There was a knock on the closet door.
Knock, knock, knock.
โCome in!โ Anna-Lena called out hopefully, then fell apart when she saw it wasnโt Roger.
โCan I come in?โ Julia asked gently.
โWhat for?โ Anna-Lena said with her face turned away, since she considered crying a more private activity than going to the toilet.
Julia shrugged.
โIโm tired of everyone out there. You seem to feel the same. So maybe we have something in common.โ
Anna-Lena had to admit to herself that it had been a long time since sheโd had anything in common with anyone apart from Roger, and that it sounded rather nice. So she nodded tentatively from her stool, half hidden by a rail full of old-fashioned menโs suits.
โSorry Iโm crying. I know Iโm the one whoโs in the wrong here.โ
Julia looked around for somewhere to sit, and decided to pull out a stepladder from the back of the closet and sit on the lowest step of that. Then she said: โWhen I got pregnant, the 1rst thing my mom said to me was โNow youโll have to learn to cry in the cupboard, Jules, because children get frightened if you cry in front of them.โโ
Anna-Lena wiped her tears and stuck her head out from beneath the suits: โThat was theย fivstย thing your mom said?โ
โI was a difficult child, so her sense of humor is rather unusual,โ Julia smiled.
Anna-Lena joined in with a weak smile. She nodded warmly toward Juliaโs stomach.
โAre you doing okay? I mean, you andโฆ the little one?โ
โOh, yes, thanks. Iโm peeing thirty-1ve times a day, I hate socks, and Iโm starting to think that terrorists who make bomb threats against public transport are all pregnant women who hate the way people smell on buses. Because people really do smell disgusting. Would you believe that an old guy sitting next to me the other day was eating salami? Salami! On the bus! But thanks, the little one and I are doing 1ne.โ
โItโs terrible being held hostage when youโre pregnant, I mean,โ Anna-Lena said gently.
โOh, itโs probably just as bad for you. Iโve just got more to carry.โ โAre you very scared of the bank robber?โ
Julia shook her head slowly.
โNo, Iโm not, actually. I donโt even think that pistolโs real, if Iโm being honest.โ
โNor me,โ Anna-Lena nodded, even though she didnโt really have any idea. โThe police will probably be here any minute, if we just stay calm,โ Julia
promised.
โI hope so,โ Anna-Lena nodded.
โThe bank robber actually seems more scared than us.โ โYes, youโre probably right about that.โ
โHow are you doing?โ
โIโฆ I donโt really know. Iโve hurt Roger badly.โ
โOh, something tells me youโve put up with far worse from him over the years, so I doubt youโre even yet.โ
โYou donโt know Roger. Heโs more sensitive than people think. Heโs just a bit wedded to his principles.โ
โSensitive and principled, you hear that a lot,โ Julia nodded, thinking that it was a good description of all the old men whoโve started wars throughout human history.
โOnce a young man with a black beard asked if he could have Rogerโs parking space in a car park, and Roger waited twenty minutes before he moved the car. Out of principle!โ
โCharming,โ Julia said.
โYou donโt know him,โ Anna-Lena repeated with a blank look on her face. โWith all due respect, Anna-Lenaโif Roger was as sensitive as you say, heโd
be the one crying in the closet now.โ
โHe is sensitiveโฆ inside. I just canโt understand howโฆ when he saw Lennart, he immediately assumed we wereโฆ having anย a๏ฌaiv. How could he think something like that of me?โ
Julia was trying to 1nd a comfortable way to sit on the stepladder, and caught a glimpse of her own reAection in the metal. It wasnโt Aattering.
โIf Roger thought you were being unfaithful, then heโs the one with the problem, not you.โ
Anna-Lena was pressing her hands hard against her thighs to stop her 1ngers shaking. She stopped blinking.
โYou donโt know Roger.โ
โI knew enough men like him.โ
Anna-Lenaโs chin moved slowly from side to side.
โHe waited twenty minutes before he moved the car out of principle. Because on the news that morning there was a man, a politician, who said we ought to stop helping immigrants. That they just come here thinking they can get everything for free, and that a society canโt work like that. He swore a lot, and said theyโre all the same, people like that. And Roger had voted for the party that man belonged to, you see. Roger has very 1rm ideas about the economy and fuel taxes and things like that, he doesnโt like it when Stockholmers turn up and decide how everyone outside Stockholm should live. And he can be very sensitive. Sometimes he expresses himself a bit harshly, Iโll admit that, but he has his principles. No one can say he hasnโt got principles. And that particular day, after heโd heard that politician say that, we were in a shopping mall, it was just before Christmas so the car park was completely full when we got back to the car. Long, long queues. And that young man with the black beard, he saw us walking back to our car and wound his window down and asked if we were leaving, and if he could have our space if we were.โ
By now Julia was ready to get up and turn the walk-in closet into a walk-out closet.
โDo you know what, Anna-Lena? I donโt think I want to hear the rest of that storyโฆโ
Anna-Lena nodded understandingly, this certainly wasnโt the 1rst time someone had said that about her stories. But she was so used to thinking out loud now that she 1nished it anyway.
โThere were so many cars there that it took the young man twenty minutes to get to the part of the garage where we were parked. Roger refused to move the car until he got there. He had two little children in the back of the car, I hadnโt noticed, but Roger had. When we drove away I told Roger I was proud of him, and he replied that it didnโt mean heโd changed his mind about the economy or fuel taxes or Stockholmers. But then he said that he realized that in that young manโs eyes, Roger must look just like that politician on television, they were the same age, had the same color hair, the same dialect, and everything. And Roger didnโt want the man with the beard to think that meant they were all exactly the same.โ
Anna-Lena wiped her nose with the sleeve of one of the suit jackets, and wished it had been Rogerโs.
Itโs worth pointing out that Julia was trying to stand up while this anecdote was being related, a maneuver that took a fair amount of time, so it took just as long for her to slump back into a seated position again. Only then did she open her mouth, and at 1rst the only sound that emerged was a breathless cough, before she burst out laughing.
โThatโs simultaneously the sweetest and most ridiculous thing Iโve heard in a very long time, Anna-Lena.โ
The tip of the other womanโs nose moved up and down in embarrassment. โWe argue a lot about politics, Roger and I, we have very diPerent opinions,
but you can alwaysโฆ I think you can understand someone without necessarily agreeing with them, if you see what I mean? And I know people sometimes think Rogerโs a bit of an idiot, but he isnโt always an idiot in the way people assume.โ
Julia admitted: โRo and I also vote for diPerent parties.โ
She thought of adding that Ro was a deluded hippie when it came to politics, and that you donโt always discover that sort of thing until a couple of months into a relationship, but decided against it. Because it was actually perfectly possible to love each other despite that.
Anna-Lena wiped her whole face on the jacket sleeve.
โI should never have gone behind Rogerโs back! He was very good at his job, he should have been one of the bosses, but he never got the chance. And now he gets so upset when he doesnโtโฆ win. I want him to feel like a winner. So I called that โNo Boundaries Lennart,โ and to start with I told myself it would only be the one timeโฆ but it gets easier every time you do it. You tell yourself thatโฆ well, of course, youโre young, so itโs hard to believe, butโฆ the lie gets easier each time. I told myself I was doing it for Rogerโs sake, but of course it was for my own sake. Iโve decorated so many apartments to make them look just like a home is supposed to look, so that someone can come to the viewing and think โOh, this is where I want to live!โ I just wish that I could be that person one day. Settling somewhere again. Roger and I havenโt lived anywhere properly for such a long time. Weโve just beenโฆ passing through.โ
โHow long have you been together?โ โSince I was nineteen.โ
Julia thought about the question for a long time before 1nally asking: โHow do you do it?โ
Anna-Lena replied without thinking at all: โYou love each other until you canโt live without each other. And even if you stop loving each other for a little while, you canโtโฆ you canโt live without each other.โ
Julia says nothing for several minutes. Her own mom lived on her own, but Roโs parents had been married for forty years. No matter how much Julia loved Ro, that thought occasionally horri1ed her. Forty years. How can you love someone that long? Gesturing vaguely toward the walls of the closet, she smiled to Anna-Lena: โMy wife drives me crazy. She wants to make wine and store cheese in here.โ
Anna-Lena poked her tear-streaked face out between two pairs of suit pants made of the same fabric, and replied as if she were revealing an embarrassing
secret: โSometimes Roger drives me crazy, too. He uses our hairdryer toโฆ well, you can guessโฆ he sticks it under his towel. Thatโs not how youโre supposed to use a hairdryerโฆ not there. That makes me want to scream!โ
Julia shuddered.
โUrgh! Ro does exactly the same thing. Itโs so disgusting it makes me feel sick.โ
Anna-Lena bit her lip.
โI have to admit that Iโd never thought of that. That you might have problems like that. I always assumed it would be easier if you lived with aโฆ woman.โ
Julia burst out laughing.
โYou donโt fall in love with a gender, Anna-Lena. You fall in love with an idiot.โ
Anna-Lena started laughing as well, much louder than she usually did. Then they looked at each other. Anna-Lena was twice Juliaโs age, but they had a lot in common just then. Both married to idiots who didnโt know the diPerence between diPerent types of hair. Anna-Lena looked at Juliaโs stomach and smiled.
โWhenโs it due?โ
โAny time now! Do you hear that, you little alien?โ Julia replied, half to Anna-Lena and half to her little alien.
Anna-Lena didnโt seem to understand the reference, but she closed her eyes and said: โWe have a son and a daughter. Theyโre your age. But they donโt want kids of their own. Rogerโs taken it badly. You might not think it if you meet him like this, if you donโt really know him, but heโd be a good grandfather if he got the chance.โ
โThereโs still plenty of time for that, isnโt there?โ Julia wondered, mostly because if those children were the same age as her, she didnโt want to be old enough to be an old mom.
Anna-Lena shook her head sadly.
โNo, theyโve made up their minds. And of course thatโs their choice, thatโsโฆ thatโs how it is these days. My daughter says the world is already overpopulated, and sheโs worried about climate change. I donโt know why ordinary anxieties arenโt enough. Does anyone really need something new to worry about?โ
โIs that why she doesnโt want kids?โ
โYes, thatโs what she says. Unless Iโve misunderstood. I probably have. But maybe it would be good for the environment if there werenโt quite so many people, I donโt know. I just wish Roger could feel important again.โ
Julia didnโt seem to follow the logic. โGrandchildren would make him feel important?โ Anna-Lena smiled weakly.
โHave you ever held a three-year-old by the hand on the way home from preschool?โ
โNo.โ
โYouโre never more important than you are then.โ
They sit there with nothing more to say, shivering slightly in the draft. Neither of them thinks to wonder where itโs coming from.
