Witness Interview Date: December 3o
Name of witness: โ5ulesโ and โRoโ
5ACC:ย Because youโre witnesses to such a serious offense as this, I really must insist on being able to speak to you separately rather than both at the same time.
5ULEs:ย Whyแนข
5ACC:ย Because thatโs just the way it is.
5ULEs:ย Sorry, but has your body been taken over by a demon that sounds like my motherแนข What do you mean, โjust the way it isโแนข
5ACC:ย Youโre witnesses in a criminal investigation. There are rules.ย 5ULEs:ย Is either ofย usย suspected of committing a crime, thenแนขย 5ACC:ย No.
5ULEs:ย Well, then. Then weโll do this together. You know whyแนข
5ACC:ย No.
5ULEs:ย Because thatโs just the way it is!
5ACC:ย Christ, if thereโs ever been a more diAcult group of witnesses, I have no idea where that could have been.
5ULEs:ย Excuse meแนข
5ACC:ย I didnโt say anything.
5ULEs:ย Yes you did, I heard you muttering.
5ACC:ย It was nothing. Okay, you win, you can do this together!
RO:ย 5ules is just worried Iโll say something stupid if she isnโt here.
5ULEs:ย Quiet now, darling.
RO:ย Seeแนข
5ACC:ย For Godโs sake, donโt you two ever stop babblingแนข I said okay! Iโll interview you both at the same time! But this isnโt how itโs supposed to work!
RO:ย Do you have to be so angryแนข
5ACC:ย Iโm not angry!
RO:ย Okay.
5ULEs:ย Yeah, right.
5ACC:ย I need your real names.ย RO:ย These are our real names.ย 5ACC:ย Theyโre nicknames, surelyแนข
5ULEs:ย Please, canโt you just focus on the interviewแนข It doesnโt really matter, does itแนข I need to go to the toilet.
5ACC:ย Okay, okay, sure. Because โwhatโs your nameแนขโ is a really complicated question.
5ULEs:ย Stop muttering and just ask your questions.
5ACC:ย Right, Iโm just a police oAcer, so obviously itโs perfectly reasonable forย youย to decide what goes on in here.
5ULEs:ย Whatแนข
5ACC:ย Nothing. I just need to con๏ฌrm that the two of you were inside the apartment for the entirety of the hostage situation. Were youแนข
RO:ย I donโt know about โhostage situation.โ That sounds very harsh.
5ULEs:ย Please, Ro, pull yourself together now. What do you think we were if we werenโt hostagesแนข Accidentally threatened with a pistolแนข
RO:ย We were more just an unfortunate consequence of some bad decisions.
5ULEs:ย Because someone tripped and happened to slip inside a ski maskแนข
5ACC:ย Please, can you both just try to focus on my questionแนข
5ULEs:ย Which oneแนข
5ACC:ย Were you inside the apartment the whole timeแนขย RO:ย 5ules was in the hobby room for quite a long time.ย 5ULEs:ย Itโs not a hobby room!
RO:ย Closet, then. Stop being picky.
5ULEs:ย You know perfectly well what itโs called.
5ACC:ย You were in the closetแนข How long forแนข I mean, how long before you came out of the closetแนข
5ULEs:ย What did you just sayแนข
5ACC:ย I mean, well, no, thatโs not what I mean.
5ULEs:ย Right. So what exactly did you mean, thenแนข
5ACC:ย Nothing. I didnโt mean โcome out of the closetโ in any way except in relation to the fact that you were physically inside aโฆ well, a closet.
5ULEs:ย We were in the apartment the whole time.
RO:ย Why do you sound so angryแนข
5ULEs:ย Maybe itโs theย hormones, Roแนข Isย thatย what youโre trying to sayแนข
RO:ย No, it really isnโt. Well, I certainly didnโt actually say that, in which case it doesnโt count.
5ACC:ย I appreciate that youโve had a diAcult day, but Iโm just trying to understand where everyone was at various times. For instance, when the pizzas were delivered.
RO:ย Whyโs that importantแนข
5ACC:ย Thatโs the last time we know for certain that the perpetrator was in the apartment.
RO:ย I was sitting on the chaise longue when we had the pizza.
5ACC:ย Whatโs thatแนข
5ULEs:ย That bit at the end of the sofa. Kind of like a divan.
RO:ย No it isnโtโhow many times do I have to tell you that itโs nothing like a divanแนข Do you know how you can tell that a chaise longue
isnโt a divanแนข Because then itย would be a divan!
5ULEs:ย Give me strength! Are we going to have the same argument now as when I didnโt know what a commode wasแนข Do you know what a commode isแนข
5ACC:ย Meแนข Itโs a type of lizard, isnโt itแนข
5ULEs:ย Seeแนข I told you.
RO:ย Itโs not a lizard!
5ULEs:ย Itโs that cabinet in the bathroom, under the washbasin, apparently.
5ACC:ย I had no idea.
5ULEs:ย No normal person knows that.
RO:ย Did you both grow up in cavesแนข Seriouslyแนข A commode is a kind of cousin to a vanity. You know what one of those is, presumablyแนข
5ACC:ย Yes, I know what a vanity is.
5ULEs:ย How can you know that and yet still call a wardrobe a walk-in closetแนข
RO:ย Because a wardrobe is a word used by someone who blogs about juicing and hasnโt pooped a solid turd for three years, whereas a vanity is a proper piece of furniture!
5ULEs:ย See what I have to put up withแนข She was obsessed with vanities and commodes for three months last year because she was going to be a cabinetmaker. 5ust before she was going to be a yoga instructor, and just after she was going to be a hedge fund manager.
RO:ย Why do you always have to exaggerateแนข I was never going to be a hedge fund manager.
5ULEs:ย What were you going to be, thenแนข
RO:ย A day trader.
5ULEs:ย Whatโs the differenceแนข
RO:ย I didnโt get around to learning that. That was around the time I started to get interested in cheese.
5ACC:ย Iโd like us to go back to my question.
RO:ย You look stressed. Itโs not good to bite your tongue like that.
5ACC:ย Iโd be less stressed if you just answered the question.
5ULEs:ย We sat on the sofa and ate pizza. Thatโs the answer to your question.
5ACC:ย Thank you! And who was in the apartment at that timeแนข
5ULEs:ย The two of us. Estelle. Zara. Lennart. Anna-Lena and Roger.
The bank robber.
5ACC:ย And the real estate agentแนข
5ULEs:ย Of course.
5ACC:ย And where was the real estate agentแนข
5ULEs:ย 5ust thenแนข
5ACC:ย Yes.
5ULEs:ย Am I your GPS or somethingแนข
5ACC:ย I just want you to verify that everyone else was sitting around the table eating pizza.
5ULEs:ย I suppose so.
5ACC:ย You suppose soแนข
5ULEs:ย Whatโs your problemแนข Iโm pregnant and there were people with guns, I had a lot of things to think about, Iโm not some preschool teacher counting knapsacks on a bus.
RO:ย Is this a candyแนข
5ACC:ย Itโs an eraser.
5ULEs:ย Stop eating everything!
RO:ย I was only asking!
5ULEs:ย You know she opens the fridge in every apartment we look atแนข Do you think thatโs acceptable behaviorแนข
5ACC:ย I really donโt care.
RO:ย Theyย wantย you to look in the fridge. Thatโs all part of the real estate agentโs so-called โhomestyling,โ everyone knows that. Once I
found tacos. They still rank in the top three tacos Iโve ever eaten.
5ULEs:ย Hang on, you ate the tacosแนข
RO:ย They want you to.
5ULEs:ย You ate food you found in some strangerโs fridgeแนข Are you kiddingแนข
RO:ย Whatโs wrong with thatแนข It was chicken. Well, I think it was chicken. Everything tastes like chicken when itโs been in the fridge awhile. Apart from turtle. Have I told you about the time I ate turtleแนข
5ULEs:ย Whatแนข No! Stop talking now, Iโm going to throw up, seriously.
RO:ย What do you mean, stop talkingแนข Youโre the one who keeps saying you want us to know everything about each other!
5ULEs:ย Well, Iโve changed my mind. Right now I think we know just the right amount about each other.
RO:ย Do you think itโs weird to eat tacos at a viewingแนขย 5ACC:ย Iโd appreciate it if you didnโt involve me in this.ย 5ULEs:ย He thinks itโs sick.
RO:ย He didnโt say that! You know what is sickแนข 5ules hides candy and chocolate. What sort of adult does thatแนข
5ULEs:ย I hideย expensiveย chocolate, sure, because Iโm married to a wormhole.
RO:ย Sheโs lying. One time I discovered sheโd bought sugar-free chocolate. Sugar-free! And then she hid that as well, as if I wouldnโt even be able to stop myself eating sugar-free chocolate, like some bloody psychopath.
5ULEs:ย And then you ate it.
RO:ย To teach you a lesson. Not because I enjoyed it.ย 5ULEs:ย Okay, Iโm ready to answer your questions now!ย 5ACC:ย Wow. Lucky me.
5ULEs:ย Do you want to ask your questions or notแนข
5ACC:ย Okay. When the perpetrator let you go, and you left the apartment, do you remember who went downstairs with youแนข
5ULEs:ย All the hostages, of course.
5ACC:ย Can you list them, please, in the order you remember them going down the stairsแนข
5ULEs:ย Sure. Me and Ro, Estelle, Lennart, Zara, Anna-Lena, and Roger.
5ACC:ย What about the real estate agentแนข
5ULEs:ย Okay, and the real estate agent.
5ACC:ย The real estate agent must have been with you as wellแนข
5ULEs:ย Are we nearly ๏ฌnished hereแนข
RO:ย Iโm hungry.
