Iย wish she knew how much I thought about her. How every night, I questioned whether the tightness in my chest could actually be the result of missing her, or if it was simply the fact that I wasnโt allowed to see her. Sometimes people want what they canโt have and confuse that with feelings for another person.
Either way, the feeling is there.ย e pressure, the ache, the slow build in my stomach thatโs encouraging me to close the distance between us and take her mouth with mine. I would have done that by now if I hadnโt seen Trey leaving her apartment on my way over. Luckily, heโs an unobservant prick, so he didnโt even notice me.
I deย nitely saw him, though. And it makes me wonder what he was doing here so late at night. Not that I have a right to know, but I certainly canโt squash my curiosity.
He came to see me in jail last week. I was told I had a visitor, and I expected it to be my father.ย ere was a very small part of me that was hoping it was Auburn. I never expected her to come see me while I was in jail, but I think the hope that it might happen kept me more positive than I would have been otherwise.
When I walked into the visitation room and saw Trey standing there, at
rst I didnโt think he was there to see me. But once his glare fell on me, it became clear. I walked to my chair and took a seat, and he did the same.
He stared at me for several minutes without saying a word. I stared back. I donโt know if he thought his mere presence alone was enough intimidation, but he never did speak. Just sat in his chair for ten solid minutes, staring at me.
I never wavered. I did want to laugh a few times, but was able to hold it together. Heย nally stood up, but I remained seated. He walked around the table, poised to head toward the exit behind me, but instead he paused and looked down on me.
โStay away from my girl, Owen.โ
is is when he lost my eye contact. Not because he pissed me o๏ฌย or made me nervous, but because his words were an excruciating punch in the gut.ย e fact that he referred to Auburn as his girl is the last thing I wanted to hear, and that has nothing to do with my jealousy and everything to do with my instincts regarding Trey.
And while I have to admit I hate that Iโve screwed my life up to the point that it would negatively a๏ฌect us if we were together, I hate it even more that he gets to have her. Because she deserves better.ย Soย much better.
She deserves me.
If only she knew that.
Sheโs staring up at me like she wants to throw her arms around me. Like she wants to kiss me. And believe me, if she did either of those things right now I would more than welcome it.
Sheโs standing with her hands at her sides, like she doesnโt know what to do with them. She lifts her right hand and brings it across her chest, squeezing the bicep of her left arm. Her gaze shifts to her feet.
โYouโre okay.โ Her voice comes out extremely unsure of itself. Iโm not sure if sheโs asking me a question or making a simple observation. I nod anyway. She blows out a soft breath, and her relief is something I wasnโt anticipating. I wasnโt expecting her to be worried about me. I was hoping she was, but hoping for it and seeing it are two di๏ฌerent things.
Iโm not sure whatโs happening in this second, but we both simultaneously take a quick step forward. Neither of us stops until her arms are wrapped around my neck and my arms are wrapped around her back, and weโre both gripping one another in a desperate hug.
I tilt my face toward her neck and inhale the scent of her. If her smell had a color, it would be pink. Sweet and innocent with a touch of roses.
After a long but still-too-short embrace, she takes a step back and grabs my hand. She pulls me toward her bedroom and I follow her. When she opens the door, my eyes fall to the blue tent still set up next to her bed. She hasnโt taken it down and that makes me smile. She closes her bedroom door
behind us and grabs the pillows o๏ฌย her bed, smiling gently as she tosses them into the tent and crawls inside.
She lies down in the tent, and I crawl in beside her and lie next to her. We face each other, and for several moments, all we do is stare. I eventually lift my hand and brush a lock of hair from her forehead, but I notice how she pulls away slightly. I drop my hand.
Itโs like she doesnโt want to start the conversation because she knows the
rst thing that needs to be put out there is her relationship with Trey. I donโt want to put her in an awkward position, but I also need to know the truth. I clear my throat and somehow release the words that donโt want answers.
โAre you with him now?โ
eyโre theย rst words Iโve spoken to her since we said good-bye a month ago. I hate that these have to be the words I chose. I should have said, โI missed you,โ or โYou look beautiful.โ I should have said words she would appreciate, but instead, I said words that are hard for her to hear. I know theyโre hard for her to hear because her eyes cast downward and she can no longer look at me.
โItโs complicated,โ she says. If she only knew.
โDo you love him?โ
She immediately shakes her head no.ย isย lls me with relief, but I also hate that sheโs with someone for the wrong reasons.
โWhy are you with him?โ
She makes eye contact with me now and her expression has hardened. โย e same reason I canโt be with you.โ She pauses. โAJ.โ
is is probably the one thing I didnโt want to hear, because itโs the one thing I know I have no control over.
โHe gets you closer to AJ, and I do the exact opposite.โ She nods, but barely.
โDo you feel anything for him? At all?โ
She closes her eyes as if sheโs ashamed. โLike I said . . . itโs complicated.โ
I reach over and grab her hand. I pull it to my mouth and kiss the top of it. โAuburn, look at me.โ
She glances up at me again, and more than anything I want to lean forward and kiss her.ย atโs the last thing she needs, though. It would only
add more complication in her life. โIโm sorry,โ she whispers.
I immediately shake my head. I donโt need to hear how sheโs sorry we canโt be together.ย e reasons we canโt be together are all my fault. Not hers. โI get it. I would never want to be a part of anything that could keep you away from your son. But you have to understand that Trey is not the answer.
Heโs not a good person, and you donโt want AJ to grow up with him as an example.โ
She rolls onto her back and stares upward. I donโt like the distance she put between us just now, but I also know that my words arenโt anything new to her. I know she knows what kind of person he is. โHe loves AJ. Heโs good to him.โ
โFor how long?โ I ask her. โHow long does he have to put on this act to win you over? Because it wonโt last, Auburn.โ
She brings her hands up to her face and her shoulders begin to shake. I immediately wrap my arm around her and pull her to my chest. I didnโt want to show up here and cause her to cry.
โIโm sorry,โ I whisper. โIโm not telling you anything you donโt already know. Iโm sure youโve weighed your options, and this is the only one that works for you and I get that. I just hate it for you.โ
I brush my hand over her hair and kiss the top of her head. She allows me to hold her for several minutes, and I savor each and every one of those minutes because we both know the next thing sheโs going to say to me is good-bye.
I donโt want her to have to say it, so I kiss her once more on top of her head. I kiss her cheek, and then I graze her jaw with myย ngers, tilting her face to mine. I bend forward and gently press my lips to hers. I donโt give her time to overthink it. I close my eyes, release her, and exit the tent.
Sheโs made her choice, and even though itโs not the choice either of us wants, itโs the only choice that works for her right now. And I have to respect that.
 |
I drop my cat o๏ฌย at my studio and decide thereโs no better time than midnight to go see my father. He honored my request and didnโt visit or call
while I was away. Iโm surprised he didnโt visit, but a small part of me is hopeful that he didnโt because seeing his son being sent to jail for his mistakes might have been his rock bottom.
Iโve learned over the years not to allow myself to grow too hopeful, but Iโd be lying if I said every part of me isnโt praying heโs been in rehab while I was away.
I expected he would be either asleep or gone, so I brought my house key with me. All the lights are o๏ฌ.
When I enter the house, I immediately see the faint glow of the TV. I turn toward the living room and see my father lying facedown on the couch. Knowing heโs not in rehab sends a wave of disappointment through me, but I canโt deny the small rush of hope that heโs actually lying on the couch because heโs not breathing.
And that is not something a son should feel for his father. I sit down on the co๏ฌee table, two feet from him.
โDad.โ
He doesnโt immediately wake up. I reach over to my side and pick up his bottle of pills.ย e fact that I just spent a month in jail for him should have been more than enough to make him never want to touch another one of these. Seeing that it wasnโt makes me want to walk out of this house and never look back.
My father is a good person. I know that. If he werenโt a good person, it would be easier to walk away. I would have done it a long time ago. But I know heโs not in control of himself. He hasnโt been for years.
After the accident, he was in a lot of pain, physically and emotionally. It doesnโt help that for the entire month he was in a coma, they had him doped up on meds.
When heย nally woke up and began to recover, the pills were the only things to relieve his pain. When he began needing more than he was prescribed, the doctors refused his requests.
For weeks, I had to watch him su๏ฌer. He wasnโt working, he wouldnโt get out of bed, he was in a constant state of agony and depression. At the time, I didnโt think my father was capable of allowing something as small as a pill to completely devour him, but I was naive.ย e only thing I saw when I looked at him was a man who was in pain and needed my help. I had been behind the wheel of the car that took the life of his son and his wife, and I
would have done anything to make it better. To rectify what happened. I carried a lot of guilt for a long time over that accident, even though I know my father didnโt blame me.ย atโs one thing he did right: repeatedly tell me that it wasnโt my fault.
Still though, itโs hard not to feel guilt when youโre a sixteen-year-old kid. I just wanted to make it better for him. It began with my being prescribed my own pain medication. It was fairly easy to fake back pain after a wreck of our magnitude, so thatโs exactly what I did. After several months of his continuously being in more and more pain, it got to the point where even my additional pills werenโt enough for him.
atโs also when my doctor pulled me o๏ฌย of the pills and refused to give me another prescription. I think he knew what was going on and didnโt want to contribute to my fatherโs addiction.
I had a friend or two at school who knew how to get the pills my father needed, so it started out with my bringing him the medicine from people I knew.ย at went on for two years until those friends either grew out of raiding their parentsโ stashes or moved o๏ฌย to college. Since then, Iโve been getting them from my only other source, which is Harrison.
Harrison isnโt a dealer, but being around alcoholics for the majority of every day makes it fairly easy for him to know who to contact when someone needs something. He also knows the pills arenโt for me, which is the only reason heโs been willing to give them to me.
Now that he knows I went to jail over the very pills heโs been supplying my father, he refuses to get any more for him. Harrison is done, which I was hoping would be the end of it for my father, since it meant the end of his supply.
But here he is with more pills. Iโm not sure how he got these, but it makes me nervous that someone else out there other than myself and Harrison now knows about his addiction. Heโs being reckless now.
As much as Iโve tried to talk my father into rehab, heโs afraid of what would happen to his career if he went and it were to become public knowledge. Right now, his addiction is just bad enough that itโs destroying his personal life. However, itโs almost to the point where it will destroy his professional life. Itโs just a matter of time, because alcohol is beginning to play a large role and the incidents Iโve been rescuing him from this past year are becoming more and more frequent. And I know that addictions donโt
just get better.ย eyโre either actively fought or actively fed. And right now, heโs not doing a goddamn thing toย ght his.
I open the lid and pour his pills into my palm and begin to count them. โOwen?โ my father mutters. He raises himself to a seated position. Heโs
carefully eyeing the pills in my hand, more focused on what Iโm going to do to them than he is on the fact that Iโve been released early.
I set the pills beside me on the co๏ฌee table. I clasp my hands together between my knees and smile at my father.
โI met a girl recently.โ
My fatherโs expression says it all. Heโs completely confused.
โHer name is Auburn.โ I stand up and walk to the mantel on the
replace. I look at the last family photo we ever took. It was more than a year before the accident, and I hate that this is the last memory I have of what they look like. I want a more recent memory of them in my mind, but memories fade a lot faster than photographs.
โย atโs good, Owen,โ my father mutters. โBut itโs after midnight.
Couldnโt you have told me tomorrow?โ
I return to where heโs seated, but I donโt sit this time. Instead, I stare down at him. Down at this man who was once my father.
โDo you believe in fate, Dad?โ He blinks.
โUp until I saw her, I didnโt. But she changed that the second she told me her name.โ I chew on the inside of my cheek for a second before continuing. I want to give him time to absorb everything Iโm saying. โShe has the same middle name as me.โ
He raises an eyebrow over his bloodshot eye. โHaving the same middle name doesnโt necessarily make it fate, Owen. But Iโm happy youโre happy.โ
My father rubs his head, still confused as to why Iโm here. Iโm sure itโs not every night a son wakes his father up after midnight from a drug- induced sleep to rave about the girl he met.
โYou want to know what the best part about her is?โ
My father shrugs. I know he wants to tell me to fuck o๏ฌ, but even he knows itโs in bad taste to tell someone to fuck o๏ฌย after they just spent a month in jail for you.
โShe has a son.โ
is wakes him up a little more. He looks up at me. โIs it yours?โ
I donโt answer that. If he were listening, he would have heard me say I only recently met her.ย O๏ฌciallyย met her, anyway.
I take a seat in front of him. I stare him directly in the eye. โNo. Heโs not mine. But if he were, I guarantee you Iโd never put him in the positions youโve put me in the last few years.โ
My fatherโs eyes fall to theย oor. โOwen . . .,โ he says. โI never asked you toโโ
โYou never asked meย notย to!โ I yell. Iโm standing again, staring down at him. Iโve never felt rage toward him like this. I donโt like it.
I grab the bottle of pills and walk to the kitchen. I pour them down the sink and turn the water on. When all the pills are gone, I head toward his o๏ฌce. I hear him coming after me when he realizes what Iโm doing. โOwen!โ he yells.
I know he also receives a legal prescription, aside from what Iโm able to get him, so I walk behind the desk and pull open the drawer. Iย nd another half-empty bottle of pills. He knows not to try to stop me physically, so he steps aside, all the while begging me not to do this.
โOwen, you know I need those. You know what happens when I donโt take them.โ
I donโt listen to it this time. I begin pouring them down the drain,
ghting him o๏ฌย while I do it.
โI need those!โ Heโs yelling, over and over, trying to grab them as they disappear down the drain. He actually catches one between hisย ngers and shoves it in his mouth. It makes my stomach hurt. He seems so much less human when heโs this desperate and weak.
When the last pill is gone, I turn and face him. Heโs so ashamed; he wonโt even look at me. He drops his elbows to the counter and cradles his head in his hands. I take a step closer to him and lean against the counter as I speak to him calmly.
โI watched her with her son. Iโve seen what she sacriย ces for him,โ I say. โIโve seen what lengths a parent should go to in order to ensure their child has the best possible life they can give them. And when I see her with him, I think of you and me, and how weโre so fucked up, Dad. Weโve been fucked up since that night. And every moment since then, the only thing Iโve wanted is to see you try to get better. But you havenโt. Itโs just gotten worse, and I canโt sit here and be a part of it. Youโre killing yourself, and I
wonโt let the guilt of seeing you su๏ฌer excuse the things I do for you anymore.โ
I turn around and head for the front door, but not before walking by the mantel and taking the picture frame. I pass by him and walk out the front door.
โOwen, wait!โ
I pause before descending the stairs and face him. He stands in the doorway, waiting for me to yell again. I donโt.ย e second I see his lifeless eyes, the guilt seeps back into my soul.
โWait,โ he says again.
Iโm not even sure he knows what heโs asking me. He just knows that heโs never seen this side of me before.ย e resolved side.
โIย canโtย wait, Dad. Iโve been waiting for years. I donโt have anything else left in me to give.โ
I turn around, and I walk away from him.
