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Chapter no 2

Hidden Pictures

Outside the car, itโ€™s a hot muggy June afternoon. Russell toots the horn as he drives away and I guess thereโ€™s no turning back now. The Maxwell house is a big classic Victorian, three stories high, with yellow wood siding and white gingerbread trim. Thereโ€™s a big wraparound porch with wicker furniture and planters full of yellow flowersโ€” daisies and begonias. The property backs up to a large forestโ€”or maybe some kind of park?โ€”so the street is full of birdsongs, and I can hear the insects buzzing and chirping and trilling.

I walk up the flagstone path and climb the steps to the front porch. I ring the doorbell, and a little boy answers. He has orange-reddish hair thatโ€™s sticking straight up. He reminds me of a Troll doll.

I squat down so weโ€™re seeing eye to eye. โ€œI bet your name is Teddy.โ€

The boy gives me a shy smile. โ€œIโ€™m Mallory Quinn. Is yourโ€”โ€

He turns and sprints up the stairs to the second floor, vanishing from sight.

โ€œTeddy?โ€

Iโ€™m not sure what to do. Ahead of me is a small foyer and a passage leading back to a kitchen. I see a dining room (to the left) and a living room (to the right) and gorgeous hard pine floors (everywhere). Iโ€™m struck by the fresh clean scent of central air-conditioningโ€”mixed with a hint of Murphy Oil, as if someone has just given the floors a good scrubbing. All

the furniture looks modern and brand-new, like itโ€™s just arrived from the Crate and Barrel showroom.

I press the doorbell but it doesnโ€™t make a sound. I press it three more timesโ€”nothing.

โ€œHello?โ€

At the far end of the house, in the kitchen, I see the silhouette of a woman turning to notice me.

โ€œMallory? Is that you?โ€

โ€œYes! Hi! I tried your doorbell butโ€”โ€ โ€œI know, sorry. Weโ€™re getting it fixed.โ€

Before I can even wonder how Teddy knew Iโ€™d arrived, sheโ€™s stepping forward to welcome me. She has the most graceful walk Iโ€™ve ever seenโ€”she moves soundlessly, like her feet are barely touching the floor. Sheโ€™s tall, thin, and blond, with fair skin and soft features that seem too delicate for this world.

โ€œIโ€™m Caroline.โ€

I put out my hand but she greets me with a hug. Sheโ€™s one of those people who radiate warmth and compassion, and she holds me an extra moment longer than necessary.

โ€œIโ€™m so glad youโ€™re here. Russellโ€™s told us so many wonderful things. Are you really eighteen months clean?โ€

โ€œEighteen and a half.โ€

โ€œIncredible. After everything youโ€™ve been through? That is just extraordinary. You should be really proud of yourself.โ€

And I worry I might start to cry because I wasnโ€™t expecting her to ask about recovery right away, first thing, before Iโ€™ve even stepped inside her house. But itโ€™s a relief to get it over with, to just put all my worst cards on the table.

โ€œIt wasnโ€™t easy, but itโ€™s easier every day.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s exactly what I tell my patients.โ€ She steps back, reviews me from head to toe, and smiles. โ€œAnd look at you now! Youโ€™re so healthy, youโ€™re glowing!โ€

Inside the house, itโ€™s a crisp pleasant sixty-eight degrees

โ€”a welcome retreat from the muggy weather. I follow Caroline past the staircase and underneath the second-floor

landing. Her kitchen is full of natural light and looks like a cooking show set on the Food Network. Thereโ€™s a large refrigerator and a small refrigerator and the gas range has eight burners. The sink is a kind of trough, wide enough to require two separate faucets. And there are dozens of drawers and cabinets, all different shapes and sizes.

Caroline opens a tiny door and I realize this is a third refrigerator, a miniature one, stocked with cold drinks. โ€œLetโ€™s see, weโ€™ve got seltzer, coconut water, iced teaโ€ฆโ€

โ€œIโ€™d love a seltzer.โ€ I turn to marvel at the wall of windows facing the backyard. โ€œThis is a beautiful kitchen.โ€

โ€œItโ€™s huge, isnโ€™t it? Way too big for three people. But we fell in love with the rest of the house, so we went for it. Thereโ€™s a park right behind us, did you notice? Teddy loves to go stomping through the woods.โ€

โ€œThat sounds like fun.โ€

โ€œBut weโ€™re constantly checking him for ticks. Iโ€™m thinking of buying him a flea collar.โ€

She holds a glass to the ice dispenser and it makes a gentle tinkling soundโ€”like the wind chimes on her front porchโ€”and out fall dozens of tiny crystalline ice pearls. I feel like Iโ€™ve just witnessed a magic trick. She fills the glass with fizzy seltzer water and hands it to me. โ€œHow about a sandwich? Can I make you something?โ€

I shake my head no but Caroline opens the big refrigerator anyway, revealing a smorgasbord of groceries. There are jugs of whole milk and soy milk, cartons of brown eggs from cage-free hens, one-pint tubs of pesto and hummus and pico de gallo. There are wedges of cheese and bottles of kefir and white mesh bags exploding with leafy green vegetables. And the fruit! Giant clamshells of strawberries and blueberries, raspberries and blackberries, cantaloupe and honeydew. Caroline reaches for a bag of baby carrots and a pint of hummus and then uses her elbow to close the fridge. I notice thereโ€™s a childโ€™s drawing on the door, a crude and unskilled portrait of a bunny rabbit. I ask

if Teddy is responsible, and Caroline nods. โ€œSix weeks in this house and already heโ€™s hinting for pets. I told him we have to finish unpacking.โ€

 

 

โ€œHe seems gifted,โ€ I tell her, and I worry the words sound forced, that Iโ€™ve gone too far too soon.

But Caroline agrees with me!

โ€œOh, definitely. Heโ€™s really advanced for his peer group.

Everyone says so.โ€

We settle at a small dining table in the breakfast nook and she hands me a sheet of paper. โ€œMy husband typed up some guidelines. Nothing too crazy but we might as well get them out of the way.โ€

HOUSE RULES

  1. No drugs
  2. No drinking
  3. No smoking
  4. No profanity
  5. No screens
  6. No red meat
  7. No junk food
  8. No visitors without permission.
  9. No photos of Teddy on social media.
  10. No religion or superstition. Teach science.

Underneath the typed list, thereโ€™s an eleventh rule, handwritten in delicate feminine script:

 

 

Have fun!

Caroline starts apologizing for the rules before Iโ€™ve even finished reading them. โ€œWe donโ€™t really enforce number seven. If you want to make cupcakes, or buy Teddy an ice cream, thatโ€™s fine. Just no soda. And my husband insisted on number ten. Heโ€™s an engineer. He works in technology. So science is very important to our family. We donโ€™t say prayers and we donโ€™t celebrate Christmas. If a person sneezes, we wonโ€™t even say God Bless You.โ€

โ€œWhatย doย you say?โ€

โ€œGesundheit. Or โ€˜to your health.โ€™ It means the same thing.โ€

Thereโ€™s an apologetic tone in her voice and I see her glance at the tiny gold cross that hangs from my neckโ€”a gift from my mother on my first Holy Communion. I assure Caroline that her House Rules wonโ€™t be a problem. โ€œTeddyโ€™s religion is your business, not mine. Iโ€™m just here to provide a safe, caring, and nurturing environment.โ€

She seems relieved. โ€œAnd have fun, right? Thatโ€™s rule eleven. So if you ever want to plan a special trip? To a museum or a zoo? Iโ€™m happy to pay for everything.โ€

We talk for a while about the job and its responsibilities, but Caroline doesnโ€™t ask a lot of personal questions. I tell her that I grew up in South Philly, on Shunk Street, just north of the stadiums. I lived with my mother and younger sister, and I used to babysit for all the families on my block. I attended Central High School and I had just received a full athletic scholarship to Penn State when my life ran off the rails. And Russell must have told Caroline the rest, because she doesnโ€™t make me rehash the ugly stuff.

Instead she just says, โ€œShould we go find Teddy? See how you two get along?โ€

The den is just off the kitchenโ€”a cozy, informal family room with a sectional sofa, a chest full of toys, and a fluffy shag rug. The walls are lined with bookshelves and framed posters of the New York Metropolitan Operaโ€”Rigoletto,ย Pagliacci, andย La Traviata. Caroline explains that these are her husbandโ€™s three favorite productions, that they used to visit Lincoln Center all the time before Teddy came along.

The child himself is sprawled on the rug with a spiralbound pad and some yellow number two pencils. At my arrival, he looks up and flashes a mischievous smileโ€”then immediately returns to his artwork.

โ€œWell, hello again. Are you drawing a picture?โ€

He gives his shoulders a big, exaggerated shrug. Still too shy to answer me.

โ€œHoney, sweetheart,โ€ Caroline interjects. โ€œMallory just asked you a question.โ€

He shrugs again, then moves his face closer to the paper until his nose is practically touching the drawing, like heโ€™s trying to disappear inside it. Then he reaches for a pencil with his left hand.

โ€œOh, I see youโ€™re a leftie!โ€ I tell him. โ€œMe, too!โ€

โ€œItโ€™s a common trait in world leaders,โ€ Caroline says. โ€œBarack Obama, Bill Clinton, Ronald Reaganโ€”theyโ€™re all lefties.โ€

Teddy maneuvers his body so I canโ€™t see over his shoulders, I canโ€™t see what heโ€™s working on.

โ€œYou remind me of my little sister,โ€ I tell him. โ€œWhen she was your age, she loved to draw. She had a giant Tupperware bin full of crayons.โ€

Caroline reaches under the sofa and pulls out a giant Tupperware bin full of crayons. โ€œLike this?โ€

โ€œExactly!โ€

She has a light, pleasant laugh. โ€œIโ€™ll tell you a funny story: The whole time we lived in Barcelona, we couldnโ€™t get Teddy to pick up a pencil. We bought him markers, finger paints, watercolorsโ€”he showed no interest in art. But the moment we move back to the States? And move into this house? Suddenly, heโ€™s Pablo Picasso. Now, he draws like crazy.โ€

Caroline lifts the top of the coffee table and I see it doubles as some kind of storage chest. She removes a sheaf of paper thatโ€™s an inch thick. โ€œMy husband teases me for saving everything, but I canโ€™t help myself. Would you like to see?โ€

โ€œDefinitely.โ€

Down on the floor, Teddyโ€™s pencil has stopped moving. His entire body has tensed up. I can tell that heโ€™s listening carefully, that heโ€™s focusing all his attention on my reaction.

โ€œOooh, this first one is really nice,โ€ I tell Caroline. โ€œIs this a horse?โ€

โ€œYes, I think so.โ€

โ€œNo, no, no,โ€ Teddy says, springing off the floor and moving to my side. โ€œThatโ€™s a goat, because he has horns on his head, see? And a beard. Horses donโ€™t have beards.โ€ Then he leans into my lap and turns the page, directing my attention to the next drawing.

โ€œIs that the weeping willow out front?โ€

โ€œYes, exactly. If you climb it, you can see a birdโ€™s nest.โ€

I keep turning pages and it isnโ€™t long before Teddy relaxes in my arms, resting his head against my chest. I feel like Iโ€™m cradling a large puppy. His body is warm and he smells like laundry thatโ€™s fresh out of the dryer. Caroline sits off to the side, watching our interaction, and she seems pleased.

The drawings are all pretty standard kid stuffโ€”lots of animals, lots of smiley-faced people on sunny days. Teddy studies my reaction to every drawing and he soaks up my praise like a sponge.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Caroline seems surprised to find this last picture in the stack. โ€œI meant to set this one aside,โ€ she says, but now she has no choice but to explain it. โ€œThis is Teddy and his, um, special friend.โ€

โ€œAnya,โ€ Teddy says. โ€œHer name is Anya.โ€

โ€œRight, Anya,โ€ Caroline says, winking at me, encouraging me to play along. โ€œWe all love Anya because she plays with Teddy while Mommy and Daddy are working.โ€

I realize Anya must be some kind of weird imaginary playmate so I try to say something nice. โ€œI bet itโ€™s great having Anya around. Especially if youโ€™re a little boy in a new town, and you havenโ€™t met the other children yet.โ€

โ€œExactly!โ€ Caroline is relieved that Iโ€™ve grasped the situation so quickly. โ€œThatโ€™s exactly right.โ€

โ€œIs Anya here now? Is she in the room with us?โ€ Teddy glances around the den. โ€œNo.โ€

โ€œWhere is she?โ€ โ€œI donโ€™t know.โ€

โ€œWill you see her later tonight?โ€

โ€œI see her every night,โ€ Teddy says. โ€œShe sleeps under my bed so I can hear her singing.โ€

Then thereโ€™s a chime in the foyer and I hear the front door open and close. A manโ€™s voice calls out, โ€œHello?โ€

โ€œIn the den!โ€ Caroline calls back, and she looks to Teddy. โ€œDaddyโ€™s home!โ€

Teddy springs from my lap and runs to greet his father, and I return the drawings to Caroline. โ€œThese are โ€ฆ interesting.โ€

She shakes her head and laughs. โ€œHeโ€™s not possessed, I swear. Itโ€™s just a really weird phase. And lots of children have imaginary friends. My colleagues in pediatrics say itโ€™s extremely common.โ€

She sounds embarrassed and Iโ€™m quick to assure her that of course itโ€™s perfectly normal. โ€œI bet itโ€™s because of the move. Heโ€™s invented her so he has someone to play with.โ€

โ€œI just wish she wasnโ€™t so weird-looking. How am I supposed to hang this on the refrigerator?โ€ Caroline turns the picture facedown, then buries it in the stack of other drawings. โ€œBut hereโ€™s the thing, Mallory: Once you start working here, I bet he forgets all about her. Heโ€™ll be having too much fun with his new babysitter!โ€

And I love how sheโ€™s talkingโ€”like the interviewโ€™s over and Iโ€™ve already got the job, and now weโ€™re just problem-solving. โ€œIโ€™m sure the playgrounds here are crawling with kids,โ€ I tell her. โ€œIโ€™ll make sure Teddy has tons of real friends before school starts.โ€

โ€œPerfect,โ€ Caroline says. Out in the hallway, there are footsteps approaching, and she leans closer. โ€œAlso, I meant to warn you about my husband? Heโ€™s not really comfortable with your history. Because of the drugs? So heโ€™s going to look for reasons to say no. But donโ€™t worry.โ€

โ€œSo what shouldโ€”โ€

โ€œAlso, call him Mr. Maxwell. Not Ted. Heโ€™ll like that.โ€

Before I can ask what any of this means, Caroline backs away and her husband enters, carrying a grinning Teddy on his hip. Ted Maxwell is older than Iโ€™m expecting, a good ten or fifteen years older than Caroline, tall and trim with gray hair, dark-framed glasses, and a beard. Heโ€™s dressed in designer jeans, scuffed Oxfords, and a sports coat over a V-neck T-shirtโ€”the sort of outfit that looks casual but costs ten times more than youโ€™d ever imagine.

Caroline greets him with a kiss. โ€œHoney, this is Mallory.โ€

I stand and shake his hand. โ€œHello, Mr. Maxwell.โ€

โ€œSorry Iโ€™m late. Something came up at work.โ€ He and Caroline exchange a look, and I wonder if something comes up a lot. โ€œHowโ€™s the interview going?โ€

โ€œVery well,โ€ Caroline says.

โ€œVeryย veryย well!โ€ Teddy exclaims. He wriggles out of his fatherโ€™s arms and jumps back into my lap, like Iโ€™m Santa

Claus and he wants to tell me everything on his Christmas list. โ€œMallory, do you like hide-and-seek?โ€

โ€œIย loveย hide-and-seek,โ€ I tell him. โ€œEspecially in big old houses with lots of rooms.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s us!โ€ Teddy looks around the den in wide-eyed astonishment. โ€œWe have a big old house! With lots of rooms!โ€

I give him a little squeeze. โ€œPerfect!โ€

Ted seems uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation. He takes his son by the hand and coaxes him out of my lap. โ€œListen, buddy, this is a job interview. A very serious grown-up conversation. Mommy and Daddy need to ask Mallory some important questions. So you need to go upstairs now, okay? Go play LEGOs orโ€”โ€

Caroline interrupts him. โ€œHoney, we already went over everything. I want to take Mallory outside and show her the guest cottage.โ€

โ€œI have my own questions. Give me five minutes.โ€

Ted gives his son a little push, sending him on his way. Then he unbuttons his coat and sits across from me. I realize heโ€™s not quite as trim as I thoughtโ€”he has a bit of a paunchโ€”but the extra weight suits him. He looks well fed, well cared for.

โ€œDid you bring an extra copy of your rรฉsumรฉ?โ€ I shake my head no. โ€œSorry.โ€

โ€œNo problem. Iโ€™ve got it somewhere.โ€

He unbuckles his briefcase and removes a manila folder stuffed with documents. As he flips through the file, I see that itโ€™s full of letters and rรฉsumรฉs from other applicants. There must be fifty of them. โ€œHere it is, Mallory Quinn.โ€ And as he extracts my rรฉsumรฉ from the pile, I see itโ€™s covered with handwritten annotations.

โ€œCentral High School but no college, right?โ€ โ€œNot yet,โ€ I tell him.

โ€œAre you enrolling in the fall?โ€ โ€œNo.โ€

โ€œSpring?โ€

โ€œNo, but hopefully someday soon.โ€

Ted looks at my rรฉsumรฉ, then squints and cocks his head, like he canโ€™t quite make sense of it. โ€œThis doesnโ€™t say if you speak a foreign language.โ€

โ€œNo, sorry. I mean unless you count South Philly. โ€˜Do youse guys wanna jawn of that wooder-ice?โ€™โ€

Caroline laughs. โ€œOh, thatโ€™s funny!โ€

Ted just marks his notes with a small blackย X.

โ€œHow about musical instruments? Any piano or violin?โ€ โ€œNo.โ€

โ€œVisual arts? Painting, drawing, sculpture?โ€ โ€œNo.โ€

โ€œHave you traveled much? Gone abroad?โ€ โ€œWe went to Disney when I was ten.โ€

He marks my rรฉsumรฉ with anotherย X. โ€œAnd now you work for your aunt Becky?โ€

โ€œSheโ€™s not my aunt. Itโ€™s just the name of the day care: Aunt Beckyโ€™s Childcare. Because ABC, get it?โ€

He sifts through his notes. โ€œRight, right, I remember now. Theyโ€™re a recovery-friendly workplace. Do you know how much the state pays them to employ you?โ€

Caroline frowns. โ€œHoney, is that relevant?โ€ โ€œIโ€™m just curious.โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t mind answering,โ€ I tell her. โ€œThe state of Pennsylvania pays one-third of my salary.โ€

โ€œBut we would pay all of it,โ€ Ted says, and he starts scribbling figures in the margins of my rรฉsumรฉ, doing some kind of elaborate calculation.

โ€œTed, do you have other questions?โ€ Caroline asks. โ€œBecause Malloryโ€™s been here a long time. And I still need to show her out back.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s fine. Iโ€™ve got everything I need.โ€ I canโ€™t help but notice that he moves my rรฉsumรฉ to the very bottom of the stack. โ€œIt was nice to meet you, Mallory. Thanks for coming by.โ€

 

 

โ€œDonโ€™t mind Ted,โ€ Caroline tells me just a few moments later as we exit the kitchen through sliding glass patio doors. โ€œMy husbandโ€™s very smart. With computers, heโ€™s a wizard. But socially, heโ€™s awkward, and he doesnโ€™t understand recovery at all. He thinks youโ€™re too high-risk. He wants to hire a student from Penn, some whiz-kid with sixteen hundred SAT scores. But Iโ€™ll convince him you deserve a chance. Donโ€™t worry.โ€

The Maxwells have a big backyard with a lush green lawn, surrounded by tall trees and shrubs and flower beds popping with color. The centerpiece of the yard is a gorgeous swimming pool ringed with patio chairs and umbrellas, like something youโ€™d see in a Las Vegas casino.

โ€œThis is beautiful!โ€

โ€œOur private oasis,โ€ Caroline says. โ€œTeddy loves playing out here.โ€

We walk across the lawn, and the grass feels taut and springy, like the surface of a trampoline. Caroline points to a tiny path at the edge of the yard and tells me it descends into Haydenโ€™s Glenโ€”a three-hundred-acre nature preserve crisscrossed with trails and streams. โ€œWe wonโ€™t let Teddy go alone, because of the creeks. But youโ€™re welcome to take him as much as you want. Just watch out for poison ivy.โ€

Weโ€™ve nearly crossed the yard before I finally glimpse the guest cottageโ€”itโ€™s half-hidden behind the trees, as if the forest were in the process of consuming it. The house reminds me of the candy cottage in the Hansel and Gretel storyโ€”itโ€™s a miniature Swiss chalet with rustic wood siding and an A-frame roof. We climb three steps to a tiny porch, and Caroline unlocks the front door. โ€œThe previous owner kept his lawn mower in here. Used it like a garden shed. But Iโ€™ve fixed it up for you.โ€

Inside, the cottage is just one room, small but spotlessly clean. The walls are white and the roof rafters exposed,

thick brown beams crisscrossing the ceiling. The wood floors are so pristine, Iโ€™m compelled to kick off my sneakers. To the right is a small kitchenette; to the left is the most comfortable-looking bed Iโ€™ve ever seen, with a fluffy white comforter and four enormous pillows.

โ€œCaroline, this is amazing.โ€

โ€œWell, I know itโ€™s a little tight, but after being with Teddy all day, I figured youโ€™d appreciate the privacy. And the bedโ€™s brand-new. You should give it a try.โ€

I sit on the edge of the mattress and lie back, and itโ€™s like falling into a cloud. โ€œOh my God.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s a Brentwood pillowtop. With three thousand coils supporting your body. Ted and I have the same one in our bedroom.โ€

On the far side of the cottage, there are two doors. One opens to a shallow closet lined with shelves; the other is the worldโ€™s smallest bathroom, complete with shower, toilet, and pedestal sink. I step inside and discover Iโ€™m just short enough to pass beneath the showerhead without ducking.

The entire tour doesnโ€™t take more than a minute, but I feel obligated to spend a little more time inspecting everything. Caroline has outfitted the cottage with dozens of small, thoughtful design touches: a bedside reading lamp, a foldaway ironing board, a USB charger for cell phones, and a ceiling fan to keep the air circulating. The kitchen cabinets are stocked with basic amenities: plates and glasses, mugs and silverware, all the same high-end stuff they use in the main house. Plus a few simple provisions for cooking: olive oil, flour, baking soda, salt and pepper. Caroline asks if I like to cook and I tell her Iโ€™m still learning. โ€œMe, too,โ€ she says with a laugh. โ€œWe can figure it out together.โ€

Then I hear heavy footsteps on the porch and Ted Maxwell opens the door. Heโ€™s traded his sports coat for an aquamarine polo shirt, but even in casual clothes he still cuts an intimidating figure. Iโ€™d hoped I would finish the interview without seeing him again.

โ€œTeddy needs you for something,โ€ he tells Caroline. โ€œI can finish showing her around.โ€

And itโ€™s awkward because Iโ€™ve already seen everything there is to see, but Carolineโ€™s out the door before I can say anything. Ted just stands there, watching me, like he thinks Iโ€™m going to steal the sheets and towels.

I smile. โ€œThis is really nice.โ€

โ€œItโ€™s a single-occupancy apartment. No guests without permission. And definitely no sleepovers. Itโ€™s too confusing for Teddy. Will that be a problem?โ€

โ€œNo, Iโ€™m not seeing anyone.โ€

He shakes his head, annoyed that Iโ€™ve missed his point. โ€œWe canโ€™t forbid you from seeing anyone, legally. I just donโ€™t want strangers sleeping in my yard.โ€

โ€œI understand. Thatโ€™s fine.โ€ And I want to believe this is progress, like weโ€™ve taken a tiny step closer to a working relationship. โ€œDo you have other concerns?โ€

He smirks. โ€œHow much time do you have?โ€

โ€œAll the time thatโ€™s necessary. I really want this job.โ€

He moves over to the window and points outside to a small pine tree. โ€œLet me tell you a story. The day we moved into this house, Caroline and Teddy found a baby bird under that tree. It must have fallen out of its nest. Maybe it was pushed, who knows? Anyway, my wife has a big, big heart so she found a shoebox and filled it with shredded paper and she started feeding the baby bird with sugar water, from an eyedropper. Meanwhile Iโ€™ve got movers in the driveway, Iโ€™m trying to unpack the whole house so we can start a life together, and Carolineโ€™s telling Teddy how theyโ€™re going to nurse this baby bird back to health, and one day itโ€™s going to soar high over the treetops. And of course Teddy loves this idea. He names the bird Robert and he checks on Robert every hour, he treats the bird like a baby brother. But within forty-eight hours, Robert is dead. And I swear to you, Mallory, Teddy cried for a week. He was devastated. Over a baby bird. So the point is, we need to be

extra careful about the person we invite to live with us. And given your history, I worry youโ€™re too much of a gamble.โ€

And how can I argue with him? The job pays good money and Ted has a folder stuffed with applications from women who have never been addicted to drugs. He could hire a fresh-faced nursing school student whoโ€™s trained in CPR or a five-time grandmother from Honduras who gives Spanish lessons while preparing homemadeย enchiladas verdes. With options like these, why take a chance on me? I realize my best hope now is to play my trump cardโ€”my last-minute gift from Russell, before I got out of his car.

โ€œI think I have a solution.โ€ I reach in my bag and remove something that looks like a paper credit card with five cotton tabs on the bottom. โ€œThis is a drug test dip card. Theyโ€™re a buck a piece on Amazon, and I will happily pay for them out of my own wages. They test for meth, opiates, amphetamines, cocaine, and THC. Results take five minutes and I will voluntarily submit to testing every week, on random days of your choosing, so you never have to worry. Would that put your mind at ease?โ€

I offer the card to Ted and he holds it at a distance, like heโ€™s disgusted by it, like somehow itโ€™s already dripping with warm yellow urine. โ€œNo, see, this is the problem,โ€ he says. โ€œYou seem like a nice person. I wish you all the best, I really do. But I want a nanny who doesnโ€™t have to pee in a cup every week. You can understand that, right?โ€

 

 

I wait in the foyer of the main house while Ted and Caroline squabble in the kitchen. I canโ€™t hear the specifics of the conversation but itโ€™s pretty clear whoโ€™s arguing what. Carolineโ€™s voice is patient and pleading; Tedโ€™s responses are short, harsh, and staccato. Itโ€™s like listening to a violin and a jackhammer.

When they finally return to the foyer, their faces are flushed, and Caroline forces a smile. โ€œWe feel bad keeping you waiting,โ€ she says. โ€œWeโ€™re gonna talk more and be in touch, okay?โ€

And we all know what that means, right?

Ted opens the door and practically shoves me outside into the sweltering summer heat. The front of the house is so much warmer than the backyard. I feel like Iโ€™m standing on the border of paradise and the real world. I put on a brave face and thank them for the interview. I tell them Iโ€™d love to be considered for the job, that I would really enjoy working with their family. โ€œIf I can do anything to make you feel more comfortable, I hope youโ€™ll ask me.โ€

And theyโ€™re about to close the door when little Teddy squeezes between his parentsโ€™ legs and hands me a sheet of paper. โ€œMallory, I drew you a picture. As a present. You can take it home with you.โ€

Caroline looks over my shoulder and sharply draws in her breath. โ€œOh my gosh, Teddy, itโ€™s beautiful!โ€

 

 

And I know itโ€™s just a couple of stick figures but thereโ€™s a sweetness to the drawing that really gets me. I crouch down so I am staring eye to eye with Teddy, and this time he doesnโ€™t flinch or run away. โ€œI love this drawing, Teddy. As soon as I get home, Iโ€™m going to hang it on my wall. Thank you so much.โ€ I open my arms for a quick hug and he gives me a big one, wrapping his short arms around my neck and burying his face into my shoulder. Itโ€™s the most physical contact Iโ€™ve had in months and I feel myself getting emotional; a tear squeezes out the corner of my eye and I wipe it away, laughing. Maybe Teddyโ€™s father doesnโ€™t believe in me, maybe he thinks Iโ€™m just another burnout doomed to relapse, but his adorable little boy thinks Iโ€™m an angel. โ€œThank you, Teddy. Thank you, thank you, thank you.โ€

 

 

I take my time going to the train station. I stroll along the shady sidewalks, past little girls making chalk drawings and teenage boys shooting baskets in driveways and lawn sprinklers goingย fitz!-fitz!-fitz!-fitz!ย I walk through the little shopping district, past the smoothie shop and the mob of teenagers standing outside the Starbucks. I imagine how nice it must be to grow up in Spring Brookโ€”in a town where everyone has enough money to pay their bills and nothing bad ever happens. And I wish I didnโ€™t have to leave.

I go inside the Starbucks and order a strawberry lemonade. As a recovering addict, Iโ€™ve decided to avoid every kind of psychoactive stimulant, including caffeine (but Iโ€™m not totally crazy; Iโ€™ll still make an exception for chocolate, since it only has a couple milligrams). Iโ€™m spearing my straw through the lid when I recognize Russell on the far side of the dining room, drinking black coffee and reading the sports pages of theย Philadelphia Inquirer. Heโ€™s

probably the last man in America who still buys a print newspaper.

โ€œYou shouldnโ€™t have waited,โ€ I tell him.

He closes the paper and smiles. โ€œI had a hunch youโ€™d stop here. And I want to know how it went. Tell me everything.โ€

โ€œIt was horrible.โ€ โ€œWhat happened?โ€

โ€œYour trump card was a disaster. It didnโ€™t work.โ€

Russell starts laughing. โ€œQuinn, the mother already called me. Ten minutes ago. As soon as you left her house.โ€

โ€œShe did?โ€

โ€œSheโ€™s afraid some other family is going to steal you. She wants you to start as soon as possible.โ€

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