Approximately two hours after Gene left my o๏ฌce with the completed Wife Project questionnaires, there was a knock on the door. I was weighing student essays, an activity that is not forbidden, but I suspect only because nobody is aware that I am doing it. It was part of a project to reduce the e๏ฌort of assessment by looking for easily measured parameters such as the inclusion of a table of contents or a typed versus handwritten cover sheet, factors which might provide as good an indication of quality as the tedious process of reading the entire assignment.
I slipped the scales under my desk as the door opened, and looked up to see a woman I did not recognize standing in the doorway. I estimated her age as thirty and her body mass index at twenty.
โProfessor Tillman?โ
As my name is on the door, this was not a particularly astute question. โCorrect.โ
โProfessor Barrow suggested I see you.โ
I was amazed at Geneโs e๏ฌciency and looked at the woman more carefully as she approached my desk.ย ๎ere were no obvious signs of unsuitability. I did not detect any makeup. Her body shape and skin tone were consistent with health and ๏ฌtness. She wore glasses with heavy frames that revived bad memories of Apricot Ice Cream Woman, a long black T-shirt that was torn in several places, and a black belt with metal chains. It was lucky that the jewelry question had been deleted, because she was wearing big metal earrings and an interesting pendant around her neck.
Although I am usually oblivious to dress, hers seemed incompatible with my expectation of a highly quali๏ฌed academic or professional and with the summer weather. I could only guess that she was self-employed or on
vacation and, freed from workplace rules, had chosen her clothes randomly. I could relate to this.
๎ere had been quite a long gap since either of us spoke and I realized it must be my turn. I looked up from the pendant and remembered Geneโs instructions.
โHow about we do dinner tonight?โ
She seemed surprised at my question, then replied, โYeah, right. How about we do dinner? How about Le Gavroche and youโre paying?โ
โExcellent. Iโll make a reservation for eight p.m.โ โYouโre kidding.โ
It was an odd response. Why would I make a confusing joke with someone I barely knew?
โNo. Is eight p.m. tonight acceptable?โ
โLet me get this straight. Youโre o๏ฌering to buy me dinner at Le Gavroche tonight?โ
Coming on top of the question about my name, I was beginning to think that this woman was what Gene would call โnot the sharpest tool in the shed.โ I considered backing out, or at least employing some delaying tactic until I could check her questionnaire, but could not think of any socially acceptable way to do this, so I just con๏ฌrmed that she had interpreted my o๏ฌer correctly. She turned and left and I realized that I did not even know her name.
I called Gene immediately.ย ๎ere seemed to be some confusion on his part at ๏ฌrst, followed by mirth. Perhaps he had not expected me to handle the candidate so e๏ฌectively.
โHer nameโs Rosie,โ he said. โAnd thatโs all Iโm telling you. Have fun.
And remember what I said about sex.โ
Geneโs failure to provide me with more details was unfortunate, because a problem arose. Le Gavroche did not have a table available at the agreed time. I tried to locate Rosieโs pro๏ฌle on my computer, and for once the photos were useful.ย ๎e woman who had come to my o๏ฌce did not look like any candidate whose name began withย R. She must have been one of the paper responses. Gene had left and his phone was o๏ฌ.
I was forced to take action that was not strictly illegal but doubtless immoral. I justi๏ฌed it on the basis that it would be more immoral to fail to meet my commitment to Rosie. Le Gavrocheโs online reservation system
had a facility for VIPs. I made a reservation under the name of the Dean after logging on using relatively unsophisticated hacking software.
I arrived at 7:59 p.m.ย ๎e restaurant was located in a major hotel. I chained my bike in the foyer, as it was raining heavily outside. Fortunately it was not cold and my Gore-Tex jacket had done an excellent job of protecting me. My T-shirt was not even damp underneath.
A man in uniform approached me. He pointed toward the bike, but I spoke before he had a chance to complain.
โMy name is Professor Lawrence and I interacted with your reservation system at ๏ฌve eleven p.m.โ
It appeared that the o๏ฌcial did not know the Dean or assumed that I was another Professor Lawrence, because he just checked a clipboard and nodded. I was impressed with the e๏ฌciency, though it was now 8:01 p.m. and Rosie was not there. Perhaps she wasย (b) a little earlyย and already seated.
But then a problem arose.
โIโm sorry, sir, but we have a dress code,โ said the o๏ฌcial.
I knew about this. It was in bold type on the website: Gentlemen are required to wear a jacket.
โNo jacket, no food, correct?โ โMore or less, sir.โ
What can I say about this sort of rule? I was prepared to keep my jacket on throughout the meal.ย ๎e restaurant would presumably be air-conditioned to a temperature compatible with the requirement.
I continued toward the restaurant entrance, but the o๏ฌcial blocked my path. โIโm sorry. Perhaps I wasnโt clear. You need to wear a jacket.โ
โIโm wearing a jacket.โ
โIโm afraid we require something a little more formal, sir.โ
๎e hotel employee indicated his own jacket as an example. In defense of what followed, I submit theย Oxford English Dictionaryย (Compact, 2nd Edition) de๏ฌnition ofย jacket: โ1(a) An outer garment for the upper part of the body.โ
I also note that the wordย jacketย appears on the care instructions for my relatively new and perfectly clean Gore-Tex jacket. But it seemed his de๏ฌnition of jacket was limited to โconventional suit jacket.โ
โWe would be happy to lend you one, sir. In this style.โ
โYou have a supply of jackets? In every possible size?โ I did not add that the need to maintain such an inventory was surely evidence of their failure
to communicate the rule clearly, and that it would be more e๏ฌcient to improve their wording or abandon the rule altogether. Nor did I mention that the cost of jacket purchase and cleaning must add to the price of their meals. Did their customers know that they were subsidizing a jacket warehouse?
โI wouldnโt know about that, sir,โ he said. โLet me organize a jacket.โ
Needless to say I was uncomfortable at the idea of being redressed in an item of public clothing of dubious cleanliness. For a few moments, I was overwhelmed by the sheer unreasonableness of the situation. I was already under stress, preparing for the second encounter with a woman who might become my life partner. And now the institution that I was paying to supply us with a mealโtheย service providerย who should surely be doing everything possible to make me comfortableโwas putting arbitrary obstacles in my way. My Gore-Tex jacket, the high-technology garment that had protected me in rain and snowstorms, was being irrationally, unfairly, and obstructively contrasted with the o๏ฌcialโs essentially decorative woolen equivalent. I had paid $1,015 for it, including $120 extra for the customized re๏ฌective yellow. I outlined my argument.
โMy jacket is superior to yours by all reasonable criteria: impermeability to water, visibility in low light, storage capacity.โ I unzipped the jacket to display the internal pockets and continued, โSpeed of drying, resistance to food stains, hood . . .โ
๎e o๏ฌcial was still showing no interpretable reaction, although I had almost certainly raised my voice.
โVastly superior tensile strength . . .โ
To illustrate this last point, I took the lapel of the employeeโs jacket in my hands. I obviously had no intention of tearing it, but I was suddenly grabbed from behind by an unknown person who attempted to throw me to the ground. I automatically responded with a safe, low-impact throw to disable him without dislodging my glasses.ย ๎e termย low impactย applies to a martial arts practitioner who knows how to fall.ย ๎is person did not and landed heavily.
I turned to see him: he was large and angry. In order to prevent further violence, I was forced to sit on him.
โGet the fuck o๏ฌย me. Iโll fucking kill you,โ he said.
On that basis, it seemed illogical to grant his request. At that point another man arrived and tried to drag me o๏ฌ. Concerned thatย ๎ug
Number One would carry out his threat, I had no choice but to disable
๎ug Number Two as well. No one was seriously hurt, but it was a very awkward social situation, and I could feel my mind shutting down.
Fortunately, Rosie arrived.
Jacket Man said, apparently in surprise, โRosie!โ
Obviously he knew her. She looked from him to me and said, โProfessor TillmanโDonโwhatโs going on?โ
โYouโre late,โ I said. โWe have a social problem.โ โYou know this man?โ said Jacket Man to Rosie.
โWhat do you think, I guessed his name?โ Rosie sounded belligerent and I thought this might not be the best approach. Surely we should seek to apologize and leave. I was assuming we would not now be eating in the restaurant.
A small crowd had gathered and it occurred to me that another thug might arrive, so I needed to work out a way of freeing up a hand without releasing the original two thugs. In the process one poked the other in the eye, and their anger levels increased noticeably. Jacket Man added, โHe assaulted Jason.โ
Rosie replied, โRight. Poor Jason. Always the victim.โ I could now see her. She was wearing a black dress without decoration, thick-soled black boots, and vast amounts of silver jewelry on her arms. Her red hair was spiky like some new species of cactus. I have heard the wordย stunningย used to describe women, but this was the ๏ฌrst time I had actually been stunned by one. It was not just the costume or the jewelry or any individual characteristic of Rosie herself: it was their combined e๏ฌect. I was not sure if her appearance would be regarded as conventionally beautiful or even acceptable to the restaurant that had rejected my jacket.ย Stunningย was the perfect word for it. But what she did was even more stunning. She took her phone from her bag and pointed it at us. It ๏ฌashed twice. Jacket Man moved to take it from her.
โDonโt you fucking think about it,โ Rosie said. โIโm going to have so much fun with these photos that these guys will never stand on a door again.ย Professor teaches bouncers a lesson.โ
As Rosie was speaking, a man in a chef โs hat arrived. He spoke brie๏ฌy to Jacket Man and Rosie, and on the basis that we would be permitted to leave without further harassment, Rosie asked me to release my assailants. We all got to our feet, and in keeping with tradition, I bowed, then extended my
hand to the two men, who I had concluded must be security personnel.
๎ey had only been doing what they were paid for and had risked injury in the course of their duties. It seemed that they were not expecting the formalities, but then one of them laughed and shook my hand, and the other followed his example. It was a good resolution, but I no longer felt like eating at the restaurant.
I collected my bike and we walked into the street. I expected Rosie to be angry about the incident, but she was smiling. I asked her how she knew Jacket Man.
โI used to work there.โ
โYou selected the restaurant because you were familiar with it?โ
โYou could say that. I wanted to stick it up them.โ She began to laugh. โMaybe not quite that much.โ
I told her that her solution was brilliant.
โI work in a bar,โ she said. โNot just a barโthe Marquess of Queensbury. I deal with jerks for a living.โ
I pointed out that if she had arrived on schedule, she could have used her social skills and the violence would have been unnecessary.
โGlad I was late then.ย ๎at was judo, right?โ
โAikido.โ As we crossed the road, I switched my bike to my other side, between Rosie and me. โIโm also pro๏ฌcient in karate, but aikido was more appropriate.โ
โNo way. It takes forever to learn that stu๏ฌ, doesnโt it?โ โI commenced at seven.โ
โHow often do you train?โ
โ๎ree times per week, except in the case of illness, public holidays, and travel to overseas conferences.โ
โWhat got you into it?โ asked Rosie. I pointed to my glasses.
โRevenge of the nerds,โ she said.
โ๎is is the ๏ฌrst time Iโve required it for self-defense since I was at school. Itโs primarily for ๏ฌtness.โ I had relaxed a little, and Rosie had provided an opportunity to slip in a question from the Wife Project questionnaire. โDo you exercise regularly?โ
โDepends what you call regularly.โ She laughed. โIโm the un๏ฌttest person on the planet.โ
โExercise is extremely important for maintaining health.โ
โSo my dad tells me. Heโs a personal trainer. Constantly on my case. He gave me a gym membership for my birthday. At his gym. He has this idea we should train for a triathlon together.โ
โSurely you should follow his advice,โ I said.
โFuck, Iโm almost thirty. I donโt need my dad telling me what to do.โ She changed the subject. โListen, Iโm starving. Letโs get a pizza.โ
I was not prepared to consider a restaurant after the preceding trauma. I told her that I intended to revert to my original plan for the evening, which was cooking at home.
โGot enough for two?โ she asked. โYou still owe me dinner.โ
๎is was true, but there had been too many unscheduled events already in my day.
โCome on. I wonโt criticize your cooking. I canโt cook to save my life.โ
I was not concerned about my cooking being criticized. But the lack of cooking skills on her part was the third faultย so farย in terms of the Wife Project questionnaire, after the late arrival and the lack of ๏ฌtness.ย ๎ere was almost certainly a fourth: it was unlikely that her profession as waitress and barmaid was consistent with the speci๏ฌed intellectual level.ย ๎ere was no point in continuing.
Before I could protest, Rosie had ๏ฌagged down a minivan taxi with su๏ฌcient capacity for my bike.
โWhere do you live?โ she asked.
