose. His hands slide into my hair and wrap around the back of my head. He kisses me like heโs giving me every kiss he wishes he could have given me in the past, and every kiss heโll wish he could give me in the future.
All of them, all at once.
His hands drop to my back and he pulls me against him. Iโm not sure where my hands are at this point. I think Iโm holding on to him for dear life, but every part of me other than my mouth has just gone completely numb.ย e only thing Iโm fully aware of is his mouth on mine. His kiss is all I know in this moment.
All I want to think about.
But damn it if Trey doesnโt force his way into my thoughts. I donโt care how strong my feelings are for Owen, my loyalty is with Trey. Owenโs actions forced me to make a choice, and now we both have to live with the consequences.
I break apart from him,ย nding strength to push against his chest. Our mouths separate, but my hands remain pressed against him. I can feel the deep rise and fall of his chest, and knowing he feels what I feel is almost enough for me to pull him back to my mouth.
โTrey,โ I say breathlessly. โIโm with Trey now.โ
Owen squeezes his eyes shut, like the sound of his name is painful to hear. Heโs breathing so heavily, he has to catch his breath before he responds. He opens his eyes andย xes his gaze on mine. โYour commitment is the only part of you thatโs with Trey.โ He lifts his hand and presses his palm over my shirt, against my heart. โEvery other part of you is with me.โ
His words a๏ฌect me more than his kiss. I try to inhale, but his hand pressed against my heart isnโt allowing it. He takes a step closer until weโre
ush together. His palm is still pressed to my chest, but now his other arm is wrapped around my lower back.
โHe doesnโt make your heart feel like this, Auburn. He doesnโt make it so crazy that it tries to beat through the walls of your chest.โ
I close my eyes and lean into him. I think my body makes the choice for me, because my mind has certainly lost all control. I press my face against his neck and listen quietly as our breaths fail to slow.ย e longer we stand here and the more he says, the heavier our need grows. I can feel it in the way he holds me. I can hear it in the desperate plea of his voice. I can feel it with every rise and fall of his chest.
โI get why you had to choose him,โ he says. โI donโt like it, but I understand it. I also know that giving one night to me doesnโt take away the fact that you might be giving him forever. But like I said . . . Iโm selย sh. And if one night with you is all I can get, then Iโll take it.โ He lifts my head o๏ฌย his shoulder and tilts my face up to his. โIโll take whatever youโre willing to give me. Because I know that if you walk out that door, then ten years from now . . . twenty years from now . . . weโll wish we had listened to our hearts when we think back on tonight.โ
โย atโs what scares me,โ I tell him. โIโm afraid if I listen to my heart once, Iโll neverย gure out how to ignore it again.โ
Owen lowers his mouth to mine, and in a whisper he says, โIf only I could be so lucky.โ His mouth connects with mine again, and this time Iโve very aware of every part of me. Iโm pulling him to me with as much desperation as heโs pulling at me. His mouth is everywhere as he kisses me with relief, knowing this kiss is me agreeing to whatever heโs asking of me. Itโs my way of telling him he can have tonight.
โI need you upstairs,โ he says. โNow.โ
We begin to make our way across theย oor of the studio, but neither of us can keep our mouths or hands o๏ฌย each other, so it takes us a while. Once we reach the stairs, he begins to back up them, making it even harder to continue kissing. When he sees we arenโt getting anywhere, heย nally grabs my hand and turns around, pulling me up the stairs until weโre in his apartment.
When his mouth meets mine again, itโs a completely di๏ฌerent kind of kiss than the one we were just sharing. He cradles my head between both of
his hands and he kisses me slowly. Soft and deep and full of highs and lows and depth.
He kisses me like Iโm his canvas.
He grabs both of my hands and intertwines hisย ngers with mine. His forehead meets mine when his kiss comes to an end.
No one has ever made me feel this much. Not even Adam. And maybe the way I feel being kissed by him is a feeling that is so rare, itโs something Iโll never experience again after tonight.
at thought terriย es me, and also seals my fate until tomorrow morning, because whatever I feel with Owen shouldnโt be taken for granted. Not even for the sake of loyalty to Trey.
And I honestly donโt care what kind of person that makes me. โIโm scared Iโll never feel this again with anyone else,โ I whisper. He squeezes my hands. โIโm scared you will.โ
I pull back and look at him, because I need him to know that my feelings for Trey will never match this. โIโll never have this with him, Owen. Not even close.โ
He makes a face that isnโt full of relief like I expected. In fact, itโs almost as if I said something he doesnโt want to hear. โI wish you could,โ he says. โI donโt want to think of you having to spend a lifetime with someone who doesnโt deserve you.โ
He wraps his arms around me, and I bury my face in his neck again. โย atโs not what I meant,โ I say. โIโm not saying he deserves me any less than you do. I just feel a di๏ฌerent kind of connection with you, and it scares me.โ
His hands grip the nape of my neck, and he moves his mouth to my ear. โYou may not think he deserves you less than I do, but thatโs exactly what Iโm saying, Auburn.โ His hands lower until he grips my thighs, and then he lifts me. He carries me across the room and lowers me down onto the bed. He slides on top of me, cradling my head between his forearms. He kisses me gently on the forehead, then again on the tip of my nose. His eyes meet mine, and he looks at me with more sincerity and honesty than Iโve ever seen in them before. โNo one deserves you like I do.โ
His hands meet the button on my jeans, and he unbuttons them. His lips rest against my neck as he continues to convince me with his words that this is exactly where we need to be. โNo one sees you like I do.โ
I close my eyes and listen to the sound of his voice. I wait as he removes my jeans, anticipating the touch of his hand against my skin. His palms slide up the sides of my legs and then his mouth is against mine again.
โNo one understands you the way I do.โ
He presses himself against me at the same time his tongue slips inside my mouth. I moan, and the room begins to spin, and the combination of his words and his touch and his body on mine are like gasoline on aย re. He begins to pull my shirt and bra over my head and I do nothing to help him or stop him. Iโm useless against his touch.
โNo one makes your heart beat like I do.โ
He kisses me, pausing only to remove his shirt. I somehow regain control of my senses when I realize my hands are pulling at his jeans, attempting to remove them so I can feel him skin to skin.
He presses his palm against my heart. โAnd no one else deserves to be inside you if they canโt get there through hereย rst.โ
His words trickle against my mouth like raindrops. He kisses me softly and then lifts himself o๏ฌย the bed. My eyes remain closed, but I hear his jeans meet theย oor and I hear the tear of a wrapper. I feel his hands on my hips as he hooks hisย ngers beneath my panties and pulls them down. And it isnโt until heโs on top of me again that Iย nallyย nd the strength to open my eyes.
โSay it,โ he whispers, looking down at me. โI want to hear you tell me I deserve you.โ
I slide my hands up his arms, along the curves of his shoulders, up the sides of his neck, and into his hair. I look him directly in the eyes. โYou deserve me, Owen.โ
He drops his forehead to the side of my head and grabs my leg, lifting it, locking it around his waist. โAnd you deserve me, Auburn.โ
He pushes into me, and Iโm not sure which is louderโhis groan or my sudden outburst of โOh my God.โ
He buries himself deep inside me and holds still. He looks down at me breathlessly and smiles. โI canโt tell if you said that because this feels incredibly good to you or if youโre making fun of my initials again.โ
I smile between gasps. โBoth.โ
Our smiles fade when he begins moving again. He keeps his mouth close to mine but far enough away that he can look down into my eyes. He moves
in and out of me, slowly, as his lips begin to feather soft kisses across mine. I moan and need more than anything to close my eyes, but the way heโs looking at me is something I want to remember every time I take a breath.
He pulls back again and pushes against me at the same time his lips meet my cheek. He begins toย nd a rhythm between each kiss, and he keeps his eyes focused on mine with every thrust.
โย is is what I want you to remember, Auburn,โ he says softly. โI donโt want you to remember what it feels like when Iโm inside you. I want you to remember how it feels when I look at you.โ
His lips brush against mine so delicately, I almost donโt feel them. โI want you to remember how your heart reacts every time I kiss you.โ His lips meet mine, and I attempt to ingrain every feeling I get from his kiss and his words into my memory. His hand slides through my hair and he lifts my head slightly o๏ฌย the bed,ย lling me with a deep kiss.
He pulls away so we can catch our breath. Looking into my eyes again, he says, โI want you to remember my hands, and how they canโt stop touching you.โ
He works his mouth slowly up my jaw, until he reaches my ear. โAnd I need you to remember that anyone can make love. But Iโm the only one who deserves to make love to you.โ
My arms lock around his neck with those words, and his mouth crashes against mine. He pushes into me, hard, and I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to beg him to never stop, but what I want even more is this kiss. I want to remember every part of it. I want to engrave the taste of him onto my tongue.
e next several minutes are a blur of moans, kisses, sweat, hands, and mouths. Heโs on top of me, and then Iโm on top of him, and then heโs on top of me again. When I feel the warmth of his mouth meet my breast, I completely lose myself. I let my head fall back and my eyes fall shut and my heart falls straight into the palms of his hands.
Iโm so worked up, so dizzy, so grateful that I made the decision to stay, that I canโt even tell when itโs over. Iโm still breathing so heavily, and my heart is pounding against my chest. Iโm not sure that simply reaching a climax with Owen signiย es the end of this experience. Because coming down from being with him feels just as incredible as it felt when it was occurring.
Iโm lying against his chest and his arms are wrapped around me, and I never thought Iโd be in this position again. A position where I know Iโm right where I belong, but thereโs nothing I can do that can keep me there.
It reminds me of the day I had to say good-bye to Adam. I knew what we felt was more than what people gave us credit for, and being torn away from him before I was ready took me forever to get over.
And now, the same thing is happening with Owen. Iโm not ready to say good-bye. Iโm scared to say good-bye.
But I have to say good-bye, and it hurts like hell.
If I knew how to stop the tears, I would. I donโt want him to hear me cry. I donโt want him to know how upset I am that we canโt have this every day of our lives. I donโt want him to ask me whatโs wrong.
When he feels my tears falling against his chest, he doesnโt do anything to stop them. Instead, he simply holds me with a much tighter grip and presses his cheek against the top of my head. His hand brushes softly through my hair.
โI know, baby,โ he whispers. โI know.โ
