Witness Interview Date: December 3o Name of witness: Zara
5IM:ย Hello! My nameโs 5im!
ZARA:ย Yes, yes, ๏ฌne. Get on with it.
5IM:ย So, Iโm here to record your version of what happened. Tell me about it in your own words.
ZARA:ย Who elseโs words would I useแนข
5IM:ย Well, yes, quite. 5ust a ๏ฌgure of speech, I suppose. But ๏ฌrst Iโd like to make you aware that everything you say here is being recorded. And you can have a lawyer present if youโd like one.
ZARA:ย Why would I want oneแนข
5IM:ย I just wanted you to be aware of that. My bosses say that their bosses say itโs important that everythingโs done properly. Weโre going to be getting a team of special investigators from Stockholm who are going to take over this investigation. My sonโs very angry about that, heโs also a police oAcer, you see. So I just wanted to let you know that bit about having a lawyer present.
ZARA:ย Listen, Iโll pay for a lawyer ifย Iย ever threaten anyone with a pistol. Not when Iโm the one being threatened.
5IM:ย I understand. I certainly didnโt mean to be impertinent, certainly not. I realize youโve had a diAcult day, obviously I realize that. You just need to answer all my questions as honestly as you can. Would you like coffeeแนข
ZARA:ย Is that what you call itแนข I saw what came out of that machine out there, and I wouldnโt drink that if you and I were the last people on the planet and you promised me it was poison.
5IM:ย Iโm not sure if thatโs more of an insult to me or the coffee.
ZARA:ย You said you wanted me to answer your questions honestly.
5IM:ย Yes, I suppose I did, didnโt Iแนข Well, can I start by asking why you were in the apartmentแนข
ZARA:ย What a stupid question. Were you the one standing in the stairwell when we were releasedแนข
5IM:ย Yes, that was me.
ZARA:ย So you were the ๏ฌrst one into the apartment after we leftแนข And you still managed to lose the bank robberแนข
5IM:ย I wasnโt actually ๏ฌrst in. I waited for 5ack, my colleague. You probably met him earlier. He was the ๏ฌrst man into the apartment.
ZARA:ย You policemen all look alike, did you know thatแนข
5IM:ย 5ackโs my son. Maybe thatโs why.
ZARA:ย 5im and 5ackแนข
5IM:ย Yes. Like 5im Beam and 5ack Danielโs.
ZARA:ย Is that supposed to be funnyแนข
5IM:ย No, no. My wifeโs never found that funny, either.
ZARA:ย So youโre married, thenแนข Well done you.
5IM:ย Yes, perhaps that isnโt entirely relevant right now. Can you give me a short explanation of why you were at the viewing of the apartmentแนข
ZARA:ย It was an apartment viewing. Is that phrase too hard to understandแนข
5IM:ย So you were there to look at the apartmentแนข
ZARA:ย Youโre about as sharp as a wet box of cornflakes, arenโt youแนข
5IM:ย Does that mean yesแนข
ZARA:ย It means what it means.
5IM:ย What I mean is, were you planning toย buyย the apartmentแนข
ZARA:ย Are you a real estate agent or a policemanแนข
5IM:ย I just mean that it would be easy to assume that you might be a little too well-off to be interested in that apartment.
ZARA:ย Oh, it would, would itแนข
5IM:ย Well, what I mean is that my colleagues and I might think that. One of them, anyway. My son, I mean. Based on some of the witness statements, I mean. You seem comfortably-off, thatโs what I mean. And at ๏ฌrst glance this apartment doesnโt look like the sort of thing that someone like you would want to buy.
ZARA:ย Listen, the problem with the middle class is that you think someone can be too rich to buy things. But thatโs not true. You can only be too poor.
5IM:ย Well, perhaps we should move on. By the way, have I spelled your surname right hereแนข
ZARA:ย No.
5IM:ย Noแนข
ZARA:ย But thereโs a perfectly logical reason why you think itโs spelled that way.
5IM:ย Ohแนข
ZARA:ย Itโs because of the simple fact that youโre an idiot.
5IM:ย Iโm sorry. Can you spell it out for meแนข
ZARA:ย I-d-i-o-t.
5IM:ย I meant your nameแนข
ZARA:ย Weโd be here all night, and some of us actually have important jobs to do, so why donโt I summarize things for youแนข A lunatic with a gun held me and a group of poor, less well-off people hostage for half a day, you and your colleagues surrounded the building, and the whole thing was on television, but you still managed to lose the bank robber. Right now you could have prioritized being out there trying to ๏ฌnd the aforementioned bank robber, but instead youโre sitting here sweating because youโve never seen a surname with
more than three consonants in it before. Your bosses couldnโt make my taxes disappear faster if Iโd given them matches.
5IM:ย I understand that youโre upset.
ZARA:ย Thatโs very clever of you.
5IM:ย I just meant that youโre in shock. I mean, no one expects to be threatened with a pistol when they go to view an apartment, do theyแนข The papers may keep saying that the property marketโs tough these days, but taking hostages is probably going aย bitย far. I mean, it says in the papers one day that itโs a โbuyerโs market,โ then the next that itโs a โsellerโs market,โ but in the end surely itโs always just the damn banksโ marketแนข Donโt you thinkแนข
ZARA:ย Is that supposed to be a jokeแนข
5IM:ย No, no, itโs supposed to be small talk. I just mean that the way society looks right now, the bank robber would have had considerably fewer police resources looking for him if heโd actually succeeded in robbing that bank than if he, as was actually the case, took all of you hostage. I mean, everyone hates banks. Itโs like people say: โSometimes itโs hard to know who the biggest crooks are, people who rob banks, or the people who run the banks.โ
ZARA:ย Do people say thatแนข
5IM:ย Yes. I think so. They do, donโt theyแนข I just mean, I read in the paper yesterday about how much those bank bosses earn. They live in houses the size of palaces worth ๏ฌfty million while ordinary people can barely manage to make their mortgage payments.
ZARA:ย Can I ask you a questionแนข
5IM:ย Of course.
ZARA:ย Why is it that people like you always think successful people should be punished for their successแนข
5IM:ย Whatแนข
ZARA:ย Do you do some sort of advanced conspiracy role-play at Police College where youโre tricked into thinking that police oAcers get the same salary as bank bosses, or were you all just not capable of doing a bit of basic mathematicsแนข
5IM:ย Yes, well. I mean, no.
ZARA:ย Or do you just think the world owes you somethingแนขย 5IM:ย Itโs just struck me, I never asked what you do for a living.ย ZARA:ย I run a bank.
