Nora was standing outside in crisp, clean air. But unlike in Bedford, it wasnโt raining here.
โWhere am I?โ she whispered to herself.
๎ขere was a small row of quaint stone terraced houses on the other side of the gently curving road. Quiet, old houses, with all their lights o๏ฌ, nestled at the edge of a village before fading into the stillness of the countryside. A clear sky, an expanse of dotted stars, a waning crescent moon.ย ๎ขe smell of ๏ฌelds.ย ๎ขe two-way twit-twoo of tawny owls. And then quiet again. A quiet that had a presence, that was a force in the air.
Weird.
She had been in Bedford.ย ๎ขen in that strange library. And now she was here, on a pretty village road. Without hardly even moving.
On this side of the road, golden light ๏ฌltered out of a downstairs window. She looked up and saw an elegantly painted pub sign creaking so๎ly in the wind. Overlapping horseshoes underneath carefully italicised words:ย ๎ปe
๎ปree Horseshoes.
In front of her, there was a chalkboard standing on the pavement. She recognised her own handwriting, at its neatest.
THE THREE HORSESHOES
Tuesday Night โ Quiz Night
8.30 p.m.
โTrue knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.โ โ Socrates (a๎er losing our quiz!!!!)
๎ขis was a life where she put four exclamation marks in a row.ย ๎ขat was probably what happier, less uptight people did.
A promising omen.
She looked down at what she was wearing. A denim shirt with sleeves rolled halfway up her forearms and jeans and wedge-heeled shoes, none of which she wore in her actual life. She had goose-bumps from the cold, and clearly wasnโt dressed to be outside for long.
๎ขere were two rings on her ring ๏ฌnger. Her old sapphire engagement ring was there โ the same one she had taken o๏ฌ, through trembles and tears, over a year ago โ accompanied by a simple silver wedding band.
Crackers.
She was wearing a watch. Not a digital one, in this life. An elegant, slender analogue one, with Roman numerals. It was about a minute a๎er midnight.
How is this happening?
Her hands were smoother in this life. Maybe she used hand cream. Her nails shone with clear polish.ย ๎ขere was some comfort in seeing the familiar small mole on her le๎ย hand.
Footsteps crunched on gravel. Someone was heading towards her down the driveway. A man, visible from the light of the pub windows and the solitary streetlamp. A man with rosy cheeks and grey Dickensian whiskers and a wax jacket. A Toby jug made ๏ฌesh. He seemed, from his overly careful gait, to be slightly drunk.
โGoodnight, Nora. Iโll be back on Friday. For the folk singer. Dan said heโs a good one.โ
In this life she probably knew the manโs name. โRight. Yes, of course.
Friday. It should be a great night.โ
At least her voice sounded like her. She watched as the man crossed the road, looking le๎ย and right a few times despite the clear absence of tra๏ฌc, and disappearing down a lane between the cottages.
It was really happening.ย ๎ขis was actually it.ย ๎ขis was the pub life.ย ๎ขis was the dream made reality.
โ๎ขis is so very weird,โ she said into the night. โSo. Very. Weird.โ
A group of three le๎ย the pub then too. Two women and a man.ย ๎ขey smiled at Nora as they walked past.
โWeโll win next time,โ one of the women said. โYes,โ replied Nora. โ๎ขereโs always a next time.โ
She walked up to the pub and peeked through the window. It seemed empty inside, but the lights were still on.ย ๎ขat group must have been the last to leave.
๎ขe pub looked very inviting. Warm and characterful. Small tables and timber beams and a wagon wheel attached to a wall. A rich red carpet and a wood-panelled bar full of an impressive array of beer pumps.
She stepped away from the window and saw a sign just beyond the pub, past where the pavement became grass.
Quickly, she trotted over and read what it said.
LITTLEWORTH
Welcomes Careful Drivers
๎ขen she noticed in the top centre of the sign a little coat of arms around which orbited the wordsย Oxfordshire County Council.
โWe did it,โ she whispered into the country air. โWeย actuallyย did it.โ
๎ขis was the dream Dan had ๏ฌrst mentioned to her while walking by the Seine in Paris, eating macarons they had bought on the Boulevard Saint-Michel.
A dream not of Paris but of rural England, where they would live together. A pub in the Oxfordshire countryside.
When Noraโs mumโs cancer aggressively returned, reaching her lymph nodes and rapidly colonising her body, that dream was put on hold and Dan moved with her from London back to Bedford. Her mum had known of their engagement and had planned to stay alive long enough for the wedding. She had died four months too soon.
Maybe this was it. Maybe this was the life. Maybe this was ๏ฌrst-time lucky, or second-time lucky.
She allowed herself an apprehensive smile.
She walked back along the path and crunched over the gravel, heading towards the side door the drunken, whiskery man in the wax jacket had recently departed from. She took a deep breath and stepped inside.
It was warm. And quiet.
She was in some kind of hallway or corridor. Terracotta ๏ฌoor tiles. Low wood panelling and, above, wallpaper full of illustrations of sycamore leaves. She walked down the little corridor and into the main pub area which she had peeked at through the window. She jumped as a cat appeared out of
nowhere.
An elegant, angular chocolate Burmese purring away. She bent down and stroked it and looked at the engraved name on the disc attached to the collar.ย Voltaire.
A di๏ฌerent cat, with the same name. Unlike her dear beloved ginger tabby,
she doubted this Voltaire was a rescue.ย ๎ขe cat began to purr. โHello, Volts Number Two. You seem happy here. Are we all as happy as you?โ
๎ขe cat purred a possible a๏ฌrmation and rubbed his head against Noraโs leg. She picked him up and went over to the bar.ย ๎ขere was a row of cra๎ย beers on the pumps, stouts and ciders and pale ales and IPAs.ย Vicarโs Favourite.ย Lost and Found.ย Miss Marple.ย Sleeping Lemons.ย Broken Dream.
๎ขere was a charity tin on the bar for Butter๏ฌy Conservation.
She heard the sound of clinking glass. As if a dishwasher was being ๏ฌlled. Nora felt anxiety constrict her chest. A familiar sensation.ย ๎ขen a spindly twenty-something man in a baggy rugby top popped up from behind the bar, hardly giving any attention to Nora as he gathered the last remaining used glasses and put them in the dishwasher. He switched it on then pulled down his coat from a hook, put it on and took out some car keys.
โBye, Nora. Iโve done the chairs and wiped all the tables. Dishwasherโs on.โ โAh, thanks.โ
โTillย ๎ขursday.โ
โYes,โ Nora said, feeling like a spy about to have her cover blown. โSee you.โ
A moment a๎er the man le๎, she heard footsteps rising up from somewhere below, heading across the tiles she had just walked down, coming from the back of the pub. And then he was there.
He looked di๏ฌerent.
๎ขe beard had gone, and there were more wrinkles around his eyes, dark circles. He had a nearly ๏ฌnished pint of dark beer in his hand. He still looked a bit like a TV vet, just a few more series down the line.
โDan,โ she said, as if he was something that needed identifying. Like a rabbit by the road. โI just want to say I am so proud of you. So proud of us.โ
He looked at her, blankly. โWas just turning the chiller units o๏ฌ. Got to clean the lines tomorrow. Weโve le๎ย it a fortnight.โ
Nora had no idea what he was talking about. She stroked the cat. โRight.
Yes. Of course.ย ๎ขe lines.โ
Her husband โ for in this life, that was who he was โ looked around at all the tables and upside-down chairs. He was wearing a fadedย Jawsย T-shirt. โHave Blake and Sophie gone home?โ
Nora hesitated. She sensed he was talking about people who worked for them.ย ๎ขe young man in the baggy rugby top was presumably Blake.ย ๎ขere didnโt seem to be anyone else around.
โYes,โ she said, trying to sound natural despite the fundamental bizarreness of the circumstances. โI think they have.ย ๎ขey were pretty on top of things.โ
โCool.โ
She remembered buying him theย Jawsย T-shirt on his twenty-sixth birthday. Ten years previously.
โ๎ขe answers tonight were something else. One of the teams โ the one Pete and Jolie were on โ thought Maradona painted the Sistine ceiling.โ
Nora nodded and stroked Volts Number Two. As if she had any idea who on earth Pete and Jolie were.
โTo be fair, it was a tricky one tonight. Might take them from another website next time. I mean, who actually knows the name of the highest mountain in the Kara-whatsit range?โ
โKarakoram?โ Nora asked. โ๎ขat would be K2.โ
โWell, obviously you know,โ he said, a little too abruptly. A little too tipsily. โItโs the kind of thing you would know. Because while most people were into rock music you were intoย actual rocksย and stu๏ฌ.โ
โHey,โ she said. โI was literally in a band.โ
A band, she remembered then, that Dan had hated her being in.
He laughed. She recognised the laugh, but didnโt entirely like it. She had forgotten how o๎en during their relationship Danโs humour hinged on other people, speci๏ฌcally Nora. When theyโd been together, she had tried not to dwell on this aspect of his personality. Heโd had so many other aspects โ he had been so lovely to her mum when she was ill, and he could talk at ease about anything, he was so full of dreams about the future, he was attractive and easy to be around, and he was passionate about art and always stopped to chat to the homeless. He cared about the world. A person was like a city.
You couldnโt let a few less desirable parts put you o๏ฌย the whole.ย ๎ขere may be bits you donโt like, a few dodgy side streets and suburbs, but the good stu๏ฌย makes it worthwhile.
He had listened to a lot of annoying podcasts that he thought Nora should listen to, and laughed in a way that grated on her, and gargled loudly with mouthwash. And yes, he hogged the duvet and could occasionally be arrogant in his opinions on art and ๏ฌlm and music, but there was nothing overtlyย wrongย with him. Well โ now that she thought about it โ heโd never been supportive of her music career, and had advised her that being inย ๎ขe Labyrinths and signing a music deal would be bad for her mental health, and that her brother was being a bit sel๏ฌsh. But at the time she had viewed that not so much as a red ๏ฌag but a green one. Her thinking was: he cared, and it was nice to have someone who cared, who wasnโt bothered about fame and super๏ฌcialities, and could help navigate the waters of life. And so when he had asked her to marry him, in the cocktail bar on the top ๏ฌoor of the Oxo Tower, she had agreed and maybe she had always been right to agree.
He stepped forward into the room, placed his pint down momentarily and was now on his phone, looking up better pub quiz questions.
She wondered how much he had drunk tonight. She wondered if the dream of owning a pub had really been a dream of drinking an endless supply of alcohol.
โWhat is the name of a twenty-sided polygon?โ
โI donโt know,โ Nora lied, not wanting to risk a similar reaction to the one sheโd received a moment ago.
He put the phone in his pocket.
โWe did well, though.ย ๎ขey all drank loads tonight. Not bad for a Tuesday.
๎ขings are looking up. I mean, thereโs something to tell the bank tomorrow. Maybe theyโll give us an extension on the loan . . .โ
He stared at the beer in his glass, swilled it around a little, then downed it. โ๎ขough Iโve got to tell A.J. to change the lunch menu. No one in Littleworth wants to eat candied beetroot and broad bean salad and corn cakes.ย ๎ขis isnโt pissing Fitzrovia. And I know theyโre going down well, but I
think those wines you chose arenโt worth it. Especially the Californian ones.โ โOkay.โ
He turned and looked behind him. โWhereโs the board?โ โWhat?โ
โ๎ขe chalkboard.ย ๎ขought youโd brought it in?โ Soย thatย was what she had been outside for. โNo. No. Iโm going to do it now.โ
โ๎ขought I saw you go out.โ
Nora smiled away her nerves. โYes, well, I did. I had to . . . I was worried about our cat. Volts. Voltaire. I couldnโt ๏ฌnd him so I went outside to look for him and then I found him, didnโt I?โ
Dan was back behind the bar, pouring himself a scotch.
He seemed to sense she was judging him. โ๎ขis is only my third. Fourth, maybe. Itโs quiz night. You know I get nervous doing the compering. And it helps me be funny. And I was funny, donโt you reckon?โ
โYes. Very funny. Total funniness.โ
His face fell into a serious mode. โI saw you talking to Erin. What did she say?โ
Nora wasnโt sure how best to answer this. โOh, nothing much.ย ๎ขe usual stu๏ฌ. You know Erin.โ
โ๎ขe usual stu๏ฌ? I didnโt think youโd ever spoken to her before.โ
โI meant the usual stu๏ฌย that people say. Not what Erin says. Usual people stu๏ฌย . . .โ
โHowโs Will doing?โ
โEr, really well,โ Nora guessed. โHe says hi.โ Danโs eyes popped wide with surprise. โReally?โ
Nora had no idea what to say. Maybe Will was a baby. Maybe Will was in a coma. โSorry, no, he didnโt say hi. Sorry, Iโm not thinking. Anyway, Iโll . . . go and get the board.โ
She put the cat down on the ๏ฌoor and headed back out.ย ๎ขis time she noticed something she had missed on entering.
A framed newspaper article from theย Oxford Timesย with a picture of Nora and Dan standing outside theย ๎ขree Horseshoes. Dan had his arm around her. He was wearing a suit she had never seen before and she was in a smart dress she would never have worn (she rarely wore dresses) in her original life.
PUB OWNERS MAKE DREAM A REALITY
๎ขey had, according to the article, bought the pub cheaply and in a neglected state and then renovated it with a mix of a modest inheritance (Danโs) and savings and bank loans.ย ๎ขe article presented a success story, though it was two years old.
She stepped outside, wondering whether a life could really be judged from just a few minutes a๎er midnight on a Tuesday. Or maybe that was all you needed.
๎ขe wind was picking up. Standing out on that quiet village street, the gusts pushed the board a little along the path, nearly toppling it over. Before she picked it up, she felt a buzz from a phone in her pocket. She hadnโt realised it was in there. She pulled it out. A text message from Izzy.
She noticed that her wallpaper was a photo of herself and Dan somewhere hot.
She unlocked the phone using facial recognition and opened the message. It was a photo of a whale rising high out of the ocean, the white spray soaking the air like a burst of champagne. It was a wonderful photo and just seeing it caused her to smile.
Izzy was typing.
Another message appeared:
This was one of the pics I took yesterday from the boat.
And another:
Humpback mother
๎ขen another photo: two whales this time, their backs breaking the water.
With calf
๎ขe last message also included emojis of whales and waves.
Nora felt a warm glow. Not just from the pictures, which were indisputably lovely, but from the contact with Izzy.
When Nora backed out of her wedding to Dan, Izzy had insisted that she come to Australia with her.
๎ขeyโd mapped it all out, a plan to live near Byron Bay and get jobs on one of the whale-watching boat cruises.
๎ขey had shared lots of clips of humpback whales in anticipation of this new adventure. But then Nora had wobbled and backed out. Just like she had backed out of a swimming career, and a band, and a wedding. But unlike those other things, there hadnโt even been aย reason. Yes, she had started working at Stringย ๎ขeory and, yes, she felt the need to tend to her parentsโ graves, but she knew that staying in Bedford was the worse option. And yet she picked it. Because of some strange predictive homesickness that festered alongside a depression that told her, ultimately, she didnโtย deserveย to be happy.ย ๎ขat she had hurt Dan and that a life of drizzle and depression in her hometown was her punishment, and she hadnโt the will or clarity or, hell, theย energyย to do anything.
So, in e๏ฌect, she swapped her best friend for a cat.
In her actual life, she had never fallen out with Izzy. Nothing that dramatic. But a๎er Izzy had gone to Australia, things had faded between them until their friendship became just a vapour trail of sporadic Facebook and Instagram likes and emoji-๏ฌlled birthday messages.
She looked back through the text conversations between her and Izzy and realised that even though there was still ten thousand miles between them, they had a much better relationship in this version of things.
When she returned to the pub, carrying the sign this time, Dan was nowhere to be seen so she locked the back door and waited a while, in the pub hallway, working out where the stairs were, and unsure if she actually wanted to follow her tipsy sort-of husband up there.
She found the stairs at the rear of the building, through a door that saidย Sta๏ฌย Only. As she stepped on the beige ra๏ฌa carpet heading towards the stairs, just a๎er a framed poster ofย ๎ปings You Learn in the Darkย โ one of their favourite Ryan Bailey movies which they had watched together at the Odeon in Bedford โ she noted a smaller picture on a sweet little window sill. It was their wedding photo. Black and white, reportage-style. Walking out of a church into a shower of confetti. It was di๏ฌcult to see their faces properly but they were both laughing and it was a shared laugh, and they seemed โ as far as a photograph can tell you anything โ to be in love. She remembered her mum talking about Dan. (โHeโs a good one. Youโre so lucky.
Keep hold of him.โ)
She saw her brother Joe too, shaven-headed and looking genuinely happy, champagne glass in hand and his short-lived, disastrous investment-banker boyfriend, Lewis, by his side. Izzy was there, and Ravi too, looking more like an accountant than a drummer, standing next to a bespectacled woman sheโd never seen before.
While Dan was in the toilet Nora located the bedroom. Although they evidently had money worries โ the nervous appointment with the bank con๏ฌrmed that โ the room was expensively furnished. Smart window blinds. A wide, comfortable-looking bed.ย ๎ขe duvet crisp and clean and white.
๎ขere were books either side of the bed. In her actual life she hadnโt had a book by her bed for at least six months. She hadnโt readย anythingย for six months. Maybe in this life she had a better concentration span.
She picked up one of the books,ย Meditation for Beginners. Underneath it was a copy of a biography of her favourite philosopher, Henry David
๎ขoreau.ย ๎ขere were books on Danโs bedside table too.ย ๎ขe last book she remembered him reading had been a biography of Toulouse-Lautrec โย Tiny Giant โย but in this life he was reading a business book calledย Zero to Hero: Harnessing Success in Work, Play and Lifeย and the latest edition ofย ๎ปe Good Pub Guide.
She felt di๏ฌerent in her body. A little healthier, a little stronger, but tense. She patted her stomach and realised that in this life she worked out a bit more. Her hair felt di๏ฌerent too. She had a heavy fringe, and โ feeling it โshe could tell her hair was longer at the back. Her mind felt a little woozy. She must have had at least a couple of glasses of wine.
A moment later she heard the toilet ๏ฌush.ย ๎ขen she heard gargling. It seemed to be a bit noisier than necessary.
โAre you all right?โ Dan asked, when he came into the bedroom. His voice, she realised, didnโt sound like she remembered. It sounded emptier. A bit colder. Maybe it was tiredness. Maybe it was stress. Maybe it was beer. Maybe it was marriage.
Maybe it was something else.
It was hard to remember, exactly, what he had sounded like before. What he had been like, precisely. But that was the nature of memory. At university she had done an essay drily titled โ๎ขe Principles of Hobbesian Memory and Imaginationโ.ย ๎ขomas Hobbes had viewed memory and imagination as
pretty much the same thing, and since discovering that she had never entirely trusted her memories.
Outside the window the streetlampโs yellow glow illuminated the desolate village road.
โNora? Youโre acting strange. Why are you just standing in the middle of the room? Are you getting ready for bed or are you doing some kind of standing meditation?โ
He laughed. He thought he was funny.
He went over to the window and pulled the curtains.ย ๎ขen he took o๏ฌย his jeans and put them on the back of a chair. She stared at him and tried to feel the attraction she had once felt so deeply. It seemed to require a Herculean e๏ฌort. She hadnโt expected this.
Everyoneโs lives could have ended up an in๏ฌnite number of ways.
He collapsed heavily on the bed, a whale into the ocean. Picked upย Zero to Hero. Tried to focus. Put it down. Picked up a laptop by the bed, shoved an earphone into his ear. Maybe he was going to listen to a podcast.
โIโm just thinking about something.โ
She began to feel faint. As if she was only half there. She remembered Mrs Elm talking about how disappointment in a life would bring her back to the library. It would feel, she realised, altogether too strange to climb into the same bed with a man she hadnโt seen for two years.
She noticed the time on the digital alarm clock. 12:23.
Still with the earphone in his ear, he looked at her again. โRight, listen, if you donโt want to make babies tonight you can just say, you know?โ
โWhat?โ
โI mean, I know weโll have to wait another month until you are ovulating again . . .โ
โWeโre trying for a baby? I want a baby?โ
โNora, whatโs with you? Why are you strange today?โ She took o๏ฌย her shoes. โIโm not.โ
A memory came to her, related to theย Jawsย T-shirt. A tune, actually. โBeautiful Skyโ.
๎ขe day she had bought Dan theย Jawsย T-shirt had been the day she had played him a song she had written forย ๎ขe Labyrinths. โBeautiful Skyโ. It was, she was convinced, the best song she had ever written. And โ more than that โ it was a happy song to re๏ฌect her optimism at that point in her life. It was a
song inspired by her new life with Dan. And he had listened to it with a shruggish indi๏ฌerence that had hurt at the time and which she would have addressed if it hadnโt been his birthday.
โYeah,โ heโd said. โItโs okay.โ
She wondered why that memory had stayed buried, only to rise up now, like the great white shark on his fading T-shirt.
๎ขere were other things coming back to her now too. His over-the-top reaction when sheโd once told him about a customer โ Ash, the surgeon and amateur guitar player who came into Stringย ๎ขeory for the occasional songbook โ casually asking Nora if she wanted to go for a co๏ฌee some time.
(โOf course I said no. Stop shouting.โ)
Worse, though, was when an A&R man for a major label (or rather, a boutique former indie label with Universal behind them) wanted to signย ๎ขe Labyrinths. Dan had told her that it was unlikely theyโd survive as a couple. Heโd also heard a horror story from one of his university friends whoโd been in a band that signed to a label and then the label ripped them o๏ฌย and theyโd all become unemployed alcoholics or something.
โI could take you with me,โ she said. โIโd get it in the contract. We could go everywhere together.โ
โSorry, Nora. But thatโsย yourย dream. Itโs not mine.โ
Which hurt even more with hindsight, knowing how much โ before the wedding โ sheโd tried to make his dream of a pub in the Oxfordshire countryside become her dream as well.
Dan had always said his concern was for Nora: sheโd been having panic attacks while she was in the band, especially when she got anywhere near a stage. But the concern had been at least a little manipulative, now she thought about it.
โI thought,โ he was saying now, โthat you were starting to trust me again.โ โTrust you? Dan, why wouldnโt I trust you?โ
โYou know why.โ
โOf course I know why,โ she lied. โI just want to hear you say it.โ โWell, since the stu๏ฌย with Erin.โ
She stared at him like he was a Rorschach inkblot in which she saw no clear image.
โErin?ย ๎ขe one I was speaking to tonight?โ
โAm I going to be beaten up for ever about one stupid drunken moment?โ
On the street outside, the wind was picking up, howling through trees as if attempting a language.
๎ขis was the life she had been in mourning for.ย ๎ขis was the life she had beaten herself up for not living.ย ๎ขis was the timeline she thought she had regretted not existing in.
โOne stupid mistake?โ she echoed. โOkay, two.โ
It was multiplying. โTwo?โ
โI was in a state. You know, the pressure. Of this place. And I was very drunk.โ
โYou had sex with someone else and it doesnโt seem you have been seeking much . . . atonement.โ
โSeriously, why drag all this up? Weโve been through this. Remember what the counsellor said. About focusing on where we want to go rather than where we have been.โ
โDo you ever think that maybe we just arenโt right for each other?โ โWhat?โ
โI love you, Dan. And you can be a very kind person. And you were great with my mum. And we used to โ I mean, weย haveย great conversations. But do you ever feel that we passed where we were meant to be?ย ๎ขat we changed?โ
She sat down on the edge of the bed.ย ๎ขe furthest corner away from him. โDo you ever feel lucky to have me? Do you realise how close I was to
leaving you, two days before the wedding? Do you know how messed up you would have been if I hadnโt turned up at the wedding?โ
โWow. Really? You have yourself in quite high esteem there, Nora.โ โShouldnโt I? I mean, shouldnโt everyone? Whatโs wrong with self-esteem?
And besides, itโs true.ย ๎ขereโs another universe where you send me WhatsApp messages about how messed up you are without me. How you turn to alcohol, although it seems like you turn to alcoholย withย me too. You send me texts saying you miss my voice.โ
He made a dismissive noise, somewhere between a laugh and a grunt. โWell, right now, I am most de๏ฌnitely not missing your voice.โ
She couldnโt get beyond her shoes. She found it hard โ maybe impossible โ to take o๏ฌย another item of clothing in front of him.
โAnd stop going on about my drinking.โ
โIf you are using drink as an excuse for screwing someone else, I can go on about your drinking.โ
โI am a country landlord,โ sco๏ฌed Dan. โItโs what country landlords do. Be jovial and merry and willing to partake in the many and manifold beverages we sell. Jeez.โ
Since when did he speak like this? Did he always speak like this?ย โBloody hell, Dan. โ
He didnโt even seem bothered. To seem grateful in any way for the universe he was in.ย ๎ขe universe she had felt so guilty for not allowing to happen. He reached for his phone, still with his laptop on the duvet. Nora watched him as he scrolled.
โIs this what you imagined? Is the dream working out?โ โNora, letโs not do this heavy shit. Just get to bloody bed.โ โAre you happy, Dan?โ
โNo oneโs happy, Nora.โ
โSome people are. You used to be. You used to light up when you talked about this. You know, the pub. Before you had it.ย ๎ขis is the life you dreamed of. You wanted me and you wantedย thisย and yet youโve been unfaithful and you drink like a ๏ฌsh and I think you only appreciate me when you donโt have me, which is not a great trait to have. What aboutย myย dreams?โ
He was hardly listening. Or trying to look like he wasnโt. โBig ๏ฌres in California,โ he said, almost to himself.
โWell, at least weโre not there.โ
He put the phone down. Folded his laptop. โYou coming to bed or what?โ
She had shrunk for him, but he still hadnโt found the space he needed. No more.
โIcosagon,โ she told him. โWhat?โ
โ๎ขe quiz. Earlier.ย ๎ขe twenty-sided polygon. Well, a twenty-sided polygon is called an icosagon. I knew the answer but didnโt tell you because I didnโt want you to mock me. And now I donโt really care because I donโt think me knowing some things that you donโt should bother you. And also, I am going to go to the bathroom.โ
And she le๎ย Dan, with his mouth open, and trod gently on the wide ๏ฌoorboards, out of the room.
She reached the bathroom. Switched a light on.ย ๎ขere were tingles in her arms and legs and torso. Like electric static in search of a station. She was fading out, she was sure.ย ๎ขere wasnโt long le๎ย here.ย ๎ขe disappointment was complete.
It was an impressive bathroom.ย ๎ขere was a mirror. She gasped at her re๏ฌection. She looked healthier but also older. Her hair made her look like a stranger.
๎ปis was not the life she imagined it to be.
And Nora wished the self in the mirror โGood luckโ.
And the moment a๎er that she was back, somewhere inside the Midnight Library, and Mrs Elm was staring at her from a small distance away with a curious smile.
โWell, how did that go?โ
๎ปe Penultimate Update Nora Had Posted Before She Found Herself Between Life and Deathโ
Do you ever think โhow did I end up here?โ Like you are in a maze and totally lost and itโs all your fault because you were the one who made every turn? And you know that there are many routes that could have helped you out, because you hear all the people on the outside of the maze who made it through, and they are laughing and smiling. And sometimes you get a glimpse of them through the hedge. A fleeting shape through the leaves. And they seem so damn happy to have made it and you donโt resent them, but you do resent yourself for not having their ability to work it all out. Do you? Or is this maze just for me?
Ps. My cat died.
